Jealous of GF's interactions with Ex-BF?FWB? as of late. Justified?

July 10, 2017

So, sitting at work..antsy and anxious cause I feel "jealous/angry" but can't decide if its justified or just me being insecure..

Let me explain..

So my GF of 2 years, lets call her S, has in the past mentioned J...saying how nice a guy he is and such. I never pried for backstory she would just mention him casually while we talked. Perhaps once every few months.

Heres what I know via internet sleuthing/my girlfriends stories/a "friend" giving me some knowledge him..

J is married. Military. Currently lives thousand of miles away but is from the area we live. From what I see via social media looks to be very into his wife.

His history with my GF is..6-7 years ago both had just left LTR's and met and decided to hang-out. He had just joined the military and in the time before his departure for boot-camp him and my GF partied a bunch. Both newly single the bar hopped and hung out a bunch. While my GF has never said he was a BF or they had any type of 'relationship' I have it on good authority that they were intimate with one another.

So now that we have their history out and what I knew before things have started to 'happen' that have made me 'uncomfortable'

It all starts about 6 months ago..

So me, my GF, and her co-worker are out at dinner..things are going great. But, it seems J is home on leave unbeknownst to my GF and is back at home. So, while we are eating he comes in the restaurant with his family in tow. They notice each other, my GF and S, and he comes over to our table and says hello.

The exchange seemed normal, a hello to us and a hello from me and the co-worker joining us..but then my GF blurts out..

"This is J, hes like, the best guy I know!"

Follwed by an awkward pause, then he eyes dart to me with a awkward smile and says..

"I mean, uh, I mean besides you of course"

...it was cringe worthly and awkward..to me at least..

So what happens next is I guess J is deployed to the middle east sometime in the next month or 2.

This is when me seeing her social media notifications start to go off increasingly.

"Recived FB message from J"

"J has sent you a snap"

Etc..

I see also that Snaps...of my dogs..she sends me..she is also sending to him. Seems hes a dog enthusiast and she has almost co-opted my dogs as a way to "connect" with him. Mind you, I like the free dog walking/attention she is finally giving them but I feel kinda like my dogs are being used as tools of some sort. Mind you, that last part may just me spinning it in my head lol.

Once, around 2 months ago, we are out on a date night and I leave to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I receive a Snap photo from her just as I'm entering. She has sent me a funny photo of a statue above the bar she saw. When I get out of the bathroom I see her across the bar on her phone. I take the long way around the bar and come up behind her and as I do and look over her shoulder I see she has sent it to him also and is currently chatting with him via Snap. I dont see what is said mlbut clearly see a long chat log that must extend beyond tonight and/or more. She hastly puts her phone down and I just casuslly go on with the night.

Aside from that he is now almost a main stay in being added to our convos in some way or form also.

One night during a convo about something she tells me how her family wanted her to date J back when they used to hang-out cause they loved him and knew his family and thought they were great people.

While telling me about the new Snapchat map feature she told me how she was just telling J about it and how cool it was.

Other little antidotes about him, times they hung out etc..

Basically talk about him over the last 3 to 4 months has been more prevalent then ever.

Shes even said subtle things (I may be looking far to much into) along the lines of..

My dog recently being scared of fireworks she says "Shes definitely not a combat dog!" Which leads me to equate she got this from him since he is military and a dog lover.

Her talking about the state he currently resides in and wanting to move their one day. Her talking about the state compared to our own (like the roads, open space, city planning etc..) like a person who..has a person knowledgeable about it feeding her this info.

Just wierd stuff..like when she was out on a walk texting me saying "Just picking them up and putting them down"..something Ive never heard come out of her mouth lol

While at a bar after a concert last month she had her Snapchat open and low and behold he is the top one with the little flaming emoticon for 'most talked too'. I made a silly comment like "Huh, I'm not even top 3! Lol" and she stared daggers into me and said "Dont you start this!" angerly.

Her sleeping habits have became a little erratic also..which could be nothing..but I do know that do to the time difference it seems its pretty usual he will message her at 4 or 5am sometimes. I will leave for work at 4:30am sometimes and see that she checks her phone as I am leaving. I often will notice her social media 'online' will routinely display her on at 4, 5, 6am sometimes.

