D-Day Happened - Affair Over - Completely Shocked & Devastated

[jenkins95]

Lots of judges would chastise what this BS did. You don't drag kids that young into adult situations. Not ever.

 

Whilst I agree that he didn't deal with it well, he certainly didn't strike the first blow against his marriage - that's on his wife. Hurt and devastate someone like that and you can't predict how they may react.

[Midwestmissy]

Whilst I agree that he didn't deal with it well, he certainly didn't strike the first blow against his marriage - that's on his wife. Hurt and devastate someone like that and you can't predict how they may react.

 

Agreed - people who think they can control outcomes are sorely mistaken. My children read emails on my computer which was the family computer as well. I wish I'd been able to tell them instead of their finding out that way. Regardless, they lost respect for their dad, who remained calm, while I lost it. It's forever changed the relationships they had with him. His lies and cheating changed them - not the truth, not my reaction.

 

He thought he could have an affair without consequences, that he was in control of all of it and no one would be affected. Perhaps she did too. But two liars did not make a good team, and a sense of control was part of the fantasy.

[goodyblue]

Whilst I agree that he didn't deal with it well, he certainly didn't strike the first blow against his marriage - that's on his wife. Hurt and devastate someone like that and you can't predict how they may react.

 

I agree. She struck the first blow on the marriage. That doesn't give anyone the right to use those kids by throwing them in the mix. I can't imagine the damage THAT would cause.

 

If someone did that to me I would be doing damage control, trying to protect t my kids from dealing with an adult situation.

 

I don't care what anyone says, putting your kids in the line of fire is messed up. Abusive.

 

There are reasons children are not treated as adults. They aren't capable of dealing with adult situations and if you try to make them that makes you a bad parent

[QuestioningSoul]

We can argue that the BH shouldn't have told their children. Is anyone sure that he actually did? Or are we taking the word of a proven liar, who just got caught, her world is imploding around her, she's doing damage control, and may be lying to OP so that he doesn't hate her too? Most waywards are pretty conflict avoidant. Would it be better for her to say "I'd run to you right now if he didn't tell our children", or "thanks for the fun distraction to my boring routine, but now I'm done with you and going to work this out with my husband, so see ya!"

 

Sounds like she's a fairly good manipulator.

[Steen719]

Guys and girls...

 

Listen, unless you have been through it yourself, and you did nothing wrong, it is not really right to say what the husband should or should not have done.

 

When people find out that their spouse is having and affair, THEY LOSE THEIR MIND!!!

 

I did and lots of other guys did. If you all have felt that level of pain, first hand, and unless you are some type of supper person, and super in control of all your emotions, it is not really valid for you to comment.

 

I lost my mind and was more angry then I had ever been in my entire life. One step past where I was at, and I would have killed my wife. I would have spent the rest of my life in jail.

 

So lets get off of the husband for how he handled it.

 

To OP, just like most of the OW's on this site. She used you, she was never going to be with you, you were her toy.

 

No matter what she said...

 

OR...did he even REALLY tell the kids? She is a liar and trying to still hedge her bets..oh honey, I would be with you, but the big mean BH has told the kids and now I can't leave. Horse hockey. Even if it is true and he told them, SHE is the person who created this mess. No victims in an affair in just ridiculous. Too damn bad people don't think about that before they start it up. Personally, I think the children are too young to be told, but I would not jump on him for it. I understand that pain and once again - who knows IF he really told them or it is just another excuse she comes up with?

 

The one thing I learned with my XH's affairs is that a person who is cheating on you (and with you - yes, he lied to her, too) will lie about - well, whatever suits them.

 

OP, move on and choose better next time. Choose an unmarried person who doesn't betray the one person whose back they should have. She is no prize. And you did not win her. Sometime in the future you will see that you escaped an uncertain and mistrustful future with her. As someone else said - spare a thought for the BH. That could have been be the future you. Now, how would that feel?

[sandylee1]

Telling or not telling your children is an individual decision. It's not black and white as those in affairs love to say.

 

The kids got dragged in when she opened up ship for another man. End of!

 

If you want to protect your children, you don't cheat on their mother or father in because this is going to impact them and have a knock on effect.

 

Actions have consequences. One action of cheating when you have children is that they could find out, however they do and loose respect and love for you. That's the risk you take.

 

If my husband told our child I was having an affair, I can't be surprised if they hate me at that moment. I might get angry with him, but ultimately I have only myself to blame.

 

My actions will have made them feel insecure, with the thought that we'll get divorced.

 

If you're a parent and step outside your marriage, you ought to take 100% of the responsibility for the impact on your children.

 

Anything less than just shows more of the same selfishness.

[goodyblue]

Telling or not telling your children is an individual decision. It's not black and white as those in affairs love to say.

 

The kids got dragged in when she opened up ship for another man. End of!

 

If you want to protect your children, you don't cheat on their mother or father in because this is going to impact them and have a knock on effect.

 

Actions have consequences. One action of cheating when you have children is that they could find out, however they do and loose respect and love for you. That's the risk you take.

