30 and never had a girlfriend. Any ideas?

[Mumbles]

More seriously now though

 

Don't be scared off by girls having boyfriends 90% of the time. Particularly when they are younger, but really at any age, girls who want boyfriends generally have them - its just the way of the world.

 

Yes, sure, once you find out they _really_ have a relationship, change your tack, but if you can remain friends, even arms length friends, this is a good thing - it socialises you with women and perhaps as importantly it opens you, potentially, to their girlfriends who may be single.

 

Taking away at least a bit of the 'cold' from cold meets will help you enormously.

[normal person]

If its so utterly fantastic why don't more people extoll its virtues? I cannot ever recall a positive post here about OLD or its success.

 

As I said, people only start threads because they need help, not because they don't need help. Saying "OLD is great and it's worked wonders for me. No complaints! Please discuss" is not exactly thread worthy.

 

My own experience of OLD for 10 year on multiple pay and free platforms is its a load of BS of the highest order, the same people month in and month out looking for some sort of utopia so far from reality it may as well be on Mars.

 

Well my experience has been quite the opposite. Plenty of people use it effectively. Even some cursory research will show you that. You seem to be exception rather than the rule. There's not much sense in using the marginal case to invalidate all the successes.

 

 

The OP can do better than subject himself to the emotionally draining thing called OLD.

 

Just because it's emotionally draining for you doesn't mean it's emotionally draining for everyone. It's not without it's flaws but I think if it were as futile as you described, the companies would've exposed as frauds and put out of business long ago. Most people aren't affected by it quite so much as you are, so I would disagree and say it's definitely a worthwhile method to explore. It's becoming a de facto method to meet people. And you could argue that aspects of it are easier, more convenient, and more efficient than "trying" to meet people in person, or waiting for a stroke of luck to help you cross paths with someone you like.

[rushed]

Are you attractive? If you are then it's something to do with your personality.

 

If you're not good-looking and you have a bland personality, then you need to work on that. You can do things to improve your looks - dress in fashionable clothes, wear your hair in a flattering style, make sure you're always showered.

 

What's your personality like? Is there anything unique about you? Most people like to be around other people who make them laugh, feel good, or are entertaining. Are you any of these?

 

Do you work or go to school? Do you even make any kind of an effort to befriend anyone?

 

You have to have something to bring to the table. If you don't, why would anyone want to be your friend or go out with you?

[guy45]

You can find a girlfriend trust me, adjust your standards though. Most men won't be dating super attractive women like you see in the movies.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's not that. It's just that them having a boyfriend already (like 90% of the time), or them just getting so paranoid around me gets in the way of that.

 

If women are paranoid to be around you, you need to figure out what is making them feel that way, and change it. That is not a normal reaction.

[Bastile]

This mad me laugh Freudian slip?

 

 

Maybe

 

I think that if you get to your 30's without having had a relationship, that you must be badly self-sabotaging.

 

Guy's going to have to go deep (not a Freudian slip) in order to set it straight.

[ZA Dater]

Maybe

 

I think that if you get to your 30's without having had a relationship, that you must be badly self-sabotaging.

 

Guy's going to have to go deep (not a Freudian slip) in order to set it straight.

 

Or just never find anything you want...that's attainable.

[ZA Dater]

As I said, people only start threads because they need help, not because they don't need help. Saying "OLD is great and it's worked wonders for me. No complaints! Please discuss" is not exactly thread worthy.

 

 

 

Well my experience has been quite the opposite. Plenty of people use it effectively. Even some cursory research will show you that. You seem to be exception rather than the rule. There's not much sense in using the marginal case to invalidate all the successes.

 

 

 

 

Just because it's emotionally draining for you doesn't mean it's emotionally draining for everyone. It's not without it's flaws but I think if it were as futile as you described, the companies would've exposed as frauds and put out of business long ago. Most people aren't affected by it quite so much as you are, so I would disagree and say it's definitely a worthwhile method to explore. It's becoming a de facto method to meet people. And you could argue that aspects of it are easier, more convenient, and more efficient than "trying" to meet people in person, or waiting for a stroke of luck to help you cross paths with someone you like.

