Not sure whether to stay or leave my therapist?

[chargersfan]

I'm a 30ish female who's been seeing a therapist for over 1.25 years. She's female and a few years younger than I am. I've been seeing her for attachment trauma (mainly, fearful avoidant) but in the last 1.5 months, things have changed. The goal in my overall therapy with her is that I'm supposed to experience secure attachment in a healthy, safe, and secure environment...a reparative experience for the past.

 

In April of this year, I added "therapist" to my contacts in my phone. This was a big deal, as it had just been recently brought to my attention that I don't do this for anyone- only close family members. I don't have any of my friends stored in my phone. I also don't call them by their names and give them titles. I do little things like this, so I can feel safe. Too much intimacy and it freaks me out. When I told "therapist", she jokingly said, "It's about time. It's only been a year."

 

Since then, we've touched on the significance on adding people to my phone and calling them by their name (which I had begun to do w/her as I grew closer). She was well aware of the symbolism.

 

In June of this year, through various circumstances, I discovered I was officially attached to her. I admit, I was scared, but she and I both agreed that if she could provide me w/secure attachment, it could lead to healing.

 

Last week, she and I had an argument about my course of treatment. We disagreed, I got up to leave, and turned back to her and said, "I know I owe you money. I'll mail in your payments." To which she replied, "Nice. Really nice." She'd later say that this was me basically saying, "F-ck you, J*****." That isn't what I meant and I almost feel like she doesn't know me.

 

She contacted me last week and asked me to come back. When I did, I went back to hear how I've wanted her to fail. That I've been looking for reasons for her to not succeed and how I'm putting all the blame and pointing all the fingers at her. I told her that wasn't true...I was helping her to help me. I told her I needed her to truly "see me," to which she asked, "What does this mean? Validation?" and then went on to say, "See, it's about me and what I'm not doing." No, I'm telling you what I need from here on out.

 

She made mention of my relationships..."You're the one harming them, not me. I don't care if I'm in your phone or not, maybe they (my friends) do, but I don't. It's your relationships, not mine."

 

And I can't begin to tell you the level of guilt and shame, along with the rejection I felt. I sat there and took it, clamming up. I didn't want her to see my pain and no longer trusted her. I felt myself closing off. For her to say she didn't care if she was in my phone or not, after she knew she was (since April) and we've been lightly discussing the topic ever since...I felt like I was a child all over again. It hurt so bad because of the symbolism behind. She's an "attachment figure" to me. For my attachment figure to reject me like that...wow. Very painful.

 

I don't think I'd open myself up to her again. I'm now very protective of myself. But I've stuck with her for over a year now. I'm a very loyal person, but I don't want to get hurt and just 5 minutes before that, I told her that now that I'm "attached" to her, she had the capability of really cutting me with her words. Then that.

 

I dunno what to do.

Edited July 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Arieswoman]

chargersfan,

Your therapist seems to me to be unprofessional and overstepping the client/therapist boundaries.

 

These comments;

 

"You're the one harming them, not me. I don't care if I'm in your phone or not, maybe they (my friends) do, but I don't. It's your relationships, not mine."

 

are wholly inappropriate.

 

And this;

 

She contacted me last week and asked me to come back

 

is totally out-of-order.

 

I didn't want her to see my pain and no longer trusted her. I felt myself closing off.

 

This ^^^ shows that the relationship is no longer working for your benefit.

 

I would suggest you find another therapist.

 

I'm sorry.x

[chargersfan]

chargersfan,

Your therapist seems to me to be unprofessional and overstepping the client/therapist boundaries.

 

These comments;

 

 

 

are wholly inappropriate.

 

And this;

 

 

 

is totally out-of-order.

 

 

 

This ^^^ shows that the relationship is no longer working for your benefit.

 

I would suggest you find another therapist.

 

I'm sorry.x

 

I know. This is what I'm leaning towards as well. Half way through my time there, she admitted that she told another therapist that she and I would be friends if I wasn't her client.

