Not sure whether to stay or leave my therapist?

[Redhead14]

Sadly, this sums it up. She cancelled our appt for tomorrow due to a family emergency. Maybe now is the best time to terminate therapy?

 

While I do not agree with the summation, I think you do need to change your therapist for the simple reason that you have already begun your detachment and spent a lot of time feeling "unsatisfied" with the situation.

 

In the end, you just need to do what you think is best for YOU, not because you're letting HER down. Of course, she will feel some sense of "failure" because after all she was trying to help you. But that's for HER to deal with, not YOU. The fact that you are feeling like you may be letting her down, says, you still have some work to do for sure.

 

Remember, therapy is a long process. You did not become the way you are overnight and it's going to take as long if not longer for you to "recover". The fact is that in the real world, you are going to meet, interact with all kinds of different people, attitudes, personalities, etc. and the same is true for therapists. You have not fully addressed your concerns about the situation with her to her. In other words, finish this by telling her face to face what you've been thinking and how's she's been making feel and then, terminate the sessions. All I'm saying is because of what you say you struggle with, seeing this through is important. It's also interesting that you're considering ending it after she cancelled an appointment -- it's really convenient and easier than approaching all this with her.

And, if you're thinking "why should I spend money on another session with her if I'm going to leave anyway?" -- you would be spending money on YOU and you are worth it, especially, if you end another "relationship" with a sense of closure and having the opportunity to express yourself adequately and effectively.

 

The other thing you need to consider is that leaving a therapist you've grown "attached to" is going to start a grieving process of sorts so, if you do terminate, it would be important to line up another therapy session with someone else very soon after.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[chargersfan]

While I do not agree with the summation, I think you do need to change your therapist for the simple reason that you have already begun your detachment and spent a lot of time feeling "unsatisfied" with the situation.

 

In the end, you just need to do what you think is best for YOU, not because you're letting HER down. Of course, she will feel some sense of "failure" because after all she was trying to help you. But that's for HER to deal with, not YOU. The fact that you are feeling like you may be letting her down, says, you still have some work to do for sure.

 

Remember, therapy is a long process. You did not become the way you are overnight and it's going to take as long if not longer for you to "recover". The fact is that in the real world, you are going to meet, interact with all kinds of different people, attitudes, personalities, etc. and the same is true for therapists. You have not fully addressed your concerns about the situation with her to her. In other words, finish this by telling her face to face what you've been thinking and how's she's been making feel and then, terminate the sessions. All I'm saying is because of what you say you struggle with, seeing this through is important. It's also interesting that you're considering ending it after she cancelled an appointment -- it's really convenient and easier than approaching all this with her.

And, if you're thinking "why should I spend money on another session with her if I'm going to leave anyway?" -- you would be spending money on YOU and you are worth it, especially, if you end another "relationship" with a sense of closure and having the opportunity to express yourself adequately and effectively.

 

The other thing you need to consider is that leaving a therapist you've grown "attached to" is going to start a grieving process of sorts so, if you do terminate, it would be important to line up another therapy session with someone else very soon after.

 

I'm going to take into consideration everything you have wrote.

 

Yes, I have begun to detach. That is usually when I've lost all trust in a situation and it's completely involuntary...out of my control. It's like I go on auto-pilot, it's very hard to describe.

 

Your thoughts are echoed by a therapist who specializes in attachment and while he does emphasize staying w/the therapist you're attached to, he does admit that defeat is near when the client/patient has gone inward and underground, basically, emotionally.

 

There were ample moments here to establish a sense of trust...of safety. From the very beginning, she seemed uncomfortable w/the situation- when discussing my attachment to her for the first time, she feigned, "Is there anything else you want to talk about besides your time spent here and how you're attached?"

I felt ashamed. I had made her feel discomfort, yet also, she missed that this is THE work for me. I always get to this point and either I leave, or I make the other person leave.

 

In subsequent sessions, when I would jokingly say it's hard for me to be there and see her (since I'm attached to her), it was always met with a, "Oh God, not again..." and a rolling of the eyes. I didn't take it offensively, more like a friend annoyed by my feelings...again. And I guess that's what made it so confusing. Like she was a friend, but not.

 

She cancelled our appointment today due to a loss her in family and she was leaving out of town in that moment. This morning, I was leaving a gas station and saw her walking into a breakfast joint. I have so little trust in her, if any, I wonder if she did suffer a loss in the family. I acknowledge that I am totally looking for a reason to leave. Still, I felt she's done this to me before when she had lowered her fees and I was the last appointment of the day and therefore, the "expendable" client. I still feel like I'm an expendable client in that she fits me in on her lunch break and waits for my insurance to reimburse me, then I reimburse her.

