Greentreelady Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 My burning question: Is affair sex the "BEST SEX EVER"? Back story, husband had a year long EA that turned PA for another year. When AP outted the affair she admitted that they only had 3 ****s but lots of oral on him. He stated (not knowing what OP said) that it was 3 ****s and oral twice. When asked why not more he said because it was horrible, awkward, dirty and wrong. It wasnt like how he built it up in his mind. It was suppose to be dirty, porn sex, them all over each other, passion, intense. What he got was 2 people who were use to doing it one way with their SO and trying to make new sex work and was a huge let down. So he would lie to her about me not ever working so he wouldnt be able to meet her like she wanted him to. Until she got to out of control and demanding and felt he had to meet her again. (Lame on so many lvls) Oviously it was great or he wouldnt have gone back, but he didnt go back all that often. 12 months and only 5 sexy times? Really? Why even bother? He stated he wanted the attention and had to pay the piper to get the ego strokes which i dont get. If they suck in bed why got back? I dont go back if they suck. But all the articles i have read state that affair sex is the best. Nothing can compare. So my question is WHY is affair sex always said to be the best sex ever? If its so great why not bump uglies all the time? Was he just unlucky and found a bad lay AP? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 There are plenty of stories even just on this forum of affairs that didn't have sex, or only barely had sex and it wasn't any good. 'Affair sex is the best ever' is just one of those things that gets tossed around to try and justify why someone would cheat, when it's really far more complicated than that. Affair sex has two major things going for it. One, there's the whole taboo nature of the relationship, the limerance, the off/on, the fear of getting caught, all the things that ramp up the drama chemicals and make the attachment seem incredibly exciting. All these chemicals don't necessarily actually apply to the act of sex itself, they're more tangled up in the wanting to be with that person. If you can only manage to have sex a few times during the affair, that in itself fuels the endless unfulfilled yearning chemicals that drive you crazy. Two, the 'dirty' side of the relationship. If you're in an affair with someone you don't feel madly in love with but just want to bone, you can try out all the weird things you were always too ashamed or scared to go for in your 'real' relationship... but this is only going to work if both parties are in sync with the hot sexy fantasies. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Sorry, but you are his wife and no doubt you are trying for reconciliation, so he is hardly going to tell you it was the best sex ever, is he? Illicit, clandestine, obsessive, addictive, exciting, risky, naughty, new, and "in love"- all guaranteed to make it seem like the best sex ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 You're assuming they are both telling the truth about how often they had sex? If he's capable of having sex with another woman, he's very capable of lying about the frequency and quality. He'd also be quite capable of manipulating her into telling you just about anything. He's still trying to pull the wool over your eyes, in other words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Most cheaters initially minimize their number of encounters in order to back up their assertion that the dalliance "meant nothing". In alot of cases,w hen someone says Affair Sex was the best...it is because they know they are making the choice to cheat. The adrenaline rush of the illicit nature of the act itself would heighten sexual energy. Although in alot of cases, it falls flat on its face because so many guys have ED these days they talk a good game but then the act happens and it leaves the partner wondering why they did it with a 2 Pump Chump. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greentreelady Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Sorry, but you are his wife and no doubt you are trying for reconciliation, so he is hardly going to tell you it was the best sex ever, is he? Illicit, clandestine, obsessive, addictive, exciting, risky, naughty, new, and "in love"- all guaranteed to make it seem like the best sex ever. Thats the thing. I am divorcing him. Its finalised In kust 3 weeks. There is no chance to reconcile, i just wanted the truth from him and he is sticking to this bull. Wanting clarity and truth so we can at least be in the same room with our kids. Why stick to this when its over? He'd also be quite capable of manipulating her into telling you just about anything. He's still trying to pull the wool over your eyes, in other words. Why would she lie when the whole conversation was her trying to convince me to leave his with all the horrible things he said about me, his leaving the kids to meet her. The list goes on.Wouldnt she over exaggerate the sexy times to push home their love? Yes i know i shouldnt bother asking these questions because I am leaving him but this is how my brain works. To get over and accept somwthing i need to understand it to the best of my ablity. So all answers are so welcome Edited July 9, 2017 by Greentreelady 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Yes i know i shouldnt bother asking these questions because I am leaving him but this is how my brain works. To get over and accept somwthing i need to understand it to the best of my ablity. So all answers are so welcome Just remember that closure is fleeting at best, specially when dealing with a cheater. You will rarely get the answers you seek, and even if you do, cheaters are liars. Every one of em is. So don't put too much stock into your STBX or his spiel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 People have affairs for different reasons and not all affairs are based on amazing sex... your husband felt emotionally neglected in your marriage, and sought out intellectual stimulation, ego lifting, feels desired, which can be way more intoxicating than physical sex. ....yes affair sex can be intense because it's new and thrilling, but it isn't always that way with everyone. Glad you filed....he disrespected you and the marriage. If he was that unhappy all he had to do was communicated that to you. Affairs are never the answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Our A sex was "the best ever"... but it still is, although