trying to be friends/start over...yet I'm still so mad at him!

[mustangsally]

Well, here's the deal. I know a lot of you know my story, but my ex dumped me about 6 months ago very randomly and very out of the blue. he admitted it was out of the blue, said he knew he'd regret his decision, regretted it and came back and then said he was right the first time. We were long distance but i had happened to be taking a long vacation to be with him and other people i knew in the area. We were mutually each other's first loves, first sexual partners and I was even his first kiss. Two days earlier, he had been talking to me about what he would do when we got married. Then two days later, all of the sudden he questions his feelings...all of this crap. It also had to do with the fact that the realtionship was becoming very serious and both of our parents were pushing us to date around. I also was developing a very serious illness that no one knew about and was very fatigued and he constantly complained that I never wanted to do anything as did his parents. After we broke up, he was fairly depressed and had conversations with some mutual friends about how he missed me, thought I was still one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever met and hated to hear about me with other guys. Then I find he's moving to where I'm moving. Wow....all seems great and ripe for at least being friends, right? NO. There are three big things I am having trouble reconciling with:

 

1) 3 weeks after our break-up, he entered into a committed relationship with another girl. They have since broken up, but he claimed he had moved on. This hurt me deeply because he claimed to me at one time that it took him a long time to get over girls he's been romantically linked to, but since he's never been in love with them, its going to take a lot more with me. Apparently not! He was with her three weeks after. I knew he was still upset about us because I got a few distraught e-mails about how he'd heard I'd started to date again and some sarcastic undertones about the new guys.....but apparently he'd moved on! It made me feel like I didn't mean enough to him to even properly grieve over the relationship....or worse that he didn't need to. He was with her for 3 months or so. Everyone that we knew just accepted it. Most of our mutual friends were not very close with him, but they were of no help. I do not know how the relationship went, but I do know it started rather quickly.

 

I also know that even though he was upset at our relationship ending, sobbing and taking it back then taking it not back then taking it back then taking it not back and telling people how he missed me, his away messages during that time were always bright and cheery. When they broke up, he left up a somewhat distraught away message. So apparently, your first love, girl you were with way longer, thought you could marry is not worth a sad away message, while this girl you were with for 3 months who you started dating RIGHT AFTER your ex...means more? I don't understand and I don't know if I can forgive him.

 

2) He did not want me to know he was moving to where I live. I eventually found out and asked him about it, but he was very wishy-washy about answering me. Eventually he opened up and said he wants to probably start a friendship again and was excited to see me and hoped I was doing well....but it took some prodding to get him to even talk to me until the other girl was out of the picture completely. Prior to him finding out he was moving, he showed up at my house AND tried to initiate conversation with some friends who were exclusively my friends who he knew ONLY through me. I don't know if his hesitation was through that or what...but it was silly. I never did anything weird, psycho to make him think I'd go ape****e on him if I found out. And I didn't....I just talked to him like a normal human being and didn't even bring us up.

 

3) While I was REALLY sick, in the hospital, etc. I did not get ANYTHING from him. Part of why we broke up was because of my extreme fatigue which was later attributed to a failure of a vital organ, which i still battle today. This normally nice, great person, didn't stop to say boo to me when people I barely knew were sending me cards, flowers, presents, etc. Only extremely recently, after new-girl was gone did I ever even get anything. He recently wrote me an e-mail saying he was sorry that he hadn't understood how hard things were and he hopes I am taking care of myself and he is extremely glad to hear my health is taking a turn for the better. WTF? Why couldn't he have said that when he knew I was really sick?

 

We've been corresponding very, very infrequently. I saw him at a party and he completely ignored me, but in such a way that it didn't seem planned if that makes sense. He looked like crying and then left. Our most frequent correspondance began again after that and he was very nice and welcoming and seemed excited at the possibility of seeing me. Rumors were circulating that he's said he wants to date me again, but I don't know the truth of that.

