Affair sex. The best sex ever?

[MJJean]

I had multiple affairs in my first marriage. With some APs the sex was great. With others, merely satisfactory. Affair sex is really just like having sex when dating. What makes it good is a combination of attraction and skill which varies from partner to partner.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Affair sex can be fun because it's often freeing, uninhibited, adventurous, and exciting.

 

It's definitely possible to have all of that and more at home. It just takes more work to keep things interesting.

 

I think it often comes down to thrill of being with someone other than your current bf/gf or spouse. It's exciting and even the most routine things can feel more energized. I could not imagine ever having sex as good as my ex and I had. She was amazing. I suspect if I had ever had an affair, it would not measure up to what and how I felt when I was with her.

[misspalmy]

I do think its the best

[onehalfmunky]

I would say it really just depends on the person and their mental reasoning for the EA. My husband finally admitted after 5 years of my not knowing 100% that he did have an EA with a co-worker of his. I'm too optimistic to believe things like that could happen to be so it was a tough cookie to chew, swallow, and digest (which it still is doing today).

He told me in the 5 months of our separation, he had (supposedly protected) sex about 8 times with the OW including 2 or 3 instances of oral. He said he could never finish with her and would go to the bathroom to finish himself. He was very ashamed of what he was doing and said he couldn't stop thinking of me even when he tried his best not to. He said everything was different and it was not a good different.

I hope my chiming in helps. I know my story isn't the "norm," but then again, whose is? ?

[Ahurtgirl]

For me, it really was the best sex ever. However, I had only been with my exhusband who is gay. So I really don't have much to compare it to. My exMM told me the sex with me was much more "intense". He said sex with his wife was still good but when he explained how it was different with me, it was about how intense he felt it was. Not sure what that really means as guys feel different about sex than woman.

 

If you are feeling insecure about the experience your husband had with his lover, you need to up your game. I worked my a $$ off pleasing my exMM, trying to fulfill all his fantasies and honestly, there were many sexual things I did for him that I didn't want to do but I also loved him and did those things because of my love for him. Find out what his fantasies are and even though it might seem degrading to you, if you give him those pleasures, he will be less likely to pursue another affair with a new AP once the dust settles (just because one AP is out of the picture doesn't mean in 10 years, he won't be pursuing another illicit relationship and he will be more careful to not get caught... happens ALL the time). You can never let your guard down once your husband cheats.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[Steve51]

Sex with a new partner is the best sex. An affair means an emotional attachment and that is a different kind of sex than just raw sex for pleasure. As a former poly person, we knew about this and called it new relationship excitement.

 

Sex with someone new is always intense and excitement. You have to explore each other's bodies to find out what works. You do not know what buttons to press on each other like you do with a long time mate. Sex with the same person does tend to become boring and routine. You just know each too well to make it exciting. It can be comforting and pleasurable, but not the same as with a new partner.

 

My best sex has been with one night stands. Real wild and they did things no other women did with me. In fact, they did not even do it with their ex husbands. An affair can have hot sex because the couple is still feeling romantic love and in the courtship phase of their relationship were we want to spend every minute with each other, feel pleasure by just thinking about our new lover and overlook each other's faults. This is all courtesy of chemicals released by our brain urging us to mate so we could fulfill our purpose for living; to pass along our genes. Nothing else is as important as passing on our genes because if we do not do so as a species, humans cease to exist. Our genes makes sure that we are attracted to many people and men are designed to impregnate several women a day if available.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Steve51

[elaine567]

For me, it really was the best sex ever. However, I had only been with my exhusband who is gay. So I really don't have much to compare it to. My exMM told me the sex with me was much more "intense". He said sex with his wife was still good but when he explained how it was different with me, it was about how intense he felt it was. Not sure what that really means as guys feel different about sex than woman.

 

If you are feeling insecure about the experience your husband had with his lover, you need to up your game. I worked my a $$ off pleasing my exMM, trying to fulfill all his fantasies and honestly, there were many sexual things I did for him that I didn't want to do but I also loved him and did those things because of my love for him. Find out what his fantasies are and even though it might seem degrading to you, if you give him those pleasures, he will be less likely to pursue another affair with a new AP once the dust settles (just because one AP is out of the picture doesn't mean in 10 years, he won't be pursuing another illicit relationship and he will be more careful to not get caught... happens ALL the time). You can never let your guard down once your husband cheats.

 

Did you miss the part about the OP being more adventurous than her husband who only ever wanted vanilla, and more importantly perhaps the fact the divorce is finalised.

[Doublegold]

"Did you miss the part about the OP being more adventurous than her husband who only ever wanted vanilla, and more importantly perhaps the fact the divorce is finalised."

 

Jeez Louise simmer down they are divorcing.

