Never been pursued

[furby19]

I'm 33 years old and have never been pursued by a man. Is something wrong with me? How do I find out?

[carhill]

Simply move to a demographic where women are in short supply. Trust me you'll get plenty of attention. Men, hetero men, like women generally until they're dead. Yeah, you'll run into a few exceptions like myself but those are easily dismissed. The key is being in demand. Have that by whatever means, demographics being a strong one, and you're golden.

[basil67]

A guy only has to pursue if we make it difficult for them. I've never been difficult, therefore, I've never been pursued. Totally normal IMO

[Mumbles]

How do you find out? Well, I'd start by asking close friends if you are perhaps walking around with some sort of social shield around you that is visible to others

 

As Carhill rightly says, pretty much all women will be pursued by hetero men until they're in the grave.... you might be completely oblivious to the signals ... though we men as a group are not know for our subtlety in this area.

[CptInsano]

I highly doubt that every woman has been pursued, just like not every man found somebody, especially if if "pursued" refers to an attempt at a romantic relationship beyond the purely sexual. No, I know a number of men and women who never experienced that. The reasons are however unique to the individual.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm 33 years old and have never been pursued by a man. Is something wrong with me? How do I find out?

 

I'm going to be direct here...do you consider yourself attractive? Do others, your friends, family? Are you socially reclusive? Extremely awkward? Or like some others have suggested, are you too available?

 

Your concern is that you have never been 'pursued.' Have you ever dated someone for some period of time?

[Bastile]

Define "pursue".

[SammySammy]

What makes you pursuable?

[thefooloftheyear]

I know of very attractive women that never really get pursued...They may get complimented quite often, but rarely if ever get actually pursued..Guys just view them as out of reach, so why bother...Other women just present such a negative vibe, that they don't get pursued either...Some men probably suffer the same "hardships" here..

 

But yeah, the idea that there is "someone out there for everyone" is not always the case...And some people are just flat out aloof to attention from the opposite sex and have no clue on how to read or respond to those cues..

 

TFY

[Guildford]

Your posing is a little short on details. Do you want to be pursued by every man you meet or are you looking for that one special guy with whom you can have a life of connubial bliss? Whatever it is you should consider changing your general persona. This will take some work and will not be done overnight. For detailed advice you should check out Amazon: books and type in “dating for women.” Amazon has a slew of books on the subject (some of it looks racy). Good luck, have fun and keep a diary.

[Chilli]

Yeah, l've known or met heaps of women that never get so called pursued, most in fact

Probly why there's so many on date sites.

 

Not sure what the thing could be in your case because l don't know ya but l can see why in lots of others.

There's someone for everyone though and things like this are often just more a case of the right person coming along.

[carhill]

Define "pursue".

 

That's an excellent point to clarify and I hope the OP does.

 

IME with women, both 'pursuing' and as a friend, they appear to be singular in the perception of its meaning.

 

I'll throw out an example from my annals of ostensible pursuit....

 

There was a loan officer, a black lady older than myself, who I'd become enamored with over time when I was working on loan committee as a volunteer. We had no defined work interactions and I wasn't a fellow employee or manager. After getting to know her a bit (my style), I asked her out to lunch. She declined, using the reason that she didn't socialize with white men in the romantic sense. I don't know whether or not that was true but she did talk a lot about church stuff and seemed to be quite conservative in demeanor so took her at her word.

 

Now, I wasn't attractive to her, either because I was white or because I simply wasn't attractive, so did she consider my asking her on a date to be 'pursuit'? IDK. The example underscores how we each perceive interactions in our own way. I definitely felt I 'pursued' her but, because I wasn't attractive to her, for whatever reason, did my 'pursuit' count as 'pursuit'?

 

Perhaps the OP can answer from their perspective. Myself, I consider every woman, dozens upon dozens, that I got to know and asked out on dates over 20 or so years of single life to be pursuit. As the vast majority of those were rejected, did they consider a date or romantic interest they had no interest in to be pursuit? If only I had a nickel for their thoughts

[Shining One]

Now, I wasn't attractive to her, either because I was white or because I simply wasn't attractive, so did she consider my asking her on a date to be 'pursuit'? IDK. The example underscores how we each perceive interactions in our own way. I definitely felt I 'pursued' her but, because I wasn't attractive to her, for whatever reason, did my 'pursuit' count as 'pursuit'?

