How can I get my husband to see before it's too late?

[colleen0084]

Hi all,

 

My husband and I are struggling financially. Short version, we both are in our thirties, I have been teaching for 3 years (making about 44K), he has worked in entry-level shipping jobs (about 14/hour) for the last 12 years. We bought a house, have three growing children, things are REALLY REALLY tight.

 

Anyhow, I have been nearly begging him to look elsewhere because this company is never going to give him a raise. He could do SO MUCH, he is really smart (I don't think he sees it) but he'll try for a little, then just get comfortable (or I stop nagging, whichever comes first).

 

So since he isn't stepping up to secure a more comfortable future, I am going back to school (again) for my masters while working 50 plus hours a week as a teacher.

 

I AM DYING. And the worst thing is, now that I am working to earn more, he says, "Why will I need to get a new job, you'll be making enough?" But he doesn't GET IT. I want a partner. I want a teammate. Why do I have to get premature gray hairs and collapse in the bed at 2am to "have a better life" while he starts on Netflix at 9pm? I could understand if I was the only one who wanted nice things, but he talks about vacations, wanting to make additions to the house, getting a boat...where does he think this will come from? Me apparantly! And it just adds more stress to my plate everytime he starts talking about all of his "wants" knowing full well he isn't working towards earning them.

 

Loveshack peeps, I am growing SO RESENTFUL. It's not healthy. I try to communicate things saying I want a teammate and he says I'm money hungry. I am at a breaking point. I need advice. I wanna cry. I don't know what else to do

[BettyDraper]

I'm not sure why you would buy a house and decide to have 3 kids when you know those choices are unaffordable. Living within your means is very helpful. Whether your husband is compensated well or not, money will always be a problem if you spend more than you can earn.

 

It's clear that your husband is fine with you being the ambitious breadwinner while he chooses not to improve his earning power. Since he wants more, your husband should be working to find a more profitable career. It doesn't seem like this situation will change so maybe you would be better off alone. It's better than being resentful of a man who has no drive to be a better provider.

[hammyy2k]

why did you decide to buy a house and make three children make finances tight? and now indicate that your family might split? very bright idea for making three babies and them having split family home all because you decided to make three babies in the first place?

 

as i understand its eventually a woman's decision whether to keep the baby or not

 

if your husband is comfortable and secure in his present job and might feel another job may not be the previous one, that he has a full right to retain his job.

 

if you decide to earn more and put more work, its 'your' decision

 

in emancipation of women, women are equally responsible for providing the household

Edited July 7, 2017 by hammyy2k

[aileD]

Jeez. Ex can't undo things already done! She's already trying to do better for herself, lets no go the "you shouldn't have had three kids" route. It's already done.

 

Have you talked to your husband about how this affects your relationship? Have to actually said to him "I am afraid I will start to resent the fact that I'm working extremely hard to earn extra money for us while you aren't and I don't want it to affect our marriage."

 

You need to say these things to him. You need to be open and honest with your husband. Don't do it in a mean way...acknowelge his contribution and don't make him feel inadequate because you are more successful career wise.

 

Good luck and I like that you're being proactive

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sure it is frustrating to be married to someone who isn't working up to his potential, and I get wanting to be able to afford vacations and things (trust me, I'm a single mom, I get it , but I doubt you're going to be able to "make" him get that drive. Where do you live? I ask because your combined income is about 73K per year, which is a livable wage in many areas of the country unless you're in a major metropolitan area. Have you looked into ways to reduce your monthly spending?

[MidwestUSA]

why did you decide to buy a house and make three children make finances tight? and now indicate that your family might split? very bright idea for making three babies and them having split family home all because you decided to make three babies in the first place?

 

as i understand its eventually a woman's decision whether to keep the baby or not

 

if your husband is comfortable and secure in his present job and might feel another job may not be the previous one, that he has a full right to retain his job.

 

if you decide to earn more and put more work, its 'your' decision

 

in emancipation of women, women are equally responsible for providing the household

 

 

And men still participate equally (more or less) in the 'making' of babies.

 

I see nothing to indicate these weren't children who were wanted by both parents.

 

Do you even understand the concept of teamwork within a marriage?

[hammyy2k]

And men still participate equally (more or less) in the 'making' of babies.

 

I see nothing to indicate these weren't children who were wanted by both parents.

 

Do you even understand the concept of teamwork within a marriage?

