Keeping your EX's Last Name

[Mysterio]

Its not that I can't handle my Buddys current GF having her ex's last name. Its that I believe that her not getting rid of it is a sign of complacency.

 

Her big kids don't really care as her personal paperwork with bills and such come under her maiden/married name. All she would be doing is getting rid of one name. So its not like she exclusive with her ex's name only.

 

She come off like going to a lawyer is going to cost a fortune. I am a betting man. When they split. I feel like she was the one to say its over with the ex. Not her ex saying its over lets get divorced.

 

Just to have D her current BF move in with her. They had to put a window in the basement due to a fire hazard and a way to get someone out. It costed 1,500.00. So if she can do that. She can't find the cash to get divorced. Or if she wants to do it the cheap way. Go to her ex and say if we file it this way. We save money and don't have to put out major coin for lawyers on both sides.

 

Someone is playing a game its either F does not want to pay the money, but she has kids with her current BF, D. Or F's ex does not want to see her released from him legally. Even though he has a new GF.

 

Its not like there was a rush to have kids. To this day. D has no idea who is holding up the Divorce. Its like D could not say to her. We are not having kids and are living together until you are divorced. Which should have happend before she looked up D in Dec 2012 to see if there was still some magic between them.

 

Thats why I think that her keeping her ex's name is insulting to D. It shows that she has no consideration for his feelings and is not doing anything major to move forward with her Divorce.

[basil67]

Is D actually insulted or worrying about any of this? Or is it just you who's angry on his behalf?

[reboot]

Is D actually insulted or worrying about any of this? Or is it just you who's angry on his behalf?

 

Yeah this doesn't make a lot of sense.

[SaveYourHeart]

I think it's ridiculous that you wouldn't date someone because they kept the last name of their ex.

 

*When I get divorced, I will keep his last name because I intend to get married again and I'm not changing my name three times because it's the biggest pain in the butt. Worse than renewing your license. You have to submit it through social security, wait, then change your license, passport, bank account, etc. Why go through all of that to change it again in a couple of years.

 

Regardless, it's a NON-issue and it's not affecting you so why are you so upset about it?

[central]

She has kids with her ex, AND she has two young kids with your friend? It would be great if she took your friend D's last name if they get married - but it's not an issue until then, and if they don't marry, keeping her exes name for her kids with him is fine, even if not ideal.

 

 

My wife kept her exes name for her kids, even though he's a POS. It would have also been extremely expensive to change her name on various documents (literally thousands of $$$, which she could not afford).

[PegNosePete]

No woman that I date is going to be carying her ex's name once she is divorced and we get together and I marry her.

Well that's fine in theory, you can use whatever criteria you like to choose a partner. I wonder how that conversation will go, though? Will you ask them on the first date, "did you change your name back to your maiden name after your divorce?", and "hey if we get married will you take my name?"... hardly first date material, is it?

 

But if you don't ask then you'll be in the situation where you're considering marrying someone, and having to break it off because she doesn't want to change her name... seems very petty.

[Mysterio]

My two friends DT and BD. BD got married to his wife SC in 2003. They had two kids. When her last kid was 8 months old in early March of 2008. She asked DB for a divorce and went back to her maiden name. Even tough she had two kids by him.

 

There was and is no hyphenated name. She is on guy # 5 since she left my friend DB in 2008. She was married before and did not have her ex's name. She did not carry DB last name when she got divorced from him as well. So the kids have DB's last name and go back and forth from DB to his ex, lHouse wise.

 

DT's GF has her maiden name and her ex's name hyphenated. Her kids have the same thing as well. In fact. DT told me that F's son was saying when his baby brother was born. He was going to have the same hyphenated name as he was. Not have DT's last name. If F got rid of the hypneated name. All she would be left is with her last name H. There is still a link with the kids name wise. The kids would be have her maiden name and their fathers name. She would just have her maiden name. I can't see the kids unnerved by that. As there still is a link.

 

I don't understand why BD's ex was able to change her last name back to C. While DT's GF-F can't just keep her maiden name on Facebook which she has control. Change Drivers/Birth certificate/library card. Is that really a big ordeal thats going to cost big money. Its not like They were married for long.

 

My thing is that at least DB's ex moved on and they divorced with young kids. DT''s GF F by keeping her ex's name to me and not at least going back to her middle name. To me its like she is playing this game of not wanting to get divorced. Year 7 of a separation and she gets invloved with DT in year 3 and has two bio kids with DT and still to this day no traction on the divorce.

 

I will say that if I meet a woman and she is separated and has her ex's last name. Until she gets divorced and we marry. Thats all I will tolerate. As I have said in other posts. The only woman I can really be involved with romantically and take her to marriage. She will have to be Single/Widowed/Divorced with or without kids. If she is Separated. She is going to have to show me that her divorce is being worked on and we are not having any bio kids/living together until that happens.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Mysterio

[Mysterio]

Let me add this factor in.

 

The two women I stated in the above post.

Is there not something fishy going on. Both women separate from their husbands who they had kids with.

 

The one that keep/goes back to her maiden name is compleatly divorced.

 

The other that keeps her ex's name is not divorced at all and she is on year 7 of being separated. Does that not sound strange. There is not child custody or property problems.

 

It just boggles my head to what people will go through just for love. Its not my life, but this is the type of situation I find myself having to navigate in the dating world. I guess for me. I might as well just stick to just single/widowed/divorced women, whenever it happens. I don't know why Separated women can't just take a break from dating and just get divorced, and clear themselves from any murky perceptions.

[reboot]

As hard as relationships are these days, particularly when you're talking about people who have previously been married, often more than once, the last thing I'm going to be worried about is where her last name came from.

[whichwayisup]

My friend is conflict avoidant. I wonder how they are going to break it to D's Bio kids when they get older. Sorry mom and dad are not married, because they can't get mom's ex husband on the same page when it comes to the paper work getting divorced.

 

So whenever the ex decides to play ball and get the paperwork all figured out on his timeline. They are on year 7 f being separated. She went pretty fast with D. Contacted him in Dec of 2012. I guess they became a couple in Feb 2013 and he met her older kids by her ex in March 2013 and I just found out I met them the same time he met them.

 

They got pregnant in late 2014 and had bio kids in Aug 2015 and Feb 2017. He moved in with her in spring 2015.

 

I guess it does not matter to me, but wow. Some women have that power over their men. I guess I am different. No way would that happen to me.

 

My time line is being a couple for 2 yrs before marriage. Only woman I would date is Single/Widowed/Divorced. Separated I may give her a year to get divorced and I better see some traction with it. No bio kids at all with any of them until marriage.

 

She can divorce him without his consent! Especially since she's been separated from her ex for a long time.

[Chilli]

It's perfectly normal to keep your ex's last name especially if you have children together. Doesn't everyone do this?

 

 

Mine changed hers , but she has remarried.

l feel sick though at the thought my daughter is now one of those kids that has a different name to her own mother.

[Mysterio]

Once again. I see keeping the last name of your ex as a form of submission that they still factor into your life. I could see if you were married for 20 + yrs. 7 yrs or less. You can go back to the maiden name. Maybe if your so professionally established I could maybe see it as a thing.

 

F can drop her ex's last name as she also has her maiden name on her ID. So there is no big contrast to her and the kids. I can't see those kids caring that there mother who is separated from their father and is living with ehr new BF-D and bio kids from him. Is going to be upset if there mom just goes by her maiden name. Also. When she does get divorced. D plans to marry her, so she would have a new name or a Hybrid of her maiden and D's last name.

 

So you all think that F not filing for divorce is suspect? Thats the real problem. What type of message is she sending out to D. It was she who really got them together and D ran with it. He did not have to do the work and he is more into his digital entertainment than scoping out for women. I just think if they don't get the Divorce under their belt and get married. Their bio kids that they have together, may be confused over their status.

[aileD]

I would keep my husband's name if we ever divorced. I wouldn't want to have a last name different from my kids, but even more so---it's part of me. Part of my identity. I have had that last name longer than I had my maiden name for. My maiden name is also longer and hard to spell.

[Mysterio]

To each their own in the end. Its just that I think that keeping the last name while your separated.

 

I can't see my friends GF being the driving force to get her divorced finalized. Seems like she was more concerned with getting a relationship with my friend and having kids with him. While not really dealing with her ex as much.

[reboot]

Uhmmmmmm.... I think at this point we all get how you feel about this. You've told us over and over. Are you trying to change the minds of all the people (almost everyone in this thread) that don't feel the same way as you or what?

[Gr8fuln2020]

My wife wanted to recover her maiden name after our divorce. In a strange way, I believe she thought it would be hurtful to me that she would want to do that...nope. I was more than happy for her to no longer possess my surname. We didn't have children together, so no problem.

 

Changing one's surname after divorce is not as difficult as some may share. It's really about contacting the right people, getting the proper court documents and voila. There have been some good reasons for holding onto ex's name, but it shouldn't be so difficult now days in the age of quick, online access to databases, documents, submissions, etc.

[BluEyeL]

I'm getting married in a week and I'm keeping my ex's last name. I'm 45 and published a lot of articles with this name so it's not sort of TM, I'm known by this name. I have a son who shares my last name . And see no point in going through all the pain of changing all the papers into another last name. I changed it when I was young now I won't keep changing it . Nothing to do with my ex.

[Art_Critic]

When I got divorced some 16 years ago my then wife of 5 years kept my last name and still has it.. no kids together.

She finally changed it on FB though.. just a few years ago but she has not had it legally changed back..

 

I could care a less.. no matter what it's her name and she can do with it as she feels fit..

Even if she has it legally changed back she will always be known as her married name, just look on credit reports etc etc... your names stay with you a lifetime and the legal side of it only if for signing documents.

 

My Mom kept her last name even though she divorced my Dad.. good for her and her kids.. we grew up with a lastname the same as my Parents.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm getting married in a week and I'm keeping my ex's last name. I'm 45 and published a lot of articles with this name so it's not sort of TM, I'm known by this name. I have a son who shares my last name . And see no point in going through all the pain of changing all the papers into another last name. I changed it when I was young now I won't keep changing it . Nothing to do with my ex.

 

Two of the best and various reasons not to...professional and children (from the relationship).

[BluEyeL]

Two of the best and various reasons not to...professional and children (from the relationship).

My soon to be husband was a bit disappointed but he understood, at least intellectually.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My soon to be husband was a bit disappointed but he understood, at least intellectually.

 

Congratulations on the impending wedding!

 

Good for him.

[MJJean]

You may not see the point but lots of women do keep their married name when children are involved. They want the same last name as their kids unless of course they marry again.

 

I had two kids with my exH when we separated and then divorced. Traditionally, they were entitled to their fathers family name, which is not my family name.

 

So, you think there's a point to keeping an exH's last name in order to share the same name as children unless/until remarriage where she will change her name and have a different last name as her children.

 

She's doing it for the kids. It's a lot easier to have the same name as your kids in life. It's an unselfish act that a lot of women will do.

 

Huh?

 

Maybe it's a local/regional thing. Statistically, most children (68%) born in my county are born to unmarried parents. Between unmarried mothers giving their kids the fathers last name(s), marriages, and remarriages, it's actually much more common here for a woman to NOT share a surname with at least one of her kids. It's not something most people in this area would even notice or remark on.

[rushed]

I've kept my ex-husband's last name. We have two kids, and I think it's just easier that we all have the same last name.

 

My ex-husband and I are both the lazy type. I think it took us about two years to finally file and complete our divorce after we separated. We're not friends and other than the children we have zero attachment to each other, so it's not like one of us was still holding on to hope. We were both already seeing other people. We both just lagged on completing the divorce because it just wasn't a main priority for either of us.

 

If I were to marry my current boyfriend, I still would keep my ex-husband's last name because 1) I like having the same last name as my children and 2) Changing your name is a huge pain.

[amaysngrace]

I kept my ex's name because of the kids and he was giving me a hard time about it telling me to change it back to my maiden name.

 

Finally I told him it's fine to change it back but I want him to grant me permission to change our children's last name to my maiden name too.

 

He STFU after that and never mentioned it again

[aileD]

My mom kept her married name when she divorced my dad. The. She married my stepfather and took his last name.

 

When she divorced my stepfather, she went back to my dads last name even though both her kids are girls who are now married with entirely different last names.

 

I was just talking with my aunt today and had this conversation because when her divorce is final she's going back to her maiden name even though she has three kids. I said I was just curious because I would want the same name as my kids, and she said "the difference is that you love your husband and are connected that way even if you were to divorce, I never loved my husband"

 

Yikes.