Had an affair and told his wife

[Zulufoot]

Five years ago my first love contacted me out of the blue saying that he'd like to catch-up with me. I hadn't seen him for 21 years when he upped and left me and I never knew what happened to him. I was eager to meet him to see what happened to his life and I told my partner at the time. He told me I was his soul mate and explained why he left all of a sudden all those years ago. We started seeing each other and it turned into an affair, looking back now he actually contacted me for one reason and that was sex. Initially I had told him to leave me alone and that his wife was his soul mate not me, but then stupidly I started to believe everything he told me because at the time my own relationship was struggling and I was really vulnerable.

 

I know it was wrong and I tried to end it six times (he never did), but every time I would end up right back with him, we tried to be friends towards the end, but he wanted me to be his secret friend. I realised he had actually sought me out just for sex and he even told me he wanted to have his cake and eat it. In the end I told his wife, I know this was wrong too, so two terrible acts by one person, but the truth is I could never end it with him (I had even taken a year off from work to travel overseas and we still ended up seeing each other again) and I think this was because of the abandonment all those years ago.

 

I really didn't want to be in the affair as it was wrong and it was making me ill, I had chronic insomnia and anxiety as a result of it and I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with someone, not with someone who was using me. I had asked him to tell his wife, but he said he couldn't. So I told his wife so that it could finally end.

 

I don't want everyone to slam me for this as I know what I did was wrong and I wish I had been strong enough to turn him down all those years ago. But I've done what I've done now, I feel terrible for hurting his wife and live with the guilt every day, does anyone have any tips on managing the guilt, or do I just have to grim and bare it for being selfish? I have been undergoing counselling for a while now and I think it will take years to get over this.

Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Miss Clavel]

fwiw, i think you did the right thing. maybe for the wrong reason, but here we are.

 

you can't expect someone else to keep you from your worst self. you have to do that.

 

figure out what it is about you that you can't preserve your own life and health? you can't protect and defend yourself but you think a woman you don't know and have treated so poorly, behind her back, can do it for you?

 

he's a cake eating, smug, lying manipulate loser that's trying to demean, debase and use you.

 

where is your outrage? where is your self respect?

 

man up. shove him out and lock the door.

 

NO CONTACT

[Birdies]

I think you did the right thing by telling his wife. She deserves to know what's happening in her own life. Forgive yourself for that. Even if she hates you, I'm sure deep down she'd rather that you told her than that you didn't. Work on absolving yourself of that guilt! What's done is done. All you can do now is try to learn from it and be a better person as a result.

[whichwayisup]

You need to start by forgiving yourself for making some bad choices that ended up hurting you deeply and messing you up. Continue with counseling and it'll help you let go of the past so you can move on and find happiness again.

[Bittersweetie]

I was a WW, and I'm reconciled with my H. I had to face that I was the "bad guy" and that I hurt people. I decided to accept my choices and then look into why I made them...so I could never make them again. It was not an easy or short process. However I am in a much healthier place than I was years ago...it is worth the hard effort.

 

As for the guilt, I recently read an interview with the Dalai Lama. He felt remorse over the death of someone, and the interviewer asked how he got over that remorse. He said, he didn't. He accepted the remorse, and learned not only to live with it inside, but learn from it so he did not make the same choices again. I found that very powerful. GL.

[Birdies]

As for the guilt, I recently read an interview with the Dalai Lama. He felt remorse over the death of someone, and the interviewer asked how he got over that remorse. He said, he didn't. He accepted the remorse, and learned not only to live with it inside, but learn from it so he did not make the same choices again. I found that very powerful. GL.

 

Thank you for this - I will remember this and take it to heart as well.

[Eccles]

Actually, I think telling the BS can sometimes (sometimes) end an affair more effectively than anything else. For whatever reason you did it, its done, forgive yourself.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you did this.

 

Now go NC with this guy. Do not fall back. Keep him away.

 

you were right, he used you before and did it again.

 

You can not believe that he was straight with you.

 

You may want to get tested for stds, because he would not look out for your health.

 

be gentle with yourself. You did the right thing in telling his wife.

[sandylee1]

Continue with the counselling, as it will help you find your inner self and you'll know to only be in a healthy relationship in the future.

 

His wife now has the information to make an informed decision about her marriage. I'd want to know if it was me.

