Is my wife cheating?

[Chi townD]

I was going to post my thoughts on this, but this might be a dead thread. I wait to post my opinion if the OP comes back.

[Adriw7878]

We went for short family holiday. Took time to have coffee and chat up .... I asked if she wanted separation. She said "No.". She wanted a share of my cash. She didn't deny fxxxxg around the office .... coming back at midnight (Mon-Fri). I already given her the house and she 'stole' 500K of my settlement in FD certs under her name.

 

I am not very mobile. Got PI to check her 'office party' this Friday night. Once I get evidence of her indiscretions, will filed for divorce and get back my money.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Adriw, good to see you back. So finally you have employed a PI. For your sake I hope this horrible chapter in your life ends soon. If your wife has indeed been cheating on you then I must say she is a real low life considering that she has 'stolen' your settlement funds and put them in her name. I do hope there is some legal remedial measures whereby she is held accountable for perpetrating financial fraud on her husband while he was physically incapacitated. She seems to be a heartless woman to do such a thing and also cheat on you when you were in a helpless position.

 

Take care of your self and protect yourself from any further harm from her. How are your children inclined towards you? Warm wishes.

[40somethingGuy]

We went for short family holiday. Took time to have coffee and chat up .... I asked if she wanted separation. She said "No.". She wanted a share of my cash. She didn't deny fxxxxg around the office .... coming back at midnight (Mon-Fri). I already given her the house and she 'stole' 500K of my settlement in FD certs under her name.

 

I am not very mobile. Got PI to check her 'office party' this Friday night. Once I get evidence of her indiscretions, will filed for divorce and get back my money.

 

Any update?

[BetrayedH]

Any update?

 

No kidding. This guy needed a lawyer and fast.

[Whatnotagain]

I know from first hand experience that in the case of divorce, your spouse cannot benefit from your pain and suffering, meaning that everything that is left from your settlement is yours. As long as you remain married to her though she can burn through your settlement money like it's nobody's business.

 

Ten years ago my sister-in-law was hit by a car while walking somewhere and received a settlement for pain and suffering due to the accident plus some additional money from the hospital for leaving a surgical sponge in her leg that caused additional complications. She filed for divorce from her husband right after she was able to leave the hospital and her soon to be ex asked for half her settlement believing that he was entitled to it. He ended up receiving nothing from the settlement.

 

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do but I think that receiving advice from and attorney and having him represent your interests is more important that hiring a PI to bust your wife.

[TennisGal]

You many need a forensic accountant in addition to a solicitor.

[S2B]

Sue her for the divorce. Don't give one darn thing!

 

Additionally, sue her for the money she stole from you!

 

Ask a solicitor to come to your home to see you. They will if you tell them you're immobile.

[BetrayedH]

I'm worried about this dude (even though he is probably long gone from here). Things can get dicey once there's co-mingling of funds.

[spanz1]

Thanks for your input. Yes. I am going to engage a PI soon as I thought her "motivation" sessions are a bit too much .... been going on for 6 months now. It would even be past midnight ... probably past 1 am until I voiced my concerns. She now limit it to 12 midnight but I still have to organise my own dinner.

 

the ONLY place i ever saw that had people partying every night, was a manufacturing organization. After work EVERYONE went to the local bar, and tied one on. So there ARE some groups that do party that way...just not most.

[merrmeade]

I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. I think you're right to feel neglected and suspicious of your wife's actions. I know it’s very hard because you need her and have not had the advantage of watching the situation change.

 

Whatever happens, you must get back your AUTONOMY and protect it from now on in my opinion. First and foremost, remove the vulnerabilities in your life as much as possible. The happiness and welfare of a compromised individual should NOT depend on the good will of a single human being. That is why everyone is saying to see an attorney immediately. The law is there so that nothing is left to blind trust. You have to start with getting all your assets under your control and then you can do whatever other steps are needed.

 

My family has a sad, unsavory story with events that left people in similar positions. My brother was paralyzed for 5 years, and his wife fell in love with my husband, who was recovering from a major health event himself. She’d moved my brother six hours away from home and only had to see her husband a couple of times a month. She then hired my husband to remodel her house, so she could work at home. I was gone a lot but finally saw the writing on the wall, confronted and found out most of the truth, though not all. We finally moved far away and have had no contact with her since. Fortunately, my parents left my brother with a trust, so he could live comfortably in a nursing home near my father. He also hired a care manager to oversee his health care. She convinced me that, since there was nothing he could do about the affair, there was no point in burdening him with the details. However, like you, he suspected and constantly confronted my sister-in-law with suspicions.