 

I think there are numerous thread which state the pitfalls I have stated but never mind that. I am simply advocating that the OP doesn't taken OLD is being the be all and end all and a band aid solution for getting dates, it simply is not that for many people.

[Bastile]

Or just never find anything you want...that's attainable.

 

You recently had an attractive woman (your own words) giving you every green light under the sun, but you disqualified her because she had a few drinks. Basically judging her harshly based on daft relationship criteria.

 

This is acting like a woman, imo. You should show her every inch of your bed. I don't see how it's acceptable to complain about being a virgin, when you do that. Fairer to complain about not finding the right ltr, I'm with you... but you are self-sabotaging on the sexual front.

 

This is the point. Guy's complain about things that are completely in their own grasp. That is what I find.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVEG4wrkKdg

[Mysterio]

I will state this. Stop beating your self up about being 30 without having a major romantic relationship. Not everyone can be with someone all the time. Life is long and ever changing.

 

My friend DT in early 2013 had his ex contact him. They reconnected and he is now living with her for the past 2 yrs and had a second baby with her. He did nothing and it happened for him.

 

I think that a lot of us have to just be happy with where we are. Let them find us so to speak. I think that perhaps being happy with your life is what will work better than always being on the chase.

 

Be well dressed/groomed/mannored, keep fit. Do recreational activities and be sociable. If a woman is chatting you up. Then you can ask her out.

 

For me. Things happen when I don't care. Its like I would have better luck by just not doing much, than scooping out a woman at work or at Starbucks. The On line dating this is fine, but most people are doing it for ego and they are only going for looks.

 

I also think praying for peace of mind over this matter will be helpful as well. Also. Once again. Try to stop thinking that being single is a curse. Its not like everyone that is attached is all super happy as well. We don't know their individual situations. I personally think that being attached is the anomally and being single is the norm and even over that. Going in and out of romantic relationships is the norm over a lifetime. All having kids/marriage does is slow it down.

 

I am single, because I want a great match and a solid foundation. Until I find that match. I will stay single. The woman can put it together with me. IT works that way much better than when I do it. I also have been putting more personaily first and looks second. As Personality enhences the Looks. Not the other way around. Its a hard blend but thats the way it is for me.

[ZA Dater]

You recently had an attractive woman (your own words) giving you every green light under the sun, but you disqualified her because she had a few drinks. Basically judging her harshly based on daft relationship criteria.

 

This is acting like a woman, imo. You should show her every inch of your bed. I don't see how it's acceptable to complain about being a virgin, when you do that. Fairer to complain about not finding the right ltr, I'm with you... but you are self-sabotaging on the sexual front.

 

This is the point. Guy's complain about things that are completely in their own grasp. That is what I find.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVEG4wrkKdg

 

Really depends on what people find attractive, for me someone so tipsy isn't remotely appealing not matter what they look like. Nothing sabotage in that, its a simply preference. I don't regret that decision at all which is telling because most of dating I do regret.

 

 

Its not complaining its about finding something you actually like on a multi-dimensional way.

 

 

My advice to the OP remains the same, don't pin all your hopes on OLD and go into it eyes wide open with realistic expectations.

 

 

Someone who has had few lady friends might derive greater happiness from having a great friend than they would from a lousy GF. Ultimately an unhappy person wont attract anyone ever so find some happiness.

 

 

Perhaps genuine friendly chats and shared interests mean more to me than the advances of a very tipsy person.

[tetrahedral]

Really depends on what people find attractive, for me someone so tipsy isn't remotely appealing not matter what they look like. Nothing sabotage in that, its a simply preference. I don't regret that decision at all which is telling because most of dating I do regret.

 

 

Its not complaining its about finding something you actually like on a multi-dimensional way.

 

 

My advice to the OP remains the same, don't pin all your hopes on OLD and go into it eyes wide open with realistic expectations.

 

 

Someone who has had few lady friends might derive greater happiness from having a great friend than they would from a lousy GF. Ultimately an unhappy person wont attract anyone ever so find some happiness.