 

I do want to be friends with him again, but I don't know if getting back together is necessarily a good thing. To clairfy, he's definately not a BAD person, definately not some horny young guy who uses girls. He's always struck me as extremely genuine and wonderful, but also carries a lot of baggage. So the idea that he would be over me in 3 weeks does not match his personality, yet the idea that he used someone to get over me does not match his personality either.

 

If anyone has dealt with anything similar, please, PLEASE help me. I am in dire need as we will not be seeing each other VERY soon. And while I want my guard up, I don't want to be a bitch.

[mustangsally]

ps-

also...he thinks I've moved on and have someone new (whom I did for a while)...but if he's so moved on...then why is it so hard to be friends with someone you wanted to be friends with in the first place?

 

And I also wanted to add...I have seen pictures of them together while they were together and all of them were so weird/forced. He always had a weird fake-y smile on and they never touched, even posed. And candids were even worse...they were always facing away from each other...never touching or looking at each other. But somehow this meant SO MUCH to him.

[TUDOR]

From a male point of view there is always a hesitation to be "friends" with a woman after having an emotional relationship with them. Why, because he may very well want to be friends with you because you guys obviously hit it off well on that level but it sounds like he is ready to move on. That being the case he more than likey is concerned of what your intentions are and if you are capable of being just friends or will you be trying to take things back to where they were.

 

You don't sound like you are over him, understanbly to. I'm sure on some level he senses this any maybe by being friends with you he feels he will mislead you. Let things cool off for a bit and once he moves to where you are then keep it simple, no drama! That is the other big factor guys want to avoid is drama. If he thinks you are mad at him or still emotionaly connected he will see a friendship with you as drama waiting to happen.

 

Keep it casual and show him that if you want to friends that it will be just that with no strings attached and the past will stay in the past. But don't force the issue or seem like you are trying to make this friends thing happen.

[mustangsally]

this could be true, but he was the one who was insisting, no practically BEGGING to be friends with me after our relationship ended. I told him no. I came out of the woodwork later when I was dating someone else and only recently he been actually saying he's missed seeing me, that he's glad I'm feeling better, etc...its all only happened after he broke up with that other girl. He said he wanted to be one of those guys who's always friends with an ex...and now he's being weird about it.

 

but if he's so ready to move on and thinks I've moved on, then why was there hesitation on his part when I saw him, yet no one else (aka his family) was hesitant, etc.? He sincerely looked like crying. And if he's moved on, why are there whisperings about people telling me he's said he still has feelings for me? I feel stuck because I don't know how to react to him.

 

i also told him i was glad we broke up, etc....because I actually am because of the circumstances and that it was good he dated someone else...and he just ignored that I had ever said anything about being glad about breaking up and was just like "I hope to see you soon, you're such a great person, blah blah blah"

[mustangsally]

ugh, i was trying to add this in the last one.

 

But when we first broke up, I'd say "I'm glad we broke up" and he'd be like "I'm glad you feel that way, let's be friends for now." Now, when I say it and genuinely mean it for several reasons, I get nothing but a blank stare. Maybe I'm reading too far into it, but it seems weird that he'd just disregard all of that and just be like "Oh, well I'm glad everything is going so well with you and I'm looking forward to seeing you and I hope you take care of yourself and I'm sorry I wasn't very nice at this point..." like that doesn't make sense. If he hated me/wanted to ignore me/wanted nothing to do with me/JUST wanted a friendship he'd be like "You're totally right, hindsight IS 20/20, we did make a good decision." At least I would've...I dunno about anyone else.

 

And my corrsepondance with him has never been clingy/omigod we're getting back together/anything like that. When he saw me and looked so weird, it was after I told him I had moved on and I wasn't trying to make his girlfriend uncomfortable or overstep any boundries. I NEVER said "Let's hang out." I NEVER said "Let's be friends." I pretty much ignored him for a long time while he tried to make contact while he was with this other girl. And then when I finally do reach out to him, he got all weird, even knowing I was with someone else.