 

Overall, this would be the 4th cancellation in 3-4 months.

 

I'm so lost, confused, and conflicted. I still feel that there is a shred of me hoping to hang on, because at one time, she did very much "see me" and helped me, however, even a couple of months before my attachment was realized I felt things begin to change, I felt she no longer "saw me" as she once did. I thought it was my imagination. Those feelings were amplified once I became emotionally tied.

 

My mind is all over the place. I know it's very important I finish this off the right way, but I'm so torn.

 

Thank you for your response. It makes me think...

Edited July 21, 2017 by chargersfan

[chargersfan]

I visited a new therapist today. Older male w/lots of experience vs. my regular therapist who is two years younger than I am and doesn't specialize in attachment.

 

He was fair when it came to her, said he didn't want to spend time "bashing" her, but did want me to air out my feelings surrounding the situation.

 

He made it a point to say that she's not a bad person or a bad therapist, but that overall, she didn't get "it" or "me" and what I needed. "I just think she didn't get it anymore. It sounds to me like you did as much work with her as you could and you have hit a plateau, which is normal."

 

He did address how odd endings to therapeutic relationships are and he speculated that I probably have never truly ended a relationship on my own and don't really know how to go about that...which he understood.

 

When I told him that she said that she didn't want to dive into my past trauma- basically only keeping it to the week before- he asked me why she said that. I told him, to which he replied, "I don't think it's you who is not ready...sounds like she wasn't. She wasn't ready."

 

And then he looked at me and said, "I can tell your capable of very deep connection. After what the small amount of what you've told me, I'd guess that you have very rare attachments, but that your feelings run deep, but that they overwhelm you. You go by energy, don't you? You can feel other people's energy in the room, right? You need lots of space to breath. Otherwise, connection takes you over. And that's okay. This is just where you're at right now. It's a process."

 

And I feel like in that brief moment, he saw me. Regular therapist was "seeing" me less and less. I pleaded with her, asking her to see me, to which she replied, "What do you mean? I don't know what you mean? Do you mean validation?"

 

He even asked if he was sitting too closely to me, that he wanted to respect my space...whereas regular therapist would make these passing references about how far away I was still sitting away from her after a year and a half.

"I know you're anxious right now, but don't worry, you're still sitting as far away from me as you can and have your protective pillow to block me."

 

It was a nice change.

[Redhead14]

I visited a new therapist today. Older male w/lots of experience vs. my regular therapist who is two years younger than I am and doesn't specialize in attachment.

 

He was fair when it came to her, said he didn't want to spend time "bashing" her, but did want me to air out my feelings surrounding the situation.

 

He made it a point to say that she's not a bad person or a bad therapist, but that overall, she didn't get "it" or "me" and what I needed. "I just think she didn't get it anymore. It sounds to me like you did as much work with her as you could and you have hit a plateau, which is normal."

 

He did address how odd endings to therapeutic relationships are and he speculated that I probably have never truly ended a relationship on my own and don't really know how to go about that...which he understood.

 

When I told him that she said that she didn't want to dive into my past trauma- basically only keeping it to the week before- he asked me why she said that. I told him, to which he replied, "I don't think it's you who is not ready...sounds like she wasn't. She wasn't ready."

 

And then he looked at me and said, "I can tell your capable of very deep connection. After what the small amount of what you've told me, I'd guess that you have very rare attachments, but that your feelings run deep, but that they overwhelm you. You go by energy, don't you? You can feel other people's energy in the room, right? You need lots of space to breath. Otherwise, connection takes you over. And that's okay. This is just where you're at right now. It's a process."

 

And I feel like in that brief moment, he saw me. Regular therapist was "seeing" me less and less. I pleaded with her, asking her to see me, to which she replied, "What do you mean? I don't know what you mean? Do you mean validation?"

 

He even asked if he was sitting too closely to me, that he wanted to respect my space...whereas regular therapist would make these passing references about how far away I was still sitting away from her after a year and a half.

"I know you're anxious right now, but don't worry, you're still sitting as far away from me as you can and have your protective pillow to block me."

 

It was a nice change.

 

whereas regular therapist would make these passing references about how far away I was still sitting away from her after a year and a half. -- Yep, you still had your walls up after a year and a half and she pointed that out. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

And, the new therapist is recognizing that you have now started your entire therapy process all over again. You're showing him what you've been struggling with . . . interesting that's he's point out after one session what you're other therapist observed and pointed out after a year and a half.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Redhead14

[truthtripper]

It sounds to me like you did as much work with her as you could and you have hit a plateau, which is normal."

.

He's honest and he is admitting that a ceiling will at some stage be hit with him and any other therapist you see. No one is superhuman, we all have our limitations, therapist or not.

[chargersfan]

Tomorrow is the day to let former therapist go. Ugh. Still, it's the right thing to do.

[chargersfan]

Tomorrow is the day to let therapist go and continue detaching. Ugh. Still, it's the right thing to do.

[Soak]

I think the former therapist has some boundary issues. Some of her comments are unprofessional. She is entitled to think or feel any way she likes, but it is what is said and how it is said, in therapy sessions, that determines her professionalism. I'm sure it wasn't coming from an intentionally bad place though.

 

The other thing that this brings up, is that the process itself taught you some lessons. Eg, the situation became sticky and uncomfortable. Relationships are sometimes like this. You demonstrated the ability to reflect and think things through, which is a great achievement on your part.

[JuneL]

whereas regular therapist would make these passing references about how far away I was still sitting away from her after a year and a half. -- Yep, you still had your walls up after a year and a half and she pointed that out. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Yep, there's nothing wrong with pointing out calmly and objectively that you still have your walls up. But it sounds like she said it in an accusing tone and was putting all the blame on you, while she should be asking herself why she's still making her client incredibly uncomfortable after one and a half years. Her job should start with gaining your trust (even before addressing your attachment and other issues), instead of creating more burden on you and causing unnecessary drama.

 

Obviously I see this more from the client's point of view; I admit I might have a lower tolerance level on incompetent professionals, probably because I've met my fair share of them over the years (teachers, health professionals, among others).

 

OP: I just came across a recent NYTimes article in which the author emphasized the importance of "shopping around" to find a good therapist: you want someone who is both competent and compatible with you.

[Redhead14]

Yep, there's nothing wrong with pointing out calmly and objectively that you still have your walls up. But it sounds like she said it in an accusing tone and was putting all the blame on you, while she should be asking herself why she's still making her client incredibly uncomfortable after one and a half years. Her job should start with gaining your trust (even before addressing your attachment and other issues), instead of creating more burden on you and causing unnecessary drama.

 

Obviously I see this more from the client's point of view; I admit I might have a lower tolerance level on incompetent professionals, probably because I've met my fair share of them over the years (teachers, health professionals, among others).

 

OP: I just came across a recent NYTimes article in which the author emphasized the importance of "shopping around" to find a good therapist: you want someone who is both competent and compatible with you.

 

There is always one important thing that we don't get to see or hear in any thread and that is The Other Side . . . we only hear the OPs perception/view of what's happening and people often leave out or put their own spin on, either consciously or subconsciously, pieces of information because they really only come here to get what they want to hear.

 

And, the truth is perception is everything. If this is how she perceives the situation, I would encourage her to move on. But, if in fact she is simply resistant to treatment, she's gonna run into this situation with the next therapist too. Time will tell.

 

A therapist is only as successful as his/or her least treatment-resistant, ready-to-move forward client(s).

[darkmoon]

if this is the first time you have had to assert yourself, as in, dumping a uselss therapist - I am pleased for you

 

just do not make this the only time in your life when you stand up for yourself

Edited July 26, 2017 by darkmoon

[Redhead14]

OP, with your new therapist, be sure to ask him to his treatment approach/style, what you can expect to happen in treatment/treatment goals, etc. if he doesn't do this himself first. He won't have a specific treatment plan for you yet, but at some point, that should be visited.

Edited July 26, 2017 by Redhead14

[chargersfan]

Yep, there's nothing wrong with pointing out calmly and objectively that you still have your walls up. But it sounds like she said it in an accusing tone and was putting all the blame on you, while she should be asking herself why she's still making her client incredibly uncomfortable after one and a half years. Her job should start with gaining your trust (even before addressing your attachment and other issues), instead of creating more burden on you and causing unnecessary drama.

 

Obviously I see this more from the client's point of view; I admit I might have a lower tolerance level on incompetent professionals, probably because I've met my fair share of them over the years (teachers, health professionals, among others).