the R is no longer an A, but a M. Was it better because it was an A, or was it just good because of the chemistry? I'm guessing the latter, since if it was the former, it ought to have become ho-hum by now. Perhaps a small portion of people are truly turned on by the "forbidden", transgressive nature of the A, but I suspect for most people, it's either good sex or it's not. If it's good, you'll go back for more. If it's not, why would you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I don't know about "best ever" but it's really good. I think the chemistry and being in tune with eachother makes it that way. For some I think the forbidden or difference lack if inhibitions makes it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 you do realize that you are so much better than the AP in every department. Many BS think that they can not compare with the wild and crazy sex from the A and are deeply hurt by the lies, the betrayal, the cheating and self confidence takes a hugh blow. The AP is not a better lover. It is the mind of those in the affairs that matter. Are you sure he is being honest with you? It sounds like he should pay to take a polly! But as an other gender BS, it comes to mind that he must have had at least an 18 inch c**k, was hung like a horse, no way to compete with the A sex. Hope you get the truth and some healing. How would your H feel if you had an A? I am not suggesting that you morally bankrupt yourself like he did, but he would not like you getting a PA or EA. It would eat him alive like it does other BS. hope you get the truth and some relief from the pain and the hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I think often it IS better - not always - but many times. Sex that is new exciting dangerous and free from roles and expectations and demands. Kind of like the way divorced or single dating sex is often better than marriage or long relationship sex. New folks will put forth more effort to impress or willing to experiment and take risks. Its not exactly the person or their body - but just the situation - if you will. But not always. I have read stories here about it not being so great. and then even if the physical is great for a while - there is often a price to be paid later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I do not believe that the only people having "great" (subjective) sex are those having sex in an affair. Nor do I believe that anyone is having "great" sex each and every time that they have sex with the same person. We are never the exact same person as we were the last time we had sex. We might be more tired, stress, hornier, rushed...etc. We might want longer sessions or more relaxing intimacy. Sometimes "great" just means having no where to go afterwards and falling deeply asleep. I have often heard WH's use the word "different" when describing the sex with the AP. Is different the same as "the best"? Isnt "different" where most first sexual encounters fall under? Even those with the BS? I wouldnt put much stock in the one-size-fits-all assumption of "all affairs are great sex". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) My burning question: Is affair sex the "BEST SEX EVER"? Back story, husband had a year long EA that turned PA for another year. When AP outted the affair she admitted that they only had 3 ****s but lots of oral on him. He stated (not knowing what OP said) that it was 3 ****s and oral twice. When asked why not more he said because it was horrible, awkward, dirty and wrong. It wasnt like how he built it up in his mind. It was suppose to be dirty, porn sex, them all over each other, passion, intense. What he got was 2 people who were use to doing it one way with their SO and trying to make new sex work and was a huge let down. So he would lie to her about me not ever working so he wouldnt be able to meet her like she wanted him to. Until she got to out of control and demanding and felt he had to meet her again. (Lame on so many lvls) Oviously it was great or he wouldnt have gone back, but he didnt go back all that often. 12 months and only 5 sexy times? Really? Why even bother? He stated he wanted the attention and had to pay the piper to get the ego strokes which i dont get. If they suck in bed why got back? I dont go back if they suck. But all the articles i have read state that affair sex is the best. Nothing can compare. So my question is WHY is affair sex always said to be the best sex ever? If its so great why not bump uglies all the time? Was he just unlucky and found a bad lay AP? Obviously it was all the oral. That was all my xmm wanted from me really, his wife would not do it. My husband met someone who said she loved giving oral and he was immediately smitten. I blame porn where the women are smiling and enjoying it. A woman cannot underestimate how important this is to a man. They will do anything, risk anything to get it. So now I know and I do it. To answer your specific question, it was the worst ever. Worst Ever. The typical affair is about fantasy, not the reality of being with a partner who you are comfortable with and where the sex is good. Added - she said lots of oral. He said 3 times? No woman lies about that stuff. We are not exactly proud of it. There is your answer. Learn to love it. Or pretend. They can't tell. It's not so bad. Like I said, I do it now. Edited July 10, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Greentreelady Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Sex that is new exciting dangerous and free from roles and expectations and demands. Kind of like the way divorced or single dating sex is often better than marriage or long relationship sex. New folks will put forth more effort to impress or willing to experiment and take risks. Its not exactly the person or their body - but just the situation - if you will. Thats the thing. I was the adventurous one, always wanting to spice things up. Sex is suppose to feel good and be fun. He was vanilla. Sex was very basic and boring after a time. No matter how i talked about it or asked what he wanted it never changed, and he took me talking about spicing it up as an attack on his performance. Obviously it was all the oral. That was all my xmm wanted from me really, his wife would not do it. My husband met someone who said she loved giving oral and he was immediately smitten. I blame porn where the women are smiling and enjoying it. A woman cannot underestimate how important this is to a man. They will do anything, risk anything to get it. So now I know and I do it. To answer your specific question, it was