 

And if he IS over me and has been since he claimed he had, then how do you move on so fast from your first love/real relationship? Is all that stuff about first loves crap? Do people genuinely not give a crap about their first loves and its not special to them? As a genuine person with feelings, you can honestly move on from a relationship you were devastated over ending in three weeks and be with someone new with no baggage? and see this old person/first love with no baggage and not feel anything? If that's true, I wish I knew how to do that.

 

I just don't get it because I didn't DO anything wrong ever. The relationship got too serious and he said it scared him. It wasn't just me or just him, it was both of us.

[Deborah]

Dear Sally,

 

it is understandable that you are still very angry at him. And as anger is a state in the healing process it is probably for the best that you are.

 

My advice to you would be to let it be. Dont try to be friends with him. Let him do the pursuing. He broke up with you. If he really wants to be friends now, let him work for it.

 

Dont contact him, dont ask to meet, dont do anything. If you dont want to cut him out of your life, then only react to what he is doing. Is he calling you, then pick up the phone. Is he asking you to meet, decide if you have time and feel like it, and then accept.

 

Treat him like a guy you just met. Dont give him any preferential treatment.

 

If he does not work to have you in his life, then he does not deserve you.

[TUDOR]

For some getting over something is easiest by doing something else and that includes dating. The timing of is dating after you is no reflection of how he felt or where ihs heart was when he was with you. Don't be so quick to discount your whole relationship from his point of view just because he dated quickly. That may be just his way of moving on.

[loony]

I'm not sure if I really understand the reason you wrote this post, but let me make some comments.

 

Originally posted by mustangsally

1) 3 weeks after our break-up, he entered into a committed relationship with another girl. They have since broken up, but he claimed he had moved on. This hurt me deeply because he claimed to me at one time that it took him a long time to get over girls he's been romantically linked to, but since he's never been in love with them, its going to take a lot more with me. Apparently not! He was with her three weeks after. I knew he was still upset about us because I got a few distraught e-mails about how he'd heard I'd started to date again and some sarcastic undertones about the new guys.....but apparently he'd moved on! It made me feel like I didn't mean enough to him to even properly grieve over the relationship....or worse that he didn't need to. He was with her for 3 months or so. Everyone that we knew just accepted it. Most of our mutual friends were not very close with him, but they were of no help. I do not know how the relationship went, but I do know it started rather quickly.

 

I also know that even though he was upset at our relationship ending, sobbing and taking it back then taking it not back then taking it back then taking it not back and telling people how he missed me, his away messages during that time were always bright and cheery. When they broke up, he left up a somewhat distraught away message. So apparently, your first love, girl you were with way longer, thought you could marry is not worth a sad away message, while this girl you were with for 3 months who you started dating RIGHT AFTER your ex...means more? I don't understand and I don't know if I can forgive him.

I guess he was very confused when you broke up and that's why he jumped into another relationship so quickly. I can't relate to it, but it seems that some people are not very good when it comes to dealing with pain and so they look for some relievement, in that case it was going into a new relationship. Don't ask me why it happens, I usually thought these people are really weak and never loved you because if they did they would take the necessary amount of time to grieve over the relationship as you said. I know someone who did it, I'm not glad about it, because he not only did it once, but twice - after about a year he got back with her together again. Now they had broken up again (no comments, please ). This guy also has a lot of issues and I think they go deeper than I had imagined before.

 

2) He did not want me to know he was moving to where I live. I eventually found out and asked him about it, but he was very wishy-washy about answering me. Eventually he opened up and said he wants to probably start a friendship again and was excited to see me and hoped I was doing well....but it took some prodding to get him to even talk to me until the other girl was out of the picture completely. Prior to him finding out he was moving, he showed up at my house AND tried to initiate conversation with some friends who were exclusively my friends who he knew ONLY through me. I don't know if his hesitation was through that or what...but it was silly. I never did anything weird, psycho to make him think I'd go ape****e on him if I found out. And I didn't....I just talked to him like a normal human being and didn't even bring us up.

He may not have wanted to tell you that he was moving to you because he didn't want to seem needy.

 

3) While I was REALLY sick, in the hospital, etc. I did not get ANYTHING from him. Part of why we broke up was because of my extreme fatigue which was later attributed to a failure of a vital organ, which i still battle today. This normally nice, great person, didn't stop to say boo to me when people I barely knew were sending me cards, flowers, presents, etc. Only extremely recently, after new-girl was gone did I ever even get anything. He recently wrote me an e-mail saying he was sorry that he hadn't understood how hard things were and he hopes I am taking care of myself and he is extremely glad to hear my health is taking a turn for the better. WTF? Why couldn't he have said that when he knew I was really sick?

 

So the idea that he would be over me in 3 weeks does not match his personality, yet the idea that he used someone to get over me does not match his personality either.

He probably managed to convince himself that he was sincerely interested in this girl. But convincing yourself that you're in love with someone just won't work out in the long run.

 

Originally posted by mustangsally

i also told him i was glad we broke up, etc....because I actually am because of the circumstances and that it was good he dated someone else...and he just ignored that I had ever said anything about being glad about breaking up and was just like "I hope to see you soon, you're such a great person, blah blah blah"

When you're interested in someone you should never ever tell them the opposite and I somehow believe that you're still interested.

 

It seems that you want him back and from what you wrote I do believe that he wants you back as well, what you need to do though is to forgive him. He's probably afraid that you're still angry with him, that you're over him and that you don't need him anymore. Sometimes when we try to protect our feelings we hide them so well that we discourage people to come closer. Your boyfriend knows he made big mistakes, if he can't believe that you will ever forgive him then why should he try to have a relationship with you again? Your guy sounds like a very sensitive person and these are the ones who are very insecure and afraid of getting their feelings hurt. You're holding your anger like a shield before, you do have every right to be angry with him, but that is also the very thing that is keeping him away from you, that's what he's afraid of.

[mustangsally]

you're probably right. The point is, I don't know WHAT i want...does that make sense? I wish I did.

 

The point is I do want to be on good terms with him, but I am having a hard time forgiving him and even just being friends with him if he's done this and doesn't care about me.

 

He IS a very sensitive person...beyond belief. I think he cried more than I did when he dumped me! lol...but at any rate, yes he IS very sensitive. So its very difficult.

 

He's just been very difficult to read in general. And why would he start up a relationship with someone else knowing full well he was leaving but not knowing where he was going, you know? That really doesn't make any sense. And when they broke up, apart from that away message, neither of them seemed to care but just were like "Oh yeah, we knew this was going to happen." WTF? Then what's the point of being committed to someone?

 

I guess the point of my post is how do i move past my hurt and anger? I am just as sensitive as him and I take this as something is wrong with me.

[loony]

I've been in a similar situation and I thought: "Hey damn, he started this crap, why is he not trying to apologize, make up for it, etc., etc." I tell you, I doubt it will happen, I think some people are very deep in this black hole of despair, they have a lot of issues and they don't have very well developed coping mechanisms. They're just not very smart so we have to do the dirty job in the beginning till things run more smoothly. Take this with a grain of salt, you're not supposed to sacrifice yourself to have a relationship, nevertheless I'm also sure we all make mistakes in a relationship, sometimes by just not communicating properly what we need and by not understanding what our partner needs. Sometimes one person has to give in to make a start. I wrote this in another post, but I will repeat it here again: " If you want to be understood you need to understand first."

