Blackout drunk and scared I cheated

[cousinbob22]

I met my boyfriend last August, he is the most amazing, funny, handsome man I have ever met. We are such a great match, we have so much in common, he is my best friend, my soulmate and love of my life…I would never even consider cheating in my fully aware/conscious mind!! Even if I was with someone I wasn’t happy with, I would never want to hurt someone - it’s against all of my morals.

 

A couple months after getting into a relationship with him, my friend and I decided to go out for some drinks, we were both upset/worried at the time about certain things and I guess we thought going out would take our minds of it. We went to a bar that I knew (we had already drank quite a lot before going here) and I bumped into a guy that I knew from a previous job (lets call him Bob). He was with his cousin and we all introduced ourselves and both of the guys knew my boyfriend.

 

We got drinks at the bar and we were chatting for a while about how I was messed around by my previous job (where he works) and somehow his cousin and my friend ended up dancing together/kissing. Me and ‘Bob’ carried on chatting at the bar and he ended up buying me a LOT of drinks/shots…

 

I remember us all dancing together and singing the words to the songs. Me and ‘Bob’ sat down talking on the sofas, we were sat quite close together so we could hear over the music. He began to be very flirty and ended up telling me that he really liked me ever since he met me. I remember saying that I was flattered etc and that he was a really nice guy but obviously I had a boyfriend (I remember saying this multiple times) he then said that he didn’t care. Then things go quite hazy…

 

I don’t remember anything from there apart from getting out of the taxi with my friend and ‘Bobs’ cousin back to our place (me and my friend lived together)

 

I woke up the next day in a panic and feeling very anxious and worried because I couldn’t remember the last couple hours of the evening (apart from getting out the taxi and walking through my door). I asked my friend if I had done anything because I remembered how flirty and full-on Bob had been. She told me that that he had been VERY flirty and when we were outside getting food before we went home, Bob kept touching my bum and her and Bob’s cousin had to keep interrupting to tell him that I had a boyfriend. She also said that I told him that I had a boyfriend and then apparently he finally backed off…

 

I had also received a message from Bob from the early hours of the morning (when he got back home) telling me how much of a great night he had and to let him know if I wanted to catch up again soon. This freaked me out because surely if I had been rejecting him all night, he wouldn’t have been so happy and want to meet with me again?

 

Later on in the day he messaged me again saying that he was very sorry for drunk texting me and said ‘apparently I had a good time haha’ (hinting that he didn’t remember sending it) and ‘thanks for putting up with me’ and went on to ask me how my friend and his cousin got on. I didn’t reply and about a month later he messaged me to tell me he was at the bar (that we saw each other in) and if I was out? I said no, and then he asked me if I was about during the holidays, because it would be ‘cool to catch up’ I told him that I wouldn’t be around and I haven’t heard from him since. This makes me wonder, what was it that he wanted to ‘catch up’ about seeing as we weren’t that great of friends before.

 

It has now been 9 months since this night and I still worry frequently that something happend between us. Even though my friend said she didn’t see anything, she was very drunk herself and may not have seen everything that happened when we were inside the bar. The main reason I am worried is because when I was with a previous partner, I ended up getting so drunk I didn’t remember the night and found out that I had kissed someone… (I was completely in love with my then-boyfriend and again, WOULD NEVER even contemplate doing anything like this if I was sober/in my right mind!!!)

 

Part of me wants to message Bob and ask him if anything actually happened that night, but another part of me doesn’t want to open a can of worms. If nothing has been said after all this time it either means that nothing happened… OR something did but no one saw/no one is going to say anything. Even though Bob’s cousin is friends with my boyfriend he obviously isn’t going to say anything because he wouldn’t want to get Bob in trouble. I’m scared that sometime in the near or far future I will bump into Bob and he will say something about it - I don’t know how I would be able to tell and hurt my best friend and have him very likely leave me.

 

Before anyone says - I KNOW I should not have got that drunk in the first place. I didn’t intend on blacking out and not remembering. At the time, I thought it was kind and great that someone kept buying me drinks/shots, and now looking back I realise how bad/creepy it looks and how irresponsible it was of me.

 

All I want is some advice and see what people think I should do. Should I quit worrying and leave things as they are and accept that my friend saw nothing and that Bob never mentioned anything the next day?

 

Thanks so much in advance.

[Space Ritual]

Wow,

 

You need to not put yourself into such positions.

 

There was a girl on this forum last year about this time who went to a graduation party,ended up hooking up with some random guy, even though she said she had a boyfriend.

 

Fast forward a little bit and she is pregnant, the random guy is the father and her boyfriend tried to make a go of it with her but taking care of another dud'es kid wasn't going to happen.

