why can't i let go?

[confused]

i am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for over two years. he has done some awful things to me in the past that i have forgiven him for, but he now has a new job and is completely neglecting me and often tells me he would choose his job over me. he often works late and makes me feel guilty if i ask to spend time with him. he tells me he just wants to be successful and he doesn't see a future for us because he would rather work than be in a relationship, although he says he loves me and he wants to be with me right now. i have been very supportive of his job but am now getting very frustrated with his attitude. i can't seem to let go of him, even though i know i probably should. he often makes me miserable and i am constantly stressed out about our relationship, as well as trying to cope with my parent's separation. i really do love him and don't want to just give up on our relationship but i don't like coming second best. please help.

[junebug]

confused, thanks for replying to my question. although if i were in the same boat as you i would be wondering the same thing. i think it is unfortunate that after 2 yrs with you he doesn't see a future together. i sometimes think people do not realize how good they have it until it's gone.

 

it is hard to comment not knowing the 2 of you but you obviously want to get on with your life. i think your boyfriend needs to get his priorities straightened. maybe you should just try to talk to him a bit more and if that doesn't work start distancing yourself from him or just not be as available as you usually are.

 

good luck to you too...hopefully you will get a response from "tony" he seems to have a lot of good advice.

i am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for over two years. he has done some awful things to me in the past that i have forgiven him for, but he now has a new job and is completely neglecting me and often tells me he would choose his job over me. he often works late and makes me feel guilty if i ask to spend time with him. he tells me he just wants to be successful and he doesn't see a future for us because he would rather work than be in a relationship, although he says he loves me and he wants to be with me right now. i have been very supportive of his job but am now getting very frustrated with his attitude. i can't seem to let go of him, even though i know i probably should. he often makes me miserable and i am constantly stressed out about our relationship, as well as trying to cope with my parent's separation. i really do love him and don't want to just give up on our relationship but i don't like coming second best. please help.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i really do love him and don't want to just give up on our relationship but i don't like coming second best."

 

Give up on what relationship? You don't have a relationship!!! This is the worst situation I've heard of in the past few months. This guy is a big zero but it's not his fault. You have the sickest, most sadistic association with an insane madman that any human being could possibly have. That you stick around and take his crap is mystifying.

 

Your self esteem must be minus ZERO to put up with his crap. And your feelings about yourself will only get worse if you hang around. They guy has told you so very clearly he is NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. Why do you just hang around to put yourself through continued pain and sorrow??? Tell him to take a hike at your earliest opportunity.

 

Unless you stick up for yourself and refuse to put up with this kind if treatment in life, you will be condemned to utter misery your entire lifetime.

 

Your feelings that you don't deserve better than this low life turkey bone obviously come from your childhood. Some counselling ought to help you build your self image. But you won't feel better about yourself hanging around scumbags like this...and you think you love him??? Excuse me, I have to go puke.

[JustAGirl]

I know exactly how u feel when u say it's HARD to let go, especially if there are problems in your own family... I think the best you can do is distance yourself... it sounds like you've talked to him enough about this... I'm sure there are nice guys out there who'd treat you better... Get busy looking for one of those ... You do need a nice shoulder right now when there're problems at home... last thing you need is additional stress from a seemingly dead-end relationship........ if he loves u, he'll come after u once u start floating away ... if not - he can go to hell anyway ... be strong! try to ... best of luck!!!

 

if u ever need to just write it all out, u can do it to <e-mail address removed>

 

cyas

[Miss Mojo]

hi confused,

 

you deserve *so much* better than a guy like this. he does not deserve you. what he is showing you is really strange form of 'love'. you don't treat someone you love the way he is treating you, and if he really loved you, he would do the honest thing and let you go. i hate to say it, but i think the only person he is thinking of here is himself. it's rather obvious he is number one in this situation. you will always be second best as long as you are with him.

 

honestly,this isn't even what you could call a relationship. a relationship should not be like this. you are not getting *anything* out of this situation that you would get out of a real relationship - no support, no attention, you're not a priority, you're not part of his future plans, he makes you miserable a lot, he stresses you out.....there are a lot of cons here, don't you think?

 

you would be shortchanging yourself in a big, BIG way if you were stay with him. look at all the things you put in your post that are getting you down (and there are a lot)...would you like to see a friend go through this? would you like to see a sister go through this?

 

you have it within your reach to alleviate some of the stresses in your life right now.

 

the number one plan of action list would be to get rid of him (trust me, love is not always enough to hang onto). he is a poor excuse for a boyfriend. secondly, spend some time as a single girl. i can't tell you how empowering that is after coming out of an unhappy relationship...i have been there myself, and it was the best thing i did. after putting up with *so* much crap and disrespect, i eventually lost my self-respect, and my self-esteem was non-existent. spending time on my own was the best thing i could have done. why? because noone else was going to help me gain back my self-respect and my self-esteem except *ME*. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my life, but by god, it was the best thing because when i look at where i am at now, i feel so PROUD!!! i am HAPPY and STRONGER for it. and you can be too. honestly, there are some wonderful guys out there, and it's so much fun looking too

 

please, do this for yourself. if you were to stay in a relationship like this, you will be setting some very unhealthy precedents that you will find yourself living by in future relationships.....and don't be afraid to feel pain doing this, because you will. don't be afraid to be on your own, because you will find out so much about yourself. don't be afraid to be happy and give yourself what you deserve - which is not a distant guy who is giving you a very clear message that he does not want to be with you.

 

good luck to you