 

My 'affair sex' was the best because of the person not the affair. The sex would of been to the moon whenever or however we met, of that I have no doubt. Hands down the best sexual connection of my life.

 

All this talk of wanting oral being the reason men cheat is baffling. I was married 25 plus years and my XH loved being pleasured orally and I loved giving it. Not all wives dislike giving oral. And faking pleasure giving oral is kinda....missing the point, no?

 

Giving Oral was #1 on MM to do list as far as pleasuring me--but that is not my thing. Never really cared for it with any partner. As far as him wanting oral from me--he could take it or leave it. We enjoy marathon sessions that are uninhibited and pleasurable.

[drifter777]

"Did you miss the part about the OP being more adventurous than her husband who only ever wanted vanilla, and more importantly perhaps the fact the divorce is finalised."

 

Jeez Louise simmer down they are divorcing.

 

My 'affair sex' was the best because of the person not the affair. The sex would of been to the moon whenever or however we met, of that I have no doubt. Hands down the best sexual connection of my life.

 

All this talk of wanting oral being the reason men cheat is baffling. I was married 25 plus years and my XH loved being pleasured orally and I loved giving it. Not all wives dislike giving oral. And faking pleasure giving oral is kinda....missing the point, no?

 

Giving Oral was #1 on MM to do list as far as pleasuring me--but that is not my thing. Never really cared for it with any partner. As far as him wanting oral from me--he could take it or leave it. We enjoy marathon sessions that are uninhibited and pleasurable.

 

I think that women are women when it comes to sexual acts that they enjoy. My wife loves to blow me and prefers anal over vag intercourse and I don't think for one second that she is a unicorn - I read similar reports here and on other sex forums.

 

What I do think is that women are more adventurous then men when it comes to sex. When a man is getting regular sex, and it's good for him, he's not going to change a thing. It's up to his woman to suggest - no matter how subtly - that they maybe try something new. The fact is that when a guy cums he's happy. A caring man understands that he needs to take care of his partner's orgasm BEFORE he has his because he's going to feel like a wet dishrag when he's finished. Of course there are exceptions here but after a few years and a few kids and a bunch of bills things get into a rut. We all know this. So, again, if he thinks the sex is good he's not going to add or change a thing.

 

Now, a new man is much more in to pleasing his new piece of ass. It's of paramount importance because he wants this to continue until, well, he doesn't. Also, a WW is often craving his attention and is high on being desired so is willing to give this guy pretty much anything to keep him coming back. She figures that it may not last long or work out in the end but it's not going to be because I held out on the sex.

 

I add all this up and conclude that affair sex is often incredible. I noted a few reasons above and I'm sure there are many more. One thing I reject is when a WW tells her BH that the sex was lousy but she kept the affair going for many months or years. I understand why she says this and I understand why some men accept it as truth, but I don't understand how any BH could truly believe it.

[knabe]

I do think affair sex probably depends on the person and the connection. But I think that is true of all sex for most women. Not all, but most.

 

If I am madly in love with someone, then even if he's not some sex skill guru it will be wonderful. Likewise, I don't care how good he thinks he is, if I know it hates me, he's gonna be bad in bed, at least to me. That is, if I even had sex in that situation.

[bigman1]

Great question with a complex number of answers. Here are mine:

1. New Sex is often good. Good because its new. New feelings (physical), new emotions (emotional; new experiences (new partner). Best ever? No. You were once having new sex with your SO. Compare it to new car smell. All new cars have it until they don't.

 

2. Memories often make it seem better. My dad was the biggest man I knew, until I outgrew him. My middle school was and in my mind still is huge, but when I visited there recently, I was SHOCKED at how small everything was. It actually was the same size, but I was a different person when I was there. I was younger and smaller.

 

3. You are in a sexless marriage. Well, then yes. Its better that what you are not having, but not better than what you had.

 

4. Sex with new people is different. I liken it to food. I have eaten Pho at several different restaurants. Same ingredients, same basics, but different. The stuff I am used to became my favorite because I am used to it. Its not better because other folks who have eaten it prefer the other pho place. It is a matter of preference. Some days, I prefer the other too.

 

5.Those are my thoughts.

[wmacbride]

For me, it really was the best sex ever. However, I had only been with my exhusband who is gay. So I really don't have much to compare it to. My exMM told me the sex with me was much more "intense". He said sex with his wife was still good but when he explained how it was different with me, it was about how intense he felt it was. Not sure what that really means as guys feel different about sex than woman.

