So much for a romantic vacation....

[Runnerup]

Married 13 years. Never had a honeymoon. Only one week long vacation in the whole time and that was with family. Only a handful of weekend getaways that were mostly primitive camping (lots of work for me). Always with the kids.

 

I thought he was looking forward to a MUCH needed vacation. Just the two of us. We have been talking about needing one for years. We finally booked a cruise this past weekend.

 

Then he had the gall to ask me if he could ask his parents to join us. They are both retired and go on several vacations a year. I was looking forward to a romantic one just the two of us....The honeymoon we never had.....

 

I feel rejected. It makes me feel like I am not enough for him. When I got angry and told him this, he said I was talking crazy. Why would he want his parents to join us when we have been talking about needing a vacation "just us" for so long?

[dichotomy]

When the sex/passion first started declining. I ramped up the romatic get aways - and later with family vacations I made special arrangements for seperate cabins or rooms for the kids. Never made my wife feel romantic, but she liked going new places of course.

 

I stopped paying a few years ago - now she mostly plans and mostly pays for our vacations (I cover a little). No sex/romance for these either - but at least she is footing the bill and I feel more relaxed and good with that.

 

To put a fine point on it - your husband is not interested in romantic alone time with you. It does not mean he does not care, or love you, or enjoy it - just that romance and special time alone is not on his mind. You could always say "if you want to invite your parents you can cover all the costs"

Edited July 10, 2017 by dichotomy

[Simple Logic]

Married 13 years. Never had a honeymoon. Only one week long vacation in the whole time and that was with family. Only a handful of weekend getaways that were mostly primitive camping (lots of work for me). Always with the kids.

 

I thought he was looking forward to a MUCH needed vacation. Just the two of us. We have been talking about needing one for years. We finally booked a cruise this past weekend.

 

Then he had the gall to ask me if he could ask his parents to join us. They are both retired and go on several vacations a year. I was looking forward to a romantic one just the two of us....The honeymoon we never had.....

 

I feel rejected. It makes me feel like I am not enough for him. When I got angry and told him this, he said I was talking crazy. Why would he want his parents to join us when we have been talking about needing a vacation "just us" for so long?

 

Call his parents and tell them you want a romantic vacation with your idiot husband and they are not invited. Unless they are as stupid as your husband, they will understand your opinion.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Simple Logic

[jenkins95]

Hey (((Runnerup)))

 

I'm sorry to hear about this disappointment. He and you are clearly on a different page on this issue, but hopefully some long heartfelt conversation will get you on the same page again.

 

No specific advice, but just wanted to say that this kind of issue has been a major thing in my marriage. Early on, we got into the habit of taking my W's parents on holiday with us because they are quite elderly and not very "worldly wise" and wouldn't really know how to go about arranging holidays for themselves. It is lovely to be able to help and support them like this, but very quickly it became an expectation that we would take them every time we went away. My own family then realised what was going on and made it clear that they too would appreciate the chance to go on holiday with us, hence we started to alternate holidays between the two families - or occasionally take the whole lot!

 

Whilst it's wonderful to have close families, this put a strain on my W and I unquestionably. The extra responsibility of looking after older parents as well as younger children make the holiday not much of a "holiday" at all - and with very different needs, it is a lot of hard work and planning to keep everyone happy. And as for the chance for a bit of romance - well, we could pretty much forget that and wait until we got back home again! My wife and I have also been a bit childish in some of the arguments we've had about this. If one of us complains, the other would counter with "well, we did the same with YOUR family".

 

Since we have been reassessing our marriage, we have talked a lot about this - not just holidays but high family expectations in general. This summer for the first time, we are taking our kids to a family orientated seaside resort and no parents will be invited. We are already anticipating the hurt looks and comments "Oh, you're going on YOUR OWN?" but we simply have to do it - for us. Surely any supportive parents/grandparents would understand this. If necessary we will have to spell it out to them.

 

As I said, it can be lovely to take wider family away with you - occasionally. Our trouble is we set up a pattern of taking one or the other every time and are finding it difficult to break the cycle.

 

I know this isn't the same situation as yours Runnerup, but just wanted to add my experiences to the thread. Ultimately, I think you should do what my wife and I have done and simply talk about it together. Let him know you wanted some romantic time, just the two of you and that's why you got upset - not that you have anything against his parents per se. He really should understand this and indeed, be flattered and happy that you still value him like this and want to be romantic with him.

 

It is a well-known fact that a high level of expectations and dependency from wider family is a high risk factor in putting strain on marriages, and this has definitely been the case in my marriage. If I had a pound for every time I've had a nice lazy Saturday morning with my family interrupted by my in-laws "We were just passing!", then I'd be a very rich man now! I love them, but they have definitely (and quite without realising it of course) stifled my marriage.

 

Good luck and keep us informed! x