Never been pursued

[Vyliss]

I think most women don't know how to act in a way that inspires a man to "pursue her". For example, like someone said "being too easy", giving the game away too easily, not being ambiguous enough etc kills the desire for a man to chase.

 

It's like flirting, if you don't know how to flirt you may have a hard time getting a man to pursue. That's not to say there's anything wrong with you though, I think this "art of intrigue" is mostly a lost art.

 

The easiest way to start is to be more ambiguous in your signals. Flirt with men without being clear that you're into them. Give mixed signals etc. This isn't playing games, it's just keeping things "unknown" enough that it intrigues men to put in an effort to pursue you.

 

To clarify, when I say pursue, I mean initiate conversion, ask you out, want to spend more time with you etc. A guy isn't going to know he wants to date you long term without these initial steps.

[Cilantro]

I'm 33 years old and have never been pursued by a man. Is something wrong with me? How do I find out?

 

Long story short...yes.

 

So does this mean you are over 30 and still a virgin?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I just can't get anyone to want me beyond sex.

 

So does this mean you are over 30 and still a virgin?

 

I would say no, right, furby19?

 

The issue is that she is wanting someone to continue with a lasting relationship that leads to something more stable. She hasn't found that person that will stay around long enough.

 

I'm sorry, furby19, but what is longest 'relationship' you've had? Sorry if I missed that somewhere.

[carhill]

OP, re-reading, I'd have to think about it a bit but I just remembered the most shining example of a woman who men seemed/seem to fall over themselves to commit to, heck I did, as her third and so far last husband. She wasn't without a committed man for more than a few months, if that, over 40 some years of adult life, getting married for the first time at 21. When we split up, she had a new guy living with her, still is actually 8 years later, before we even officially filed for divorce.

 

I might be wrong but I think the key was two-fold. One, she gave the appearance of liking sex and was always up for it regardless. Two, by some method or skill she knew how to make men like her and want to depend on her. I've noted that with some other women, MW's, who seem to never be without the interest of men, even if married already. It's far more complicated than sex.

 

Figure that out and you're golden. Being where men are partnerless doesn't hurt but still that 'can't live without her' quality is IMO key.

[normal person]

They didn't 'count' b/c she didn't find them attractive enough to consider even mentioning?

 

To be fair, I think we're all guilty of this. Oftentimes we never even consider/register/remember the interactions we have or attention we get from people we don't find appealing. Plenty of us will say, "ugh, there's no one out there" but we've got countless unread messages in OLD or walk into a bar and ignore most of the people in there. It really only "counts" when you like the person. They're basically invisible/forgettable unless they're a viable option.

 

And let's be honest, there's not much wrong with this strategy unless you've never, ever, had any luck (because you might be delusional about your own value). If it's merely just a challenge to meet decent people, I think that's good because the discernment usually leads to better selections.

 

There's not much sense in constantly considering the advances of people you have no interest in.

[JuneL]

Two, by some method or skill she knew how to make men like her and want to depend on her. I've noted that with some other women, MW's, who seem to never be without the interest of men, even if married already. It's far more complicated than sex.

 

Figure that out and you're golden. Being where men are partnerless doesn't hurt but still that 'can't live without her' quality is IMO key.

 

I thought the whole point of OP's original question was what that is. So what made you want to marry your ex-wife then? In what sense you "can't live without her"??

[carhill]

I think it was a confluence of three distinct issues. One, a shortage of available women, meaning women of all types were/are in demand. Two, a confluence of independence and inter-dependence, those being personality characteristics, which played upon the typical male socialized behavior of provide and protect with enough push of 'I don't need you' to provide a challenge to achieve need. Three, all of that couched in a 'sex is always available' package. Sex was never perceived as a tool to get anything. No quid pro quo. Now, indeed it might have been a tool but she was skilled enough to snow a number of different men at different times in life to get what she wanted. I met two of the other three so have some understanding of them as men. Both were/are decent guys and H2 I met the guy's father too. Reminded me of my dad, married for life.

 

I still think the OP will get more opportunities if placing herself in a demographic where her gender is in clear demand for mating. The personality stuff will work itself out. If she's 'independent', that's cool, but don't put it in the guy's face. Just give him a taste here and there.

[furby19]

I'm glad you clarified what you meant by pursuit. Most people define pursuit as someone showing interest and trying to date them. That's happening for you. What you aren't getting, per your later post, is guys wanting a relationship. That's a completely different kettle of fish.