 

Then last week, she admonished me for walking out. Said she wasn't my friend and to never leave her office like that again (I don't know what I did wrong, I didn't scream or yell or raise my voice on the way out).

 

Last session, she peppered me with questions. "If I didn't contact you, would you have contacted me? Would I have heard from you again? Would you have just started to mail in payments?"

I thought the questions were not really necessary to therapy, but maybe that's just me.

 

Thank you for your reply!

[JuneL]

If you can't see your therapist like a "stranger" whom you can talk freely without worrying about her judgement, then you have to quit her (the same applies to your physicians). Seeing her as an attachment figure was already a big warning sign.

[vanhalenfan]

Almost sounds like she is forming an attachment to you!

 

This doesn't sound like a professional therapist/client relationship at all.

[Redhead14]

Confrontation is one of the things people who are afraid of intimacy and closeness are afraid of as well. I think you are experiencing "progress" and it's hitting close too home. This is what happens when clients walls are coming down and it's uncomfortable for them and they bail on the situation rather than push through them.

 

to which she replied, "Nice. Really nice." She'd later say that this was me basically saying, "F-ck you, J*****." -- She's pointing out you were being passive-aggressive. Another thing that people with your "condition" employs in order to push people away. She told you how you were making you feel which is what people do in healthy relationships and that is uncomfortable for you.

 

I think you should stick with this therapist. There may be a little counter transference going on, but that is for her to manage and therapists are human too. She has not made any hugely significant missteps professionally. It seem big to you because you are hyper-sensitive right now.

 

Go back a few times and see how things go. Be patient with yourself and her. Putting names in your phone is a very tiny thing in the scope of the process of healing and not a big enough thing to destroy any "relationship" over. But it is a sign that you are still on that road to recovery. And, it highlights another area to address: conflict resolution skills.

Edited July 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

I think what you obviously need to do is tell her how hurt you were by her comments and just talk about it. I would say that is all you should do right now.

 

I just want to make certain she is a certified psychologist and not just someone calling themself a counselor. If she's a real psychologist, then talk to her about it. If she's not, get a real psychologist.

[JuneL]

Confrontation is one of the things people who are afraid of intimacy and closeness are afraid of as well. I think you are experiencing "progress" and it's hitting close too home. This is what happens when clients walls are coming down and it's uncomfortable for them and they bail on the situation rather than push through them.

 

to which she replied, "Nice. Really nice." She'd later say that this was me basically saying, "F-ck you, J*****." -- She's pointing out you were being passive-aggressive. Another thing that people with your "condition" employs in order to push people away. She told you how you were making you feel which is what people do in healthy relationships and that is uncomfortable for you.

 

I think you should stick with this therapist. There may be a little counter transference going on, but that is for her to manage and therapists are human too. She has not made any hugely significant missteps professionally. It seem big to you because you are hyper-sensitive right now.

 

Go back a few times and see how things go. Be patient with yourself and her. Putting names in your phone is a very tiny thing in the scope of the process of healing and not a big enough thing to destroy any "relationship" over. But it is a sign that you are still on that road to recovery. And, it highlights another area to address: conflict resolution skills.

 

This would have been a great analysis if the therapist was the OP's friend. I think she has had her role confused.

Edited July 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chargersfan]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

I'm also bisexual. My therapist is two years younger and very attractive. I began to visit a strip club and I rec'd lap dances from a woman who kinda resembled my therapist. I didn't think too much of it until one day, this dancer came out in plain clothes and I realized just HOW MUCH they looked alike.

 

It freaked me out. Was I crushing on my therapist? I had rec'd lap dances from this woman and when I saw one of 'em, I saw the other. I was tortured and felt awful. I admitted it to my therapist who said she didn't feel weird about it at all, although I struggled and felt guilty. The next three sessions ended with her talking about strip clubs:

 

End of visit one:

"Yeah, I go to strip clubs to get a kick out of them. Laugh at them. Go on Yelp and read the reviews for the local all nude club they have here and you'll laugh! One of them talked about a guy who worried that he was going to get murder-raped because it was in the bad part of town. Do you mind if I take my business partner/fellow therapist with me to visit the club you're talking about?