 

On top of that her family basically disowned her and at last writing I think she had a very tough pregnancy and a child who has some special physical needs and a baby daddy and family who are nowhere to be found.

 

Please do not use the alcohol excuse. It never holds up in the court of public opinion or legally . And from your story, it could easily be surmised you may have been slipped a Mickey and taken advantage of. A lot of people last year tried telling this other girl that she had been date raped. When in fact she finally admitted it was pretty much a ruse and she wasn't really wanting to take rsponsibility for her actions. Now she has a kid, a probable tough life and no support.

 

So think back if you can to the morning after.

 

1. Did you feel like you had been slipped a Mickey?

 

2. As gross as this may sound, it is also important. In your memory did you wake up with the physical feeling of having intercourse, did you wake up with your clothes on? Has your friend been able to tell you much more about that night?

 

The only thing that seems off is that the guy texted you and wanted to meet up again. It could have been that he thought he was getting somewhere with you, or did.

 

So in order for us to answer your questions without the responders getting into the thread jack parade, can you answer either of my questions from above? I ask because you may get a smattering of advice from all sides, like the gal last year. In the end, all the advice was totally poor because the OP of that thread left out crucial details that she only added after a huge thread jack and back and forth about rape. So please think very hard if you can back to that night.

 

Stuff like this is triggery for people so like anything else, take what you feel you need and leave the rest.

[cousinbob22]

Hi Space Ritual,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

1. I don't think I was 'slipped a Mickey', just that I had drank too much alcohol too quickly. Unfortunately this isn't the first time that I have had large chunks of nights out that I don't remember... It's strange because I can go large periods of times without ever going over my limit and feel in control, however occasionally I will have too much, end up blacking out and act very out of character. It's something I need to sort out.

 

2. I don't have any concerns about 'Bob' staying over and having sex with him. I vaguely remember him staying in the taxi when me, my friend and Bob's cousin came into our apartment. Plus I know that my friend would have 100% not have allowed it to happen!

 

I'm mainly worried that we might have kissed in the bar when no one was looking. I know that it's definitely not as big of a deal as sex but it's still cheating and I know that if it did happen my boyfriend would be incredibly upset, probably not trust me anymore and leave me. I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

[d0nnivain]

It's been 9 months & you weren't competent at the time. You don't remember. Your friend remembers Bob touching your bum & you telling Bob you had a BF. Your friend & Bob's own cousin also kept telling Bob you had a BF. You went home with your roommate / friend, not Bob.

 

 

Let yourself off the hook already. Conclude nothing happened & carry on.

 

 

Don't get so drunk again.

[misspalmy]

My saying is if you cant remerber then nothing happen, cos how would you know unless someone says. i would just put it behind you

[Blanco]

My saying is if you cant remerber then nothing happen, cos how would you know unless someone says. i would just put it behind you

 

Pretty dumb saying.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

His messages to you sounded like a guy who was a bit embarrassed by his drunken behavior and is awkwardly trying to impress you and show you that he is interested.

 

There is no hint of sexual innuendo or familiarity that might have suggested that anything happened between you. By all accounts, even when he did try putting the moves on, he was shut down by you (and his friend), reminding him that you have a boyfriend.

 

However, you also note that you have done this type of thing in the past. Seriously, what were you thinking? Have you learnt nothing from the last time? For your own sake, it is time to have a good honest look at yourself and how you handle alcohol.

 

The good news is unless you have some vague memory or flashbacks that you aren't sharing, I think it is likely that nothing happened between you and this guy, but that is small consolation if you are going to put yourself in the same situation again.

 

If you want to turn this negative into a positive, learn from this experience and don't put yourself in this type of situation again. If that means you can't trust yourself not to behave inappropriately when you drink, then don't do it.

 

Figuring out how to prevent this from ever happening again will be more productive than worrying about something that cannot be changed.

 

Lastly, if you truly value your relationship then do not communicate with that other guy again because no good will come from it.

[Space Ritual]

Hi Space Ritual,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

1. I don't think I was 'slipped a Mickey', just that I had drank too much alcohol too quickly. Unfortunately this isn't the first time that I have had large chunks of nights out that I don't remember... It's strange because I can go large periods of times without ever going over my limit and feel in control, however occasionally I will have too much, end up blacking out and act very out of character. It's something I need to sort out.

 

2. I don't have any concerns about 'Bob' staying over and having sex with him. I vaguely remember him staying in the taxi when me, my friend and Bob's cousin came into our apartment. Plus I know that my friend would have 100% not have allowed it to happen!

