lavenderblue Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am really interested in knowing how the majority of affairs eventually end... How many ended because the BS found out? How many ended because the OW/OM ended it? How many ended because the MM/MW ended it? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) XMM's BW got seriously ill. He needed to take care of her, while at the same time he wanted to keep the A going. Which is understandable after so many years. We did have an actual R on the side. It never bothered me that i was the OW and nothing more. I got everything out of it that i wanted and needed. However, I'm not used to adjusting my schedule to somebody else's. And the status quo, as it currently is, would require that, due to her health issues and treatment plan. I love him, but not enough to play 2nd fiddle like that. Not even after 4+ yrs. I was used to him always adjusting his schedule to mine, not the other way around. So I broke it off. I understand that she needs him more right now. But he can't change the rules of our A. I'm not on board with this and he knew. Oh - and she never found out. I'm pretty sure about that. Edited July 9, 2017 by Minnie09 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am really interested in knowing how the majority of affairs eventually end... How many ended because the BS found out? How many ended because the OW/OM ended it? How many ended because the MM/MW ended it? None of the above. Our A ended when he dumped the BW. It ceased to be an A, and was just a R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Commenting as a BS, I am really interested in knowing how the majority of affairs eventually end... How many ended because the BS found out? How many ended because the OW/OM ended it? How many ended because the MM/MW ended it? None of the above. He got the divorce papers a week after DD. Dragged his feet but finally moved out in about a month. I got the divorce about 5 months later. All this time it was on/off with him and his AP (she had a boyfriend) until she got pregnant and they got married about 4 years later. I'm not sure when the "affair" actually became a "relationship", maybe after we divorced but by that time none of it was my concern. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Commenting as a BS, None of the above. He got the divorce papers a week after DD. Dragged his feet but finally moved out in about a month. I got the divorce about 5 months later. All this time it was on/off with him and his AP (she had a boyfriend) until she got pregnant and they got married about 4 years later. I'm not sure when the "affair" actually became a "relationship", maybe after we divorced but by that time none of it was my concern. Congratulations on the speediness of getting him out of your life. I had the misfortune of having to see my Ex and my best friend she cheated with me on at my sentencing hearing. It has been almost 30 years now and I haven't laid eyes on either of them since. All the fake tears and testimony about how I ruined their lives and how Evil I was didn't have the desired affect on me that they hoped it would. I was pretty unapologetic at the time. Looking back on it I would never advise a betrayed person to take the Law into their own hands like I did and I deserved everything I got. But had I not done it I would not have emerged the better person than I once was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Spaceritual, It seems that betrayal was a steep learning curve for both of us, but we emerged as better people for the experience Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Epiphany + dday... double lock system Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 freengreen, Sorry but I don't understand this; Epiphany + dday... double lock system Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Got busted by the BW (who had moved out into a separation a couple months ago but showed up unexpectedly, surprise!). It was a Jerry Springer level shltshow. Made us all really confront the situation, obviously, and both marriages ended and former AP and I are now in a legitimate relationship. Just as good and normal as I had hoped it would be ❤️ Very hard to get to this happiness through devastating two other people though - especially my ex, who was not abusive or a cheater like his BW was. My ex knows how deeply sorry and remorseful I am, and has said he has forgiven me and is moving on with a relationship of his own, so that's about the best case scenario for such a shltty situation. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 freengreen, Sorry but I don't understand this; hehe, I had an epiphany over the whole week and at the end of the week my H found out that there was someone else that I was emotionally engaging with... so the affair door was closed by both reasons at the same time... Aries, you are a sharp women, I cant imagine what a BS goes through with a secret movie going behind their back... u found your way out, nicely done *claps* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anassa Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Commenting as an initially inadvertent OW who later became a knowing OW for a little while, I ended it. Thank God I gathered enough strength to leave before the wife found out. I don't want the drama or guilty conscience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Spaceritual, It seems that betrayal was a steep learning curve for both of us, but we emerged as better people for the experience Yes I most certainly did. It took me a long time to understand that my actions, although something that most betrayeds would dream of as far as revenge, was the one act that made me no better than the 2 closest people in my life who betrayed me. That was the most awful discovery of all and at the same time the best discovery of my life. I never wanted to be such a monster again. I would not wish infidelity on my worst enemy based solely on how I reacted upon discovery and changed 3 lives. Knowing what I know now, sure I wish sometimes that I wold have just walked away from the situation instead of going ape but had i not had the experience of paying in spades for my actions I would have never ever changed my own behavior in life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Congratulations on the speediness of getting him out of your life. I had the misfortune of having to see my Ex and my best friend she cheated with me on at my sentencing hearing. It has been almost 30 years now and I haven't laid eyes on either of them since. All the fake tears and testimony about how I ruined their lives and how Evil I was didn't have the desired affect on me that they hoped it would. I was pretty unapologetic at the time. Looking back on it I would never advise a betrayed person to take the Law into their own hands like I did and I deserved everything I got. But had I not done it I would not have emerged the better person than I once was. Now I'm curious. What happened? Did you find them together and get violent? I was on the receiving end of that kind of thing and can 100% understand how it happens, of course. Deservedly so. I would never have dreamed of charging the aggressor in my case with a crime. But then again, it didn't go super far... Link to post Share on other sites
TheBathWater Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) I am really interested in knowing how the majority of affairs eventually end... How many ended because the BS found out? How many ended because the OW/OM ended it? How many ended because the MM/MW ended it? I'm not sure that my relationship with the engaged woman is entirely over. We have been in no contact and on break for three weeks now. Our affair originally ended when she confessed to her fiancé that she had been seeing me. Her plan was to see what needed fixing in their relationship, if it could be worked on, and then get back to me down the road if things weren't meant to be between them. That plan was short lived. We got back together a couple of weeks later. But after only a week, the guilt had consumed her too much once again and she confessed to him for a second time. Then she went no contact with both me and him for a one month period minimum (which we are still in right now). Her plan is to work on herself in therapy as much as possible and then get back to the both of us on what she wants to do. I remember her saying that her gut was telling her she was just going to want to be alone for a while and possibly relocate to be with family. I should be hearing back from her within a week or so. I'm not hopeful she is going to want to be with me right now. One thing that is unique about our affair was that it actually started out in the context of an open relationship a year ago. Her fiancé knew about me and was cool with it. Then we mutually ended it because we both decided non-monogamy wasn't for us. That only kept us apart for a handful of months and so when we got back together it was an affair. I think her fiancé might have actually been okay with us all trying an open relationship model again, but both she and I don't want that. We want monogamy, whether that's with each other or with others. Tricky stuff... Edited July 9, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) I am really interested in knowing how the majority of affairs eventually end... How many ended because the BS found out? How many ended because the OW/OM ended it? How many ended because the MM/MW ended it? It finally ended because my H contacted xmm and said that if he didn't tell his wife, he was going to tell her. So xmm told her a bunch of lies, which I know as she called my husband. It was all put on me, crazy, stalker, etc. etc. My husband tried to tell her the truth but she believed xmm. xmm immediately broke off all contact and moved on quickly to another woman, which I got to watch live. Pain does not begin to explain my feelings. Every few weeks he would tell me he loved me, just to keep the hook in but nothing ever happened again. He did come back at month 5, which seems to be the point they all resurface, to test the waters. He had started sleeping with her again and going to marriage counseling to give her false security while he tried to find a new affair, or resurface ours (not). He was not too bright though and had a extreme case of over confidence as he wrote this all to me in messages, about how stupid she was, unattractive, fat. She would later break into his phone, read all these messages plus God knows what else, say he was torturing me and pull him out of our mutual group. He's heavily monitored by her with tracking systems on his phone, car, computer, etc so he is gone. She saved me. Ironic, no? It was an extremely painful experience for me but the lesson I learned was to really listen to what people tell you, about who they really are. They give clues, clues we often overlook, write-off. He told me in the beginning that all he wanted was her attention; he was so jealous of their daughter. He put his wife down all the time, took calls from her in front of me and was rude and callous. And I knew that one day I'd be on the receiving end of that. But I ignored my instincts. I have a lot of posts about how he was this sociopathic monster. Was he? Or was he just a sad, little man craving his wife's attention and jealous of his own daughter using anyone in his path to obtain his goal? But was I different? Maybe I was the sociopath as I thought I could control the situation, had the power. I picked someone who was obviously pathetic, short, overweight, ED, unattractive and where I felt I was the stronger one. We each had our agendas. Was I upset because I loved this guy or was I upset because I "lost" and he was so devoid of feelings for me, making me feel stupid? Is it all just ego with these things? How can you really love someone who is married and cheating on their spouse with you, giving you breadcrumbs? Is it love or is it just a conquest? So that's how it ended. Not a straight line but a jagged arrow pointing me towards a new place. Edited July 10, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 We had one of those relationships that you see with 2 persons dating who break up and make up one too many time. A D-day happened, but it resumed. I recently read many articles, as well as reading posts here. This made me rethink and I decided to block every possible way for contact and cut him off from my life. I did not understand a major very expensive purchase that was a copy of mine and he never explained it. I believe he is an emotionally avoidant man, even though we had a long stretch of becoming close, but then he shuts down. My last words via email are pretty darn funny thinking back at it now and it was: "I am not the whore to your sick Madonna/Mother complex; I am the 'Mona Lisa.' in my relationships.' I read one too many articles on emotionally avoidant men and I did not like the content. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Now I'm curious. What happened? Did you find them together and get violent? Uh yes, I caught them in my bed shortly before what was supposed to be my wedding. My fiance and my best friend in my house in my bed. Not real proud of the outcome. It cost me a lot more than a broken heart.I should have turned around and walked away. But at 23 years old I didn't have a lot of effective coping skills that I now do at 53. Suffice it to say I rarely post in this sub forum as it can be triggery for me, however I admit that I do read the threads here because there are things psychologically that interest me from the other side of infidelity. Sometimes it is "what the hell are you thinking". and some days I think I can empathize with an OM /OW in some sense. I never had a chance to ask the question "Why?" And I guess 30 years later I do come here since infidelity and how I dealt with it totally changed my life initially for the worse, but eventually for the better, to remind myself that cheaters, although flawed, are still human and capable of doing good things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 SpaceRitual, I can feel your pain and anger. I am sorry that you had that experience. When I found out on DD that my then husband had been ****ing his AP in our bed I lost it and punched him in the mouth (more than once). It wasn't my finest moment and it didn't sort the situation out, but sure as hell it made me feel a lot better. He never fought back, just sat on the floor where I'd knocked him down and cried. He never pressed charges, probably because he didn't want the scandal. I never want to be that angry again as I scared myself. If I had been a bigger, stronger person I could have seriously hurt him. After that, I learned to walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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