 

You clearly have more independence than he had, but even then the least damaging outcome may still end up being a compromise if your wife doesn’t cooperate. I think, like my brother, you want to believe that your wife is devoted to you and doing right by you, but you are slowly realizing that she is not the unselfish partner she should have been. The difference is that you are not protected in spite of your relative independence. Your wife is making all the rules, and your needs and welfare are not the priority.

 

It sounds like she’s decided that about twenty (10? 5?) percent of her time is enough for you, and you had no input into that determination. Her system justifies her activities somehow, but you feel a lack of benefit from the arrangement. I don’t know how much care you need, but whatever it is I don’t think your wife is the best qualified caretaker available.

 

Worse, she may be spending your settlement far too quickly for it to survive your lifetime. There may be many reasons for her to want to continue working, most of them not so good. You suspect relationships that exclude you. Very possible. I’d also suggest that, until you get a handle on your assets, she should keep working so she’s NOT spending your money.

 

Arrange to see an attorney without her knowledge. Give him/her the information you’ve given us. The attorney will ask you questions about the outcome you want and what you’re willing to sacrifice. The worst would be that you have to sacrifice your marriage. The best would be that you regain even more independence, help and support than you’re getting now with her by hiring people to help you in the beginning. The first member of your staff should be the attorney, but I think you’d also do well to get, perhaps, a care manager to help organize your recovery and possibly hire people to help with that—for example (just examples), a therapist/counselor to help you make decisions about what you need emotionally and practically and how to achieve it; someone to come in daily and help with your physical needs; house cleaner, etc. These are just conjectures but if you get good advisers working for YOU, then the rest will follow.

 

I would also say that, if you do get proof that she’s cheating, not much comfort will come from digging and getting at every blessed unsavory betrayal and lie. This is not the norm, but you don't have the luxury of energy and time to devote to investigating. You need to protect yourself first, I think.

 

If you get your marriage back to a happy balance, obviously that's the best. But first protect your assets.

Edited August 28, 2017 by merrmeade

[Rose.1977]

Good plan. There is absolutely no reason why she should have control of your financial settlement. The fact that she has "taken it" and refuses to allow you control over the money is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

If I had to guess, I would say that she was dating someone while you were in a coma and she continues to see this person now. And, she obviously sees your finances as "hers" not "yours" or even "ours."

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

I agree!!! I am sorry for that

[Adriw7878]

Latest updates ....

 

I getting more alert by the day. Strength better by the day.

 

Had a row with her 2 weeks ago. She taught I was asleep already (11 pm). She called me and I acted fast asleep. She left room with her mobile. I waited for 30 mins and she not back in room yet. I went out and found she was talking to someone (a guy I suspect) through her mobile in the kitchen. I walked slowly to the kitchen window and pulled up a chair. I sat there to listen to her joyous chat (giggling) for 10 mins. She ended her chat with "see you tomorrow". She switched off the kitchen lights and walked past me ... didn't realize I was sitting there. I asked who she was talking to at this hour ... she said "Samantha". I asked to see the phone log, she replied "my private info" and locked herself in bathroom to delete off phone log and messages.

 

I am arranging for us to see marriage counsellor but don't know what to ask for?

Edited September 12, 2017 by Adriw7878
more info

[Marc878]

Latest updates ....

 

I getting more alert by the day. Strength better by the day.

 

Had a row with her 2 weeks ago. She taught I was asleep already (11 pm). She called me and I acted fast asleep. She left room with her mobile. I waited for 30 mins and she not back in room yet. I went out and found she was talking to someone (a guy I suspect) through her mobile in the kitchen. I walked slowly to the kitchen window and pulled up a chair. I sat there to listen to her joyous chat (giggling) for 10 mins. She ended her chat with "see you tomorrow". She switched off the kitchen lights and walked past me ... didn't realize I was sitting there. I asked who she was talking to at this hour ... she said "Samantha". I asked to see the phone log, she replied "my private info" and locked herself in bathroom to delete off phone log and messages.

 

I am arranging for us to see marriage counsellor but don't know what to ask for?

