Putting all eggs into one basket-regarding girls

[King Bowls]

I'm paying dearly now for doing this, for falling hard yet again as for girls I have crushes on. When this goes on in my life, this is all I can think about.

 

And what's even worse, I've never even met her! My logic is telling me all the time that she's probably not anything like how I want or expect, that that .01% chance that she is is the driving force.

 

This has been going on for months mentally, but it's worse now than ever regarding the constant anxiety and uncertainty, and the thought she'll probably end up with someone else (while I'm helpless miles and miles away) is hurtful. And yes, it's the German girl.

 

The anxiety and worry is coming from the fact that the possibility of this ever becoming anything hinges on my brother. Because he added her on FB after she declined me and she messaged him asking if she knew him. That conversation was short-lasted, then after about a couple of months, I told him to message her again last Friday. They talked a little about small stuff and my brother mentioned me a couple of times. She has not replied since yesterday.

 

How does one make this better?

[tetrahedral]

Question OP, have you ever been in a relationship? If so, for how long?

[King Bowls]

Question OP, have you ever been in a relationship? If so, for how long?

 

Never have been. I've talked to several girls and more over the years. I know I'm a good looking guy and at the moment I have the body of Thor, but that doesn't mean crap. I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and always want what I can't have.

 

Again, the thought she'll be with another guy at some point in time makes me sick to my stomach.

[tetrahedral]

Never have been. I've talked to several girls and more over the years. I know I'm a good looking guy and at the moment I have the body of Thor, but that doesn't mean crap. I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and always want what I can't have.

 

Again, the thought she'll be with another guy at some point in time makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I figured.

 

The notion that particular people are in some way "meant for you", takes experience to be disabused of.

 

You start dating one of these people you were so sure that you were meant to be with, and you realize it sucks, or you don't have much in common, or whatever.

 

I know it's easier said than done but don't put the cart before the horse. When girls want to be with you, they'll make it obvious enough. Trust me.

[King Bowls]

I figured.

 

The notion that particular people are in some way "meant for you", takes experience to be disabused of.

 

You start dating one of these people you were so sure that you were meant to be with, and you realize it sucks, or you don't have much in common, or whatever.

 

I know it's easier said than done but don't put the cart before the horse. When girls want to be with you, they'll make it obvious enough. Trust me.

 

 

You're right, that's what I constantly try to tel and reason to myself. But I can't stop thinking about her (despite the fact I have never met her, or even seen her).

 

Everytime someone says "German" or "Germany" (either in conversation, on tv, really anywhere) I get butterflies in my stomach, and I get the feeling I'm missing out on something. And because I'm a big music guy, I have somehow been associating songs with her. I get embarrassed when those songs come on my iheart radio and think about her, even though no one can read into my mind.

 

I'm also always thinking of fantasy scenarios of how things would go if she came over to my house to swim, or if she by some chance needed a family to provide a home in Texas, how it would all go.

 

I try to convince myself to take this as nothing but a big joke, and not to be taken seriously, but in the end it doesn't matter.

[SammySammy]

Socialize with several women. Always.

 

Get to know them. They are never all alike. They have different interests. Different schedules. Then, match interests. If one likes baseball, go to baseball games with her. If one likes opera, go to the opera with her. If one likes hiking, antique shopping, ... whatever. You get the picture. Keeps things varied and interesting.

 

The key to this is knowing your limits. The maximum number I've been able to be reasonably involved with is seven. Five or six is usually better for me. And ... don't lie. Don't duck, dodge, or try to hide that you have an active social life with more than one woman. Even if you're intimate with more than one. You don't have to go into detail or compare, but don't lie. Be safe and let the women decide if they want to stick around. You'll be surprised how many might if you're honest.

 

Anyway, that's how you keep from getting oneitis. Until it's time to commit - and, to me, commit means marriage - always have more than one interest.

Edited July 11, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[King Bowls]

Socialize with several women. Always.

 

Get to know them. They are never all alike. They have different interests. Different schedules. Then, match interests. If one likes baseball, go to baseball games with her. If one likes opera, go to the opera with her. If one likes hiking, antique shopping, ... whatever. You get the picture. Keeps things varied and interesting.

 

The key to this is knowing your limits. The maximum number I've been able to be reasonably involved with is seven. Five or six is usually better for me. And ... don't lie. Don't duck, dodge, or try to hide that you have an active social life with more than one woman. Even if you're intimate with more than one. You don't have to go into detail or compare, but don't lie. Be safe and let the women decide if they want to stick around. You'll be surprised how many might if you're honest.

 

Anyway, that's how you keep from getting oneitis. Until it's time to commit - and, to me, commit means marriage - always have more than one interest.