 

End of visit two:

Yeah, when I was a bartender during school, I was approached by the owner of a strip club and he wanted me to try out for open dance night. I could have had a much different career, (my name)!!

 

End of visit three:

(I had just told her that maybe she and stripper didn't look too much alike and that it was just their hairstyles) Oh (my name), you know we have much more alike than just our hairstyles!

 

The last one confused me. Really confused me. I was trying to separate the two women and she brought them back together as far as their looks. I remember stuttering and then just saying, "Any ways...next topic..." and just not knowing what to say or what she meant by that.

Edited July 13, 2017 by chargersfan

[Eternal Sunshine]

All I got from your OP is a very strong vibe that you are attracted to her and possibly she is to you. It doesn't sound like a professional relationship at all.

[Redhead14]

This would have been a great analysis if the therapist was the OP's friend. I think she has had her role confused.

 

There comes a point in any long-term therapeutic environment when it becomes more "interactive" and often by design depending on the therapist's therapeutic model and the client's "readiness". At some point, it stops being a one-sided thing -- the client reveals/talks/emotes, etc and the therapist says "well, how does that make you feel".

 

There is no set standard for the particulars of the "in office/in session" boundaries. Different models for therapy and different disciplines have different ideas about what the boundary closes in and closes out. Different therapists operate according to their training and their own ideas of what it means to “bind” the relationship. It’s why some therapists offer you tea and others don’t; why some therapists end sessions with a hug and others don’t even shake hands; why some will stop and chat in the aisle of the grocery store and others aren’t approachable; why some therapists will allow going over time during a client’s crisis and others feel it’s important to keep a strict end time.

 

Crossing a boundary to serve the client and to challenge them on some level is different from violating a boundary to serve the therapist’s needs. If a therapist exploits his or her power over the client to gratify his own sexual, financial or ego needs, it’s a violation of professional boundary.

 

It really isn't clear what's going on with this therapist -- yet. I'm suspecting she's just checking to see "where" her client "is".

 

The client should, however, openly address this concern with that therapist plain and simple. Ask her what's going on here? If she says, "yeah, there's some transference/counter-transference going on and I will reign it in. If she is countertransferring without a conscious therapeutic client goal, she would likely end further sessions and she will address it with her supporting therapist if she has one. Transference and bonding by a client is "normal" and to be expected if the client is moving forward.

 

Countertransference can serve as a sensitive interpersonal barometer, a finely tuned instrument in the field of social interaction. For example, a therapist who feels irritated by a patient for no clear reason may eventually uncover subtle unconscious provocations by the patient that irritate and repel others, and thereby keep the patient unwittingly lonely and isolated.

 

So far, if anything, this therapist is operating in a therapeutic "gray" area really.

[JuneL]

All I got from your OP is a very strong vibe that you are attracted to her and possibly she is to you. It doesn't sound like a professional relationship at all.

 

Couldn't agree more. I should add that both of them seem to know what's going on...

[chargersfan]

Honestly, I don't feel like I'm into her that way. I feel like we argue like we're friends, I mean she told me we would be friends if I wasn't her client.

 

Our last session elected a lot of guilt and shame. I felt retraumatized all over again. I felt hopeless when she said that me telling her I'm going to mail in her payments was me saying, "f-ck you J*****." No it wasn't. It was someone who knew the pain of having to detach from someone I'm attached to. I felt lonely and two inches tall, thinking, "She doesn't know me after all."

 

Had to hear about how I wanted her to fail. That I never gave it a shot. She doesn't understand how that sooo isn't the case.

Edited July 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

Honestly, I don't feel like I'm into her that way. I feel like we argue like we're friends, I mean she told me we would be friends if I wasn't her client.