 

Since guys happily date you but aren't interested in a relationship with you, it's not your looks. You passed the attractiveness hurdle easily when they chose to date you. It could be one or more of the following that's deep-sixing your relationship chances:

• Your choice in men
  
• Your personality
  
• Your behavior
  
• The way you interact with guys
  
• Your lifestyle/ life choices.
  

 

What have your friends said is the issue? What advice and feedback do they offer.

 

One of my friends said that it could be my confidence. But my confidence has not always been low. In my 20's, it was the type of men I liked​ but I have changed the men I go for. Thanks for your response.

Edited July 9, 2017 by furby19

[furby19]

I would say no, right, furby19?

 

The issue is that she is wanting someone to continue with a lasting relationship that leads to something more stable. She hasn't found that person that will stay around long enough.

 

I'm sorry, furby19, but what is longest 'relationship' you've had? Sorry if I missed that somewhere.

 

I am not a virgin...lol. My longest relationship lasted for a little over one year. We were together for about a year.

[furby19]

They didn't 'count' b/c she didn't find them attractive enough to consider even mentioning?

 

Looks are not the most important thing to me.

[furby19]

I think most women don't know how to act in a way that inspires a man to "pursue her". For example, like someone said "being too easy", giving the game away too easily, not being ambiguous enough etc kills the desire for a man to chase.

 

It's like flirting, if you don't know how to flirt you may have a hard time getting a man to pursue. That's not to say there's anything wrong with you though, I think this "art of intrigue" is mostly a lost art.

 

The easiest way to start is to be more ambiguous in your signals. Flirt with men without being clear that you're into them. Give mixed signals etc. This isn't playing games, it's just keeping things "unknown" enough that it intrigues men to put in an effort to pursue you.

 

To clarify, when I say pursue, I mean initiate conversion, ask you out, want to spend more time with you etc. A guy isn't going to know he wants to date you long term without these initial steps.

 

I don't have a problem with this. I have a problem getting into a relationship.

[furby19]

I would say no, right, furby19?

 

The issue is that she is wanting someone to continue with a lasting relationship that leads to something more stable. She hasn't found that person that will stay around long enough.

 

I'm sorry, furby19, but what is longest 'relationship' you've had? Sorry if I missed that somewhere.

 

This is exactly what my issue is.

[Bastile]

You aren't a virgin. You've had relationships. So what exact sort of pursuit are we talking about here?

 

I'm starting to think unrealistic expectations perhaps? Wanting the man to take you on a magical quest. Your first time happening on a rainbow whilst unicorns sing love songs.

 

We can only do so much, madam

[Mysterio]

Every one has a different vibe. For me. As a man. I get pursued when I am in a mindset of not caring for a romantic relationship, when I least expect it.

 

It never works when I am making an active pursuit. My vibe is warm and friendly. Not complicated and edgy.

[CptInsano]

I am not a virgin...lol. My longest relationship lasted for a little over one year. We were together for about a year.

 

And what were the reasons why it ended?

[Cilantro]

I would say no, right, furby19?

 

The issue is that she is wanting someone to continue with a lasting relationship that leads to something more stable. She hasn't found that person that will stay around long enough.

 

I'm sorry, furby19, but what is longest 'relationship' you've had? Sorry if I missed that somewhere.

 

lol just because people were INTERESTED in sex, doesn't require that she's ever actually had sex with them, particularly if she wants a relationship but knows they're only after one thing.

[furby19]

You aren't a virgin. You've had relationships. So what exact sort of pursuit are we talking about here?

 

I am 33. I have not been in a real relationship since I was 17. There is definitely something wrong. I have dated people since then but none of them ended up being serious.

[furby19]

Every one has a different vibe. For me. As a man. I get pursued when I am in a mindset of not caring for a romantic relationship, when I least expect it.

 

It never works when I am making an active pursuit. My vibe is warm and friendly. Not complicated and edgy.

 

This is interesting. Did you end up in relationships with the women that pursued you? Usually men like to do the pursuing (or so I thought). I have tried pursuing guys and what I find is that the guys don't seem to like it much. The guys I have hung out with have stayed around longer when they did the pursuing....but that has been my experience.

[SammySammy]

If a woman wants a relationship, I don't think it's realistic to expect to be pursued. In my experience, it doesn't happen very often. When I look back at my relationships, none were due to me going on a lengthy pursuit of a woman.