 

Well I talk to two other girls from school through texting and snapchat, and then one everyone once in a while on a dating site. But I don't have feelings (I hate that word) for them. If they decided to not talk to me anymore, I wouldn't feel a loss.

 

Right now, I feel like I've lost out on this girl because she has stopped responding to me brother. I will forever wonder how I could have done this better.

 

I'll keep trying to meet girls, though. I'll start school in late August on the lookout. It's going to be difficult to just let go of this.

[knabe]

This may sound odd, but get a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Every time you think about German girl, snap it - hard. it really does work.

[King Bowls]

This may sound odd, but get a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Every time you think about German girl, snap it - hard. it really does work.

 

I like the reasoning behind it, only thing is, I may exposed bone when I'm done

[Jethro]

So let me get this straight.. you are young (I'm assuming), good looking and in great shape, and you are getting crushed by a certain chick? Good god man, get out there and start smashing some pussy. Don't let one girl control you. Get some strange and then the next night- get something stranger. Rinse and repeat. You never know what is going on in a certain persons head, so don't fixate on her. It's counter-productive. Don't put anyone on a pedistal until they earn the right to be there.

[King Bowls]

So let me get this straight.. you are young (I'm assuming), good looking and in great shape, and you are getting crushed by a certain chick? Good god man, get out there and start smashing some pussy. Don't let one girl control you. Get some strange and then the next night- get something stranger. Rinse and repeat. You never know what is going on in a certain persons head, so don't fixate on her. It's counter-productive. Don't put anyone on a pedistal until they earn the right to be there.

 

That is correct, I've been training at a decent level since the start of summer. I consider myself an intellectual, but my previous (and recent) threads may say otherwise.

 

As far as getting girls, I've got one friend who's a girl at the moment who I can get it on with anytime I want to. I haven't yet, because there are certain things about her that are a turnoff, like the smell of curry, for example.

 

On a particular dating site, there's a couple of women I've talked to who may be interested (and very likely are).

 

Last summer, I did it for the first time (it was actually this day last year!). But, I don't know if all of this sex would heal the bleeding left behind of the thought that this girl will eventually have sex with a guy thats NOT me.

[King Bowls]

So let me get this straight.. you are young (I'm assuming), good looking and in great shape, and you are getting crushed by a certain chick? Good god man, get out there and start smashing some pussy. Don't let one girl control you. Get some strange and then the next night- get something stranger. Rinse and repeat. You never know what is going on in a certain persons head, so don't fixate on her. It's counter-productive. Don't put anyone on a pedistal until they earn the right to be there.

 

I'll go further since I missed the last sentence there.

 

You're totally right about putting girls on pedestals, it's a bad thing to do. I'm wired to do it, and I say it because in my entire life history (all 23 years, lol) every girl I have had a major crush on, they are all I can think about. And if it doesn't work out, which it NEVER has, then it ends up being a heavy blow.

 

The one from 5 years ago was the first to make me, sad I guess (I don't really care for that word). Because it left me wondering, what the hell did I do wrong? It didn't make sense. Sense then, things don't bother me quite like that. But, I'm just an obsessive person. Not just about girls, but really anything. I get hooked, go through a phase and learn everything I can, then kick it to the curb.

[Jethro]

Well, women are just about the worst thing to obsess about. Or people I should say, it's not gender specific. Humans are unpredictable and unreliable. You have no idea what is going on in thier head. And don't think that women don't pick up on your obssesion either... they do. And it's a huge turn off. If you want something to happen with this girl, ask her out on a date and let her know you are attracted to her. If she reciprocates then pursue it. SIMPLE. If she doesn't, move on to the next one. SIMPLE. Relationships should be fun, not heartbreaking.

[King Bowls]

Well, women are just about the worst thing to obsess about. Or people I should say, it's not gender specific. Humans are unpredictable and unreliable. You have no idea what is going on in thier head. And don't think that women don't pick up on your obssesion either... they do. And it's a huge turn off. If you want something to happen with this girl, ask her out on a date and let her know you are attracted to her. If she reciprocates then pursue it. SIMPLE. If she doesn't, move on to the next one. SIMPLE. Relationships should be fun, not heartbreaking.

 

This is probably where you say I'm crazy, weird, out of my mind, living a fantasy, etc., but I have never met her. This is the physcological part that even makes me wonder.

[King Bowls]

Has anyone here been through something just like this? I'll just say this, she is missing out, and I'm almost certain this would be in my favor if she met me in person.

[SammySammy]

Has anyone here been through something just like this? I'll just say this, she is missing out, and I'm almost certain this would be in my favor if she met me in person.

 

In your favor. That sounds selfish.

 

Maybe she's doing what's best for her.

 

Does she know you're gay?

[King Bowls]

In your favor. That sounds selfish.