 

Our last session elected a lot of guilt and shame. I felt retraumatized all over again. I felt hopeless when she said that me telling her I'm going to mail in her payments was me saying, "f-ck you J*****." No it wasn't. It was someone who knew the pain of having to detach from someone I'm attached to. I felt lonely and two inches tall, thinking, "She doesn't know me after all."

 

Had to hear about how I wanted her to fail. That I never gave it a shot. She doesn't understand how that sooo isn't the case.

 

I felt lonely and two inches tall, thinking, "She doesn't know me after all." -- You need to tell her that she made you feel this way. It's important. Knowing someone and being a mind-reader are two different things . . .

 

What you are describing here is about dissociation and regression. She needs to know when that happens . . .

Edited July 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chargersfan]

So I went. It was okay. She led the session. It was brought up near the end of session (about how she triggered me the week before). We didn't get too much into it. She was kinda flummoxed about what we should talk about since we had 20 minutes remaining; "We have time left, which is rare, what do you think we should talk about?" It almost felt like me when I avoid, but I was too tired to bring it up on my own. Our last session was so conflicting and upsetting, but didn't really get brought up.

 

It was the very last thing she brought up and quite frankly, i didn't have the strength of energy to do it.

She said she was anxious going into last session and may have got defensive because she "wanted to keep me" and not lose me. TBH, I wish she didn't tell me this.

 

I brought up the times when she was the harshest with me, like calling me rude, and then for the next session she was the harshest over the same issue. I told her I didn't think it's a coincidence and she did say it's a possibility that she was triggered as well. She said she has had to go to her therapist and talk about this.

 

I'm exhausted. This stuff goes against every fiber of my being. She apologized for not listening to me when I told her I was hurt and if I felt judged and she got why it triggered flashbacks in me. She then showed me the stationary she was intent on showing me before.

[chargersfan]

I now feel obligated to stick with her and not let her down. She didn't give this off to me and admitted she felt her energy was different this time and she was more relaxed, but

I still can't shake the feeling.

 

I certainly didn't get the sense that she was afraid of me going anywhere, given how defensive she seemed to me, but that's neither here nor there.

 

The timing of it was interesting. For 40 minutes, I ebbed and flowed about how I was tired of feeling like a loyal lap dog to cold, detached women. Women who when I make mistake, are harsh with me and sometimes "punish" me, are forgiven by me easily when they do the same. When I revealed to her that she was one of those women, I felt she was a bit surprised. That's when she told me about wanting to keep me, feeling anxious and defensive and having to work through that with her therapist, and etc.

 

I now feel like I don't want to let her down. Obligated. I wish she didn't tell me that. Wish she kept that to herself because now I'm doing what she and I know I do...factoring her feelings into my decision. Dang it.

[Art_Critic]

It really isn't clear what's going on with this therapist -- yet. I'm suspecting she's just checking to see "where" her client "is".

 

This was what I got out of the interaction.. I also felt like maybe the T was also trying to break the attachment to her as she knows that isn't in her clients best interests.. perhaps not the best way to break the attachment but seems like it was effective.

[Redhead14]

This was what I got out of the interaction.. I also felt like maybe the T was also trying to break the attachment to her as she knows that isn't in her clients best interests.. perhaps not the best way to break the attachment but seems like it was effective.

 

I don't think a therapist would actually use passive-aggressiveness against a client (at least not consciously) to cause them to leave. I do, however, think the therapist could be drawing out that behavior in her client--mirroring, in order for the client and her to observe how she deals with situations now . . . is the client improving in her ability to effectively communicate and experience a more interactive emotional and cognitive and deeper level at this point in her therapy? She's taking the temperature of her client's progress so to speak.

 

To me it seems that the OP is now getting down to the nitty gritty so to speak. She doesn't handle emotional intimacy and closeness well. The therapist is hitting too close to home . . . I think the OP should push through this period of uncomfortableness for a bit a longer. This therapist has not really made any directly personal comments/suggestions to her client.