As for noticeable social media things (likes/comments) he would drop a like occasionally, never saw a comment.

Last 3 months tho he is instantly the first like as soon as she post anything.

And, today was the first time Ive ever seen comments in 2 years oddly enough.

She cut her hair short today and had to post up 2 selfies, 1 for Instagram and 1 for Facebook.

He Dropped the first comment on her IG say "Looks good" then hours later (which I just noticed) dropped a "Awwwww, that face" on her FB upload.

I dont know...this could all be two buddies just talking. It could be my own insecurities, and I know that..but its been like a steam-roller of just "him, him, him, him" these last 3-4 months. Starting with the comment which has escalated to constant talking.

I mean, I have only ever glanced onto 2 convos and been able to read them, both were harmless chit-chat...but who knows.

Honestly, if anything...I feel as it could be this scenario..

'They are good friends, heres on deployment and looking to talk to someone...she is obliging..but..perhaps has..got a little crush? on him?"

I know, I know, the common answer would be "Talk to her!" about it...

I wish I could, but, I dont wanna seem insecure/jealous and to be honest...2 times before this guys appeared in her life who she claimed were friends who I got suspicious of due to her increased amount of interaction with. The first time was an ex of her friends who had a crush on her but she saw completely as a friend...I was completely off about this one and she did nothing wrong but being insecure and jealous we had a major argument about him. The second time was another married guy friend who she went to highschool with. He too turned out to be harmless and their was nothing nefarious about the interaction. But it kinda came out of no where and they were texting back and forths so much I grew suspicious for no reason other then insecurity on my part.

So how do I proceed? We recently bought a house together so I cant just up and leave her over it...and as I said perhaps I am just being insecure for no good reason.

Thoughts, opinions, insight, help navigating this are appreciated tremendously.

July 10, 2017

Well, she definitely has a thing for J, that's for sure. Since he is far away, it is probably a developing emotional affair. How far it's gone, well, you need to get ahold of her phone. Text messages are stored by some cell carriers and if you are on the bill, you can request transcripts for the past several months. Also, at the every least, your cell bill will log all the times they have contacted each other. Be prepared for a huge number. As far as other technological interventions, if they are communicating via computer, you can install a key logger into the family PC and it will give you a key-click by key-click description of just how far your girlfriend has gone down the rabbit hole... possible stuff can include sexting, hidden face book accounts, passwords to chat apps like kik, etc. I am sorry you are finding yourself on love shack, but there are many individuals here that can give you support and help you to uncover the truth... good luck.

July 10, 2017

Well, she definitely has a thing for J, that's for sure. Since he is far away, it is probably a developing emotional affair. How far it's gone, well, you need to get ahold of her phone. Text messages are stored by some cell carriers and if you are on the bill, you can request transcripts for the past several months. Also, at the every least, your cell bill will log all the times they have contacted each other. Be prepared for a huge number. As far as other technological interventions, if they are communicating via computer, you can install a key logger into the family PC and it will give you a key-click by key-click description of just how far your girlfriend has gone down the rabbit hole... possible stuff can include sexting, hidden face book accounts, passwords to chat apps like kik, etc. I am sorry you are finding yourself on love shack, but there are many individuals here that can give you support and help you to uncover the truth... good luck.

None of these are an option for me.

We are on seperate bills/accounts. We keep everything seperate.

She uses her phone exclusively so access her PC/Mac would be a waste.

Only thing I could do is snopp through her phone but my 'morality' is saying not too.

Honestly I dont suspect much...aside from a crush growing...at least I hope.

July 10, 2017

So you think "We recently bought a house together so I cant just up and leave her over it..."

Well, oh yes you can.

Sell the house. It's a good market right now, might make a profit.

Why? Because she is not YOUR girlfriend anymore, not really. In her mind she is kind of cheating on J with you. Sorry.

July 10, 2017

What?? You're afraid talking to her?

The most important thing, you MUST talk to her about is "Why did she lie to you about the nature of their relationship in the past"

Do you think that a liar gf is a thing you can just drop and let it slip? Sorry, for me it might have even been a deal breaker.

