Infidelity and the effect on children

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

This is a question for anyone with insight on the affect of the perceived or actual infidelity of a father.

 

If a wife believes her H is cheating or is actually a BW, and she tells the underage children their father is a cheater and has destroyed the family, can the children's relationship with the children ever be repaired or is it so damaging that it is wounded or broken forever? Thanks

[somanymistakes]

Kids are complicated. It depends on their ages and how they feel about both parents, who they trust, which parent actually moves out, etc.

 

Counter-intuitively sometimes kids will blame and resent the parent who stays for driving the other one away, even if it's the one who left that was the cheater and they know that, they may still feel that Mom didn't try hard enough to keep the family together.

 

Or they may blame the cheater for 'making mommy cry' and hate them forever.

 

Or they may just be confused and try to tune the whole thing out.

 

There's no general answer.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks. In this case the children are 16 and 14. The Mother told them that their father was cheating (seems possible but it's based on the fact he played golf with a woman). The children won't talk to him and it's like the 3'of them have all gone on the silent treatment. Is there a way for him to try to reconcile the relationship with the children?

 

Side note: the round of golf was arranged over text which is all shared by the family in iCloud and could be read by anyone so not in secret and not being hidden. They were at the golf club that day. He admitted the possible OW is attractive but denies an affair.

 

True or not I fear it's damaged his relationship with his children and it's irreparable. Hoping I am wrong.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I had an affair and two years later my husband had a revenge affair. Our children were small and we never told them and they never knew. this was 34 years ago....they are absolutley fine. our son has been married 13 years...our daughter married and divorced...and remarried and has been married 11 years.

 

I am a person who beleives that if you are reconciling...the fewer people who know aboput the infidelity...the better. The more people you tell....the more people project their judgments...and the last thing you need when reconciling is the opinions of people who have no input into your relationship.

 

We told my parents...and my parents advised and supported our decision to reconcile.

 

To this day...we have no regrets about our disclosure.

 

I question the need for disclosing to those who are not directly involved...including children....especially those who choose to reconcile.

 

Divorce...however is a totally different scenario

Edited July 10, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[basil67]

His wife was completely out of line. Kids should not be involved in the issues of adults.

 

I assume the wife is filing for divorce at this point?

[MuddyFootprints]

I was a cheating mother who reconciled. Our kids knew, the youngest was 14. They are all smart, inquisitive kids, with a particular knack in PI.

 

It took time, but our relationship with them is stronger than ever. My infidelity is not a taboo subject with any of us. They are quite comfortable discussing most relationship issues with us.

[Jersey born raised]

To many unknowns to provide an answer. To start, what was his relationahip like with the children before the golf game? Second, what is his wife like?

[somanymistakes]

It's understandable that they're upset at the moment. Whether it's irrreparable depends on too many other things and no matter how many questions you answer we still can't say yes or no, it depends on what their relationship with him is like, it depends on their personalities, etc.

 

Anyway if it's only just happened that they've been told this they're probably going to be pissed and block contact for a while, they are old enough to understand what cheating is and be grossed out and upset by the idea. But I doubt it's BEYOND REPAIR based on this one incident unless their overall relationship with their father is bad.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

His wife was completely out of line. Kids should not be involved in the issues of adults.

 

I assume the wife is filing for divorce at this point?

 

 

She has said she will give him a divorce in 4 years when the children are at university but that he is to sleep in the spare bedroom but act to others as if they are a family.

[jenkins95]

Hi Belle

 

From what's been written, she seems to have behaved in a very damaging way to her family and turned them against her H without any real proof that he has been cheating.

 

I mean, a game of golf - arranged by text on a non-hidden account? Seems to be jumping to conclusions a bit. Now, if it was a three-day mud wrestling contest arranged on a secret burner account, fair enough, but a single round of golf? Was it that he went to his golf club as normal, and she assumed that he would be playing with a male partner - but was shocked and angry to find out that it was actually a woman he was playing with? She would be very justified to be angry at this, but to immediately tell the children he is a cheat is surely not the best way forward? There could be a less sinister explanation than an affair - for example, if it was a competition arranged by his club, perhaps the club arranged the pairing?

 

Surely she should have completely straightened this out and asked her H all the necessary questions, done all the investigations, etc before even considering telling her kids all this? And now they are not talking to him? The sad thing about this is that there is now going to be damage to this family whether he cheated or not. If he cheated, of course it's all on him, but if there is a perfectly reasonable explanation to all this, then SHE has surely caused damage that will take a lot of effort to resolve?

 

I hope it all works out OK anyway. Please keep us informed.