 

If you are feeling insecure about the experience your husband had with his lover, you need to up your game. I worked my a $$ off pleasing my exMM, trying to fulfill all his fantasies and honestly, there were many sexual things I did for him that I didn't want to do but I also loved him and did those things because of my love for him. Find out what his fantasies are and even though it might seem degrading to you, if you give him those pleasures, he will be less likely to pursue another affair with a new AP once the dust settles (just because one AP is out of the picture doesn't mean in 10 years, he won't be pursuing another illicit relationship and he will be more careful to not get caught... happens ALL the time). You can never let your guard down once your husband cheats.

 

 

No offence to the writer, but I don't agree with this advice at all. All it does is reward him for cheating, and teach him that if he cheats, there are no real consequences and in fact, he will be rewarded with oral sex. You will likley end up feeling very, very used, as he won't change his behavior at all. After all, why should he?

 

Also, why would someone you love expect, or even ask, you to do things you don't want to do? How could he possibly enjoy sex knowing that?

Edited July 11, 2017 by wmacbride

[central]

I dunno, never had an affair, if you go by the usual definition that it's cheating, clandestine, etc. We've had lots of open, honest, consensual "affairs."

 

We've both had a lot of other partners, though, before and after we married. All consensual, in the open. Most were fun because because they were new, but most - if repeated encounters - were actually not very good at sex. Few people are skilled at sex (although most think they're good), and have the personality traits to be consistently fun. Even those who were good, were never as good as we are together with each other (although some were really good!), because they didn't have the time and frequency to learn what really works on a consistent basis.

 

A couple of long-term FWB were very good, but not nearly "the best ever."

[l8estnews]

Sorry, I was trying to follow your story but I can't see if you have divorced your husband or not. Are you still together or still not sure what to do?

[road]

I do think its the best

 

Do think is not the same as knowing.

 

So were you a WS/OW?

[Greentreelady]

I am the BS and im divorcing. It a question that wont stop rattling in my head so im reaching out to look for other thoughts and maybe gain a new prospective that will help me understand

[cocorico]

New Sex is often good. Good because its new. New feelings (physical), new emotions (emotional; new experiences (new partner).

 

I don't agree with this at all. New sex is often awkward, fumbling, self-conscious, IME. Too many guys just don't know their way around a real woman's body, and don't stop to take notice of what they're being told / shown is working (or not). IME it takes time to "train" a lover to your particular likes / needs / preferences, and takes time to learn what a Lover likes best, in return.

 

That said, my H and I did just "click", but that's highly unusual IME and probably the product of an extensive period of upfront negotiation- so we probably both knew what to expect.

[l8estnews]

I am the BS and im divorcing. It a question that wont stop rattling in my head so im reaching out to look for other thoughts and maybe gain a new prospective that will help me understand

 

As wrong as it sounds, I am happy that you are divorcing this guy. Once everything is settled (and no kids), please do complete no contact so you could start healing and make a fresh start.

 

With this aside, one sad truth in Infidelity is that there are no solid reason for it. You can think, analyze and do things to understand it but nothing will ever satisfy you. It's like asking the questions "why kids die?" or "Why is life so unfair?"

 

The only answer is: "Such is life."

 

So, I hope you could rest the "whys" and start pushing this out of your system. He cheated, you are now divorcing. Don't dwell on it anymore.

[road]

I am the BS and im divorcing. It a question that wont stop rattling in my head so im reaching out to look for other thoughts and maybe gain a new prospective that will help me understand

 

I was asking miss palmy.

 

Though being you are getting divorced it should not matter to

you how good the sex was. For once that bridge (affair happened)

was crossed you were not going back.

 

From my view of posts on infidelity for decades I will say this.

 

Many a WS said the sex was bad, same, better.

 

Many a WW has said that the sex was not worth it but the OM met

emotional needs she wanted. So the WW would put out to keep the

OM meeting her EN's.

 

Many a WW said that having sex is enjoyable so she enjoyed sex with

her OM. Not because it was better.

 

Many a WW said that the sex was good not better but different.

 

This last statement to me screams damage control by the WW.

She avoids lying that the sex was bad.

She appears to be honest admitting that she enjoyed the sex.

While the WW avoids having to admit how great the sex was with

the OM.

 

In my opinion when a WW downplays how good the sex was with the

OM or minimizes the size of the OM's equipment to me is always the

WW doing damage control after D day. Specially when the OM

drops here like she was a hot potato and her BH is needed as her

plan B back up.

[Superchicken]

I am the BS and im divorcing. It a question that wont stop rattling in my head so im reaching out to look for other thoughts and maybe gain a new prospective that will help me understand

Hi Greeny..

Look, most often, its because "Attention" was given to the WS.

Whether they weren't getting enough at home, or they just feel they needed more. Its one of the most common reasons they stray.

 

 

If a partner has all the love and attention they need, from their spouse, they don't tend to look for it, and don't tend to respond to flirting proposals from others.

Lets face it, if you weren't getting the attention (Like being told your beautiful, being told I love you, spend time together, etc..), and then someone comes along and gives these things what would you do ?..