 

I realized after talking with this friend of mine that some things I said touched very sensitive spots and that I had hurt him more than I thought. I'm not sure if we will ever get together again or not but I know that there is less anger between us. Our communication has improved quite. If you can understand why a person reacts a certain way you can forgive more easily. Whether you will still decide to get back or not is another question. Sometimes a person is just too weak to meet our expectations, sometimes we are able to develop a more real love for a real breathing human being with all his flaws instead of being in love with a perfect irreal image of an ideal partner.

 

Have an honest talk with your ex about your feelings, your anger and disappointment and be prepared to listen in return without judging him. Communication is key.

[mustangsally]

i think you're right, but I'm just so scared of getting hurt again. I'm sure I hurt him badly too, but for whatever reason I can't wrap my mind around that and I keep thinking "Well he started it!"

 

I'm very scared of hearing "Well, I started to fall for this other girl and I thought it would work better with her." Or something, even though knowing he was going to leave he couldn't possibly have thought that. I don't know.

 

I guess what gets me most is when he told me: "Everytime I'm enamored with a girl, it takes me a very long time to get over her. But when we break up, I'm sure I'll be depressed for a very long time no matter who does it and I'm sure I'll always feel something for you. I don't think it'll ever be possible to get over you."...and he said this while we were dating, not as a dumping line.

 

And then when we break up, three weeks later I get "well, i'm over you!" when three weeks earlier I told him he was probably over me since he broke up with me and he snapped saying "How dare you make that claim? Don't think its over that easily." And then three weeks pass and he's like "Oh well, I'm over it. Yay! Let's be friends and dance through a field while you watch me make out with my new girl!"

 

Saying I was glad we broke up was not a lie at all actually because I am, but for different reasons. Not because I don't love him, because of circustances.

 

I just saw another picture of him with his recent ex of 2-3 months and they looked SO WEIRD. in a situation where they were supposed to be couple-y they're leaning into each other very uncomfortably, whereas when we were together, it was very relaxed and arms aorund each other very naturally. I know I shouldn't analyze...but that's weird.

[loony]

I don't think you should always listen to what people say. Often people just say anything to protect themselves. I bet what he told you was crap and you should know it. You know him, trust your instinct and don't believe his silly lies. If you ask him he will not take it back and I wouldn't start talking about all this again till you have reached a good level of communication and trust again. He will just repeat his lies and hurt your feelings because he has trouble taking them back. I would definitely not insist on this topic, you will only drive yourself crazy about things that are not and were never really that important to him. I doubt this girl was important to him. You should know it, you have enough evidence that she wasn't that important to him, don't listen to what he tells you, look at the way he behaves, his behavior shows he obviously still has feelings for you and that's what counts.

 

Check your PM box.

[loony]

I just wanted to add something, I read your first post and saw that both of you are very young. Even though it may sound tough what I say, but maybe it's not time yet for a dead serious relationship. I know you're angry with him, but he's just 18, I understand it that people at that age are confused and afraid what lies ahead of them.

 

And it kind of makes sense when your parents tell you to date around.

[mustangsally]

true, I guess so, but does that mean you just STOP having feelings for someone? People my age seem to carry a lot of feelings around for people, yet I always hear this...."You guys are young" as if it invalidates everything I just said. A bunch of my friends seem to be able to carry on long relationships...not that I want a stupid relationship where we're like "Oh we can get married!"...but why then are most people exceptions and he's the rule?

 

He knows I don't want anything serious now...so I don't know.

 

And I don't think strong feelings just go away just because you are young. I've never seen it happen...except apparently with him.

[loony]

I'm not saying that your feelings are not real or not valid. I just think you should try to understand maybe that you both are still at a very early stage in life. Many people your age (and even much older) are still trying to find out what they want, where to go, and you shouldn't put so much pressure on him and yourself to make things work out perfectly. You should know that people make mistakes, especially when they are young and not experienced. Maybe your ex is just not ready for so much commitment yet and that's why he's acting so confused, his life is before him and yours, too. I don't think you should give up if there's a chance for a reconciliation, but don't reproach him so much if he's not perfect and not ready yet.