 

OP: I just came across a recent NYTimes article in which the author emphasized the importance of "shopping around" to find a good therapist: you want someone who is both competent and compatible with you.

 

Yes, it was said in a sarcastic way. At times, "You still have your little pillow in front of you." She was sarcastic, I know, and I felt shame for being perceived as weak. I tried to tell her that when I get attached, I get sensitive, but I don't think she understood.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[chargersfan]

I think the former therapist has some boundary issues. Some of her comments are unprofessional. She is entitled to think or feel any way she likes, but it is what is said and how it is said, in therapy sessions, that determines her professionalism. I'm sure it wasn't coming from an intentionally bad place though.

 

The other thing that this brings up, is that the process itself taught you some lessons. Eg, the situation became sticky and uncomfortable. Relationships are sometimes like this. You demonstrated the ability to reflect and think things through, which is a great achievement on your part.

 

Awwwww thank you! Very kind of you. And yes, I agree there about the boundaries. Made it confusing.

[JuneL]

Tomorrow is the day to let former therapist go. Ugh. Still, it's the right thing to do.

 

Did you meet with your former therapist for the last session? How did it go?

[truthtripper]

Yes, it was said in a sarcastic way. At times, "You still have your little pillow in front of you." She was sarcastic, I know, and I felt shame for being perceived as weak.

.

I can relate to this. I was treated like this and made to feel shame by every therapist I saw. Impatience was a common characteristic amongst them all, for my progress to be quicker. I felt that I had to pretend that I was feeling better to please them, to show them that their therapy was working. In hindsight I think they were actually projecting their insecurities onto me. This is one of of the many reasons why I took up body work therapy in place of talk therapy. I always found myself in the dynamic of having to reassure therapists that they were doing great at their job and didn't really get the support and guidance I required. It was a vicious circle for me.

[chargersfan]

Did you meet with your former therapist for the last session? How did it go?

 

Sadly, it didn't. She cancelled and my insurance won't pay for her while I'm seeing someone else. I called and left a VM. That's pretty much how things ended.

 

It was the right thing to do, to leave. The boundaries were def blurred.

[chargersfan]

I can relate to this. I was treated like this and made to feel shame by every therapist I saw. Impatience was a common characteristic amongst them all, for my progress to be quicker. I felt that I had to pretend that I was feeling better to please them, to show them that their therapy was working. In hindsight I think they were actually projecting their insecurities onto me. This is one of of the many reasons why I took up body work therapy in place of talk therapy. I always found myself in the dynamic of having to reassure therapists that they were doing great at their job and didn't really get the support and guidance I required. It was a vicious circle for me.

 

Body work therapy? I'll have to look into this.

 

I did the same w/my former therapist. I agree that they do project. It's kinda funny when you think about the mirror that we provide to them, as well. Not one-sided in that regard.

[truthtripper]

Body work therapy? I'll have to look into this.

 

I did the same w/my former therapist. I agree that they do project. It's kinda funny when you think about the mirror that we provide to them, as well. Not one-sided in that regard.

Despite all their training and university degrees etc, therapists still display unconscious bias/judgement which I don't think any human is capable of completely suppressing/controlling. In other words, at the end of the day, they still exhibit the primitive behaviours which are hard wired in our brains. This doesn't mean that therapists shouldn't bother practising self-awareness, but it's not humanly possible to achieve complete self-awareness. This means that there will always be some degree of unprofessionalism in therapy-really tricky, as it can trigger symptoms in clients causing them to feel re-abused. This happened to me over and over with all the therapists I saw. I felt that my wounds(child abuse) were being continuously opened up and exposed and could not heal.

 

I've been having Feldenkrais therapy now for two years. No talking is involved. The therapist gently moves my body and I feel small ripples of movement flow through my system. Although many people haven't heard of it, it is used in medicine, in hospitals, in schools and workplaces to help people gain more awareness of their bodies and thus of themselves which helps them to function more efficiently. It's based on the principals of neuroplasticity. For the first time in my life I feel grounded in my body which flows into myself as a person. I have to say, it was a friend who urged me to try this. I was initially skeptical, but now I am convinced of the body-mind connection. There are also group sessions which are cheaper, but I would recommend private sessions initially.

[chargersfan]

Things going well with new therapist. I wasn't too fond when he told me I should check out Atomic Blonde, because it has a same-sex love scene that he found to be hot.

 

With my attachment and co-dependency issues, I need a therapist who's gonna maintain those boundaries.