5 years in, and stuck

[Eccles]

DKT3 - ah now see you mean. In all honesty I am at an age now where the baby thing is past my capabilities regardless of any further intervention. I have accepted that, but not to say it is something that no longer hurts me, because it does. If that makes sense.

 

grassisorisntgreener - think i am already at that point. I do no longer care, I have no expectations of him at all. Which is why I find it odd that I struggle to let go. Yes, his wife knows about me, and knows he still sees me. I think as far as she is concerned as long as he comes home to her she turns a blind eye. If she pushes it, he gets up and packs a bag. So he has her where he wants her too. All very clever isn't it? The obligation for him to stay is his daughter. He split up from his first wife as neither of them were happy - and they had young children at the time - and so he says that is his sticking point. I haven't been fortunate enough to have children but that isn't to say I don't understand.

[sandylee1]

Sandylee1 - Clearly my relationship with MM hasn't all been unhappy. A lot has been very happy, in spite of the circumstances. I have had therapy to address these issues. I know where the fault lies also. But it isn't easy.

I'm interested in your rather sweeping statement that I am somehow weaker though... with respect you know very little about me. But I guess you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I only responded to what you posted here and it comes across as a crappie affair and where nobody in the triangle is happy.

 

You've stated that he is weak and I merely pointed out, that the same applies to you, otherwise if you had the strength and gumption to get rid of him, you wouldn't be posting here.

 

It just seemed ironical that you called him weak, even though you are the third party, getting hurt over and over again.

 

It's not an attack, I just find all too often OW have a lot of bad to say about the MM, but if both in the affair weren't weak, it would never happen.

 

You're better off without him, even if you don't realise it.

[jenkins95]

Eccles, having just read this entire thread and your other one (about starting NC). I'm in total awe - you've been through so much. You are an amazing person. You may have made some bad decisions but the humility and accountability with which you write speaks volumes about you.

 

Stay the course now and great things will come to you.

 

I wish you nothing but the best Eccles X

 

P.S. your name has made me hungry......I love Eccles cakes!

[burnt]

Your situation is definitely unusual in that all parties are well aware of his continual cheating on his wife.

 

Treating this as a "positive" thing,

what do you think about you trying to set up a meeting with all three of you and having an open conversation about how everyone feels, how everyone is affected, and how everyone's life's being shattered by it all?

 

Maybe if he sees in front of his face how his behavior is destroying two women's lives and if he has to face both women at the same time, it might create some sort of a real time self reflection that he is clearly not getting; he is running from you to be with her, and then running from her to be with you--and on and on goes the same cycle.

 

This conversation may not solve anything at all, but an open conversation might at least bring in some empathy, understanding, and hopefully generate enough strength for him to stop pulling you back in and you to find some modicum of strength to resist his pull next time.

 

I repeat, this will not solve anything, but at least this will be doing something instead of keep going on and on with the same cycle.

[Eccles]

Burnt - what an interesting suggestion, not one I had considered I must admit. I can't see how it would work as I can't see him (or his wife for that matter) staying calm enough! I have had some fairly long telephone conversations with her in the post (instigated by her, not me) which have varied in tone..! I can appreciate how you think it may help show him the damage that is caused by the cycle, and it is exactly the same one which just churns away month in month out!

I have gone NC from him which is successful so far (to a degree) but it is a start and is better than I have managed in the past. He is constantly sending me heartbroken messages though. I know I have to block him, and I will get there.

[anika99]

In the past the loss of some relationships have caused me a great deal of panic and anxiety as well. I think the feelings of panic at losing someone forever is rather common for many people. Probably some fear that is rooted somewhere in childhood. I was passed around to live with various people as a young kid, attended 13 different schools by the time I was 12 so in my case it's rather obvious where my abandonment issues came from but for others it's more difficult to pin down.

 

I wonder if perhaps you need to consider a different therapist as the one you're seeing seems to be encouraging you to give into your fear rather than face it. They are reinforcing your entirely false belief that you are too weak and helpless to walk away and choose a better life for yourself. As a result here you are, stuck and hopeless. Feeling anxious and panicky is a terrible feeling but it's just a feeling. I'm not minimizing how awful it is, I know how terrible it is first hand. I don't just feel panicky, I've had terrible panic attacks. So from experience I know it's a frightening experience but I also know that the more we allow those terrible feelings to just happen the weaker the feelings become. If you cut off the MM there will be horrible feelings initially but once you realize those feelings aren't the end of the world you will get stronger. The panicky anxiety will come and go but will also get weaker over time. You need a therapist who will help you through these feelings rather than help you avoid them.

[elaine567]

He may seem to be the weak one or the "depressed" one or the "heart broken" one but he has you all totally under his control.

He is the big fat spider sitting quiet and calm at the centre of his web whist everyone else is in hell. Everyone else is covered in spider silk, stuck where they do not want to be, fighting to get free but no matter how they struggle they get no where. He may need to spin a little more silk or adjust the tension of the web every now and again, but he knows his "flies" are going nowhere, so he can relax.