 

I'm mainly worried that we might have kissed in the bar when no one was looking. I know that it's definitely not as big of a deal as sex but it's still cheating and I know that if it did happen my boyfriend would be incredibly upset, probably not trust me anymore and leave me. I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

 

Based on your reply, I don't think you really have much to worry about. It may upset you that you don't remember, but I agree with Scarlett O'Hara about this guy's messages sounding more like he was testing the waters to see if you were pissed off at him, and hat he himself may have realized he was being a bit of a Cad and was just trying to find out what he exactly did.

 

I am pretty much an Absolutist when it comes to cheating, as in having a "Burn The Witches" mentality.

 

However.....

 

I have a feeling that if you did kiss him in the bar that your friend may have seen it. Since she did not say anything to confirm his, I would consider that since knowledge is totally incomplete that unless somebody comes knocking on your door about it, to let it go.

 

That being said, please do yourself a favor and please be more aware of your surroundings and your drinking. I am saying that as a recovering alcoholic/drug addict with well over 20 years of sobriety under his belt.

 

I did some really crazy stuff when I was using and drinking, like snorting

powdered Mescaline and running full speed into car windshields and bouncing off of them, waking up with cuts all over my hands and face and a crowbar and a cash register full of money in the backseat of my car with no idea how it got there...so I understand a bit about the blackout thing...lol

 

I used to go on benders hat lasted for a few days and would cringe at the stories people would tell me what the hell I was doing...so please be careful. There is a fine line between being a social drinker and a blackout binger.

[Arieswoman]

cousinbob22,

I think you should stop beating yourself up over this.

 

You made a mistake, you drank too much too quickly and had a blackout.

 

Learn from this and move forward.

[frigginlost]

As a guy reading his texts that he sent you...

 

Sounds like nothing happened. :-) What it sounds like is a guy that was wanting something to happen testing the waters to see if he could get you into the same position of many drinks and flirty fun with the hopes of closing the deal.

 

Go easy on yourself and put it behind you. If something happened, then this guy would be have been doing the full blown press on you within a week of it happening wanting it to happen again. His texts to you don't read that way.

[Superchicken]

What the hell ?.

You guys just missed the whole scene..

She wasn't drunk when she started talking to this guy, and then went into a quite area.

She wasn't drunk when this guys started to flirt harder, and knew it was getting out of hand.

She wasn't drunk to remember getting in the taxi.

 

 

Finally, someone drunk, relaxes that person, and brings out the true feelings and somewhat personality of that person.

So, she continued to flirt, all the while knowing the BF would be PISSED. Cause I would have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Superchicken

[Redhead14]

What the hell ?.

You guys just missed the whole scene..

She wasn't drunk when she started talking to this guy, and then went into a quite area.

She wasn't drunk when this guys started to flirt harder, and knew it was getting out of hand.

She wasn't drunk to remember getting in the taxi.

 

 

Finally, someone drunk, relaxes that person, and brings out the true feelings and somewhat personality of that person.

So, she continued to flirt, all the while knowing the BF would be PISSED. Cause I would have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

 

Exactly -- she was not drunk when she was setting the stage . . .

 

The issue isn't about possibly cheating with this guy, the issue is about allowing herself to end up in this position. She was aware of how much she had been drinking and she continued to drink and drink . . .

 

What's going to happen in the future when she's allowing herself to get so drunk again. You cannot use drinking as an excuse for behavior forever.

 

She needs to consider why she accepted and returned his flirting. She remembers that . . . What she is guilty of really is emotional cheating and she needs to evaluate why she has the need for attention from other men and evaluate whether her current relationship is meeting her needs.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Redhead14

[BaileyB]

My goodness, you really need to be more careful and not out yourself in such a dangerous position again. You were lucky this time... Next time, you may not be so lucky again.

[smackie9]

So this is the second time you have done something like this.....when are you ever going to learn?

 

Know your limit. You should NOT be focusing on what might have happened between you and Bob.....you should be more worried about your lack of ability to make responsible choices.

[usa1ah]

I met my boyfriend last August, he is the most amazing, funny, handsome man I have ever met. We are such a great match, we have so much in common, he is my best friend, my soulmate and love of my life…I would never even consider cheating in my fully aware/conscious mind!! Even if I was with someone I wasn’t happy with, I would never want to hurt someone - it’s against all of my morals.

 

A couple months after getting into a relationship with him, my friend and I decided to go out for some drinks, we were both upset/worried at the time about certain things and I guess we thought going out would take our minds of it. We went to a bar that I knew (we had already drank quite a lot before going here) and I bumped into a guy that I knew from a previous job (lets call him Bob). He was with his cousin and we all introduced ourselves and both of the guys knew my boyfriend.

