Thinking of stepping out of my [sexless] marriage

[ZoeyLane]

My am in a sexless marriage. My husband doesn't care about being intimate or affectionate. It's the one thing we have fought about most. I stopped taking my birth control pills because I feel like there is no point in taking them, and it just makes me feel worse. It's been a whole month since I've stopped taking them and my husband doesn't even know.

 

 

I feel stupid. Our relationship has always lacked intimacy but I always thought it would get better. We've been together 9 years, and in the past 3 years I can count on two hands how many times we've been intimate. He didn't want to touch me while I was pregnant, scared that he would hurt the baby. So we have already gone a whole year without sex. It's not just the sex that gets me. He doesn't like to cuddle up and watch a movie, he rather sit up straight on opposite sides of the couch. We don't hold hands, and we probably haven't French kissed in over 4 years. That is just the way that he is.

 

 

We have one baby, that was planned, and even that was difficult because I basically had to test to see if I was ovulating and that was the only times we had sex. Trust me I have brought this up many many many times. He doesn't care. He is perfectly happy with the lack of intimacy. It usually ends up into a fight, and that's it... still no intimacy.

 

 

I have bought up that we should see other people and stay married, he doesn't want to do that. I am so lost. I feel like I've made a big mistake and I don't know what the right decision is. Since we have a 2 year old son, I feel like that makes it harder for me to leave.

 

 

I am in a tough situation because I don't think I can handle being a single parent. It's not the way I have ever envisioned my life, since I myself come from a divorced family and it was hard.

 

 

There are a ton of things going through my mind, and I am just so sad about all of it. I have thought about the important things in life and the good qualities that my husband does have. He is a nice guy, a great father, a hard worker, funny, and kind. He stood by me during the hardest times in my life and always been supportive. I had a cancer scare earlier this year, and he stood by me and told me he loved me no matter what. My mother is disabled and we have been financially supporting her for 7 years, he is okay with that.

 

 

I am so confused. I am not a religious person, and I think to myself, well if he doesn't care about being intimate, I should just go out and find someone on the side. This way I don't bother him about it and I don't have to destroy our family.

 

 

I have never cheated on anyone, that's not the kind of person that I am. But at this point I am tempted. I don't see anything wrong with it, because my husband isn't interested. It just makes me sad that this is my life.

 

 

I am 34.

[DKT3]

What happens when you get caught?

[central]

You have two reasonable options:

a) divorce

b) negotiate an open marriage (if he won't, revisit option a)

 

 

I don't think cheating will work out, especially after stopping birth control!

[ZoeyLane]

What else am I supposed to do? What are my options? I don't think I would get caught, because unlike a lot of other females, I am able to separate sex and love.

 

 

I am one that won't get attached, I've done it before.

 

 

But you're right. I get caught and I know my husband would leave. There is no easy answer or no easy way out.

 

 

I can't believe this is my life. It makes me feel so unattractive and so lonely.

[ZoeyLane]

You have two reasonable options:

a) divorce

b) negotiate an open marriage (if he won't, revisit option a)

 

 

I don't think cheating will work out, especially after stopping birth control!

 

Well if I decided to step out, I would get back on the pill.

 

 

These options make me so sad. I feel like a terrible person.

[GorillaTheater]

These options make me so sad. I feel like a terrible person.

 

 

You may or may not be a terrible person (though I suspect you're not), but you seem to be on the brink of making a terrible decision.

 

 

I'm under the impression that you see cheating as a "better" option than divorce. Is that right? If so, why?

[DKT3]

This site is full of people who thought they would never get caught, then they did.

 

Look divorce is the only route. He will not agree to an open marriage. Cheating will most likely end in divorce but it will add a bunch of unnecessary pain suffering and damage to relationships beyond just you and your husband. Cheating will make co-parenting much more difficult.

[SammySammy]

What would happen if you told him about your need for intimacy and possibly finding it outside of the marriage?

 

That's a basic need in marriage. What is his solution, if no intimacy is not an option for you?

 

You shouldn't be expected to go without any longer. How is he going to fix it?

 

What happens if you present it like that?

[ZoeyLane]

You may or may not be a terrible person (though I suspect you're not), but you seem to be on the brink of making a terrible decision.

 

 

I'm under the impression that you see cheating as a "better" option than divorce. Is that right? If so, why?

 

At this point, I do see cheating as a better option than divorce.

 

 

For one I don't want to spilt my time with my son. I don't want to only have him part-time. I don't want him to be in a broken home.

 

 

For two we make good money together, and have a good financial plan together. If we were to separate, our finances would be separated and we wouldn't have as much cushion as we do now.