 

doesnt indicate that she didnt want the baby either because 'finances' were/will be 'tight' and doesnt also indicate that her husband is the one complaining about finances because than he would indeed seek better paying jobs

 

i would recommend if mortgaged, let go of the house and live in rented property until they solve their financial issues

 

to prefer babies and house over a husband (which tells me because now she is thinking about terminating marriage and owning upto baby decisions) and thus financial luxury was more important and i also think tht she is in no position to let go of the house and making clever decisions and also making her children live with split parents.

 

sorry to OP for being judgmental but i can resist speaking openly most of the time.

Edited July 7, 2017 by hammyy2k

[norudder]

Saying "what did you expect" and blaming someone for their problem isn't helpful or constructive advice. It can be good to see where you went wrong but hindsight is 20/20. Better to focus on making good decisions for future. Some people do need to improve critical thinking and/or have stronger boundaries when it comes to just going along passively with whatever the partner wants (be it because of co dependency issues or some other emotional need).

 

I wish more people, myself included, had deeper conversations with their partners before getting married and making those big decisions. Not just whether to have kids/how many but partnership expectations, preferred quality of life, etc.

 

My now exH didn't want to work at all and wanted us to live with his family to cut costs instead of contributing financially to establishing our own residence and lives. We couldn't afford a stay at home parent. Of course I was accused of being materialistic and not working hard enough to have a better paying job myself.We've been apart 3 years and he still lives with family not working. He does watch our kids though.

 

I would think long and hard about how important this is to you. How much does his financial ambition influence your respect and attraction to him, respect for yourself? What are you willing to do or not do? Separate accounts/expenses? Postnuptial ?Divorce? Is he a great provider in other ways(kids house emotional sexual )? Does he talk and compromise with you? Is he "in" the relationship? Do you just need him to validate and appreciate all you do? Just because he doesn't do what you want in this area doesn't mean he's not a teammate. As someone else said you can't control him only yourself. Of course you can communicate with him about what you would like, how important it is, and how it impacts you/your feelings, the family and the relationship and what your actions in response will be. But what he does with that is up to him and the followup response is up to you and so on.

 

Divorce will NOT improve your lifestyle from an economic or logistical perspective. It will also be emotionally disruptive. You are changing one emotional pain (resentment) for others and perpetuating the pain to the kids. If divorce is what you mean by "too late", I wouldn't make that move based solely on being mad he doesn't make more. you and your kids would probably have less. Less money less time together less stability. Divorce doesn't solve money problems unless the partner is draining funds uncontrollably (gambling, drugs, shopaholic debt etc).

 

Talk it over with a therapist individually or together if you need to. No matter what do not confide in male "friends" or daydream about other men being better. Take control of your life as is with your H.

[somanymistakes]

doesnt indicate that she didnt want the baby either because 'finances' were/will be 'tight' and doesnt also indicate that her husband is the one complaining about finances because than he would indeed seek better paying jobs

 

i would recommend if mortgaged, let go of the house and live in rented property until they solve their financial issues

 

How is renting supposed to solve any financial issues? When you rent, that money you spend every month is gone forever. When you buy, at least it's building up towards you owning something.

 

Not to mention that selling a home and moving is quite stressful and expensive in itself. You can't just short-term "let go" of the mortgage the same way you can decide to let go of a cable TV subscription for a few months to cut costs.

[norudder]

Saying "what did you expect" and blaming someone for their problem isn't helpful or constructive advice. It can be good to see where you went wrong but hindsight is 20/20. Better to focus on making good decisions for future. Some people do need to improve critical thinking and/or have stronger boundaries when it comes to just going along passively with whatever the partner wants (be it because of co dependency issues or some other emotional need).

 

I wish more people, myself included, had deeper conversations with their partners before getting married and making those big decisions. Not just whether to have kids/how many but partnership expectations, preferred quality of life, etc.

 

My now exH didn't want to work at all and wanted us to live with his family to cut costs instead of contributing financially to establishing our own residence and lives. We couldn't afford a stay at home parent. Of course I was accused of being materialistic and not working hard enough to have a better paying job myself.We've been apart 3 years and he still lives with family not working. He does watch our kids though when they aren't in school (50/50 custody, 3 miles apart). He wanted a third and I said not unless you're working.