Edited July 10, 2017 by jenkins95

[cocorico]

The real question is why would anyone want to be married to such a woman? In his place, I'd D her with immediate effect, suing for full custody on the basis of her attempts at parental alienation.

 

I hope he's organised counselling for the kids.

[knabe]

So if I am understanding this right, they texted to arrange a golf game, the texts could all be read by family, and the wife has declared this cheating? Either there is a whole chunk of story missing or this wife is a lunatic.

[anika99]

So if I am understanding this right, they texted to arrange a golf game, the texts could all be read by family, and the wife has declared this cheating? Either there is a whole chunk of story missing or this wife is a lunatic.

 

Yeah, I'm thinking there's a whole bunch more to this story that we are missing, perhaps because the OP doesn't know the whole story. That tends to happen when we get nosy about other people's lives. We think we know everything but barely know anything.

 

If this wife is so unstable that she lost her mind over an innocent text to the point that she turned the children against their father, how is that she never turned the kids against their father before this event? They're teenagers and if their mom is that loony she would have damaged their relationship with their father long ago. There is waaaay more to this story. Perhaps a history of infidelity on the dad's part, perhaps way more evidence of an affair than the OP knows about.

 

It's impossible to answer the original question but it's impossible to know the dynamics and personalities of this family. I don't know if the kids have been unduly traumatized by a falsehood told by their mother or if perhaps they overheard things said in a heated argument. I don't know which parent they are closest to or if they had a healthy relationship with their father before this event. I don't know if their father has been a good father and husband or a lousy father and husband. I will say the whole story of 'his wife won't allow him to divorce for 4 years and in the meantime she keeping him chained up in the family home and controlling his life' sounds like typical cheating married man cake eater talk.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

So if I am understanding this right, they texted to arrange a golf game, the texts could all be read by family, and the wife has declared this cheating? Either there is a whole chunk of story missing or this wife is a lunatic.

 

Sadly there is nothing missing. That's the whole think. Incidentally it wasn't a golf twosome it was a foursome playing together.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Yeah, I'm thinking there's a whole bunch more to this story that we are missing, perhaps because the OP doesn't know the whole story. That tends to happen when we get nosy about other people's lives. We think we know everything but barely know anything.

 

If this wife is so unstable that she lost her mind over an innocent text to the point that she turned the children against their father, how is that she never turned the kids against their father before this event? They're teenagers and if their mom is that loony she would have damaged their relationship with their father long ago. There is waaaay more to this story. Perhaps a history of infidelity on the dad's part, perhaps way more evidence of an affair than the OP knows about.

 

It's impossible to answer the original question but it's impossible to know the dynamics and personalities of this family. I don't know if the kids have been unduly traumatized by a falsehood told by their mother or if perhaps they overheard things said in a heated argument. I don't know which parent they are closest to or if they had a healthy relationship with their father before this event. I don't know if their father has been a good father and husband or a lousy father and husband. I will say the whole story of 'his wife won't allow him to divorce for 4 years and in the meantime she keeping him chained up in the family home and controlling his life' sounds like typical cheating married man cake eater talk.

 

Hi Annika

 

There's no history of cheating. The wife (not defending that she is bonkers) had a sexual assault when she was a teen and despite having years of therapy has a few quite impactful challenges. She also has alienated all of her H friends and his entire family except his sister who is my friend. The wife is also a life long sufferer of anorexia so those are potential causes of making such a huge accusation with no proof.

 

Really concerned for kids.

[knabe]

Sadly there is nothing missing. That's the whole think. Incidentally it wasn't a golf twosome it was a foursome playing together.

 

In that case the wife needs help.

[anika99]

Hi Annika

 

There's no history of cheating. The wife (not defending that she is bonkers) had a sexual assault when she was a teen and despite having years of therapy has a few quite impactful challenges. She also has alienated all of her H friends and his entire family except his sister who is my friend. The wife is also a life long sufferer of anorexia so those are potential causes of making such a huge accusation with no proof.

 

Really concerned for kids.

 

So there is a lot more to the story and you have provided a just a small snippet of the whole story above. If mom has a history of being unstable and mentally unwell then why are people just now becoming concerned for the kids? When they are teenagers soon to leave home?

 

I'm sure at their age they are well aware of their mother's instability and this incident won't damage their relationship with their father provided that they had a good relationship with him before this happened. I have a very hard time believing that they completely turned on him over this one unprovable accusation, given that their mother is mentally ill. If they have turned against their father then there is still more to this story.

 

As this happened to your friend's brother and you have said that she has been alienated from her brother then there is no way for you or she to know the whole truth of the story. You don't know what goes on in that family behind closed doors. If mom is as unstable as you say it's seems like people should have gotten concerned for the kids a long time ago. In any case counseling would be a good idea, for everyone in the family.