 

Maybe she's doing what's best for her.

 

Does she know you're gay?

 

1. I don't mean it to be selfish, I'm just thinking positively. I think one can safely say that in-person attempts almost always trumps online-attempts at meeting someone. Meeting them in person will certainly bring a different result rather than trying Facebook messaging, Instagram, etc.

 

2. Maybe so. It's logical to not be interested in talking to (or friending on Facebook) because she doesn't know me, or my brother. Again, if we met in person, I would think the results would be at least a little better.

 

3. I am not gay. Worst case, I'm bi, being 90% women (or more) and 10% or less for men. And I would never date a guy, ever. So there's that.

[SammySammy]

1. I don't mean it to be selfish, I'm just thinking positively. I think one can safely say that in-person attempts almost always trumps online-attempts at meeting someone. Meeting them in person will certainly bring a different result rather than trying Facebook messaging, Instagram, etc.

 

2. Maybe so. It's logical to not be interested in talking to (or friending on Facebook) because she doesn't know me, or my brother. Again, if we met in person, I would think the results would be at least a little better.

 

3. I am not gay. Worst case, I'm bi, being 90% women (or more) and 10% or less for men. And I would never date a guy, ever. So there's that.

 

Okay. Bisexual. I was just wondering if that could be a reason she's not meeting you. May be unfair, but it's something to consider.

 

I do agree meeting in person gives a different vibe and increases your chance for success. That's why I don't do OLD. Prefer to meet people as I go about my daily life. Works better for me.

 

I still think you should move around. See other people. You're in college! Now is not the time to be hung up on one girl.

[King Bowls]

Okay. Bisexual. I was just wondering if that could be a reason she's not meeting you. May be unfair, but it's something to consider.

 

I do agree meeting in person gives a different vibe and increases your chance for success. That's why I don't do OLD. Prefer to meet people as I go about my daily life. Works better for me.

 

I still think you should move around. See other people. You're in college! Now is not the time to be hung up on one girl.

 

Well she's only "encountered" me once, and that was my one and only Facebook friend request to her. My brother then sent her a request, and they've had two short but drawn out conversations (basically one reply a day for about a week). My brother was trying to get my name involved. And how they got to messaging was due to her messaging him first after he sent her a request, she said, "hey, do I know you?" After that, it was a meaningless conversation.

 

I'm trying to see other people and have talked to quite a few girls, but I can't let go of this one. I think about her every day, all the time. It makes me anxious, excited, stressed, sometimes even angry. I've dedicated songs to her (songs by Metallica, village people, KC and the sunshine band, and Prince) in my mind. Sure it's weird, but I'm very much into doing that with music.

[gaius]

I would just accept that for now you don't really want any kind of real relationship. Don't fight it, fantasize all you want, continue exploring yourself, your desires and fantasies and when you're ready you'll naturally gravitate towards someone that's available.

[preraph]

I used to get obsessive crushes, but it was at least with someone I'd met and talked to, and it still wasn't healthy and was often a waste of time. To crush on someone in a different country that you've never met is NUTS. It's a huge waste of your young fit body.

 

I think there's some reason you only fall for those you can't possibly get and maybe you're afraid of a real face-to-face relationship so you just have these couple of scenarios in mind where you could function, as you say, where she's in a position to be beholden to you for a favor, which I have to say is pretty specific and telling. Even if that WERE the case, she'd STILL have to like you and be attracted to you and you'd still have to have something in common (unlikely since she's from Germany) for anything to come even of your fantasy scenario. A woman isn't going to fall for you just because she's in a bind, frankly. So this tells me that regardless how highly you rate your body, etc., you actually have crap self-esteem because you are hoping some woman will be disadvantaged enough to be so grateful for you that she's falls in love. That's just a bad movie.

 

You may also have such bad self-esteem that you feel you have to "keep up with the Joneses" and have status symbol type things and basically live above your means in order to feel equal to others.

 

I do think a psychologist would probably find something worthwhile that it might be worth your time and money and get you out of this lonely rut you're in. You do sound like someone who at least has some ambition and seems nice and also attractive, but something deep down is holding you back and it would probably make the rest of your life go better to just find out what it is, why this is the only way you can envision romance.

[King Bowls]

I used to get obsessive crushes, but it was at least with someone I'd met and talked to, and it still wasn't healthy and was often a waste of time. To crush on someone in a different country that you've never met is NUTS. It's a huge waste of your young fit body.