 

I would think long and hard about how important this is to you. How much does his financial ambition influence your respect and attraction to him, respect for yourself? What are you willing to do or not do? Separate accounts/expenses? Postnuptial ?Divorce? Is he a great provider in other ways(kids house emotional sexual )? Does he talk and compromise with you? Is he "in" the relationship? Do you just need him to validate and appreciate all you do? Just because he doesn't do what you want in this area doesn't mean he's not a teammate. As someone else said you can't control him only yourself. Of course you can communicate with him about what you would like, how important it is, and how it impacts you/your feelings, the family and the relationship and what your actions in response will be. But what he does with that is up to him and the followup response is up to you and so on.

 

Divorce will NOT improve your lifestyle from an economic or logistical perspective. It will also be emotionally disruptive. You are changing one emotional pain (resentment) for others and perpetuating the pain to the kids. If divorce is what you mean by "too late", I wouldn't make that move based solely on being mad he doesn't make more. you and your kids would probably have less. Less money less time together less stability. Divorce doesn't solve money problems unless the partner is draining funds uncontrollably (gambling, drugs, shopaholic debt etc).

 

Talk it over with a therapist individually or together if you need to. No matter what do not confide in male "friends" or daydream about other men being better. Take control of your life as is with your H.

[hammyy2k]

How is renting supposed to solve any financial issues? When you rent, that money you spend every month is gone forever. When you buy, at least it's building up towards you owning something.

 

Not to mention that selling a home and moving is quite stressful and expensive in itself. You can't just short-term "let go" of the mortgage the same way you can decide to let go of a cable TV subscription for a few months to cut costs.

 

how does buying a house help when you are getting divorced?, you are back to square one.

[norudder]

how does buying a house help when you are getting divorced?, you are back to square one.

 

The house is already bought, there is no divorce (yet,if ever).

 

we don't know how bad "really tight " actually is.

 

If they are truly over their heads with housepayments to the point of foreclosure being in the future then yes they need to take serious measures to work something out with the bank and either increase income, decrease expenses up to and including much cheaper housing. As a commitment to the family and M working to relieve financial stress.If the clarity is there that its a budget problem not a deep relationship problem. The long term would outweigh the short term burden of a move.

Otherwise its kicking the can down the road and will increase problems stress if they end up moving then divorce then move again.

[BettyDraper]

And men still participate equally (more or less) in the 'making' of babies.

 

I see nothing to indicate these weren't children who were wanted by both parents.

 

Do you even understand the concept of teamwork within a marriage?

 

Wanting children and being able to provide for them are two different realities.

 

Obviously the OP can't return her children for a refund. I just think some members are simply puzzled about why someone who is struggling, would choose to have three kids when everyone knows that children are very expensive.

 

Buying a house while struggling financially is also hard to understand.

My husband and I waited five years to buy a home because we wanted to be able to afford it without being house poor. Before that, we rented apartments.

 

I sympathize with the OP's challenges but I also believe that better choices could have been made in order to avoid this situation.

[anika99]

OP I think you have to make peace with this situation or consider leaving. Your husband is simply not career driven or ambitious. Some people just aren't. It doesn't make them bad people as they often have many wonderful qualities but ambition just isn't one of them. It sounds like your husband has always been this way so you knew this about him when you married him. He isn't going to change just because you want him to.

 

Have you talked to him about his reasons for staying in an entry level position? You say he is really smart and could do better but in most cases being really smart isn't good enough to get hired as prospective employers want to see credentials and experience. You say your husband will try for a bit and then give up which indicates that he has applied for other positions and been rejected. This probably takes a toll on his self confidence and worth. Maybe he doesn't lack ambition, maybe he just doesn't feel qualified or worthy of something better. Maybe he's the one who should be going to school or taking some courses to upgrade his skills and credentials.

 

Speaking of school, how can you afford tuition, books, etc, when things are already really tight? And you're going to school on top of working 50 plus hours a week at a fulltime job. How does that leave you enough time to enjoy your kids and your husband? You don't know it now but regret over not spending enough time with our children is a real thing and it happens when they are grown and it's too late. More money, more stuff, more status, isn't always the best solution. Sometimes it is better to accept that you can't have it all right now. Sometimes it's better to cut back, downgrade and simplify so that you can enjoy your life and your family right now.

[hammyy2k]

The house is already bought, there is no divorce (yet,if ever).

 

we don't know how bad "really tight " actually is.