 

If my husband told our child I was having an affair, I can't be surprised if they hate me at that moment. I might get angry with him, but ultimately I have only myself to blame.

 

My actions will have made them feel insecure, with the thought that we'll get divorced.

 

If you're a parent and step outside your marriage, you ought to take 100% of the responsibility for the impact on your children.

 

Anything less than just shows more of the same selfishness.

 

It is one thing to cheat on an adult, and we can all agree it is a sh*tty thing to do. It kids are NOT married to you. If YOU as a BS pull them in, that's on you. And prepare for the door to be open for your spouse to tell the kids whatever they like about your adult relationship. Like, if you are frigid, or are on antidepressants or a drug addict, whatever the case may be.

 

If that is what you want for your kids fine, but mine will never be privy to adult issues because they are not equipped.

 

Make all the excuses you want, if YOU drag in the kids, you SUCK as a parent. End of.

Edited July 14, 2017 by goodyblue

[whichwayisup]

.the husband has been dragging their young children (11, 8 & 6) into this to try & turn them against her...& of course me. Anyway, she went on to tell me that she loves me very much & if he didn't drag the children into this she would be running to me right now.

 

Did you believe that their young children would accept you? Especially so soon after their kids having to go through a divorce? No way is that healthy thinking on your behalf, no kid is going to accept a new partner right away.

[misspalmy]

for me i told his wife, he would talk to me,

 

for you i think maybe her man may have found out it sounds like it.

[Miss Clavel]

my orphans knew, because their father stopped coming home after he took up with his "soulmate".

 

they saw me cry for 9 days, non stop. he left me alone with them in my condition, the condition he caused.

 

not only did he disappear, he took all our valuables with him. they saw me frantically driving all over town, to the bank, the safety deposit box and our accountant, only to come up empty. including finding out that not only was there no money, i owed the bank for an over draft and three months mortgage.

 

even wonder woman can't hide that kind of PTSD.

 

they know because my husband and his "girlfriend" tried to take my kids, behind my back, over to their love nest. not to mention the times they came to the children's' school functions and tried to accost them in the hall way while i was somewhere else.

 

my then husband's "soulmate" knew he loved his children and she wanted to get her hands on them and shove me murdered and broke in the road, in time for the bus she was driving to finish me off.

 

the children knew they would never meet daddy's new love, i told them. when they asked me why i told them the truth, your father and his "friend" are liars, cheaters and thieves and therefore not fit company for children.

 

what i did was wrong, i destroyed the trust they had in their father. period. and if it wasn't illegal, it was certainly immoral.

 

i take responsibility.

 

all i can say is that they started it, and i finished it. i enjoyed it.

 

guilty.

 

i don't think children should be brought into any discussion of where their father puts his penis. it's not their business.

 

if he makes it their business, he will lose them. and it's their loss, the loss of their security, their HOME.

 

i have to say that my ex and his lover didn't not stay together and that's my fault too. once i removed my self from their triangle most of the thrill of their true love was gone. no more thrill of illicit meetings and clandestine plots. after all, if you're not laying around plotting murder, when it's just the two of you, face to face with what you've done, what's left?

 

his lover wanted him, she did everything she could to get him and my children. tough **** that i used whatever i had including them to prevent her from robbing me, because that's what it was, robbery, of my husband, his paycheck, my house , my life's work-my children.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[elaine567]

I think most kids are pretty savvy these days and I guess that it is maybe better they know the full story and can deal with it rather than worry themselves to death over why Daddy is so angry and Mommy seems to be in a different world sobbing her heart out every night.

Kids know when things are not good, no amount of "pretence for the kids" will fool them.

Maybe long ago, some kids were in a cotton wool bubble, but not now.

I guess the 6 year old could tell you all about divorce, cheating and any other "life" event you care to mention, as he/she probably learned it all from soaps, the internet and his/her little friends.

[aileD]

It doesn't even matter what he or they do with their kids. It's none of your business. Get out of their life, let their family deal with their family.

[Jersey born raised]

No you did not destroy the relationship with their father you and she did it. Would you have them living a lie ? That their fathers actions are perfectly health and normal? That this is what a marriage consist of? That this is what their marriage will be. What ever happened to being truthfull? Of letting people make decisions based on facts.

 

The right way to expose does need to be handled carefully. Words that demean cannot be used but the facts be stated carefully. Your mother has meant a man and had absent herself from the marriage to see him as a boyfriend. At this time unless she and her boyfriend are considering forming a new family with him as a stepfather. This will mean you will spend time at their new home and with my new home. You need to understand both your mother and I have issues with each other. These are ours to discuss and possibly work out. If she stops seeing her boyfriend and commints to resolving our joint issues we might still save the marriage. If not we will divorce.

 

OP you could have been a friend to her marriage, instead you chose to help her destroy it for your own benefit. What did you think would happen her and her kids would live happly everafter with new and better dad Ver2.1?

[OneLov]

The right way to expose does need to be handled carefully. Words that demean cannot be used but the facts be stated carefully. Your mother has meant a man and had absent herself from the marriage to see him as a boyfriend. At this time unless she and her boyfriend are considering forming a new family with him as a stepfather. This will mean you will spend time at their new home and with my new home. You need to understand both your mother and I have issues with each other. These are ours to discuss and possibly work out. If she stops seeing her boyfriend and commints to resolving our joint issues we might still save the marriage. If not we will divorce.