 

 

Perhaps genuine friendly chats and shared interests mean more to me than the advances of a very tipsy person.

 

But you have to crawl before you can walk. You have to walk before you can run. You're trying to go from not being able to crawl to Wayde van Niekerk.

[ZA Dater]

But you have to crawl before you can walk. You have to walk before you can run. You're trying to go from not being able to crawl to Wayde van Niekerk.

 

I don't buy into that school of thought when it comes to dating. Why should anyone go out with someone they don't want to in order to get experience.

 

 

Added to which no two people are alike so going out with lots of people to try and understand people makes no sense either.

 

 

At the end of the day, providing nobody else is harmed, simply do what makes you happy which is what I am doing, I don't have the girl but I am lucky enough to have a great friend.

[tetrahedral]

I don't buy into that school of thought when it comes to dating. Why should anyone go out with someone they don't want to in order to get experience.

 

 

Added to which no two people are alike so going out with lots of people to try and understand people makes no sense either.

 

 

At the end of the day, providing nobody else is harmed, simply do what makes you happy which is what I am doing, I don't have the girl but I am lucky enough to have a great friend.

 

But how do you even know what you want in a relationship, if you won't be in one?

 

Ask anyone and they'll tell you the same thing. The time they've spent in relationships has changed their outlook on a million things. There's a reason why exes are exes.

 

Waiting for someone hypothetical and perfect, to me sounds like self-sabotage. You're setting yourself up to fail.

 

And yes, no two people are exactly alike.

 

But people exhibit strong patterns in behavior. And learning those patterns can only realistically be done through experience.

 

It cracks me up when people object to describing men or women as a group.

 

If men or women as a group exhibited zero covariance with one another's behavior, then there would be no such thing as "good" or "bad" with the opposite sex. People would pair up in a perfectly random fashion. That is obviously not the case.

[CptInsano]

But how do you even know what you want in a relationship, if you won't be in one?[...]

 

Agreed. It took me a small number of relationships to figure out what type of relationship, and type of woman, was right for me. Otherwise you are exhibiting a Dunning-Kruger, meaning you don't know enough to realize your own inability.

[ZA Dater]

But how do you even know what you want in a relationship, if you won't be in one?

 

Ask anyone and they'll tell you the same thing. The time they've spent in relationships has changed their outlook on a million things. There's a reason why exes are exes.

 

Waiting for someone hypothetical and perfect, to me sounds like self-sabotage. You're setting yourself up to fail.

 

And yes, no two people are exactly alike.

 

But people exhibit strong patterns in behavior. And learning those patterns can only realistically be done through experience.

 

It cracks me up when people object to describing men or women as a group.

 

If men or women as a group exhibited zero covariance with one another's behavior, then there would be no such thing as "good" or "bad" with the opposite sex. People would pair up in a perfectly random fashion. That is obviously not the case.

 

Well typically I don't agree. I have been on enough dates to know what traits I absolutely do not like and met enough people to know what does appeal to me. You don't need to date someone to learn about people, you can learn about people in many different ways.

 

 

You don't need people to change an outlook you need experiences for that, in my opinion at least.

 

 

For me so long as the scales remain reasonably balances and I have anything to occupy my time dating seems less important and even less relevant, especially if I need to someone try and like people I do not like. Would you choose to spend time with the miserable person, of course not, I choose not to spend time with people I have nothing in common with intellectually. Sure, I will try understand them, try relate but if I cant then so be it, I am not going to bend over backwards to try fit in when I cannot.

 

 

My experience is people do pair up in a total random fashion, nobody I know who is paired up seems to have anything in common with the person they are paired up with, perhaps a common interest here or perhaps similar lifestyles.

 

 

Am I making a mistake, should I simply at 33 just settle for anyone prepared to give me the time of day? Not interested, for too long I bent over to try accommodate others, I tried to be what people wanted and nobody wanted that, I chased dates, met up with people who I had nothing in common with. I know what I am, I know what I am good at, I know what I have to offer and if nobody wants that, then simply so be it, I guess I'll have to settle for the fact I know some people do care even if I wake up alone everyday of my life. Its an immeasurably better though than waking up next to someone I don't want but is there because, well she is best I could find.