 

If they are truly over their heads with housepayments to the point of foreclosure being in the future then yes they need to take serious measures to work something out with the bank and either increase income, decrease expenses up to and including much cheaper housing. As a commitment to the family and M working to relieve financial stress.If the clarity is there that its a budget problem not a deep relationship problem. The long term would outweigh the short term burden of a move.

Otherwise its kicking the can down the road and will increase problems stress if they end up moving then divorce then move again.

 

ohh ok sry i assumed bought may mean mortgaged, and with 'its too late' mean she may not continue with marriage

 

because i dont think having three children and a house is a good idea if you are financially tight and and want to leave you marriage based on which you have children/house in the first place

[BettyDraper]

How is renting supposed to solve any financial issues? When you rent, that money you spend every month is gone forever. When you buy, at least it's building up towards you owning something.

 

Not to mention that selling a home and moving is quite stressful and expensive in itself. You can't just short-term "let go" of the mortgage the same way you can decide to let go of a cable TV subscription for a few months to cut costs.

 

A renter can easily save and invest whatever income they are not spending on home ownership. Buying is also more expensive in the long run due to property taxes and maintenance costs. There's also a much higher cost to owning in very competitive or expensive markets. Mortgage is not the only home ownership expenditure. There's also no guarantee that a property will increase in value over the years.

 

Here?s how much more it costs to own vs. rent a home in every US state

 

If the OP has owned her home for at least five years and her home has increased in value, she can always sell her home and then live off some of the profits while investing the rest. I agree that selling a home is stressful but so is being house poor while raising kids.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How is renting supposed to solve any financial issues? When you rent, that money you spend every month is gone forever. When you buy, at least it's building up towards you owning something.

 

Not to mention that selling a home and moving is quite stressful and expensive in itself. You can't just short-term "let go" of the mortgage the same way you can decide to let go of a cable TV subscription for a few months to cut costs.

 

I actually know someone who just sold their house, a huge percentage of their belongings and massively downsized to renting, to save money and simplify their life. Family of four, and she's a teacher making less than half of what our OP is making (not sure how much hubby makes but I don't think a lot since he used to teach at the same school until a year ago). They've literally reduced their belongings to four plates, four bowls, four bath towels, etc. Based on all of the very nice stuff she was selling on Facebook, I would imagine the move itself ended up costing them nothing. They just decided they've had enough of "things" and want more family time, more experiences, etc. I think it's awesome and I hope she writes a book about it after a year or so.

[hammyy2k]

A renter can easily save and invest whatever income they are not spending on home ownership. Buying is also more expensive in the long run due to property taxes and maintenance costs. There's also a much higher cost to owning in very competitive or expensive markets. Mortgage is not the only home ownership expenditure. There's also no guarantee that a property will increase in value over the years.

 

Here?s how much more it costs to own vs. rent a home in every US state

 

If the OP has owned her home for at least five years and her home has increased in value, she can always sell her home and then live off some of the profits while investing the rest. I agree that selling a home is stressful but so is being house poor while raising kids.

 

thank you for agreeing with me, i thought maybe i was not making sense, you made brilliant points, it is indeed costly to pay home maintenance if you own it then rent it and then to buy home in expensive places is even costlier.

 

i did make a mistake when i thought she mortgaged her property instead of buying one i apologize to OP for this. some times skimming i make mistakes

[colleen0084]

OP here. Thank you to the people who responded kindly without assuming I maintain a supervillain status card in my back wallet. ���� I am certainly not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I am living and learning.

 

As for the kid thing, we both each brought a child to the relationship from previous ones--he from a divorce and mine from an ex who walked out leaving me pregnant and alone. We do have one together, which we both mutually wanted. We are done now, and I don't regret our choice a bit.

 

As for the HOUSE thing, we live in a metropolitan area. Life is expensive. My husband has our oldest (my stepdaughter) enrolled in private school due to his religious beliefs and upbringing. I do not agree with the expense, but he is adament, so is his ex. I cant win that battle. Also, HE wanted THIS house too. Ive offered for us to downsize, go back to renting, again he refuses. He wants NICE THINGS.

 

As I mentioned, this is all so frustrating to me because he always talks about wanting nice things, in turn putting what feels like pressure on me to do something about it, but does not put forth an effort to do something about it HIMSELF. There is a disconnect somehow. He talks about his wants alllll day, makes expensive choices, but doesn't back them up with action.

 

If I could compare it to anything, his concept of money is like a person whose always late. They WANT to be on time, but consistently make choices that show otherwise.