 

I agree things need to be told to children carefully and the above is horribly vexatious. You can be truthful without willfully causing worry and uncertainty. With all due respect, the above communication accomplishes nothing but creating anxiety. Why would you scare children like that?

 

If a parent lost a job, would you tell children of that age that they may be living out on the street? They may have to change schools and their friends? And finish with, "or (daddy/mommy) may get a new job, and you have nothing to worry about." And let them know that only time will tell. Really?

 

My whole point is if you choose to be honest with them about adult issues, do so without being sensational. That includes not saying things that are untrue such as "At this time unless she and her boyfriend are considering forming a new family with him as a stepfather." According to the OP, that is simply not true. At this time his AP is choosing the marriage. Saying it as truth is fearmongering.

 

Isn't the lesson in Henny Penny/Chicken Little that inciting panic can have unintentional negative consequences?

Edited July 17, 2017 by OneLov

[Space Ritual]

The fact of the matter is that The OP and his affair partner involved the children THE SECOND they began engaging in the affair.

 

These are consequences of the cheater's actions. Just like cheaters fail to truly take the consequences into consideration, The Betrayed husband, if indeed he did inform the kids, is operating from a point of hurt. And at that point, betrayeds are liable to do anything.

 

Since there rally is no Blueprint for how betrayeds are supposed to act when they

discover infidelity.

 

You are all concentrating on the wrong thing. The two affair partners made choices that were bound to affect other people, and did so without truly considering the the possibility of the consequences coming to fruition. The BH is simply dealing with this nuclear bomb that was dropped on his life in perhaps the only way he can right now. He had no control over the affair.

 

So just because you had an affair and got busted, it does not give you first choice on how exposure is handled by a betrayed.

 

Incidentally I am a victim not only of infidelity, but a victim of my own terrible choices upon discovering the infidelity when I walked in on it in progress in my bed. So if OP is upset that the children have been told, he should consider himself lucky that is the extent of the damage received other than getting thrown under the bus by a regretful AP that only regrets she got caught.

 

I do have some empathy for cheaters as the are human and not infallible. But I have no empathy for such blameshifting as to wonder aloud about how someone was delivered the news when they never thought about the consequences of their own actions that the delivered news originated from.

 

Pull your head out of your ass, OP. You and the chick brought all of it on yourself. Now you are being paid back in a currency you do not understand because it is easier to buy on credit than to pony up when the bill comes due.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Space Ritual

[elaine567]

The fact of the matter is that The OP and his affair partner involved the children THE SECOND they began engaging in the affair.

 

That fact seems to totally escape all in affairs.

There appears to be no thought whatsoever for their poor innocent children and the devastation that will be wreaked in their lives.

[goodyblue]

That fact seems to totally escape all in affairs.

There appears to be no thought whatsoever for their poor innocent children and the devastation that will be wreaked in their lives.

 

I am not sure this is exactly accurate. For example, when we were in our A there was much discussion on the impact it would have on his kids and mine as well. We talked about emotional ramifications, social issues surrounding them, judgements, all kinds of things.

 

The one we worried about least, if I am completely honest, was.the BS. My H felt so betrayed by the things that had gone on in their marriage that he just did not care about her feelings at all. I think I worried about her more than he did.

[confusedbutterfly]

Telling or not telling your children is an individual decision. It's not black and white as those in affairs love to say.

 

Actions have consequences.

 

If you're a parent and step outside your marriage, you ought to take 100% of the responsibility for the impact on your children.

 

Anything less than just shows more of the same selfishness.

 

^^^^^ Yes!!!

 

The choice to tell your children is personal and what works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for everyone. I do agree that the cheating spouse needs to accept all of the responsibility with regards to the impact on the children but I feel that if he told them, the hurt was deliberate. When my BH found out, he took issue with me and only me, not our children. He decided against telling them. After discussing with him over the first few nights, we needed to make sure our kids were fully aware that we were having troubles and working thru them. We didn't sugar coat anything but he also didn't come out and tell them I stepped out on him.

 

I struggle sometimes with wanting to tell my oldest (13) the truth and let her understand and ask questions and get angry with me if she needs to. It's the guilt and shame as I continue to understand and work on myself.

 

Yes the MW lied and cheated, but we've all lied at some point in our lives. No one is perfect and I'd be hard pressed to believe ANYONE that claims that they are. Do we know for sure her BH told their children? No we don't know that for sure. If he did, then he needs to own the hurt in his own way as she has to own 100% for introducing the affair into their family element. We can not control every event and situation in our lives and sometimes are powerless against them...we CAN however control how we react to these situations. He may have been hurt and betrayed but his reaction to this was STILL a choice.

 

And not all affairs go on without thought of the impact to the children involved. My exMM and I discussed our kids often and the impact it would have if we were found out and our affair was brought out into the open. For us, it was something we were concerned with. But our relationship wasn't solely based on sex either.