 

 

You know what I found? I found I get more joy out of a platonic friendship than I ever got out of chasing dates and feeling really horrible when I was rejected. Maybe I have simply just accepted I am a loner for life.

 

 

Here is the theory OP, do what you can to date, try but keep and open mind when you are trying, look at the experience rather than the result because if you are results driven you may be disappointed.

 

 

Ultimately you need to be strong enough not to be dragged down by a lack of dating success, have enough going on in life to distract you because if you make life about dating it can become a lonely place.

 

 

OLD is worth trying, it seems to enjoy a larger acceptance level in the USA than it does where, here its akin to a dirty word.

 

 

Will I stop trying to date, no but I also wont go out of my way to date, if by some miracle I ever get it right I will be thankful to enjoy the intimacy a relationship offers among other things. If it never happens, well I can wake up and know there are millions of others just like me...waking up alone.

[ZA Dater]

Agreed. It took me a small number of relationships to figure out what type of relationship, and type of woman, was right for me. Otherwise you are exhibiting a Dunning-Kruger, meaning you don't know enough to realize your own inability.

 

Which is fine, at 30 odd your time to learn has long since passed and the acceptability of having no relationship history has also long since passed.

[Bastile]

Which is fine, at 30 odd your time to learn has long since passed and the acceptability of having no relationship history has also long since passed.

 

That's your comfort zone, and you'll be damned if you're leaving it.

[ZA Dater]

That's your comfort zone, and you'll be damned if you're leaving it.

 

No its simple reality for many. here are many threads on here where a lack of dating experience was noted as a red flag.

 

 

Its very easy to type the above when you aren't in the situation the OP finds himself in.

[CptInsano]

No its simple reality for many. here are many threads on here where a lack of dating experience was noted as a red flag.

 

 

Its very easy to type the above when you aren't in the situation the OP finds himself in.

 

Oh really? I was a stutterer with pretty bad acne in my early twenties, skinny as a rail to a degree of almost being underweight, largely due to my obsession with bicycling. Was that a red flag for many women? Yes, I can still remember the expression on some womens' facing when they realized I stuttered, and their feelings of discomfort, pity or even disgust were clearly visible. Still I had my first girlfriends during that time.

 

Please get over that mental block, because describing it as an insurmountable fate just mocks those that really are out of options.

[BaileyB]

Please get over that mental block, because describing it as an insurmountable fate just mocks those that really are out of options.

 

 

Nothing in life is insurmountable. Attitude is everything.

 

One of my favorite quotes - "The only disability in life is a bad attitude."

Scott Hamilton.

Edited July 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

Oh really? I was a stutterer with pretty bad acne in my early twenties, skinny as a rail to a degree of almost being underweight, largely due to my obsession with bicycling. Was that a red flag for many women? Yes, I can still remember the expression on some womens' facing when they realized I stuttered, and their feelings of discomfort, pity or even disgust were clearly visible. Still I had my first girlfriends during that time.

 

Please get over that mental block, because describing it as an insurmountable fate just mocks those that really are out of options.

 

Never did I say its insurmountable. However, it is fate to a lesser or greater degree. You can do everything you want and still land up not getting what you want, such is life.

 

 

My point remains the same, its much more difficult to learn at 30 than it is at 16, at 30 there is an expectation of experience. Its difficult to beat that expectation.

 

 

I don't think anyone is ever truly out of options, its whether they like those options, that's a different matter.

 

 

This whole mantra of "well you need to learn with something on a different level to what you want" seems to support my view of experience mattering.

 

 

In the OP scenario he has nothing to loose chasing who he likes, if they reciprocate, great if not then default to friends, that way you really end up loosing nothing at all. Friends can teach you a lot, I wish I had had more of them growing up. The fact he can be friends with girls is hugely positive, despite the stigma friend zone seems to have on here.