 

Perhaps the OP can answer from their perspective. Myself, I consider every woman, dozens upon dozens, that I got to know and asked out on dates over 20 or so years of single life to be pursuit. As the vast majority of those were rejected, did they consider a date or romantic interest they had no interest in to be pursuit? If only I had a nickel for their thoughts

I have a female friend who often lamented that no men ever approach her. I pointed out to her that three men had hit on her in my presence in the last week. Her response: "Oh, those don't count."

[smackie9]

Could be in the looks.........

[Bastile]

That's an excellent point to clarify and I hope the OP does.

 

IME with women, both 'pursuing' and as a friend, they appear to be singular in the perception of its meaning.

 

I'll throw out an example from my annals of ostensible pursuit....

 

There was a loan officer, a black lady older than myself, who I'd become enamored with over time when I was working on loan committee as a volunteer. We had no defined work interactions and I wasn't a fellow employee or manager. After getting to know her a bit (my style), I asked her out to lunch. She declined, using the reason that she didn't socialize with white men in the romantic sense. I don't know whether or not that was true but she did talk a lot about church stuff and seemed to be quite conservative in demeanor so took her at her word.

 

Now, I wasn't attractive to her, either because I was white or because I simply wasn't attractive, so did she consider my asking her on a date to be 'pursuit'? IDK. The example underscores how we each perceive interactions in our own way. I definitely felt I 'pursued' her but, because I wasn't attractive to her, for whatever reason, did my 'pursuit' count as 'pursuit'?

 

Perhaps the OP can answer from their perspective. Myself, I consider every woman, dozens upon dozens, that I got to know and asked out on dates over 20 or so years of single life to be pursuit. As the vast majority of those were rejected, did they consider a date or romantic interest they had no interest in to be pursuit? If only I had a nickel for their thoughts

 

My own experience is that the pursuing should be dependant on what actually is being pursued in the first place.

 

Heavy chasing is fine and great for casual relationships, and for stacking numbers. But for ltr's, I find it far better to filter for high-interest level from her end early on. That means doing my part as a man, but expecting her to pick up her slack. I find that leads to much much better relationships for me – and it's what I believe is best practice when looking for an ltr.

 

I would advise women that a guy chasing too hard has potential red-flags for a “player” - you might think it means he cares, when actually it's just that he isn't very invested in the outcome. Or the other extreme – a very clingy guy.

[RecentChange]

I too wonder what pursuit means to the OP.

 

I can honestly say my husband was the one that pursued me the most.

 

Met him at a party, he seemed cool.... But not enough for me to stay despite his request that I did - I left to head out with friends.

 

He tried to meet up with me later that night, but was always one step behind (before cell phones). He asked me out the next day, I declined but indicated was open to a different day. He kept asking till I agreed, and the rest is history.

 

Now, other guys have asked me out, some even a few times after I said no. Their pursuit was shorter, but my answer more clear.

 

I would think a long pursuit would require a bit of leading on / unclear messages

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have a female friend who often lamented that no men ever approach her. I pointed out to her that three men had hit on her in my presence in the last week. Her response: "Oh, those don't count."

 

They didn't 'count' b/c she didn't find them attractive enough to consider even mentioning?

[furby19]

Define "pursue".

 

A man showing you that he wants you....one who eventually wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

I have been single ever since I was 16. I've dated guys, but none of them have made it official with me. I've got to be doing something wrong.

[furby19]

I'm going to be direct here...do you consider yourself attractive? Do others, your friends, family? Are you socially reclusive? Extremely awkward? Or like some others have suggested, are you too available?

 

Your concern is that you have never been 'pursued.' Have you ever dated someone for some period of time?

 

I would consider myself to be average looking. I am short (5'1"). I have heard from guys that I have dated in the past that I look like​ a kid sometimes. They say it in a joking way but i know they are serious deep down inside. I am starting to feel like that is what stops guys from wanting a relationship with me....The fact that I look like jail bait. I have a good job and I would be a very good woman to someone. I just can't get anyone to want me beyond sex.

