Do I cut ties with my best friend?

[girlinNYC]

I've had a really close bond with a girl for 6 years now, someone who I've always considered a best friend and confidant.

I've noticed something stange, maybe it's the universe telling me something. But she has recently reconciled with another friend, whom she has known for a long time but this friend of hers has always had something against me even though we've never had one conversation. She's friends with another girl who flirted with and went to lunch with a guy I was seeing, behind my back.

Although the undesirable events from both her friends happened a while ago, it only really hit me the other day upon reflection. Why would my 'best friend' continue a friendship with two girls who were nasty behind my back?

Does it come across as two faced or am I overthinking it?

[preraph]

I wouldn't appreciate it because I feel like there is nothing more important than loyalty in a friendship. But not everyone takes that stuff seriously so you just have to decide how important it is to you. She sounds as if it's possible she "trades" on your friendship and probably gives this other friend fuel of some kind against you. I think at a bare minimum, I would pull her aside and tell her, Look, if you like ___, that's fine, but I would ask you to not give her any information about me and of course you know I don't want to socialize with her. So please just leave me out of it. How she responds to that will soon become apparent.

[maxi105]

without knowing more its difficult to say really, however the fact that you have reflected and still don't feel good about things that went on sounds like your instincts are telling you something.

 

I got a bit confused by - all the friends said this, the friend did that etc; so I will give you my gut reaction reply and you can take it on or not; whatever you feel.

 

my first thought is to just stand back from these immature and perhaps rather spiteful or at least thoughtless people and just wait. I'm not saying go No contact as I don't agree with that unless its something very serious or dangerous for you in anyway (and this obviously isn't), so just wait and wait, of course do reply if they get in touch and just be yourself; but let them show YOU if they are really friends or users!)

 

see if they still wish to contact you and (how long it takes and how they contact you, is it as a 3 some or wanting to meet you all together all the time etc...) and see if they are unpleasant to you during that time or are treating you badly.

 

I suspect that you already know the answer to this inside (and that's why you reflected, as you hoped to put this to bed); but are struggling to move on from these people.

 

see if they are real friends and try to keep contact with you alive or will they try to blame you for not asking how you are (but not really want to see you)? or are they just glad to let things drift.

 

people who don't care or dont respect you will want things but not try to resolve things, blame or smear without trying to sort things out.its the selfish thing sadly and they sound pretty week and shallow on the surface from what you've said so far.

 

it sounds as though you have been around users and manipulators, it doesn't sound like a friendship that is growing or moving forward in a way that is giving you what you hope they can give you anymore. maybe one time it did? but I'm not sure it is giving you anything of value these days.

 

losing friends is painful especially if they were very close, but you have also found out that (because of their personalities and this closeness) is part of the reason you were hurt so badly by them.

 

it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be close or trust again with others around you, but it does mean you would be wiser to be more careful what you say in future that is private and it might help you make a decision about how these people are/have made you feel.

 

I'm not sure if these friends stay together as friends they will ever be real friends to you again, it sounds like they are influenced by people they see as stronger, maybe more trendier or mentally more on their wavelength than you.

 

if you are more mature than them now and you feel you cannot trust them then maybe use that to start to prepare you for new people to come into your world.there are lots of good people out there that would like to meet other like minded trustworthy people, so why not give them a chance instead of wasting time on people who have already shown you that you are moving in different directions now.

 

good friends care about you, they want to put things right if they go wrong, they don't take advantage of you.

 

I personally wouldn't bother explaining to these people as I'm not sure they are not really interested in what you'll say or take it seriously and may fob you off to excuse their actions...

 

they sound influenced by others and are happy being in this clique, don't let their immaturity and insecurity influence your true values, I think the fact they have re-united is their way of saying in an immature way that they don't really see you as part of their little clique anymore.

 

I might be wrong, but you sound as though you have more to give that is deeper than what they value. good luck and let them come to you if they care. but don't keep giving them endless chances, as you will probably get tired eventually and decide to let them go in the end anyway.

 

but only you know these people, so I'm sure you'll find the courage to do what you want or need whatever that is.

good luck maxi:)

[girlinNYC]

without knowing more its difficult to say really, however the fact that you have reflected and still don't feel good about things that went on sounds like your instincts are telling you something.

 

I got a bit confused by - all the friends said this, the friend did that etc; so I will give you my gut reaction reply and you can take it on or not; whatever you feel.

 

my first thought is to just stand back from these immature and perhaps rather spiteful or at least thoughtless people and just wait. I'm not saying go No contact as I don't agree with that unless its something very serious or dangerous for you in anyway (and this obviously isn't), so just wait and wait, of course do reply if they get in touch and just be yourself; but let them show YOU if they are really friends or users!)

 

see if they still wish to contact you and (how long it takes and how they contact you, is it as a 3 some or wanting to meet you all together all the time etc...) and see if they are unpleasant to you during that time or are treating you badly.

 

I suspect that you already know the answer to this inside (and that's why you reflected, as you hoped to put this to bed); but are struggling to move on from these people.

 

see if they are real friends and try to keep contact with you alive or will they try to blame you for not asking how you are (but not really want to see you)? or are they just glad to let things drift.

 

people who don't care or dont respect you will want things but not try to resolve things, blame or smear without trying to sort things out.its the selfish thing sadly and they sound pretty week and shallow on the surface from what you've said so far.

 

it sounds as though you have been around users and manipulators, it doesn't sound like a friendship that is growing or moving forward in a way that is giving you what you hope they can give you anymore. maybe one time it did? but I'm not sure it is giving you anything of value these days.

 

losing friends is painful especially if they were very close, but you have also found out that (because of their personalities and this closeness) is part of the reason you were hurt so badly by them.

 

it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be close or trust again with others around you, but it does mean you would be wiser to be more careful what you say in future that is private and it might help you make a decision about how these people are/have made you feel.

 

I'm not sure if these friends stay together as friends they will ever be real friends to you again, it sounds like they are influenced by people they see as stronger, maybe more trendier or mentally more on their wavelength than you.

 

if you are more mature than them now and you feel you cannot trust them then maybe use that to start to prepare you for new people to come into your world.there are lots of good people out there that would like to meet other like minded trustworthy people, so why not give them a chance instead of wasting time on people who have already shown you that you are moving in different directions now.

 

good friends care about you, they want to put things right if they go wrong, they don't take advantage of you.

 

I personally wouldn't bother explaining to these people as I'm not sure they are not really interested in what you'll say or take it seriously and may fob you off to excuse their actions...

 

they sound influenced by others and are happy being in this clique, don't let their immaturity and insecurity influence your true values, I think the fact they have re-united is their way of saying in an immature way that they don't really see you as part of their little clique anymore.

 

I might be wrong, but you sound as though you have more to give that is deeper than what they value. good luck and let them come to you if they care. but don't keep giving them endless chances, as you will probably get tired eventually and decide to let them go in the end anyway.

 

but only you know these people, so I'm sure you'll find the courage to do what you want or need whatever that is.

good luck maxi:)

 

Thanks for the reply, all made sense.

My 'best friend' texted me the other day to ask my plans for the day, we do need to catch up generally. It's just the whole her being friends with two girls (who don't know me well at all) that have been nasty behind my back before doesn't sit well. Not trying to be possessive, nor would I ever tell her what to do or who to assosciate with but considering she sees these girls as close friends they'll always be around.

I hardly know the other girls so it's not a 3 way friendship. It's just myself and the other girl as close friends.

We never go in huge blocks without talking, one of us will always make the effort and it's always 50/50 at that so effort isn't an issue. Just more so some of the company she keeps. She's very easygoing and extroverted and knows I'm very mature so she may not see it as a big deal at all, nor am I trying to make It one, all I know is that if anyone did to her what those to girls did to me (ie trash talking and coming on to my partner at the time) I wouldn't be friends with them out of loyalty and principle to her.

I guess I'm just putting my standards on other people.

[salparadise]

You can't expect others to see everything from your perspective, take up your causes, or choose sides in a situation that doesn't involve them personally.

 

Let's say for example that you have two good friends who have a falling out. It doesn't matter about what unless there's clearly a moral issue. Let's say they both fancy the same guy and become enemies over it. As unfortunate as it is that they can't be friends any longer and the three of you can't hang out together, it doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with both of them. If one of them gets pissy at you because you won't take sides... well, she has made herself the odd one out and as a consequence lost two friends.

 

That being said, you should still expect loyalty. Your friend should never be a conduit of information, and she should not cancel plans with you to do something with the other person. If these kind of things start happening then yea, you might have to cut ties with her. But as long as she's being mature and respectful to you, don't put her in that position.