 

We got drinks at the bar and we were chatting for a while about how I was messed around by my previous job (where he works) and somehow his cousin and my friend ended up dancing together/kissing. Me and ‘Bob’ carried on chatting at the bar and he ended up buying me a LOT of drinks/shots…

 

I remember us all dancing together and singing the words to the songs. Me and ‘Bob’ sat down talking on the sofas, we were sat quite close together so we could hear over the music. He began to be very flirty and ended up telling me that he really liked me ever since he met me. I remember saying that I was flattered etc and that he was a really nice guy but obviously I had a boyfriend (I remember saying this multiple times) he then said that he didn’t care. Then things go quite hazy…

 

I don’t remember anything from there apart from getting out of the taxi with my friend and ‘Bobs’ cousin back to our place (me and my friend lived together)

 

I woke up the next day in a panic and feeling very anxious and worried because I couldn’t remember the last couple hours of the evening (apart from getting out the taxi and walking through my door). I asked my friend if I had done anything because I remembered how flirty and full-on Bob had been. She told me that that he had been VERY flirty and when we were outside getting food before we went home, Bob kept touching my bum and her and Bob’s cousin had to keep interrupting to tell him that I had a boyfriend. She also said that I told him that I had a boyfriend and then apparently he finally backed off…

 

I had also received a message from Bob from the early hours of the morning (when he got back home) telling me how much of a great night he had and to let him know if I wanted to catch up again soon. This freaked me out because surely if I had been rejecting him all night, he wouldn’t have been so happy and want to meet with me again?

 

Later on in the day he messaged me again saying that he was very sorry for drunk texting me and said ‘apparently I had a good time haha’ (hinting that he didn’t remember sending it) and ‘thanks for putting up with me’ and went on to ask me how my friend and his cousin got on. I didn’t reply and about a month later he messaged me to tell me he was at the bar (that we saw each other in) and if I was out? I said no, and then he asked me if I was about during the holidays, because it would be ‘cool to catch up’ I told him that I wouldn’t be around and I haven’t heard from him since. This makes me wonder, what was it that he wanted to ‘catch up’ about seeing as we weren’t that great of friends before.

 

It has now been 9 months since this night and I still worry frequently that something happend between us. Even though my friend said she didn’t see anything, she was very drunk herself and may not have seen everything that happened when we were inside the bar. The main reason I am worried is because when I was with a previous partner, I ended up getting so drunk I didn’t remember the night and found out that I had kissed someone… (I was completely in love with my then-boyfriend and again, WOULD NEVER even contemplate doing anything like this if I was sober/in my right mind!!!)

 

Part of me wants to message Bob and ask him if anything actually happened that night, but another part of me doesn’t want to open a can of worms. If nothing has been said after all this time it either means that nothing happened… OR something did but no one saw/no one is going to say anything. Even though Bob’s cousin is friends with my boyfriend he obviously isn’t going to say anything because he wouldn’t want to get Bob in trouble. I’m scared that sometime in the near or far future I will bump into Bob and he will say something about it - I don’t know how I would be able to tell and hurt my best friend and have him very likely leave me.

 

Before anyone says - I KNOW I should not have got that drunk in the first place. I didn’t intend on blacking out and not remembering. At the time, I thought it was kind and great that someone kept buying me drinks/shots, and now looking back I realise how bad/creepy it looks and how irresponsible it was of me.

 

All I want is some advice and see what people think I should do. Should I quit worrying and leave things as they are and accept that my friend saw nothing and that Bob never mentioned anything the next day?

 

Thanks so much in advance.

 

 

Wow, I'm glad your friend was looking out for you.

 

I believe you dodged a bullet.

 

Just never put yourself in that situation again.

 

He keeps trying because a lot of girls unfortunately will give in and cheated. If you what send him a message stating that sense it is obvious that you don't respect my bf, myself and our relationship that the to of you are no longer friends. This is finial, never contact me again. Send this and block him on everything.

 

With what you have related, your friend watched out for you. I don't think you have to worry. He was still trying with the text.

 

PS guys give in as well. I was just referring to the situation.

[usa1ah]

Keep beating yourself up about it if it helps keep you from doing it again.

 

Actually, talk with your bf about this. It might help keep you from a repeat.

 

Be completely honest about not knowing what happened but that your gf was looking after you. Let him talk to her about the details.

Edited July 11, 2017 by usa1ah

[introverted1]

Unfortunately this isn't the first time that I have had large chunks of nights out that I don't remember...

 

You have a drinking problem.

[Arieswoman]

cousinbob,

 

Unfortunately this isn't the first time that I have had large chunks of nights out that I don't remember...

