lavenderblue Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I am sorry for continuously bombarding this forum with lots of questions...seems to be the only way i can keep going since i went NC from my MM You will probably already know my story.... 5 year affair - never discovered.. my question is that can an affair truly ever end without a D-Day? In my heart, i know that if he came back in a year or so ill probably fall back into it:-( Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Yes. Why he must be blocked and all measures taken to ensure NC. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Happens quite often. Just have to decide and be determined that it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Don't make the mistake I made in contacting the wife. Affairs can cause lawsuits! Or worse... This is what happened to me. Just walk away quietly. Block him out of your life. I was with my exMM for 4.5 years! Saw him almost every day the entire time. It ended very badly. It wouldn't have had to end the way it did. We both should have simply disappeared from each others lives and none of the drama, attorneys, kids finding out, he threatened my safety, etc. would have happened. Please save yourself a huge amount of heartache and even your safety by walking away now. Next time he calls or texts, just say you are done being with him and explain that it isn't him but the situation. Tell him you deserve to live an authentic life and that is all. (If he feels rejected he could cause problems so keep it friendly in your final conversation with him.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 It definitely can. Here's what you have to remember -- while you think now that you would fall back into it a year from now, your mind will shift if you are genuinely trying to let go. Letting go is a process. It isn't a lightning strike. But you have to consciously stop pining for him. When you think about him or obsess about the past (and I know it can feel good), you have to say "STOP. I wish him well. Time to move on." You may not even believe it for awhile, but fake it until you make it. Your thinking will change. Give it time and space to change. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 (edited) Yes, of course they can and do--all the time. And please don't apologize for the questions--we are here for support! Take care. Edited July 11, 2017 by Doublegold spelling:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 There is never a sure way to end an affair: you can have no Dday, 1 DDay or multiple! The only thing that matters is your mentality and whether or not you truly want it to end. MM can come back and try to rope you back in a million times per day for the rest of your life but if you have decided that you're done, t doesn't matter how he tries to reach you or what he says, you won't go back. But if you are still wanting him to come back, if you still believe that after some time he WILL be back and you'll decide then, well that's just code for "I don't want the affair to end, I just want him to realize he wants me and to fight for me". Trust me lol. Been there, done that. I told MM's wife about us twice and he's still talking to me so a DDay or no DDay makes no difference sometimes other than the extra drama caused by it. If you can avoid that, then please do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eccles Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I don't think having a D Day makes a scrap of difference. Its all about the mindset of the people involved. You will see on my recent post, but I have been in an affair (off and on) with MM now for almost 5 years. There has been numerous D Days. His family knows, his wife, his (older) children know. None of that has stopped him contacting me or me being foolish enough to respond. The only way to end it finally is will power and faith that your future will be better without him. It isn't easy, but i am sure we will both get there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Thank you for those insights.... my genuine problem is that i do really like the AP but hate the A. He was a huge source of support. By finishing the A, i have lost a really good friend too....and that seems such a huge loss. Will there be a day when i could be friends again? it seems heartbreaking to think that I've lost my best friend forever.... Were any of you able to resume a friendship with your APs many years later? my AP wasn't manipulative with me...he has never tried to contact me since i went NC. I feel so lost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiana09 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Lavenderblue it's best to let this man go and save yourself a bunch of heartache. It will hurt for a bit but you will get over him. And no,don't think of him as your best friend because he wasn't. He was just a married man who cheats on his wife with you and you telling her might not make a difference. My MM wife forgave him after 3 days of finding out about us and I had been with him for 6 years.oh there is a baby involved too and they have no kids but she chose to stay. My advice to you is just move on,try to take your mind off him and do not want to be friends with him as it will continue the affair.Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiana09 Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 And this isn't a trophy man...just consider you dodged a bullet and you're free to find a faithful man. The wife is stuck with a cheating husband and if it's not with you again he will find someone else to cheat with.look at the positive side and go do things that make you happy,hobbies,spend time with real friends and talk it out when you need to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Thinking about having the AP in your future will stop you from moving forward now. It's hard to let go, I know. I personally think it would hard to ever be just friends because of your history. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Yes, it definitely can end without a D-Day. All it takes is one of you to say, this is it, and never contact the other again. It takes two to tango, and if one person steps away for good, the dance is over. Don't get me wrong. Stepping away was the hardest thing I ever did. I was addicted to him and how he made me feel. But if you walk away and don't look back, it works. It feels like sh*t, but it works. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 12, 2017 Author Share Posted July 12, 2017 Yes, it definitely can end without a D-Day. All it takes is one of you to say, this is it, and never contact the other again. It takes two to tango, and if one person steps away for good, the dance is over. Don't get me wrong. Stepping away was the hardest thing I ever did. I was addicted to him and how he made me feel. But if you walk away and don't look back, it works. It feels like sh*t, but it works. id love to know your story...did your AP not try and contact you when you established NC? Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Yes, it definitely can end without a D-Day. All it takes is one of you to say, this is it, and never contact the other again. It takes two to tango, and if one person steps away for good, the dance is over. Don't get me wrong. Stepping away was the hardest thing I ever did. I was addicted to him and how he made me feel. But if you walk away and don't look back, it works. It feels like sh*t, but it works. Ohhhhh, I was really glad to read this today. Thank you. This list helps so much. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 I am sorry for continuously bombarding this forum with lots of questions...seems to be the only way i can keep going since i went NC from my MM You will probably already know my story.... 5 year affair - never discovered.. my question is that can an affair truly ever end without a D-Day? In my heart, i know that if he came back in a year or so ill probably fall back into it:-( An affair is just a relationship and relationships end every day. There is nothing magical about an affair. The only thing about affairs, is that OWs tend to be hard to find, especially long term ones, not every woman wants to sleep with a MM and wait around on the sidelines, whilst he lives his life with his wife. So once he loses one, he often circles back to her again and again and again... It doesn't always happen though, it is never something to bank on, some MM move on to another OW, some will stay faithful to their wives, some will look back fondly on the OW, others will be glad she is gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 I am sorry for continuously bombarding this forum with lots of questions...seems to be the only way i can keep going since i went NC from my MM You will probably already know my story.... 5 year affair - never discovered.. my question is that can an affair truly ever end without a D-Day? In my heart, i know that if he came back in a year or so ill probably fall back into it:-( Mine ended without a (full blown) d-day. Not sure if he went back to his W or has another OW. Either way, it's done. Seven years. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 I haven't had a D-Day - rather, my xAP hasn't, she's the married one. I am pretty sure it's over though, her choice. So the resounding answer seems to be yes, affairs can and do end without D-days. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 So once he loses one, he often circles back to her again and again and again... I'm kinda curious how this happens. If OW eliminates any way for him to contact her... unless most leave an opening somewhere. Mine no longer has my phone number since I asked him to delete it. There is really no way for him to contact me that wouldn't require going out of his way, and I know he wouldn't risk it. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 If it was me i would write him a letter saying its over, and i didnt want see him, so you can heal yourself, i think for yourself you need to, but i could be wrong in your case Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts