My friend and my boyfriend

[winnie_05]

I’ve known my best friend for about 4 years, she has a fiancée of two years and a one year old baby. Me and my boyfriend of nearly 4 years have recently started hanging around with them a lot and we all get on great, so great that we’ve booked a holiday together at the end of the year.

 

Well I looked after her baby a couple of weeks ago who I adore over night at my house while she and her fiancée went out for the evening, she texted me in the early hours to see how her baby was, and also telling me that her and her fiancée had an awful night and talked about splitting up and that they weren’t sure if they loved each other anymore and that they’re always arguing. I was offering support but she says they are fine now.

 

Anyway lately I think my friend has taken a shine to my boyfriend, she is always laughing at him, and always standing next to him trying to be closer to him. The way she acts around him its like she likes him. I don’t like it. I’ve discussed this with my boyfriend but he swears he doesn’t like her and that he loves me and he doesn’t want anyone else.

 

My problem is, I’m worried in case anything happens, but we all get on great and I don’t want to stop hanging around with them but other then this we are all the best of mates. I don’t want to lose my friend or my boyfriend.

 

Can anyone give me any advice?

[Zaira]

If it were me, I'd ask her flat out if she's interested in him.

[winnie_05]

I cant do that.

 

If i'm wrong i look stupid and she'll be mad with me. It would mess everything up.

 

If im right, i'm in a mess.

[aares]

Um...so what if you look stupid? You want to know if she is interested in him, correct? It really shouldnt change anything between you too because you only want to know if she likes him. If she does get pissed, then let her...a good friend would understand and tell you the truth without becoming angry.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ask now, and nip it in the bud or look the other way and possibly find yourself in a terrible mess later. I wouldn't approach it in a confrontational or angry way. Maybe you could start it as a 'joking around' thing - just laugh it up and say "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were after my guy!" Her reaction will tell you pretty much what you need to know. If she has the hots for him, she'll react one of two ways:

 

1. Overly defensive, overly hurt - going way overboard with the "I can't believe you'd say such a horrible thing... I thought we were friends... how could you say something like that..." - basically angry denial, followed by words that make you look like some horrible person for simply being curious about why she's so 'friendly' with your guy.

 

2. Overly sweet, overly reassuring - going way overboard with the dramatic "You are my very best friend, and I would NEVER, EVER, IN A BILLION, TRILLION, YEARS do something so HORRIBLE to you... I could never do such a thing to such a good friend as you... please don't worry about it... I will stop talking to him, even though he and I are friends and it will hurt me so badly to have to do that, but since your friendship means SO MUCH to me, I'd be willing to sacrifice something that means SO MUCH to me..." - basically going way overboard in response to a joking comment.

 

If she doesn't have the hots for him, she might just roll her eyes and say "Yeah, right" or she may be serious and say "Do you really think I have the hots for him! OMG" - something fairly simple that will hopefully open you up to fully articulate your fears about the situation. Either way, she'll know that you are perceptive about the situation - and you have your eyes wide open.

 

You will also want to talk to your b/f about talking to her too - including what she said and her reaction to what you said. It is not silly or wrong to have such suspicions. It happens a LOT more often than you think. There are plenty of heart crushed people out there who wish they had said something before it was too late.

 

I expect your friend is not running to your boyfriend so much as she is running away from a bad situation, and I expect she has your boyfriend idealized in her mind. She sees him with you, and wants that for herself. She may not understand that subconsciously it isn't necessarily HIM she wants, so much as it is a happy relationship and her mind is leading her in the direction of your boyfriend. All subconscious stuff aside, knowing the motivation for an affair isn't going to stop it.

 

Nipping it in the bud by showing that you are aware will, or at least might...

[winnie_05]

When I spoke to my boyfriend he said hes noticed she is acting differently around him lately and he has thought this himself. He seems to find it highly amusing which is making me worse.

 

If I approach her and she admits to liking him, then what?

 

I don't want to break up our friendship, but I couldn't be around her if she does admit it.

 

Also i'm worried that my boyfriend may fall for her.

 

I know she would cheat on her fiancee she openly admits that to me, which I can't understand because her fiancee is a lovely lad and hes really caring towards her and their baby.

 

I think there can be too much of a good thing. I suppose I feel that because everything is so great something is bound to go wrong.

 

Obviously me and my boyfriend argue who doesn't and i don't deny this to her, so she knows we're not perfect.

 

I just wont leave them in a room together on there own.

[Mr.positive]

I know this might be a little harsh but If there going to do anything they will do it regardless of anything you do

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. He seems to find it highly amusing which is making me worse.

 

2. If I approach her and she admits to liking him, then what?

 

3. I don't want to break up our friendship, but I couldn't be around her if she does admit it.

 

4. Also i'm worried that my boyfriend may fall for her.

 

5. I know she would cheat on her fiancee she openly admits that to me, which I can't understand because her fiancee is a lovely lad and hes really caring towards her and their baby.

 

1. He needs to understand that by finding it 'amusing' he is invalidating your feelings in the matter. He needs to at least empathise to the extent that even if doesn't agree with what you are saying, he understands and accepts how you feel about it, and acts accordingly.

 

2. Thank her for her honesty, and end the friendship. Let your b/f know that you know how she feels and that being her 'friend' will end your relationship with him. There is no reason, none whatsoever to accept your partner's "friendship" when mutual attraction is involved - and he needs to understand that continuing his "friendship" with her means that he is ending his relationship with you. Anything less, and you will be unwittingly enabling a potential affair. Eventually, they will act on the attraction: whether it be a physical affair or an emotional one. They'd BOTH have to have superhuman willpower to resist acting on mutual attraction - and you know for a fact that she has no problem with cheating, so her willpower is probably not going to include doing the 'right thing' for you and him.

 

3. I don't blame you. She can't be your friend if she is in direct competition with you for your man.

 

4. He may - if she is into him, and he is into her - and you allow for them to remain "friends", an affair will eventually happen between them. He might be more hesitant about it, but apparently she has no qualms about it, and women can be very, very persuasive when it comes to sexual things. She may lead him to believe he "won't get caught", and stuff like that.

 

5. At least she's predictable.