Well, in my of view, it would make me feel desired again, and be looked on as a person that is "STILL" worthy of being desired by someone else.

Not just taken for granted, which lets face it, ALL of us in relationships do from time to time to our partners.

 

 

Its just bad timing that it occurred at the worst possible time, or too late and that some damage was already done.

You need to sit your partner down and make the speech when you feel your not getting the attention (Or what ever is missing) you think you need.

You don't act on those feelings, unless your too far gone. In which time, you then separate BEFORE allowing yourself to reciprocate those feelings.

 

 

Of course there are others that just love the extra sex from cheating, and these are the sleazy ones. They then fool the WS into a false sense of attention/love.

Then you read about them on this forum after being bumped, and listen to their sad trail of carnage that is their life up to then..

 

 

I hope this at least, alleviates some issues as to why some cheating occurs for you.

 

 

Last word, its ALWAYS the fault of the cheater, and NOT the BS.

Because, they have/had an opportunity to fix/discuss it before embarking on the wagon.

Those that do, are lucky people. Those that don't.. well..

 

 

So, its not your fault, where you are at the moment.

I hope you get over your partner real fast. Its a bad feeling indeed to endure a loss..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Superchicken

[road]

I am the BS and im divorcing. It a question that wont stop rattling in my head so im reaching out to look for other thoughts and maybe gain a new prospective that will help me understand

 

Greentreelady, how could I forget this:

 

Must add that the BW and BH find being cheated on very painful.

However it hurts the BW more that her WH loved the OW more

then he had sex with her.

 

For the BH it does not bother him that his WW loved her OM. Heck,

the BH would be so happy that he could dance that his WW only

had an EA. For to her that his WW had a PA is much more painful.

 

So it appears that you do not react the way most BW do.

[wmacbride]

Greentreelady, how could I forget this:

 

Must add that the BW and BH find being cheated on very painful.

However it hurts the BW more that her WH loved the OW more

then he had sex with her.

 

For the BH it does not bother him that his WW loved her OM. Heck,

the BH would be so happy that he could dance that his WW only

had an EA. For to her that his WW had a PA is much more painful.

 

So it appears that you do not react the way most BW do.

 

I have an answer to this one.

 

You are speaking in generalities.

 

Most women are equally hurt by the sex and an emotional attachment, and the same is true for men.

[Southern Sun]

I don't agree with this at all. New sex is often awkward, fumbling, self-conscious, IME. Too many guys just don't know their way around a real woman's body, and don't stop to take notice of what they're being told / shown is working (or not). IME it takes time to "train" a lover to your particular likes / needs / preferences, and takes time to learn what a Lover likes best, in return.

 

That said, my H and I did just "click", but that's highly unusual IME and probably the product of an extensive period of upfront negotiation- so we probably both knew what to expect.

 

This is true. Those that are saying ONSs are "the best sex", I don't get it. I guess it depends on your definition of good sex.

 

Sure, the initial excitement lends something special to sex with a new person, but if it's truly going to be great, it typically isn't immediate. It takes a getting-to-know-you period.

[BluesPower]

I have an answer to this one.

 

You are speaking in generalities.

 

Most women are equally hurt by the sex and an emotional attachment, and the same is true for men.

 

First words out of most BW's mouth is, "Do you love her?"

 

First words out of most BH's mouth is, "Did you **** him?"

 

Totally different points of view for most BH's and BW's.

 

Mainly because the WH did not love the OW/MW. Almost exclusively the WW is in love and sleeps with the OM. That is what hurts the BH. The physical betrayal.

[elaine567]

I was asking miss palmy.

 

Though being you are getting divorced it should not matter to

you how good the sex was. For once that bridge (affair happened)

was crossed you were not going back.

 

From my view of posts on infidelity for decades I will say this.

 

Many a WS said the sex was bad, same, better.

 

Many a WW has said that the sex was not worth it but the OM met

emotional needs she wanted. So the WW would put out to keep the

OM meeting her EN's.

 

Many a WW said that having sex is enjoyable so she enjoyed sex with

her OM. Not because it was better.

 

Many a WW said that the sex was good not better but different.

 

This last statement to me screams damage control by the WW.

She avoids lying that the sex was bad.

She appears to be honest admitting that she enjoyed the sex.

While the WW avoids having to admit how great the sex was with

the OM.

 

In my opinion when a WW downplays how good the sex was with the

OM or minimizes the size of the OM's equipment to me is always the

WW doing damage control after D day. Specially when the OM

drops here like she was a hot potato and her BH is needed as her

plan B back up.

 

Ok, but the OP is a BW, so is not gong to be interested in what a WW says about the sex, she is interested in what her WH thought about the sex with his OW.