 

I missed this ^^^ from your post #3.

 

You need to get a grip on this because you are putting yourself in danger with this behaviour.

 

Retiring judge warns women who get drunk they are putting themselves in danger of being targeted by rapists

[smackie9]

No she doesn't have a drinking problem....she has a problem with drinking.

[cousinbob22]

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread.

 

I definitely agree with smackie9 that I don't have a drinking problem... but is clear to see that I have a problem with drinking.

 

I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about this and can't shake off this guilty feeling (even though I don't know the 100% truth of what happened) It's making me so anxious. I hate keeping this worry from my boyfriend, we said that we would be honest with eachother no matter what. However I just think that if I bring it up now after all these months it's going to worry him.

 

Basically I'm still having trouble letting this go and it's killing me not knowing. I feel like my relationship is a ticking timebomb until one day I find out the truth and i'm just so terrified of the possibility of loosing him because I love him so much.

 

I don't know what to do

[Redhead14]

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread.

 

I definitely agree with smackie9 that I don't have a drinking problem... but is clear to see that I have a problem with drinking.

 

I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about this and can't shake off this guilty feeling (even though I don't know the 100% truth of what happened) It's making me so anxious. I hate keeping this worry from my boyfriend, we said that we would be honest with eachother no matter what. However I just think that if I bring it up now after all these months it's going to worry him.

 

Basically I'm still having trouble letting this go and it's killing me not knowing. I feel like my relationship is a ticking timebomb until one day I find out the truth and i'm just so terrified of the possibility of loosing him because I love him so much.

 

I don't know what to do

 

These are the consequences of your behavior . . . the only thing you can do now is feel this and feel it hard and don't ever put yourself in that kind of position again.

 

I'm glad you have a conscience at least and fretting is your punishment, so to speak. Frankly, since you have been feeling this guilty for so long, I'd take the "truth shall set you free stance" -- tell him the whole story and let the chips fall where they may. Let him decide for himself. You need to apologize, fully demonstrate that you understand exactly what you are apologizing for (which is the fact that you put yourself in a bad spot when you were drinking heavily) and then tell him what you plan to do to prevent that from ever happening again. Accepting consequences for behavior is the first step to emotional maturity and insight.

 

The fact that you are feeling so guilty and waiting for the other shoe to drop, you will sabotage the relationship in other ways. The truth of that experience may never surface, but the collateral damage will undermine the relationship anyway. If he's really tuned in and this continues to build inside of you, he will know something is wrong somewhere along the line. When someone makes a mistake, it's better for the offended party, if that person comes clean on their own accord rather than having it come to light some other way.

 

The times when my children came to me with their problems and mistakes with a sorrowful/remorseful heart, were the times when I would let the consequences of the offense take their toll on them and exercise a less difficult, let's say, tool of discipline -- grounding, take away phone, etc and for how long. But, if I found out another way, they would bear the full brunt of the household disciplinary policy. I know that sounds "mechanical", but it was a simply a matter of being consistent with discipline. My point is, he may take it better if you tell him rather than have him feel that you are withdrawing or walking on eggshells all the time. I always knew when my kids were hiding something from me -- always. They stopped doing that eventually and sometimes I found out more than I really wanted to know

Edited July 12, 2017 by Redhead14

[frigginlost]

The times when my children came to me with their problems and mistakes with a sorrowful/remorseful heart, were the times when I would let the consequences of the offense take their toll on them and exercise a less difficult, let's say, tool of discipline -- grounding, take away phone, etc and for how long. But, if I found out another way, they would bear the full brunt of the household disciplinary policy. I know that sounds "mechanical", but it was a simply a matter of being consistent with discipline. My point is, he may take it better if you tell him rather than have him feel that you are withdrawing or walking on eggshells all the time. I always knew when my kids were hiding something from me -- always. They stopped doing that eventually and sometimes I found out more than I really wanted to know

 

Outstanding stuff right there!

 

As a child my parents told me two things: Don't ever lie to us as whatever the problem is we can work through it, and if you do lie to us and we find out by other means, the punishment will be 5 times worse than it would have been.

 

It built a bond of trust with them that was never shaken. My sisters and I could go to them with anything.

[stillafool]

Why don't you just ask the guy if anything happened that night so you will know for sure? After you do that do not drink alcohol again because you can't handle it if you have been black out drunk more than once. You don't know when to stop.

[smackie9]

Like the old saying goes....curiosity killed the cat. Just don't go there.....let it be, you worry for not.

[drifter777]

Why are you feeling so guilty? You would know if you had sex with the guy - trust me. Forget about this & move on unless you know that more happened than you are admitting.