Scoutjr Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I am an MW and also an OW. I had an on-again-off-again affair for two years with a MM. It was long distance, we texted a lot (some of them racy) and saw each maybe 10 times in person. The thing is, I still really don't know him. I can't decide if he truly did care about me or was just an ego boost (I certainly know the is some truth to the latter because it was for me). Any MMs on who had affairs? Did you really care for the person or was it something else? TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so). Why aren't believing him when he said he did? Each of you got something out of it, an ego feed/boost and enjoyed the flirting. Are you hoping he has deeper feelings? What is it that you're looking for by having an on/off affair with him? I take it you've fallen for him and possibly hoping you two will end your marriages and be together? You both are married and are playing with fire... Edited July 8, 2017 by whichwayisup 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 I don't trust anyone really. And I think he is a player. Some of the things he said seem to be too good to be true. No, I don't; think I would be with him, so what am I doing? I can't seem to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 What's your relationship like with your husband? What's going on in your marriage that's making you unhappy? Can you talk to him about it and maybe go to marriage counseling? Choosing to cheat isn't going to fix anything and probably as you know, it's just complicated your life more having an A with a MM. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 What's your relationship like with your husband? What's going on in your marriage that's making you unhappy? Can you talk to him about it and maybe go to marriage counseling? Choosing to cheat isn't going to fix anything and probably as you know, it's just complicated your life more having an A with a MM. I'm pretty much in a sexless marriage. When I met the OM/MM it was at a business event. Never in a million years thought this would be me. We wound up hooking up. I felt attractive and desired for the first time in years. I have tried to talk to DH about us, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I've been in therapy for almost two years at this point, trying to figure out what to do. My husband is a good man and an amazing father, but I feel so lonely in my marriage. I guess that is why I fell hard for this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 So your A ended. It doesn't seem like you guys were really close. What you meant to him? Nobody can tell but him. Ask him. How and why did it end? You rarely met in those two years, so I don't think it was anything serious on his end. It was something convenient, with a little bit of texting/sexting, and meeting 10 times. That's not a relationship, that's not even a full blown A. It sounds like he couldn't care less whether it continues or not. And i mean that in the most respectful way possible. He gave no gifts, made no big efforts. I don't think you meant much to him. Sorry to be harsh, but there are affairs, and then there are affairs. Yours doesn't sound like a very close A. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Transitions12 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 You described my A to a T, OP. I'm MW and also OW, though he was single at the time of the A. He is now with his girlfriend, living together. It wasn't long distance, rather he lives down the road, but we saw each other sexually about a total of 15 times in the last 2 years of our on/off again. There was some phone calls and texting a lot but nothing of substance. He told me that he would break his phone first before he let his gf see it, which tells me he is not just about me. He is rude and disrespectful and I feel like he cares less about the situationship being over whereas I'm in a state of mind , not able to move on, crying etc. He sees me and shrugs it off like whatever. WHY am I not able to move on, also like you I want to feel like I meant more, but we didn't girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I was in a similar relationship, just that last I saw him was 20yrs ago.. we had an intense texting thing... He started out so sweet that I fell, over and over again... I got hooked to him. I dont know anything about if he loved me or not or he was just grooming me for something else. When I see it now, I showed a lot of emotions and care towards him. He did too but only a fraction of what I did. Its over. Now I dont care what it was on his side. If left like this for another 4-5 months, even if I found out that he truly loved me, I would take it as a note. Because the feelings from my side for him are fading. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aqulesco Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 when any relationship is kept secret it gets locked into a romantic/limerence stage indefinately. An affair is the same way, except when a married man chooses an affiar partner, it is someone he sees as disposable in the long run. A man will never be apart from the woman he loves/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 20 years?? Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I am an MW and also an OW. I had an on-again-off-again affair for two years with a MM. It was long distance, we texted a lot (some of them racy) and saw each maybe 10 times in person. The thing is, I still really don't know him. I can't decide if he truly did care about me or was just an ego boost (I certainly know the is some truth to the latter because it was for me). Any MMs on who had affairs? Did you really care for the person or was it something else? TO this day I don't really know if I meant anything to him at all (even though he said so). As a MM, my OW was also a MW, but I definitely really cared and felt it and meant what I said. HOWEVER, looking back, I'm not sure there was any way I could have really known her. That's the whole limerance thing. It may feel like something that it was not. So I don't think it is always a matter of the MM either being a lying scum or married to the wrong woman. It may be that all parties are blind under the circumstances. I'm not excusing it, just pointing out that "real" is a relative term when it comes to feelings. They certainly felt real, but in the context of an idealized relationship, they probably were not. I think that's why so many A's fail when they become real relationships. They often break under the stress of daily life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 My xMM had a previous OW before me. She was long distance, so they saw each other every couple of months for an overnight. He 'told' me that it was basically a sexual arrangement on his side of things. It was convenient. It was "easy", he said. He could go there under the guise of business and not worry about getting caught. He told me very specifically that he did not love her, and seemed almost ashamed when he said it. He sort of shrugged. I assume that she DID have feelings for him, considering this went on for several years. He said that he was a jerk to her. That he would go MIA for months at a time. I assume he sweet-talked her enough to keep her engaged. It made me pretty ill because I know he pulled some of the same tricks on me, though he said we were different and he was in love with me. (Our relationship was in town, very close, saw each other all the time...it was literally different even if not emotionally for him, which I can't prove). It's hard to know how your MM felt. I'm sure even my xMM felt 'good' at the time his A started with his xOW. But I am also certain he used it primarily to get regular sex and make himself feel good, if even for a moment. I am certain it was quite shallow. And who knows if we were 'different', as he said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 As a MM, my OW was also a MW, but I definitely really cared and felt it and meant what I said. HOWEVER, looking back, I'm not sure there was any way I could have really known her. That's the whole limerance thing. It may feel like something that it was not. So I don't think it is always a matter of the MM either being a lying scum or married to the wrong woman. It may be that all parties are blind under the circumstances. I'm not excusing it, just pointing out that "real" is a relative term when it comes to feelings. They certainly felt real, but in the context of an idealized relationship, they probably were not. I think that's why so many A's fail when they become real relationships. They often break under the stress of daily life. Yes, this pretty much sums up how I felt as an MM in an affair. I definitely had feelings, but I always knew somewhere in the back of my mind that the A would have to end one day, so I tried to keep my feelings in check (but they still developed). I once read an analogy that I think fits pretty well with most affairs - the feelings are like those we experience when watching a film in a cinema. They are real, but the context in which we feel them is not real - it is usually played out in a secretive 'bubble' enabled by lies and cheating. Due to this shared secret and the limited time APs get to be together, the limerence phase can last a lot longer than in normal relationships and feelings can be very intense. Later with reflection, we can look back and see it for what it was - but that doesn't mean the feelings were not real. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) I'm pretty much in a sexless marriage. When I met the OM/MM it was at a business event. Never in a million years thought this would be me. We wound up hooking up. I felt attractive and desired for the first time in years. I have tried to talk to DH about us, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I've been in therapy for almost two years at this point, trying to figure out what to do. My husband is a good man and an amazing father, but I feel so lonely in my marriage. I guess that is why I fell hard for this guy. Reading this gives me hope for you as an ex-wayward myself. My marriage had become quite mundane and sex was a routine and fairly vanilla event - like a tick in a box once a week or so. We also became so wrapped up in other aspects of life that we emotionally drited apart too...I was very vulnerable to infidelity. After the horrors of me having an affair, we are both putting in so much more effort now and it is paying dividends. As he is "a good man and an amazing father", I really feel that it is worth putting the effort in before giving up. Your children will thank you for it too. I also feel that it is highly likely that your MM had feelings for you, but that, like me, he couldn't or wouldn't leave his family. Is the A over now scoutjr? Or is it still "on-off"? When it comes to the end