 

 

As well as contributing what I do now to my sons college fund, that would be gone. Also supplementing my mom's income since she is one Medicaid and Social Security, that would be gone.

 

 

My three options are:

 

 

1. Quit being selfish and stay in this marriage without cheating for the sake of financial well being of myself, my son, and my mother.

 

 

2. Stay in this marriage and the security it provides, and have something on the side on occasion.

 

 

3. Divorce and live paycheck to paycheck as a single mother.

 

 

Don't think I am using him, we both work and make similar incomes. If we divorced he would be living paycheck to paycheck too. Our income would be enough to sustain two households with nothing extra.

 

 

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I have thought about counseling, since we have never gone before. But we have no one to watch my son to be able to go to counseling as a couple. Also, it's expensive, and I don't see how it could help since that's just the way my husband has always been.

[ZoeyLane]

What would happen if you told him about your need for intimacy and possibly finding it outside of the marriage?

 

That's a basic need in marriage. What is his solution, if no intimacy is not an option for you?

 

You shouldn't be expected to go without any longer. How is he going to fix it?

 

What happens if you present it like that?

 

I have before. It turns into him crying and hating himself. It gets so bad between us every time that I bring it up, that I stopped bringing it up.

[SammySammy]

Is there a physical or medical reason he can't perform sexually? Not being willing to hug or cuddle with your wife is inexcusable to me, but is there a reason for no sex?

[DKT3]

It's not selfish to want intimacy and sex. It's selfish to make a unilateral decision to open your marriage.

 

You feel the situation is dire but your husband doesn't. Which means you've not made your point.

 

Cheating isn't the answer, only a road to more problems. Maybe read here more, see the destruction cheating creates, see the unforseen damage the cheater never anticipated. This things don't end well for the vast majority.

 

Make your husband aware of how dire this is, tell him what you're thinking, give him your trust and opportunity to fix this, maybe you can reach a solution without the destruction.

[ZoeyLane]

Is there a physical or medical reason he can't perform sexually? Not being willing to hug or cuddle with your wife is inexcusable to me, but is there a reason for no sex?

 

I am not sure. It took me about 4 months to get pregnant, and a lot of that was because sometimes he couldn't perform. He went to the doctors and they gave him Viagra, but we never used it because I got pregnant shortly after the appointment.

 

 

That's the other issue. I know he has problems, so I try not to bring it up or initiate because then it gets both of us upset.

 

 

As far as him not being affectionate, I just think unfortunately that's the way he was brought up. His parents aren't affectionate people, they aren't affectionate towards each other or him.

 

 

It's not a need for him. I should of saw the warning signs. Before we started dating he was single for like 7 years, because it's just not something he needs. He is perfectly happy being all alone with no intimacy whatsoever. I missed or wanted to miss all the warning signs because he was a good person.

[mikeylo]

What else am I supposed to do? What are my options? I don't think I would get caught, because unlike a lot of other females, I am able to separate sex and love.

 

 

I am one that won't get attached, I've done it before.

 

 

But you're right. I get caught and I know my husband would leave. There is no easy answer or no easy way out.

 

 

I can't believe this is my life. It makes me feel so unattractive and so lonely.

 

Does that mean you have cheated before ? On your husband or someone else before him?

[DKT3]

Does that mean you have cheated before ? On your husband or someone else before him?

 

I don't think it's what she meant, I think sex without emotions is what she meant

[ZoeyLane]

I don't think it's what she meant, I think sex without emotions is what she meant

 

Yes, this is what it means. I've had a FWB situation before I was perfectly fine with it. For about a whole year. I can separate the two, unlike a lot of people.

 

 

I just don't know what to do. Live my whole life like this? Without no intimacy, no affection? It makes me so sad. We are just too different.

[central]

Yes, this is what it means. I've had a FWB situation before I was perfectly fine with it. For about a whole year. I can separate the two, unlike a lot of people.

 

 

I just don't know what to do. Live my whole life like this? Without no intimacy, no affection? It makes me so sad. We are just too different.

 

Again, I think talking and negotiating MAY lead to a solution. If your husband also values staying together for your son and for the financial benefits, he may be open to the idea of you getting your needs met elsewhere since he won't or can't. It may be okay with him if you are very discreet, and nothing else changes. At least, explore the idea. At worst, he rejects it, and you're no worse off (other than he may then suspect that you'll cheat).

 

 

Put it to him as, "We have a problem with intimacy and sex, and I'm not happy. Do you have any ideas about how this can be fixed, short of splitting up?" He may suggest an open marriage, and if it doesn't occur to him, you can then ask.

[SammySammy]

You've got to get to the root of the problem to find a solution. Nine years without knowing what's really going on is too long.