 

 

Kudos to you for beating the odds, anyone who does has my respect. Some want dating more than others, at 16, I couldn't care less about dating, mostly anyway. My focus was elsewhere, do I regret that, sure sometimes but it is what it is. In fact one of my worst dating experience was at 17 when I did ask someone out I liked and was turned down in front of an entire crowd.

 

 

We all have our own wants and each of us should strive towards them, the idea of working my way up the so called dating ladder has zero appeal at all, ultimately there is more to life than chasing dates.

[CptInsano]

Never did I say its insurmountable. However, it is fate to a lesser or greater degree. You can do everything you want and still land up not getting what you want, such is life.

 

Sorry, but this statement seems like a contradiction in itself to me.

 

My point remains the same, its much more difficult to learn at 30 than it is at 16, at 30 there is an expectation of experience. Its difficult to beat that expectation.

 

You are making it sound like you are 90. I emigrated around that age, learned to live in a new country, assimilate to a culture that was foreign to me, and more or less started over.

 

I don't think anyone is ever truly out of options, its whether they like those options, that's a different matter.

 

Indeed, and that more or less makes it your choice.

 

In the OP scenario he has nothing to loose chasing who he likes, if they reciprocate, great if not then default to friends, that way you really end up loosing nothing at all. Friends can teach you a lot, I wish I had had more of them growing up. The fact he can be friends with girls is hugely positive, despite the stigma friend zone seems to have on here.

 

These are two different aspects, IMHO. There are women you're after who are just to friendly to tell you to take a hike. That friendzone has nothing to do with friendship, it's about keeping the guy at a distance.

 

Then there are women who would show up if you asked them to meet you behind the train station at 3am and to bring a blunt object. Those are friends.

 

Kudos to you for beating the odds, anyone who does has my respect. Some want dating more than others, at 16, I couldn't care less about dating, mostly anyway. My focus was elsewhere, do I regret that, sure sometimes but it is what it is. In fact one of my worst dating experience was at 17 when I did ask someone out I liked and was turned down in front of an entire crowd.

 

 

We all have our own wants and each of us should strive towards them, the idea of working my way up the so called dating ladder has zero appeal at all, ultimately there is more to life than chasing dates.

 

And I was talking less about dating and more about having a girlfriend.

[Bastile]

ZADater, you seem to be under the illusion that you are the only one with problems. That your problems are unique or something.

 

My first time was bloody rubbish. Probably most of ours was.

 

Are you expecting sex on a cloud, whilst leprechauns dance and sing? Just handle your business.

 

It's just sex. After you've done it, you'll seriously wonder what all the fuss was about.

[ZA Dater]

ZADater, you seem to be under the illusion that you are the only one with problems. That your problems are unique or something.

 

My first time was bloody rubbish. Probably most of ours was.

 

Are you expecting sex on a cloud, whilst leprechauns dance and sing? Just handle your business.

 

It's just sex. After you've done it, you'll seriously wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

You have this wrong. Everywhere there are problems, many of which are a consequence of human nature.

 

 

I have no doubt sex is mundane but I'd prefer to have it with someone who isn't mundane to me. In other words I need to find her attractive overall rather than in one aspect. These people do exist, granted I haven't met too many of them but a lot of what makes a person attractive to me is how they interact with me.

 

 

Which is why I rather have someone around like that, even if they don't physically find me attractive/they aren't single. There is undoubted value to be gained from that, which for someone like me who as been alone my entire life is rather nice to have.

 

 

The way I see it, you can sit and mope about what you don't have or you can look around and see what you do have and make the most of that.

 

 

Undoubtedly it is special to be attractive to someone, it must be or billions wouldn't seek exactly that, even I misguidedly think I am attractive to some and often think how nice it would be to take xyz out but reality isn't so, xyz isn't interested in me and abc which might find me attractive is of no interest to me.

 

 

That's the point I am making about OLD, you can make it work but to what level of compromise? How many things do you just let go?

 

 

I wanted to compromise on those things I am fairly sure I could date someone but I know each and every time I saw them I think "I don't really want this, I want that".

 

 

When all's said and done looking is either a positive experience or it isn't, there doesn't seem to be much middle ground.