the worst ever. Worst Ever. The typical affair is about fantasy, not the reality of being with a partner who you are comfortable with and where the sex is good. Added - she said lots of oral. He said 3 times? No woman lies about that stuff. We are not exactly proud of it. There is your answer. Learn to love it. Or pretend. They can't tell. It's not so bad. Like I said, I do it now. I love oral. I enjoy making eyes roll back, knee weak and seeing how loud i can get him. The both said sex was 3 times but conflict on oral. She says lots, he says 2 individually and during sex. I do believe her. He loves it as most men do. Its quick easy and they have to do nothing to get off. Regarless if i enjoy doing it he still was able to get more head while being lazy. I just dont understand why lie about head and sex? Why go back if its bad? We are divorcing, why keep lying? im still hunting for clarity because this is how my brain works. To get over and accept something i need to understand it to the best of my ablity. Thank you all for answering . I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Meh, they always minimize, lie, etc. Some are so good at it that they seem to convince themselves it is the truth. Look around this and every other forum, it's always the same story. Trickle truth, it didn't mean anything, he only touched my knee once at church, etc. You could have a video of him admitting it was the best and he would still deny it. Personally, I think their inner narcissist gets off on controlling the flow of information, gaslighting and manipulating the BS, and invalidating your emotions, but I digress. Is affair sex the best ever? Maybe to a psychopath, but most healthy people don't like leaving trail of bodies in their wake. They don't think it's "hot" to expose their partner to someone else's bacterial flora, stds, etc against their will. I like my sex nice consensual and guilt free. Only damaged people think there's some sexy about risking everything they love over as$. So yes, to some people, it's the best ever. But to some of those same people, so is killing small animals, arson, assault, exploitation, and other fetishes that normal, empathetic people don't understand. Don't worry about whether or not he thought it was the best ever. Be grateful you are the type of person who wouldn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Affair sex. The best sex ever? That's rubbish IMO. When I asked my exH why he still wanted sex with me when he was seeing his AP he said it was because he "had problems" with her. I found that hard to believe. Years later I found out via the grapevine that AP was concerned abut his performance and had discussed it with her girlfriends. Seems like she had no filters when it came to personal stuff Unless someone is "a fly on the wall" no-one will ever get the true picture, so why worry. The fact that my exH cheated was the issue, not whether or not they were swinging from the chandeliers. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 It's not always about the sex and in many cases more about the ego boosts and how they make each other feel. Your husband obviously loved the oral... There's not many men I know who don't TBH. That's what kept him going back. If you can get good oral, then he hasn't got to put any effort in just stand up or lie back and be pleasured. Although I'm not sure what his AP got out of it. Was she just happy to service and not get any herself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Great sex, is great sex. Bad sex, is still good sex. This is a mans view. You ever go to a football match knowing your team "Sucks", damn these puns.. But you know where I'm "Coming" from.. Damn.. You still go, because you enjoy the outing.. You know your team wont win, but hey, you still had fun. Ted. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 The only person who can tell you if affair sex is the best sex ever is the two people actually having the sex. There is no general rule. There are no absolutes. Sex is not always better or worse than with a spouse. It is not always "wild monkey sex." Anyone who tells you that sex is "always" or "never" anything for anyone except themselves is generalizing based on bias and projection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Affair sex can be fun because it's often freeing, uninhibited, adventurous, and exciting. It's definitely possible to have all of that and more at home. It just takes more work to keep things interesting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goldenlotus Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 He's minimizing the act and his enjoyment in the act to spare you pain. He's lying. No person has sex 'because the other person forced me and I had to'. He's not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming it all on the other woman. He's a loser. You are well rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 My burning question: But all the articles i have read state that affair sex is the best. Nothing can compare. So my question is WHY is affair sex always said to be the best sex ever? If its so great why not bump uglies all the time? Was he just unlucky and found a bad lay AP? No, different strokes for different folks. Some say that it's the best, but not because the sex act was better, but because it's wrong, it's dirty, it's taboo and some people get off on the excitement of doing something they know they shouldn't be doing. But, some can't enjoy the sex because the guilt of what they are doing won't allow them to. Women are known to "give it up" to a guy that is absolutely horrible in bed as a means to continue to get the attention and emotional support they feel they're not getting at home but are getting from this guy. So, they allow it to happen to pacify his needs. So, different strokes for different folks...... Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Unless you do something that makes him want to hurt you in the worst possible way by telling you how great the sex was, he will take the truth to his grave. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Sex is sex. Anyone can wind up marrying someone that was not the person they had the best sex with. So you see it does not matter. What matters is that you are enjoying the sex in the relationship that one is currently in. Enjoying is the important word not best. Being that you are divorcing your WH then your attitude should be you don't care about what they did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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