 

It's past time to sit down and unpack this issue as two sensible adults. All of the crying and blaming himself doesn't lead to any results. This guy needs to realize he's put himself in jeopardy of losing his family. That needs to be addressed. Emotion alone is not enough.

 

I think it's time for a serious talk that leads to action. Calm. Without blaming or other negativity. But, a search for understanding and solutions.

 

There are consequences that are going to be had regardless. It could be the consequence of building and strengthening the marriage. Or the natural consequence of neglecting and ineffectively dealing with a major issue. The consequence of stepping out of the relationship.

 

A consequence will be chosen. Through action or inaction. It's up to the two of you to decide which.

[ZoeyLane]

Thanks, I know you're all right.

 

 

I have talking to him about this exact issue over 50 times since we've been together. I guess I could ask him to go see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I know he would go if I asked him to go, but the problem is that it upsets me that he doesn't just do that himself. He isn't bothered in the slightest of the lack of intimacy in our relationship.

 

 

We didn't even do anything on our wedding night.

 

 

I know we keep going around and around in circles, and I am sorry. I am just frustrated and upset that this is my life and my issue.

 

 

I think to myself if the roles were reversed, surely a man would've already left by now or stepped out of their marriage. I am just the crazy one to stay in this as long as I have.

 

 

It's making me feel depressed.

[DKT3]

You can't avoid addressing the problem then solution it by doing something worse than the problem. If you think this conversation is frustrating and panful wait until you start having those conversations about your infidelity.

[harrybrown]

Better to file for D than to drop the A bomb on your marriage.

 

if he gets upset about not performing or whatever, wait until he finds out you had an A.

 

affairs destroy the BS.

 

Some commit suicide. Others keep after the OM after being shot and shot until the BS is dead, killed by the OM.

 

And the OM got off, because the BS kept coming after him even after being shot, so the OM kept shooting until the BS was dead.

 

Horrible stuff.

 

File for D, before dropping the A bomb on your marriage.

 

Make it clear to him that either he gets help, or you get a D.

 

Good luck to you. I wish my wife would ever initiate.

[BaileyB]

Cheating is not a better option than divorce.

 

You will hurt your husband. Your child, when they learn the truth, will lose all respect for you. And you will lose you own self respect.

 

You say that you would rather cheat on your family than split time with your child and single parent - that is a selfish choice. You may think that you are doing it "in the best interest of keeping your family together - but really, it is in your own self interest.

 

It's not wrong to want intimacy in a marriage. If you need it, and your husband can't or won't provide what you need, do the honourable thing and divorce.

[BTDT2012]

Was he like this before you married him?

[BaileyB]

You can't avoid addressing the problem then solution it by doing something worse than the problem. If you think this conversation is frustrating and panful wait until you start having those conversations about your infidelity.

 

Absolutely. First things first, you need to sit down and have the hard conversation with him. He needs to know that unless things change, he will lose his marriage.

 

Then, if he is motivated to make the change, he needs to go to his doctor. You need to find the root cause of his problem. And, if it's not a medical issue, then you both need to find some counsellors. Is he depressed, is there a psychological reason why he doesn't want to share a physical and emotional connection to you? These are the things you need to learn.

 

You can't begin to look for solutions - stay in a sexless marriage, cheat, or divorce - until you can really say that you've tried to find and fix the problem.

 

But bottom line, unless he thinks there is a problem, there is not much you can do except consider your options. In which case, divorce is the better option.

[ZoeyLane]

Was he like this before you married him?

 

Yes, he was.

 

 

I always made excuses for the behavior, and I thought things would change if only this or if only that.... blah blah blah.

 

 

We've had some heated arguments over the subject over the years. One argument always sticks out in my mind when he told me "it was like a chore" and me asking if he is gay.

 

 

In my own personal opinion I think my husband prefers his own right hand. I think he was single for so long, and that's what he would do, and I think that's what he prefers. Of course, I could be wrong, but that's what my gut tells me.

 

 

We don't even sleep in the same room. We take turns watching our son who still doesn't sleep through the night most nights, so we are in separate rooms so that the other person can get a full night sleep.

 

 

But this lack in intimacy like I said is nothing new. We've always been this way. It's just now making me want something different, because I don't think it will change no matter what I've said. Trust me I have tried and tried over the years.

 

 

He is the type of guy that rather stay up and play video games with friends then spend some one on one time with me. It's ALWAYS been that way. I just stayed because he was funny and had a good job.

 

 

If I went into more detail about the way things have been between us the past 9 years, people would just think we were friends, which is how I feel towards him lately. We say I love you, and peck each other once on our way out to work. That. is. it.