July 10, 2017

Let's assume that her activity with J is pretty innocent in the literal sense, no sexting or physical affair. Are you okay with having a girlfriend who is giving an ex-bf, someone she was probably having casual sex with before you came along, that much primary attention? Are you only concerned that she's not she's not currently banging him?

The problem is that her relationship with J is at the expense of your relationship. And there is no doubt that she is in a relationship with him, albeit not sexual or inappropriate in the most literal sense, at least not at this time. What do you think she's getting out of it? Why does she keep it on the down low? How would she feel if you were doing the same thing with an ex-girlfriend. What do you believe is the fundamental interest that draws them together and keeps this going at a fever pitch?

The deal is that there are some women who naturally have good boundaries, can remain friendly with former lovers while still relegating them to the distant past and not siphoning energy and attention away from their primary relationship. Then, there are those who need and encourage a lot of sexualized attention from multiple men. They typically have weak boundaries, need the extra attention to bolster their sense of self, don't understand the implications of extracurricular relationships... or don't care as long as it feels good and they're able to get away with it. Your girlfriend is the latter.

Of course it doesn't feel right to you! The question then is, what are you going to do about it? You've taken talking off the table (not that it would do any good regardless), you can't break up because you just bought a house together. All that's left is for you to suck it up and accept that even though you're the one taking care of her sexual needs at the moment, you are coming in a distant second in terms of who she's thinking about and communicating with all day long. If you're okay with that, if it doesn't concern you that you aren't getting her undivided attention, or even her primary attention, then carry on and enjoy your little triangular thing with J being the man at the top... as long as he's not smashing it all's good, right?

Otherwise, if it bothers you and decide that this is no way to live... something will have to change. Perhaps when J comes back from deployment and your girlfriend starts having gaps in her timeline when she's MIA you'll feel more motivated.

July 10, 2017

I agree with other poster.

Get a Real estate agent in, and get it appraised, and put on the market.

Get out of this relationship.

She will, in time, cheat on you with him.

Its inevitable, and what's worse, she does it openly, without taking your feelings into consideration.

Dude, drop the bomb on her, and tell her you need to be with someone that thinks of you, rather than someone else.

Please don't try and talk about it..

There's no talking. She's too into this guy, and will just drive her into secrecy.

Maybe, and its a remote maybe, she may come around, and block him.

But, dude, after the many years, and many contacts with him, it aint gonna happen !.

Sorry, but get out, and bail.

Get Tinder, install it, and openly use it in front of her.

Fix her red wagon up !.

Ted.

July 10, 2017

OP here-

Thanks for all the responses.

The one response of "Shes lieing about their past relationship" tho I can say that I have never specifically asked about it so to say. All I know is what shes told me and at no point have I said "Did you date" or "Did you guys have an intimate relationship?" Guess if I did then she could lie but as of now I have only heard from her lips nothing about these things.

As for just 'selling'...sadly it isnt mine to sell. She propositioned me to come live with her. I am a single dad (15year old son) and she said "Hey, I wanna buy this house and want you and your son to join me. I want him to live in this better area and go to better schools and I want us to take this relationship to the next level. I dont want you to have to leave him for us do things. I want us to be able to spend time together and you not to drop him at his grandparents or leave him at home alone for a few hours"

Their has been no change in her as this has been going on also to set off an alarms. We still have sex at our usual pace (about 3 times a week) and we still carry on like business as usual at home (we both work but I fix/paint/yard work etc.. and she cooks for us every night/cleans/washing clothes etc..)

She has even tried to become a "mother" type figure to mybson and that also hasnt waivered. Just yesterday she was pestering me to convince him come work with her as a junior intern this summer.

Even this week we have date set up for Wed night shes excited for (concert) and meet with a carpenter on Fri to pick out new doors.

To be honest tho, I've slipped into a 'funk' sort of like a quasi depression over the last 3 weeks (started the night I saw her Snapchat list and he was at the top. Last night was his "Awww, that face" comment.")

She has asked whats wrong and Ive stupidly attributed it to work stress rather then been honest.

