I was blindsided.

[mycocopie]

Hi everyone. Bear with me, please. My boyfriend of 1 year + 4 months broke up 2 weeks ago and I can't help but want to fix what's broken and try again.

 

Backstory:

 

I ended an engagement in July of 2015. It was a 4 year relationship that we thought a marriage would make whole. After a 6 month engagement, we went our separate ways. Immediately, I became very eager to gain my independence.

 

In September 2015, I met him at a party. We hit it off pretty well and exchanged phone numbers. By October, we were spending a lot of time together. By November, things were getting serious and we were actually going out on dates and in February 2016, we made things "official." From then on, everything felt like a fairytale.

 

In July 2016, he was involved in an incident at work (law enforcement) involving 2 of our own losing their lives. As you can imagine, things were very difficult for us. He was working through his grief and I just wanted to fix it for him. After that point, we struggled a lot to work through his emotions. He is very introverted and doesn't like to/know how to talk about things and I'm not.

 

Fast forward to January 2017, we both had job interviews - change of careers. I was offered my position, he was not. Again, he struggled emotionally and I struggled to comfort him. I started my job in April and by May, I was spending alternate weeks away from home for 9 weeks - 5 weeks home, 4 weeks away - training.

 

By June, I felt him pulling away from me. Every time I asked him what was bothering him, he would tell me that failing to find a new job has been bothering him and he wanted more than anything to "get out" of his current job. Two weeks ago, we had a sit down conversation where I expressed my concern about him being so distant. We talked for about 30 minutes and about an hour after that, he went home. He said his mind was racing and he needed to go for a drive.

 

The next day, he came over and broke up with me. I was blindsided. He told me that he had been lying for the last few weeks when I had asked him what was bothering him. He said that for the last month he's felt "different" about us and thought he could work through it and when I talked to him, it became evident that he wasn't going to. He finished the conversation with "you deserve better than me."

 

In a later conversation, I asked him if me getting a new job had anything to do with his hurt. He insisted that it doesn't. I also asked him if he was trying to be single again (because both of his best friends are) so he could do whatever wanted - I was going to move in at the end of the summer. He also insisted that it wasn't for that reason.

 

Now:

 

We've had short conversations since and we are both hurting a lot. One of our mutual friends said he has been struggling a lot and tries to keep himself busy so he doesn't think about it. We are both having trouble sleeping and I don't have an appetite.

 

I am trying to give him space, but I am so sick to my stomach about everything. I have come to the realization that I depended on him a lot for my happiness. He has lots of friends and I have very few and I think I suffocated him. I didn't give him enough space or time for himself. It's funny how hindsight is 20/20, huh?

 

Anyways, I would like to seek reconciliation in the future, but I'm not sure how to go about it since this was his decision and not mine. I have vowed to not initiate contact with him for 30 days for 2 reasons: 1 - give myself a chance to work on myself and really take in everything that we went through together and 2 - give him a chance to see what life is really like without me. Today is day 5 of no contact. In these 5 days, he has texted me a few times trying to make small talk. I have responded short and to the point.

 

Once my no contact period is up, what can I do if I still feel like reconciliation is really what I want? I love him to death and have never felt so strongly about someone. We have talked about marriage, children, buying a house together, etc. and I feel like it was all ripped away.

[Ariadne]

Hi mycocopie,

 

It seems like the problem here is that your bf is in a deep depression because of the incident at work that resulted in the loss of those lives. He must be feeling guilty and doesn´t know how to deal with that.

 

I think that what he needs is compassion from you. He needs time apart but I believe he needs you to be supportive too. You can lend him a ear, do things to make him feel better when you get the chance, and if in the future you´ll take different paths...that happens. Sometimes these incidents can be life changing so fate might get in the way of you two. You´ll have to be willing to accept that if that´s the case.

 

Good luck and hope you can work it out.

[j21bird]

OP, A couple of my thoughts.

 

Sounds like he is dealing with some heavy things right now. Perhaps it would benefit him to have some sessions with a counselor/ therapist. Nothing wrong with talking things out with a professional.

 

You mention you are on day 5 of NC with him, but you have been responding with short messages when he reaches out.

 

In my experience, to gain perspective on relationships you have to have firm and complete NC.

 

My two cents is that it sounds like he needs to take some time independent of a relationship to regroup with the assistance of a counselor. You go and live your life and then maybe in a few months you guys can have coffee and see where you are at.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[mycocopie]

You mention you are on day 5 of NC with him, but you have been responding with short messages when he reaches out.