 

Yes I knew he was at an entry level job, but I wrongly assumed that him talking about what he wants out of life meant he was willing to actually work for them. Silly me.

 

I completely agree with the poster who said deeper premarital discussions need to happen more often instead of focusing on the rainbows and butterflies of infatuation. I think it would have helped here.

 

I'm trying to come to terms with next steps or conversations, so thank you to those who offered guidance rather than throwing stones.

Edited July 7, 2017 by colleen0084

[norudder]

Just a friendly reminder that you are allowed to say no. If its "our" money it should be "our" decision. Don't go along with co signing joint purchases you don't want or disagree with. If he gets mad he gets mad. Would he have divorced you for not wanting the same house ? Money is tough because alt of people tie emotions to it and how we spend can represent who we are and our values . . .ie prioritize religious education. Does he value that more or the house more ? Do you value big Christmas gifts or summer vacation more? Cable or groceries more ?

 

If its not "our" money in your house then simply don't contribute to non joint expenses with your money.

 

Maybe he needs a little help with the reality of the situation. You guys need a budget you both agree on and puts you working together as a team for your goals as a family includes just a little fun for each of you.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever sat down with him & made a budget . . . put it all out there in black & white so he can see the numbers? Try that. Seeing the numbers may help him wake up.

 

 

Check out some frugal living websites & implement some of what you learn. Alas, the Netflix subscription is gonna be on the chopping block in favor of borrowing free DVDs from the library.

[BettyDraper]

OP here. Thank you to the people who responded kindly without assuming I maintain a supervillain status card in my back wallet. ���� I am certainly not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I am living and learning.

 

As for the kid thing, we both each brought a child to the relationship from previous ones--he from a divorce and mine from an ex who walked out leaving me pregnant and alone. We do have one together, which we both mutually wanted. We are done now, and I don't regret our choice a bit.

 

As for the HOUSE thing, we live in a metropolitan area. Life is expensive. My husband has our oldest (my stepdaughter) enrolled in private school due to his religious beliefs and upbringing. I do not agree with the expense, but he is adament, so is his ex. I cant win that battle. Also, HE wanted THIS house too. Ive offered for us to downsize, go back to renting, again he refuses. He wants NICE THINGS.

 

As I mentioned, this is all so frustrating to me because he always talks about wanting nice things, in turn putting what feels like pressure on me to do something about it, but does not put forth an effort to do something about it HIMSELF. There is a disconnect somehow. He talks about his wants alllll day, makes expensive choices, but doesn't back them up with action.

 

If I could compare it to anything, his concept of money is like a person whose always late. They WANT to be on time, but consistently make choices that show otherwise.

 

Yes I knew he was at an entry level job, but I wrongly assumed that him talking about what he wants out of life meant he was willing to actually work for them. Silly me.

 

I completely agree with the poster who said deeper premarital discussions need to happen more often instead of focusing on the rainbows and butterflies of infatuation. I think it would have helped here.

 

I'm trying to come to terms with next steps or conversations, so thank you to those who offered guidance rather than throwing stones.

 

My husband and I lived in an expensive area as well so I understand how expensive life is for you. Is there any way you can sell your home and move to a more rural area? That's what we did in order to buy a house. The overall cost of living is also lower in the exurbs and rural areas too.

 

Nobody was suggesting that you should regret your children. I was merely suggesting that you were aware of your financial situation before you decided to have a third child. Surely you were already aware of the expense of raising kids right?

 

I sympathize with your frustration regarding your husband's whiskey taste and beer money. I don't understand how he feels entitled to nice things if he cannot afford them; your husband seems content to lean on you to be the provider and I don't think that's what you wanted. No wonder you feel resentful. As the breadwinner, you have the right to decline your husband's financial decisions especially when he doesn't seem interested in improving his position. Start thinking of YOUR financial priorities since your husband doesn't consider the strain he is putting on you. When the lower income earner in a marriage is irresponsible or entitled, then it makes sense to adopt a "no pay, no say" attitude.

 

This is a delicate question and I hope you don't take offense to it....do you think it's possible that your husband married you at least party because you earn more income than he does?

[Jersey born raised]

Sometimes guy's really need a 2x4 applied to the back of their heads. You are at a breaking point, screaming for help and he just will not listen. Is this what happened in his first marriage? I am asking in an attempt to get a feel for where his head is at.

 

For example his job. Why stay? Perhaps it is because he needs the security it gives him?