 

You are wasting your time and $'s on MC because your wife is in an active affair.

 

You are using MC because you lack the fortitude to take the necessary action.

 

As long as you're weak this will be your life.

 

Better wake up!!!

[Dark-Farmer]

I totally agree with the other posters. Don't even bother beating around the bush.

 

You have enough evidence shes cheating whether she thinks you do or not. This isn't a court of law, you don't need evidence to make a decision. If you're sure then that's enough.

 

Sh doesn't seem to care how you feel and thinks you're to injured to do anything about it.

 

The longer you wait the longer she'll piss away and hide your settlement. Which is your future livelihood.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP and protect yourself and your money. If you choose to work it out later you can. But if you can't do you want to be left high and dry? While your wife lives happily ever after sleeping with the OM on your dime? Maybe even in your house?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you and seemingly as accepting and forgiving as you? Time to see a lawyer to understand your options.

 

The actions of your wife clearly shows she has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. She has no love or respect for you. I think it's time to talk to a lawyer. In my opinion, she's biding her time until she has something more concrete set up for herself.

 

You also need to get your money back. Another reason you need to see a lawyer. That money wasn't awarded to her, it was awarded to you!

[S2B]

Latest updates ....

 

I getting more alert by the day. Strength better by the day.

 

Had a row with her 2 weeks ago. She taught I was asleep already (11 pm). She called me and I acted fast asleep. She left room with her mobile. I waited for 30 mins and she not back in room yet. I went out and found she was talking to someone (a guy I suspect) through her mobile in the kitchen. I walked slowly to the kitchen window and pulled up a chair. I sat there to listen to her joyous chat (giggling) for 10 mins. She ended her chat with "see you tomorrow". She switched off the kitchen lights and walked past me ... didn't realize I was sitting there. I asked who she was talking to at this hour ... she said "Samantha". I asked to see the phone log, she replied "my private info" and locked herself in bathroom to delete off phone log and messages.

 

I am arranging for us to see marriage counsellor but don't know what to ask for?

 

Simply serve her with divorce papers and see if that changes her attitude!

 

It's your only choice if you intend to gain some self respect out of a crappy situation.

 

Either she will end the A or she'll run for it more... but you will have an answer.

 

Do NOT wuss out! Take the power away from her by making the choice for her.

[coolheadal]

We are married for 25 yrs and sexually active (once a week) before my medical mismanagement. I was semi comatosed for 3 years after a surgery in hospital. We both work and my wife is in management position in a large company. I am retired now.

 

My surgery left me slightly paralysed. I can walk slowly (not able to jog or run), strength 40% of previous, walk for 1 km and concentrate for 3 hours max. After which, I need to lay down and take a nap.

 

I received 500K for case against hospital/doctor, my wife banked in money to our joint account. I asked for the money she said "NO". She asked for my personal savings money too which I said "NO". I asked her to retire, she said "NO. I am enjoying my work and freedom." She asked me to stay home and not wonder around.

 

She wakes up at 6 am to go to the gym. Back at 7 am and off to work at 8 am. She comes back before 12 midnight (Mon - Fri) and with me on Sat & Sun. Mon-Fri I will have my own dinner. She will have hers with colleagues and then off to pubs (drinking). She said build up fellowship and motivate staff .... she doesn't meet clients.

 

Sometimes I wait for her at home and give her a kiss when she comes home ... can taste beer in her lips but no other smell on her clothes (eg cigarettes, other liquor smell) or hair. I told her to separate so she can do whatever she want/need. She said "NO. You are sick. I work another 4 yrs then retire."

 

What she doing after work?

 

 

All you can do is have PI (private investigator) watch her and see what's she's up too. No one here can say otherwise. She could be doing things behind your back and you don't know it. She will never let you go at this point when there is money involved. If you find her cheating on you can use that in court. Right now you can assume anything you like but you really need evidence too backup her claims or yours. You have doubts about what she's really doing behind your back or without yourself near her.

[Adriw7878]

I thank all the support here.

 

The reason for PI is I want evidence of her affair. Cannot imagine and suspect she will turn out like this. Minimum damage she had done is 'emotional affair'. She still going out at least an hour for coffee nearby ... whats-apping.

 

Going to see lawyer (family friend advisable?) this week. She is covering her tracks .... afraid PI may not get evidence I need. I don't want her to tell everyone (esp her family) that I was an ungrateful bum that's taking settlement money for move out.