 

In my experience, to gain perspective on relationships you have to have firm and complete NC.

 

I haven't cut off 100% contact because of his emotional stability right now. He does go to therapy and besides that, he doesn't really have anyone to talk to about what's going on only because he is so introverted and doesn't want to show his vulnerability to his friends (they just don't get it because they don't have the same life experiences as him.

[snflwrgrl]

Being blindsided is never easy. :'( I'm really sorry that happened to you and that you are hurting and having trouble sleeping and eating. My sincere condolences also for your loss that resulted from the work incident. That had to be heartbreaking for you both. Your fiancé was lucky to have you there during that time for support and comfort. It's sweet that you wanted to fix it for him. When my husband's company downsized and then eventually closed and he was laid off, I remember how hard it was on him as he struggled to find another job. He was smart and a hard worker and he often got down to the last two applicants after the interview process only to be told the other person had gotten the job. It was a very rough time for him as a man. I was working and he was not and it took him 18 months to find another job. Have you thought about telling your fiance the truth right now, that you now realize that you were suffocating him, that hindsight is 20/20, and if there is any hope of reconciliation in the future, you love him with all of your heart, and would like to give it a try? Have you thought about offering to go to counseling with him so you can have a better understanding of him and try to repair the relationship? My husband and I have seen both our pastor and a Christian counselor a couple of times and they were very helpful to us. Do you have a pastor you can talk to? If not, I'm sure there would be a local one who would be willing to talk to you. In the meantime, have you considered joining a group; for a cause you believe in, a hobby you love or have always wanted to try, or a singles group at church where you can make some new female friends? I used to go to the singles group at my church and I met some of the nicest ladies. Since we were all single we had fun planning and doing things together. Or how about taking a fun class? Any of these would be a great way to meet people and make new friends. Bearing with your post was easy. I really appreciate you sharing your story and wish you the very best. I'll be praying for God to give you the strength you need to get through this next week. One day at a time. Hugs.

Edited July 10, 2017 by snflwrgrl

[Superchicken]

I haven't cut off 100% contact because of his emotional stability right now. He does go to therapy and besides that, he doesn't really have anyone to talk to about what's going on only because he is so introverted and doesn't want to show his vulnerability to his friends (they just don't get it because they don't have the same life experiences as him.

 

Have you thought about talking to his therapist ?.

Maybe get his side of what's going on, and what he recommends you do to help him, and in turn, save what little you have with him.

 

 

No one else is in a better position to know what he's going through than his therapist.

 

 

 

 

Good luck..

 

 

Ted.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I live in Dallas, so...well, you know. A lot of us not even in LE took it real personally.

 

I think first he had this big trauma, the loss, and then now he has diving self-esteem because of the job search failures. He told you you deserve better. I think at least part of that has to do with him not feeling like a man at the moment, feeling weak about the loss and the job search. Look, some men you can't console on that subject. I've only really tried bolstering up a couple of old girlfriends going through a bad time and I've been through a bad time myself, as have most people at some time. So what I do is remind them how much better and more experienced they are then most people out there. If they get looked over after an interview, I tell them, "She was probably threatened by you. No one wants to hire someone more competent than them." Yes, I baldface lie a little but I want to keep them mad and determined, not sad and giving up. I also remind them that everyone goes through it at one point or another. In his case, I'd tell him he's stood up to it amazingly well considering it followed on the heels of a trauma.

 

I would just bolster his worth and manhood and his determination as much as possible, because men need that even more than women do, and women need it too. I'd tell him anyone who passes over him is an idiot and that you would be the kind of man I'd be looking for if I was an employer and i'd cite real examples of the things he excels in. I'd also encourage him to go out and do anything that traditionally made him feel competent or good about himself. Like if he's a good shot, invite him to the shooting range.

I wouldn't clam up on him like you've decided to do.

 

You can ask him if you smothered him too much. I honestly think if you had, this wouldn't be the first you'd heard of it because people who can't handle that will usually make it known. (I'm one).

 

If there's any avenue you can recommend him for a job, do it, but don't even let him know where it came from.

 

The other thing you might do is once in a while "need" him for something. I know it's kind of an old ploy and that you're probably perfectly capable of handling things yourself, but if I were you, I would break down with car trouble or a flat tire and call him so he can be a man and rescue you. Or something around the house. Have a spider. Buy one if you have to. Have him come over and lift something. NEED him. Honestly, one of the loves of my life well after it was over said he never felt like I needed him. Men like to be needed, most of them. And right now, he needs to feel needed and like a man more than ever.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted. Don't give up on him.