 

If a man shows interest, it's probably a good idea for a woman to return that interest (if she's also interested). Rather than sitting back and expecting a man to mount a continual pursuit of an unresponsive woman as "proof" of ... something. It doesn't work that way. Relationships develop from a give and take, back and forth interaction of mutually interested people. Not because men have an innate desire to relentlessly pursue women.

 

I think this pursuit idea is psychobabble used to sell books. Or produce web clicks. It's a money grab, not a real strategy for acquiring a mate.

[Els]

It's hard to say without knowing specifics. I doubt that there's necessarily "something wrong" with you, given that there could be any number of factors. The social circles you have and the culture you live in will have a huge influence on that. The kind of men you meet, the kind of men you like, the signals you give to them... there is no way we could know what the issue is. Frankly it would be like trying to shoot a target in pitch dark.

 

Why not ask some of your friends for their honest input instead?

[Els]

If a woman wants a relationship, I don't think it's realistic to expect to be pursued. In my experience, it doesn't happen very often. When I look back at my relationships, none were due to me going on a lengthy pursuit of a woman.

 

If a man shows interest, it's probably a good idea for a woman to return that interest (if she's also interested). Rather than sitting back and expecting a man to mount a continual pursuit of an unresponsive woman as "proof" of ... something. It doesn't work that way. Relationships develop from a give and take, back and forth interaction of mutually interested people. Not because men have an innate desire to relentlessly pursue women.

 

I think this pursuit idea is psychobabble used to sell books. Or produce web clicks. It's a money grab, not a real strategy for acquiring a mate.

 

I think our ideas on what is considered 'pursuit' are somewhat different. I don't view pursuit as a man relentless chasing a woman who has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with him (frankly I'd call that "stalking"). I view it as a dance of sorts. He chases, yes, but the woman reciprocates. She lets him court her, but she doesn't act cold or aloof or unresponsive. She does respond, and she responds encouragingly.

 

My SO did "pursue" me in that respect. I don't blame the OP at all for wanting that. It is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful feeling, the kind that I would carry with me for the rest of my life - to have someone whom you like, like you enough to put in all that time and effort and energy to court you . It's not necessarily for everyone (I might be old-fashioned here!), but it's not something trivial that nobody should want either.

[SammySammy]

I think our ideas on what is considered 'pursuit' are somewhat different. I don't view pursuit as a man relentless chasing a woman who has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with him (frankly I'd call that "stalking"). I view it as a dance of sorts. He chases, yes, but the woman reciprocates. She lets him court her, but she doesn't act cold or aloof or unresponsive. She does respond, and she responds encouragingly.

 

My SO did "pursue" me in that respect. I don't blame the OP at all for wanting that. It is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful feeling, the kind that I would carry with me for the rest of my life - to have someone whom you like, like you enough to put in all that time and effort and energy to court you . It's not necessarily for everyone (I might be old-fashioned here!), but it's not something trivial that nobody should want either.

 

If courtship is considered pursuing a woman, I personally don't have a problem with that. Though the idea might be antiquated in today's world. Kids are hooking up in ten words or less on social media these days.

 

Courtship and "pursuit" may sound romantic and may be possible for some, but I'm not sure it's very common in the traditional sense. I still think today's women need to be more proactive. Their dating environment is a little different from our mother's and grandmother's times.

[furby19]

And what were the reasons why it ended?

 

He kept cheating on me. He cheated on every girl he got with after me, too. So, I don't think I was the problem.

[furby19]

If a woman wants a relationship, I don't think it's realistic to expect to be pursued. In my experience, it doesn't happen very often. When I look back at my relationships, none were due to me going on a lengthy pursuit of a woman.

 

If a man shows interest, it's probably a good idea for a woman to return that interest (if she's also interested). Rather than sitting back and expecting a man to mount a continual pursuit of an unresponsive woman as "proof" of ... something. It doesn't work that way. Relationships develop from a give and take, back and forth interaction of mutually interested people. Not because men have an innate desire to relentlessly pursue women.

 

I think this pursuit idea is psychobabble used to sell books. Or produce web clicks. It's a money grab, not a real strategy for acquiring a mate.

 

Contrary to what the title of the post is, I don't really expect men to chase me down....lol. I am speaking of pursuing a relationship with me.

[CptInsano]

He kept cheating on me. He cheated on every girl he got with after me, too. So, I don't think I was the problem.

 

You clearly picked the wrong guy if he cheated on every girl before you. What attracted you to him?