I know she is suspect tho it concerns her cause I have been rather melancholy to her compliments. Like she has this obsession with grabbing my ass and I dont dont feel like my usual self being flirty back. Also her compliments on my looks like "Your so hot/cute" Ive met back with "I wish that was true"...to which she got very angry about so now I just respond back "Thanks" devoid of what usually would a smile and a bit of joy from hearing her say it.

Yesterday and todays interactions were a bit 'Overboard' for her tho.

LOT of complimenting and continuously wanting to pull me into hugs/snuggles.

And this morning was far from the norm. I awoke to her rubbing my back and nibbling on it. Then pushing my hair out of my face telling me how sexy I was. Even as she was eating breakfast she wanted to hold hands across the table. All sweet but a little much then she usually is.

She did keep making comments tho, kept saying "Geez, you hate me." numerous times. I did respond to it and told her to knock it off and it was far from the truth.

I feel as if my approach should like such to finally confront this, please tell me if this is wrong and if anyone could please help me word and get my feelings across sensible...when I often have an issue I can lose my cool, ramble, and as smart as I like to think I am I have a huge track record being gas lighted by women and/or always finding myself apologizing for my feelings so to say..

So heres how I plan on approaching it..

The next time his name comes up I plan on being sarcastic about it so to say..

If she says "Well XYZ about J" I plan on saying "Wow, your gonna give both of us a crush on him!"

I'm guessing this response will trigger a response from her allowing me to stay level headed and act like I dont care and was being facetious but explain why.

Kind of like "Hey, I dont know what the deal is between you guys nor do I give a crap, all I'm saying is XYZ reasons etc.. and it seems that way"

If my chance the next instance of him is me visibly seeing a text come through/snap/her in convo with him etc.. then I plan on just approaching it very level headedly saying "Wow, you guys are pretty close as of late. You rekindle that friendship pretty hard it seems." then from their dive into specifics of what Ive seen, how much she talks about him etc..

I dont wanna just do what I did the last two times and lose my cool. I honestly dont have the fire in my belly like I did the last 2 times I confronted her about a "guy friend" that rubbed me the wrong way.

I do get to some extent what she does..she is a bit introverted, refuses usally to leave the house unless I accompany her. She had very little friends and when we got together she pretty much abandoned them and nights we didnt go out she stayed home instead. Even now I pressure her to go do stuff with friends when I am at work and she refuses. Her whole life revolves around only going out with me and when I'm not home shes glued to social media/texting. So this in part makes me think to some degree shes clung to him all of a sudden due to having a new person to chat with a bunch.

And as I said I dont have anything 'overly incriminating' that I've seen between them in writing.

All Ive seen like I said are 3 partial convos..

See, when an iPad is jostled the screen comes on and it shows messages recieved on its screen. It doesnt show her responses but it shows his text..

The 3 I saw, or should I say his responses to whatever they were talking about..

1. Him talking about his wife. What looks to be her asking about how it kust be hard for her to do it alone while he is deployed. Him saying he plans on surprising her when he gets home.

2. His responses to her inquiring about asking his father if he could sell us a riding mower

3. Him telling her about how you theirs no alcohol in the middle east and how crazy it was.

So thats all I've visibly been able to read in passing while the iPad was near me...

Sadly nothing I could use as ammo.

As it stands my 'ammo' are the reasons Ive states in the opening post. All which I guess will be met with her saying I am insecure, saying how they are just friends, saying she would never hurt me, etc..

Edited July 10, 2017 by spmh1017

July 10, 2017

OP here-

Thanks for all the responses.

The one response of "Shes lieing about their past relationship" tho I can say that I have never specifically asked about it so to say. All I know is what shes told me and at no point have I said "Did you date" or "Did you guys have an intimate relationship?" Guess if I did then she could lie but as of now I have only heard from her lips nothing about these things.

As for just 'selling'...sadly it isnt mine to sell. She propositioned me to come live with her. I am a single dad and she said "Hey, I wanna buy this house and want you and your son to join me. I want to live in this better area and go to better schools and I want us to take this relationship to the next level."