 

I think there's some reason you only fall for those you can't possibly get and maybe you're afraid of a real face-to-face relationship so you just have these couple of scenarios in mind where you could function, as you say, where she's in a position to be beholden to you for a favor, which I have to say is pretty specific and telling. Even if that WERE the case, she'd STILL have to like you and be attracted to you and you'd still have to have something in common (unlikely since she's from Germany) for anything to come even of your fantasy scenario. A woman isn't going to fall for you just because she's in a bind, frankly. So this tells me that regardless how highly you rate your body, etc., you actually have crap self-esteem because you are hoping some woman will be disadvantaged enough to be so grateful for you that she's falls in love. That's just a bad movie.

 

You may also have such bad self-esteem that you feel you have to "keep up with the Joneses" and have status symbol type things and basically live above your means in order to feel equal to others.

 

I do think a psychologist would probably find something worthwhile that it might be worth your time and money and get you out of this lonely rut you're in. You do sound like someone who at least has some ambition and seems nice and also attractive, but something deep down is holding you back and it would probably make the rest of your life go better to just find out what it is, why this is the only way you can envision romance.

 

I didn't see this post until now

 

I certainly have no shortage of ambition, as I have aspirations to be a strength athlete, an intellectual giant, a scholar, and become rich one day. I have progress on all of these things. I want to be mentally and physically great.

This is another conversation though.

 

It probably is a self-esteem problem. I still can't seem to let go of it, but I've been laughing more of it off recently.

 

And yes, what I'm doing is crazy. I've accepted it. I've thought about going to get help, and I know of a physiologist who I've gone to before. But I felt there's a chance she could see the problem as "easy fix" and "odd" and a waste of time-type subject.

 

I don't have an issue with face to face relationships (I mean, I've had multiple friends who are girls) and the girls I've met in person, who I want to date, I was unable to get. This current situation is the first of its kind in that regard, I haven't met her or ever even communicated with her.

 

And I keep telling myself that there's always a chance that she could dislike me if she met me (which would take all of this down), but then I realize stranger things have happened, so the obsession lives on.

 

What I have been thinking about more than anything (in the world of women, that is) the last few days has been nothing but the cold, hard, and quite painful truth that she will (God forbid if she has already) had sex with another guy. I sometimes visualize in my mind meeting or seeing this guy, and thinking, he's been in her. Or, even worse, she's tried to please him. Quite troubling to me. And the fact that that's troubling me is troubling itself.

[shoplocal]

King Bowls - you are not entitled to any woman's body, no matter what you feel for her, what she feels for you, or what interactions you two have had.

 

As such, it is completely inappropriate to be so obsessed with her having sex with anybody. Also, unless she's 99, it's unrealistic to expect or desire her to never have voluntary sex with a man who isn't you, in the future.

 

As to the other stuff - if you're as hot as you say, women would be throwing themselves at you. Young women are every bit as visual as young men. If you're not swimming in options, get some feedback on your behavior from your female friends to determine if some behavior or habit is turning women off.

 

Good luck!

[King Bowls]

King Bowls - you are not entitled to any woman's body, no matter what you feel for her, what she feels for you, or what interactions you two have had.

 

As such, it is completely inappropriate to be so obsessed with her having sex with anybody. Also, unless she's 99, it's unrealistic to expect or desire her to never have voluntary sex with a man who isn't you, in the future.

 

As to the other stuff - if you're as hot as you say, women would be throwing themselves at you. Young women are every bit as visual as young men. If you're not swimming in options, get some feedback on your behavior from your female friends to determine if some behavior or habit is turning women off.

 

Good luck!

 

I certainly don't think I'm entitled despite what I'm saying on here may appear to mean that. I know that no matter who it is, I have to earn it. Whether it's building a relationship with a woman, or trying to become rich. It just so happens that this is highly unrealistic, and I realize it, but one side of me won't let it go. Hopefully this makes sense.

 

And I can't help that thought (regarding sex), it makes me..have butterflies in my stomach. Hard to explain. It may not be right for me to say and think this, but it's the honest truth (of what's going on in my head). If I were dishonest about it, then I would be unable to receive the best possible advice. The truth can be ugly, hurtful, or whatever, but it's essential.

 

Girls aren't "throwing themselves at me" most likely because of what I don't do. I'm shy and I have poor social skills. I've been told time and time again, you can look like Tom Brady and be this way if you can't talk to girls, or if you have poor body language (little eye contact, not smiling, and other obvious signs).

 

But yes, I ought to ask them what they notice I'm doing wrong. This whole thing has been nothing but an emotional cluster you-know-what.

[Cookiesandough]

Seems like oneitis is genetic or shaped environmentally very early in life. Sure, there are plenty of cases where it's a problem of scarcity, pwhere the men are not good with getting women, projection and fantasy, anxious/obsessive tendencies, etc., but I've known some normal men who have women falling into their lap, but they get attached with one particular woman very easily.It's just a personality thing. Like how monogamy is very appealing to some people, whereas not to others. I don't think GFTOW or anything else solves it for some people.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough