Keeping your EX's Last Name

[SaveYourHeart]

Mysterio, we get it, you think keeping the ex's last name means she's still attached to him in some way, but obviously if she's having a wonderful relationship with your friend, she's not attached to her ex. What you assume to be submissive is in all actuality, dismissive. She doesn't care. She moved on, she's happy. Stop looking for trouble in places that there is none.

[knabe]

Its a personal choice. Some keep it to carry on the name with kids while some do it to rub it in the face of ex and their new partner.

 

I don't know ANYONE who has done this. Anyone. I didn't change my name because it is my kids' name, and I felt like losing my former married name would be like disavowing THEIR name.

 

Believe it or not, most women are, in fact, decent humans.

[Mysterio]

So I guess I must not like my buddys GF. I have seen her do things that just irk me. In order for him to be with her. He has had to put up with a lot of things like a totally cahotic household.

 

She met her first husband. Got pregnant with thier son. Then must have gotten pregnant with her daughter and they married or got married and then had the daughter. She broke up with her ex and has stayed in a state of limbo with her ex. They are not legally divorced.

 

She looked up my friend in Dec 2012 and they started dating in Feb 2013. Since then she introduced her kids to my friend in month 2 of dating. Then they got pregnant in late 2014. They had another kid in 2017.

 

Till this day. They are still not divorced and I see and hear no signs of it. Her oldest son with the Ex is cutting school and she and my friend have not had any serrious conversations to correct that behavior.

 

So what is the long term impact of my friend's GF not getting divorced. Its like she does not want to go to a Lawyer and pay for the divorce, and as far as I am concerend its not like there is a Property dispute. My buddy looks stressed whenever I see him.

 

Its things like this that make me weary about the dating process. Its like sorry. I have to look at my potential love''s life and vice versa. Can't just be with anyone anymore without thinking about it clearly.

 

So based on what I have stated. Do you think this woman's decicion making process is sound and mindfull.

[aurelius99]

Some men are willing to put up with a LOT just to get what they THINK will be regular sex with an attractive woman for the rest of their lives. There's no other explanation for it. After being disillusioned so many times, I've realized there is nothing magical about the relationship between men and women. It's primarily for biological purposes of creating offspring.

 

People can try to be positive as much as they want, and even many religious people will talk about the santicty of marriage etc but the Bible itself says it's better not to marry due to the strife and evil of the times (1 Cor 7:15-40). The Bible also says not to give your strength to women because doing so can tear down even a king (Prov 31:3). Yet we have female-dominanted churches talking about "family men" as being the highest good. Okay, well what about Moses? He was divorced. Ironically, because he obeyed God.

 

Anyway, that was a rant. My point is that it truly comes down to sex for men--religious or not. Any man who says otherwise is a liar or just won't admit the truth to his woman. No man is happier with a woman. Men tolerate women. Maybe the first 2 years they actually benefit, but after that you are her slave and must do as she says or she'll take your kids and half your assets.

 

God have mercy on your buddy. He had mercy on me and for that I'm thankful.

[Shepp]

So what?

So she met a guy, had a couple of kids, got married and it didnt work out... her and about a million other women, its hardly the 1950's i dont understand what is so unbelievable about that?

 

She moved on with her life and went on to meet another guy and two years late have a child with him.... hardly headline news is it.

 

Jesus, that seems like the story couples up and down the country i really understand all the fuss?

 

It doesnt matter if she irks you, shes HIS girlfriend, not yours.

 

People used to tell me i put up with too much from my 'friend'... I didnt listen. Well shes My wife now, the mother of MY children now, MINE not theirs. MY pain in the ass, and the absolute love of MY life!

[aurelius99]

More power to you, Shepp.

 

To me...no woman is worth getting swung at and boards thrown at you. Maybe there was a time when I thought it was worth it, but life is too short for that crap.

[Bastile]

I think accepting people's weaknesses is a big part of accepting them properly. If he's bad with women, or he makes bad choices with them, then that's just part of who he is. And he's very unlikely to change.

 

Don't involve yourself in that part of his life too much (even if he keeps trying to moan to you about it).

 

You'll need to accept it / manage around it, or you'll need to find different friends.

[rushed]

Why are you so interested in getting people to try and trash this woman? This is the second post from you about them. Unless you know something about her that your friend doesn't, I'd just not worry about them.

 

You seem to be obsessed with ideals. However, reality doesn't work like that. You cast your net, see what's out there, then work with what you can get. It's a rare thing to find someone who not only checks off everything on your laundry list but is also interested in you as well. Most of us are with someone who has flaws. But hopefully, the pros outweigh the cons and people make compromises to make the relationship work and prosper.

[basil67]

This topic is related to this post yes? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/629205-keeping-your-ex-s-last-name

 

Given that their choices don't affect you, why does it bother you so much?

[TunaCat]

Why are you so invested in your friend's love life & his home situation?

 

If it does not affect YOU, then stay out of it.

[Shepp]

More power to you, Shepp.

 

To me...no woman is worth getting swung at and boards thrown at you. Maybe there was a time when I thought it was worth it, but life is too short for that crap.

 

We agree on that, life is too short - way to short, to short to sit there passively and let the things you want and care about just pass you by!

 

Can i ask you, If the women you love isnt worth getting swung at then what is? Your kids? Your career? Your sport? Your passion? Your voice? Your rights? The voice and rights of those who are unable to defend there own?

Where do you draw the line of what in this short life is worth fighting for? Is worth risking yourself for, and risking failure for?

 

I've never been all that bothered about getting swung, or getting knocked down because its my belief that lifes to short not to fight for the things you want, and the things you care about, whether they turn out to be right or wrong, actually investing in something always beats sitting on the sidelines.

 

It doesnt always have to be roses when your in love bro, even back when i was like 16, just a kid really, I can remember knowing that i would rather be sat with my "just a friend" (now wife) on the grass at the side of her mums grave at 1.30am, on a cold rainy night, in a t-shirt because shes wearing my hoodie, than in the bedroom of that girl from school that i knew fancied me, cracking on with her.

You could say, hey lifes too short to sit in the rain and be wet & cold, lifes too short to share in someones grief for a loss that wasnt your own, lifes too short to turn down a girl that wants you for a girl that says you can only be friends. But at 16 i knew that life was too short to settle for second best, too short NOT to invest in the long game, too short to walk away from someone you love because everything isnt simple and life isnt a fairytale!

 

But anyway, its a bit irrelevant because i dont see anyone throwing punches or boards at your mate? He's just a guy who met a gal who happened to have been married before... hardly Lawrence of Arabia!

 

But its up to the individual to decide whats worth you giving your all to something or someone. Its not worth it to you, so you dont date her then, or anyone in her situation. Shes clearly worth it to him, so he keeps dating her. Everyones happy, no?

[Els]

1. It's not your problem

 

2. She should certainly be expected to complete the divorce ASAP

 

3. The whole "women changing last name" thing is all a bit of a mess IMO. The first time I heard that Caucasian women culturally are expected to change their last name legally to the name of the man they marry, I was extremely surprised! I think Caucasian cultures are the only ones in the world to expect that (no Asian cultures expect that, and AFAIK Middle Eastern and African ones don't either) and frankly I think that expectation is absolute insanity.

 

I mean, changing ANYTHING legally is usually a complete ****-show, and changing your name is probably the most ****-showish of all ****-shows. Imagine the legal hurdles and all the potential issues that will crop up from changing your name ONCE, especially if the woman already has a career, house ownership, etc established. Now imagine doing it TWICE, like what you're expecting your buddy's GF to do...

 

When the rest of the cultures talk about changing our last name, we just mean socially. So if Amy A. married John B., she is referred to socially as "Mrs. B", but her legal and official name remains Amy A. That makes a lot more sense IMO. No legal hoops to jump through, but keeps the whole family unit thing socially.

 

Nothing against women who choose to change their last names willingly, it's their choice, my rant is against the expectation that they do so (which you, the OP, are demonstrating).

Edited July 23, 2017 by Elswyth

[SaveYourHeart]

I just don't get why you're so obsessed with their relationship. If it bothered him, he would leave her. He hasn't left so it's a non-issue. Stop involving yourself in their relationship. It's really none of your business.

[Mysterio]

I guess its none of my business, but I am one of his only friends that he speaks to on a regular basis. I have my own problems dating and It just bothers me when I am around her.

 

We were at Dinner the other night and her older daughter started knawing at her verbally saying that her marriage to her father only lasted 7 yrs.

 

This is the type of women that is more in my world for the most part. I dated a woman 2 yrs ago and she was separated and I even thought that why are you on a dating site when your not even legally separtated from your husband.

 

I don't understand why men can't call out women on this. I just see problems with them and I think someone should say something. Even if it backlashes against me. I had a friend go through exactly the same thing 10 yrs ago. He married a Separated woman and when they had problems. She left him. They had kids as well.

 

My perception of women in a romantic context is that if I don't watch myself with who I get involved with. I may end up with a situation that I don't like down the road.

[knabe]

Basically, your friend is with a married woman who seems to have no intention of ever divorcing. So why would a name change even bother him?

[GunslingerRoland]

Divorces can be a lot of money, hassle and paper work. It isn't uncommon for separated couples to stay legally married for years. Often they only divorce when one of them wants to remarry.

 

As for the last name thing I've known people who never changed their name back after divorcing. Again some just found it as unnecessary paperwork. Some did it to keep the same name as their children, but more often than not, they've had the name for a number of years, and see no real reason to switch away from the name that people know them by.

 

One reason can be changing your last name can invite a lot of queries from coworkers and Facebook friends about your new marriage, when it's really about a divorce it can lead to a lot of awkward conversations.

[Mysterio]

I hope they have a good story to tell their young kids when they grow up, why they can't be married. Its yr 7 of DT's GF being separated.

 

My other friend DB got divorced 9 yrs ago and his wife went back to her maiden name. Its on her Facebook. I see DT's GF keeping her Ex's name as a sign of not even trying to get divorced. Keeping herself in limbo with her ex so to speak.

 

At anytime DT can use that against her and walk away from her in the future. If she gets divorced. At least that will be off the table for any problems they may have in the future and they can get married, which is what DT wants. he told me he was not happy with how things worked out the way they did in terms of having the kids out of wedlock. It happend that way, because he never challenged his GF on her getting divorced and not having kids until she was divorced.

 

For him. Having a GF is rare and its not like it drops in his lap all the time.

[GunslingerRoland]

Mysterio, why is this issue so personally triggering for you?

 

Throughout this thread people have pointed out how common this situation is, and yet you seem to think this is a huge deal when no one directly involved seems to care one way or another. You assume that they are not getting married because their is no divorce, but it's probably a better guess that they don't want to get married, hence they don't bother with the divorce.

 

There is a reason why Separate is a choice on legal paperwork like tax forms. It's because there are always millions of people living in this situation, and they aren't treated like a married person legally because they aren't living like a married person.

[knabe]

Mysterio, are you possibly attracted to your friend and maybe jealous of his girlfriend? It's just not normal to be this obsessed with someone else's life.

[Redhead14]

I still use/have my married name although legally divorced for 11 years. And the reason is . . . it was just easier than doing the paperwork to change it . . . PERIOD.

[l8estnews]

Mysterio, are you possibly attracted to your friend and maybe jealous of his girlfriend? It's just not normal to be this obsessed with someone else's life.

 

Hey, I have this kind of impression, too and I hope you don't see this as an insult. You seem too invested on this for it to be platonic or it just sounds like it in your posts

[SaveYourHeart]

You obsession with their relationship sounds unhealthy. Maybe you should not be around them if it bothers you so much

[Redhead14]

My perception of women in a romantic context is that if I don't watch myself with who I get involved with. I may end up with a situation that I don't like down the road. -- And, you should watch who YOU get involved with.

 

Lots of people OVERTHINK their own dating/relationship scenarios and that's difficult enough. I can't imagine why anyone would want to overthink someone else's dating/relationship scenario

[Els]

Hey, I have this kind of impression, too and I hope you don't see this as an insult. You seem too invested on this for it to be platonic or it just sounds like it in your posts

 

I third that...

 

Honestly, does the friend even KNOW or approve of how much you're poking into his relationship?

[JuneL]

I'm happy to adopt my would-be hubby's last name if it's important to him. But if it's totally up to me, I'd adopt Brangelina's approach: they each kept the original last name and combined their last names for their kids (Jolie-Pitt).