[Redhead14]

I now feel obligated to stick with her and not let her down. She didn't give this off to me and admitted she felt her energy was different this time and she was more relaxed, but

I still can't shake the feeling.

 

I certainly didn't get the sense that she was afraid of me going anywhere, given how defensive she seemed to me, but that's neither here nor there.

 

The timing of it was interesting. For 40 minutes, I ebbed and flowed about how I was tired of feeling like a loyal lap dog to cold, detached women. Women who when I make mistake, are harsh with me and sometimes "punish" me, are forgiven by me easily when they do the same. When I revealed to her that she was one of those women, I felt she was a bit surprised. That's when she told me about wanting to keep me, feeling anxious and defensive and having to work through that with her therapist, and etc.

 

I now feel like I don't want to let her down. Obligated. I wish she didn't tell me that. Wish she kept that to herself because now I'm doing what she and I know I do...factoring her feelings into my decision. Dang it.

 

EXACTLY. You are being "tested".

 

I felt she was a bit surprised. -- Probably not so much surprised. It's probably more like pleased by a sign of progress.

 

I now feel like I don't want to let her down. -- Don't let yourself down. Push through this.

 

She said somethings you didn't understand clearly, weren't sure "where" she was coming from and instead of asking her to clarify for you, you assumed and created something in your head and reacted to that based on other experiences with other women -- triggered to the past . . .

Edited July 15, 2017 by Redhead14

[dichotomy]

I have had three therapist/mental health professionals.

 

One I got kind of close to - a father (okay maybe uncle) figure. occasionally he would call me to check on me or I would see him around town. That was the closest I got to a therapist.

 

Yours sounds way to personal.

 

Each therapist I have had was good for a specific issue in my life, very good, but when that benefit/issue was no longer needed - I moved on to another therapist. I have yet to find a perfect all in one therapist. Maybe its like dating

 

If your not feeling relief and peace from your therapist - if it is causing drama and conflict - move on.

[darkmoon]

a year in and she has not helped you?

 

ask for a refund

 

I know ppl say that it is not the therapist's fault- but they sure charge enough, and her irritaiting last converation with you would be my last straw in paying for a blatantly incompetent money-grabber

 

she has no respect for you, who are a paying customer

 

how many satisfised customers do you think she has?

Edited July 16, 2017 by darkmoon

[truthtripper]

Unfortunately, therapists are also humans. Us humans cannot escape the constant subconscious influences and bias which control all our thoughts and actions. I have seen at least 20 therapists over the last 25 years and I can confidently conclude, there is no such thing as professionalism. We can aspire to be professional but in reality can never achieve it. Therapists will get personal, will project, will judge, will impose their beliefs on their clients. Mental health is probably the most tricky profession to work in. It demands therapists to be highly self-aware.

[JuneL]

a year in and she has not helped you?

 

ask for a refund

 

I know ppl say that it is not the therapist's fault- but they sure charge enough, and her irritaiting last converation with you would be my last straw in paying for a blatantly incompetent money-grabber

 

she has no respect for you, who are a paying customer

 

how many satisfised customers do you think she has?

 

I agree that "incompetent" is a better word than "unprofessional" in this therapist's case. It's clear that the OP's case is way too stressful for her to handle, and she actually revealed her own stress to the OP, which put an enormous amount of pressure on the OP.

 

Imagine you go to a therapist and you have to worry about not making progress and letting her down...

Edited July 20, 2017 by JuneL

[truthtripper]

Imagine you go to a therapist and you have to worry about not making progress and letting her down...

Unfortunately that is a common occurrence.

[chargersfan]

I agree that "incompetent" is a better word than "unprofessional" in this therapist's case. It's clear that the OP's case is way too stressful for her to handle, and she actually revealed her own stress to the OP, which put an enormous amount of pressure on the OP.

 

Imagine you go to a therapist and you have to worry about not making progress and letting her down...

 

Sadly, this sums it up. She cancelled our appt for tomorrow due to a family emergency. Maybe now is the best time to terminate therapy?