[carhill]

A man showing you that he wants you....one who eventually wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

I have been single ever since I was 16. I've dated guys, but none of them have made it official with me. I've got to be doing something wrong.

Oh, that. Well I wasn't married until in my 40's so you've got a ways to go to. If you've dated and had sexual relations with men you've been pursued. Relationships grow, or die, of their own accord. Both partners are responsible for the life, or death, of a relationship, including those of the dating kind.

 

My best female friend for many years didn't get made 'official' until her 40's either. Dated, had lovers and boyfriends but nothing 'official' and exclusive and legal until well into life. In retrospect, I found it coincidental that she married her BF not long after I got married. Maybe I misinterpreted our relationship. Happens.

 

How do you 'get' a guy to make you official? IMO, you don't. They either do or they don't. Once out of the 20's, nearly everyone is married or living together, or has in the past. That has consequences, part of which can be that official stuff and trepidation thereof.

[CptInsano]

I would consider myself to be average looking. I am short (5'1"). I have heard from guys that I have dated in the past that I look like​ a kid sometimes. They say it in a joking way but i know they are serious deep down inside. I am starting to feel like that is what stops guys from wanting a relationship with me....The fact that I look like jail bait. I have a good job and I would be a very good woman to someone. I just can't get anyone to want me beyond sex.

 

Based on your description I highly doubt it's you looks. It's probably a situation where some guys don't like it and some really do. One of my gfs would have fit your description, and while I wasn't going for that look in particular, it also didn't bother me in the slightest.

[act00]

I would also like to know what you consider to be pursuing. Are you expecting major romantic gestures like you see in the movies, because I would say most pursuing is way more subtle and hard to spot. You probably have been pursued. A guy taking the time to ask you out is pursuit. If you notice a a guy somehow finding a way to chat or be around you (and this applies to women too), he's pursuing, trying to see if there is a mutual interest. You may not recognize this, as it seems like normal interaction or they are a friend with one of your friends.

 

The last time I got quite romantically pursued was way back in high school where I met a guy at a kegger and he sent me flowers to work. I had no idea he was interested and he hadn't asked for my number at the time or anything. I can't say that has ever happened ever again in my lifetime, but I have noticed higher presence, and sometimes it's someone suggesting, "We should grab some coffee sometime," which seems platonic, and that sort of thing. I have had guys I've talked to or gone out with drop off the planet and then contact me again, so there's some pursuit there, even though the disappearing act isn't a really good start.

 

I'm sure you've been pursued, but you haven't recognized it. You may not have had an attraction to the person or didn't show any reciprocated interest even if you were interested but didn't think they were, so they dropped the ball.

 

Maybe my idea of pursue is incorrect.

[Shining One]

They didn't 'count' b/c she didn't find them attractive enough to consider even mentioning?

She only "counts" guys she would actually consider dating. The three men in question had deal-breakers, so they were not counted. If I'm recalling correctly, one was too short, one was rude (he opened with a comment about her butt), and the third was too old.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad you clarified what you meant by pursuit. Most people define pursuit as someone showing interest and trying to date them. That's happening for you. What you aren't getting, per your later post, is guys wanting a relationship. That's a completely different kettle of fish.

 

Since guys happily date you but aren't interested in a relationship with you, it's not your looks. You passed the attractiveness hurdle easily when they chose to date you. It could be one or more of the following that's deep-sixing your relationship chances:

• Your choice in men
  
• Your personality
  
• Your behavior
  
• The way you interact with guys
  
• Your lifestyle/ life choices.
  

 

We don't know you and don't have enough detail to definitively tell you which of these other factors could be the issue. The folks who know you well can provide that insight. What have your friends said is the issue? What advice and feedback do they offer.

[phineas]

I have a female friend who often lamented that no men ever approach her. I pointed out to her that three men had hit on her in my presence in the last week. Her response: "Oh, those don't count."

 

hahahahahahaha.

yeah i know both men and women like that also.

 

I want to slap them.