[merrmeade]

I thank all the support here.

 

The reason for PI is I want evidence of her affair. Cannot imagine and suspect she will turn out like this. Minimum damage she had done is 'emotional affair'. She still going out at least an hour for coffee nearby ... whats-apping.

 

Going to see lawyer (family friend advisable?) this week. She is covering her tracks .... afraid PI may not get evidence I need. I don't want her to tell everyone (esp her family) that I was an ungrateful bum that's taking settlement money for move out.

This will be a relief for many of us to read. It's a much bigger step than your post five days ago. I think you are (understandably) moving slowly at grasping the significance of the changes you encountered on regaining consciousness.

 

Going to see the lawyer is the best news of all.

 

Please consider the following:

 

• Your survival is at risk because your wife has control of your money, and your best interest is not her priority.
  
• Your survival is more important than the possibility of your wife's infidelity.
  
• Your wife has changed in a way that is dangerous to your survival.
  
• Apprising her of your suspicions could push her to further compromise your vulnerability.
  
• You need outside (family, friends and/or professionals) help to make sure you are protected.
  

The WHY of all these assertions might come out in marriage counseling, but it might be too late. Please wait on that, and see the lawyer first.

 

I think you are acting on beliefs and premises that you operated on before your coma—for example, your wife is honorable/faithful/sacrificing/etc.; your wife puts your interest and welfare ahead of her own; your wife would never spend your settlement money irresponsibly; etc.

 

You need to change these beliefs faster than is currently happening. More important, you need to ACT on new beliefs and premises that are based on real evidence. Therefore, you need someone who will act only in YOUR best interest and NOT someone who must act in BOTH your interests such as a marriage counselor. Please see the lawyer first and WAIT on the marriage counseling. This will mean you must put the understandably unsettling question of infidelity on hold for now.

 

It also means that you must not let her know. It is more important for you to protect yourself BEFORE making her aware of your suspicions. Believe me, she will NOT move as slowly as you in getting her interests protected. I am 100% convinced that it would be dangerous to you for her to know that you suspect her in any way. I believe you should act normally and give her no reason to think you're "on" to her while you consult professionals and others on YOUR side. Follow their advice.

 

I don't pray, but I might start for you.

Edited September 17, 2017 by merrmeade

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, Merrmeade has got it a 100% right and if I were you I would follow her instructions to a tee. You must get in touch with a lawyer immediately and it should be someone not connected to you in any way( Not your friend). Act decisively and coopt a family member or close friend of yours( Not a mutual friend) who you can rely on to help you in any way you need. Get the PI earliest, don't hem and has about it. Safeguard yourself since your wife is now your enemy. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

I'm worried about this dude (even though he is probably long gone from here). Things can get dicey once there's co-mingling of funds.

yep, this is the thing. What should he / the lawyer do about this?

 

And I don't know if it's so bad for him to see a lawyer who is also a family friend. Doesn't the lawyer have to protect his interest only and not divulge anything if he agrees to represent him? Maybe he should ask that first begire confiding in this person.

[Maraud3r]

Well, he screwed up massively already. She basically stole 500k he got in settlements and NEEDED given his situation. She tried to get his savings too. Apparently the house also belongs to her.

 

When he saw all the signs of an affair and malicious behaviour on her part. He basically did everything he could to tip her off. Giving her all the time to cover her tracks, move money and secure her ill gotten gains.

 

Now he's pushing for MC, which seems like it would be a huge waste and thinking about hiring a PI after he warned her of his suspicions. And a lawyer who is a family friend sounds like an horrendous idea given he might very well be friend with her too.

[merrmeade]

Well, he screwed up massively already. She basically stole 500k he got in settlements and NEEDED given his situation. She tried to get his savings too. Apparently the house also belongs to her.

 

When he saw all the signs of an affair and malicious behaviour on her part. He basically did everything he could to tip her off. Giving her all the time to cover her tracks, move money and secure her ill gotten gains.

 

Now he's pushing for MC, which seems like it would be a huge waste and thinking about hiring a PI after he warned her of his suspicions. And a lawyer who is a family friend sounds like an horrendous idea given he might very well be friend with her too.

But she's still working and couldn't have spent that much that he doesn't know about. The lawyer can take it to a judge who can put a freeze on her spending or give its management over to someone.