[jah526]

There was a show I used to watch on tv called Intervention. One of the interventionists always used to say that no matter the reason for going to rehab, no matter if the addict wants to or not, everything's fine as long as they go. I think the same logic applies here. Getting yourself out of the A is a good thing for everyone no matter how you go about it (caveat... short of physically harming someone, which does sometimes happen in these cases).

 

In my case, it was my jealousy of another woman that finally did it, and my realization that there was nothing I could trust about this man. The most noble reason? No. But I'm out.

 

Another old quote from a movie (War Games) I've been thinking of - the only way to win is not to play the game.

[Zulufoot]

Thanks for sharing the story on the Dalai Lama, that really does help, knowing that he even feels remorse and has managed it gives me hope too.

[Zulufoot]

Good advice, I agree it was an addiction, it had the same symptoms of tolerance, withdrawal and craving and I could never let it go, even though I knew he was an arsehole. I wanted to end it gracefully but I knew that he would always be able to tap right back in whenever he felt like it and I wouldn't have the strength to say no. Just a month prior to this we had met up, as friends, and then he came onto me saying he had a hard on, I was the only woman who made him feel that way, thinking about it makes me feel sick now. So in the end sabotaging it all was the only way to go for me. I wasted five years of my life on this guy, lost my self-respect, my self-esteem, integrity and happiness, it so wasn't worth it. I'm glad I finally had the courage to end it, even though I know people got hurt, which is why I feel remorse.

[jah526]

Good advice, I agree it was an addiction, it had the same symptoms of tolerance, withdrawal and craving and I could never let it go, even though I knew he was an arsehole. I wanted to end it gracefully but I knew that he would always be able to tap right back in whenever he felt like it and I wouldn't have the strength to say no. Just a month prior to this we had met up, as friends, and then he came onto me saying he had a hard on, I was the only woman who made him feel that way, thinking about it makes me feel sick now. So in the end sabotaging it all was the only way to go for me. I wasted five years of my life on this guy, lost my self-respect, my self-esteem, integrity and happiness, it so wasn't worth it. I'm glad I finally had the courage to end it, even though I know people got hurt, which is why I feel remorse.

 

Ugh, yours sounds like mine. I had a talk with him, asking if we could just be friends. He said yes, and that what had happened would never happen again. Three days later he manipulated me (again) into a sexual situation. And yeah, I had the power to say no. But you know... if your dealer says he will never give you heroin again, and then shows up with heroin...

 

Yes, you had the courage to get yourself out, by whatever means necessary, and that is something to be proud of. People got hurt, but in a way you gave some critical information to the BW. The pain lasts a little while, but the truth gives you freedom to choose.

[misspalmy]

I did the same i told ex mm wife was making me depressed, but its not over for me need dna test with him and my son.

 

i hope you find a nice guy

[Zulufoot]

Sorry to hear that, I hope you sort it out.

[Ahurtgirl]

You give yourself too much credit. The instant you told his wife, she more than likely could have cared less who you were. You could have been any female that her husband was involved with. It wasn't you that mattered. YOU didn't hurt her. YOU mean nothing to her. She is more than likely enjoying the attention her husband is now showing her to make up for being involved with another woman and she now has the upper hand in their marriage.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I was a WW, and I'm reconciled with my H. I had to face that I was the "bad guy" and that I hurt people. I decided to accept my choices and then look into why I made them...so I could never make them again. It was not an easy or short process. However I am in a much healthier place than I was years ago...it is worth the hard effort.

 

As for the guilt, I recently read an interview with the Dalai Lama. He felt remorse over the death of someone, and the interviewer asked how he got over that remorse. He said, he didn't. He accepted the remorse, and learned not only to live with it inside, but learn from it so he did not make the same choices again. I found that very powerful. GL.

 

Very powerful.

 

I believe, that when we are able to incorporate all parts of ourselves into one, that we are better able to manage those sides of us that cause harm (to ourselves and others).

 

Totally absolving ourselves from the sides of us that have caused harm leaves us wide open to repeat the same or similar behaviours.

 

By incorporating ourselves more fully, we are more likely to conduct ourselves from a "can see things 10 miles out" perspective. We behave/live with consciousness.

 

It isnt about living with ones head down in shame their whole lives, it is about living with ones eyes wide open. It is an understanding, it is compassion, it is empathy, it is the "learning the life lesson".

[Space Ritual]

Five years ago my first love contacted me out of the blue saying that he'd like to catch-up with me. I hadn't seen him for 21 years when he upped and left me and I never knew what happened to him. I was eager to meet him to see what happened to his life and I told my partner at the time. He told me I was his soul mate and explained why he left all of a sudden all those years ago. We started seeing each other and it turned into an affair, looking back now he actually contacted me for one reason and that was sex. Initially I had told him to leave me alone and that his wife was his soul mate not me, but then stupidly I started to believe everything he told me because at the time my own relationship was struggling and I was really vulnerable.

 

I know it was wrong and I tried to end it six times (he never did), but every time I would end up right back with him, we tried to be friends towards the end, but he wanted me to be his secret friend. I realised he had actually sought me out just for sex and he even told me he wanted to have his cake and eat it. In the end I told his wife, I know this was wrong too, so two terrible acts by one person, but the truth is I could never end it with him (I had even taken a year off from work to travel overseas and we still ended up seeing each other again) and I think this was because of the abandonment all those years ago.

 

I really didn't want to be in the affair as it was wrong and it was making me ill, I had chronic insomnia and anxiety as a result of it and I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with someone, not with someone who was using me. I had asked him to tell his wife, but he said he couldn't. So I told his wife so that it could finally end.

 

I don't want everyone to slam me for this as I know what I did was wrong and I wish I had been strong enough to turn him down all those years ago. But I've done what I've done now, I feel terrible for hurting his wife and live with the guilt every day, does anyone have any tips on managing the guilt, or do I just have to grim and bare it for being selfish? I have been undergoing counselling for a while now and I think it will take years to get over this.

 

Posting as a betrayed, but wanting to offer you a word or 2 of encouragement.

 

I will tell you right now, yes you may feel guilty but you DID do the right thing in letting his wife know she was living a lie. You understand obviously now that your Affair Partner, while saying he couldn't, really wouldn't. He would only be willing to throw you under the bus if he was discovered, and in essence he was.

 

Regardless of the duration of your affair, doing the right thing by allowing his wife to determine the direction of her life is the best outcome you could have hoped for. Plus you now realize your affair partner is a coward.

 

One thing that I always tell persons that are getting out of an affair, whether they be an OM/OW or the Married or attached person is that you are not horrible people. We are all human, thus we are not infallible.

 

However, the goal for you now is not only to reach a point of indifference with this guy, but also to do the hard work on yourself to make yourself not only a safe person to be around in your next relationship, but also to be able to live a more genuine life.

 

Honestly, the work that it takes for a cheater or an OW/OM to do on themselves is a daunting task, and in most instances there is never a guarantee of an actual reward for the effort. So naturally, many can't or won't do the work and they end up in the same boat with another person in the future.

 

You have taken the most difficult crucial step already by exposing. It takes a lot of guts to do. even us betrayeds can understand that.

 

Keep working on yourself, the first step is always the hardest and you took it.

 

Good Luck:)

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Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zulufoot]

Thanks for being so honest and for your support. It's not the first time he had cheated, so I'm sure I won't be the last and I'm glad he is finally out of my life, it was so toxic. I only went into this relationship because he was my first love and I still had feelings for him after 21 years, there is some science behind all of this. Through counselling I have discovered quite a few things about myself, he abandoned me all those years ago, so I was scarred of losing him again, the relationship was an addiction and I'm a co-dependent and he was a narcissist, so I know what I need to work on. I'm glad she knows, but like I said I feel guilty for hurting other people, she was hurt she had got in touch with me, she said she had a mini stroke and onset of diabetes from shock. I really didn't go into this planning to hurt anyone, but of course people were going to get hurt and the AP knew this from the get go he said it would all end in tears, but he still contacted me anyway and I stupidly responded. The feedback on this forum has definitely helped me, so thanks everyone. I still have the guilt but I guess it will take time.

[Zulufoot]

"You give yourself too much credit. The instant you told his wife, she more than likely could have cared less who you were. You could have been any female that her husband was involved with. It wasn't you that mattered. YOU didn't hurt her. YOU mean nothing to her. She is more than likely enjoying the attention her husband is now showing her to make up for being involved with another woman and she now has the upper hand in their marriage."

 

 

I'm afraid she was hurt, which is why I feel so bad. I really do hope that he is making amends and going above and beyond to make things better and with time their marriage will be stronger as a result.

Edited July 12, 2017 by Zulufoot

[Space Ritual]

I'm afraid she was hurt, which is why I feel so bad. I really do hope that he is making amends and going above and beyond to make things better and with time their marriage will be stronger as a result.

 

Yeah but,

 

You know as well as I do that had you not exposed the affair, he never would have unless he had a gun to his head. I am sure it would have been a bit less traumatic coming from him, but that wasn't going to happen.

You know it, I know it.

 

It had to be done. And you did it. Again, I urge you to take what time after you begin healing to work on yourself and get to your why's.

 

Again, I rarely if ever come over here, but when reading your first post there was just something about your story that even Mean Old Space Ritual felt he had to give you some words of encouragement.

 

Work on you...you can leave that life behind if you really want to.

[misspalmy]

You give yourself too much credit. The instant you told his wife, she more than likely could have cared less who you were. You could have been any female that her husband was involved with. It wasn't you that mattered. YOU didn't hurt her. YOU mean nothing to her. She is more than likely enjoying the attention her husband is now showing her to make up for being involved with another woman and she now has the upper hand in their marriage.

 

the wife won a cheater how does she have the upper hand.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Five years ago my first love contacted me out of the blue saying that he'd like to catch-up with me. I hadn't seen him for 21 years when he upped and left me and I never knew what happened to him. I was eager to meet him to see what happened to his life and I told my partner at the time. He told me I was his soul mate and explained why he left all of a sudden all those years ago. We started seeing each other and it turned into an affair, looking back now he actually contacted me for one reason and that was sex. Initially I had told him to leave me alone and that his wife was his soul mate not me, but then stupidly I started to believe everything he told me because at the time my own relationship was struggling and I was really vulnerable.

 

I know it was wrong and I tried to end it six times (he never did), but every time I would end up right back with him, we tried to be friends towards the end, but he wanted me to be his secret friend. I realised he had actually sought me out just for sex and he even told me he wanted to have his cake and eat it. In the end I told his wife, I know this was wrong too, so two terrible acts by one person, but the truth is I could never end it with him (I had even taken a year off from work to travel overseas and we still ended up seeing each other again) and I think this was because of the abandonment all those years ago.

 

I really didn't want to be in the affair as it was wrong and it was making me ill, I had chronic insomnia and anxiety as a result of it and I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with someone, not with someone who was using me. I had asked him to tell his wife, but he said he couldn't. So I told his wife so that it could finally end.

 

I don't want everyone to slam me for this as I know what I did was wrong and I wish I had been strong enough to turn him down all those years ago. But I've done what I've done now, I feel terrible for hurting his wife and live with the guilt every day, does anyone have any tips on managing the guilt, or do I just have to grim and bare it for being such a selfish bitch? I have been undergoing counselling for a while now and I think it will take years to get over this.

Hi ,

 

Just to encourage you. Whether its the right thing or not or for whatever reasons, doesnt really matter. What matters is that you took ownership of your life and decided to become responsible for your actions.

 

You will feel guilty for a while but that doesnt really matter. What matters is that you do the hardwork of finding the reasons why you go into this. I could tell you it wont come at once but when it hits you. You will be beaming with self awareness.

 

I told xMMs wife about the affair (you could read my story) and like you i felt guilty for about 2months that i had hurt her. Once i started doing the work on myself and focused on me, they didnt matter anymore. This was my first affair. You have to hit rock bottom to the extent where you just dont care about him and start focusing on you.

 

Seven months down the line, I doing just fine, im happy still discovering myself and probably remember him maybe once or twice in a month but never deep thoughts. My time is too precious now that im focused on ME.

 

Give yourself time, you will be fine. and oh pls make sure you block all his numbers.

 

You'd be fine

[misspalmy]

how are you holding up?

[Zulufoot]

how are you holding up?

 

As good as can be expected in a situation like this and I hope things have worked out for you. However, I'm fortunate to actually have someone in my life, which is why I had to tell her about the affair too, as I didn't want him to be able to tap into my life at any point in the future and ruin any chance of a happy relationship for myself. The whole relationship was a lie, it was totally crazy and I'm actually glad to have some normality in my life again. I will feel guilty for a long time about hurting other people, but if I didn't take responsibility, who would? Thanks to everyone for your support, it's greatly appreciated.