of an A, men seem to find it easier to make the final break, especially if there has been a D-day and or when they see the very real possibility of their family being blown up right in front of their eyes. Often they break down and just run. But that doesn't mean they don't for their AP care and they often suffer for a long time afterwards. Edited July 10, 2017 by jenkins95 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 20 years?? I think this q was for me.. Yes 20yrs, when we were 16 yrs old...3 yrs back one of the school guys started a reuinion group online and it all started there. We live in different countries so I havnt seen him in person since then. It was an EA. It made me belive that there is something like destiny... I mean I couldnt care less about this guy when in school and now 20yrs later I am whining here about him.. Sometimes lifes strange .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 Yes, this pretty much sums up how I felt as an MM in an affair. I definitely had feelings, but I always knew somewhere in the back of my mind that the A would have to end one day, so I tried to keep my feelings in check (but they still developed). I once read an analogy that I think fits pretty well with most affairs - the feelings are like those we experience when watching a film in a cinema. They are real, but the context in which we feel them is not real - it is usually played out in a secretive 'bubble' enabled by lies and cheating. Due to this shared secret and the limited time APs get to be together, the limerence phase can last a lot longer than in normal relationships and feelings can be very intense. Later with reflection, we can look back and see it for what it was - but that doesn't mean the feelings were not real. Thank you rumblefish and Jenkins. This really helps a lot. I think I just need to forget him. Part of me is a little jealous because he is highly regarded in his field and he gets to just go on with his life as if nothing happened and I'm stuck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I wanted to reply to all to say thank you. I never heard of limererance before, so I looked it up and seems like that is what was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 I posted a few days ago about "struggling to understand" and some posters responded (thank you) and mentioned the term "limerence." I had never heard the term before. I looked it up, and it sounds exactly like what was happening to me. For two years I've been struggling, and for some reason, reading about limerence really helped me understand and has given me a bit of relief. I just wanted to say thank you to those who mentioned this to me. I really appreciate it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 The concept of limerance really helped me. It's a beast. Hang in there. It will pass in time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 The concept of limerance really helped me. It's a beast. Hang in there. It will pass in time. Thank you so much rumble fish, it was truly a light bulb moment for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 You may also want to look up the term "intermittent reinforcement." If your xAP is anything like my xMW, this could also be really helpful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 You may also want to look up the term "intermittent reinforcement." If your xAP is anything like my xMW, this could also be really helpful. The two are a deadly combination and really the nuts and bolts for affairs....I want this person to want me, and I will tell this person what they need to hear to get what I want from them. All equal a dysfunctional toxic mess that takes a long time to see it for what it is. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scoutjr Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) The two are a deadly combination and really the nuts and bolts for affairs....I want this person to want me, and I will tell this person what they need to hear to get what I want from them. All equal a dysfunctional toxic mess that takes a long time to see it for what it is. Oh my god! That is exactly how I felt!! It was all about him and making him feel good. Makes me wonder if that is the only reason he really is liked me (or said he loved me). Edited July 12, 2017 by Scoutjr Added a missing word 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 That's the rub, isn't it? When you step back and realize how much of it was on their terms and about their needs. If you'd seen a friend in the exact situation you were in, you'd have told her to run, right? And in the end, you're left wondering how much (if any) of it was real, and how much of it was just about them getting a nice ego boost for as long as they could and then cutting and running the minute you indicated you needed to get something out of it, too. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 OP, IME once one has sorted the psychology, it's actually kinda fun. Why? Because it's like a faucet. Turn on, turn off. It's within one's control. However, in the waning years of life I do have a bit of nostalgia for the years when I believed in all that love and limerance stuff as an elemental state of being. It's like looking at old pictures and reminiscing. Kinda fun, maybe a bit sad. Anyway, hopefully processing the psychology helped you. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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