Thinking of stepping out of my [sexless] marriage

[ZoeyLane]

Cheating is not a better option than divorce.

 

You will hurt your husband. Your child, when they learn the truth, will lose all respect for you. And you will lose you own self respect.

 

You say that you would rather cheat on your family than split time with your child and single parent - that is a selfish choice. You may think that you are doing it "in the best interest of keeping your family together - but really, it is in your own self interest.

 

It's not wrong to want intimacy in a marriage. If you need it, and your husband can't or won't provide what you need, do the honourable thing and divorce.

 

 

Selfish? I agree with that. But no, I won't lose respect for myself. I am not one to think that sex is shameful.

 

 

I think my husband is selfish for not fulfilling my needs, and expecting me to just stay with no change on his part.

 

 

I think my husband rather keep our family together and I think it would help our relationship for me to stop nagging him about it and make me a nicer person.

 

 

Honestly though, it probably won't happen. I probably won't do anything because the one guy that I think about calling I haven't seen in over 13 years, and he is married with 3 kids.

 

 

If he was single, then sure, but I don't want to break up a family either.

[DKT3]

Hmm, nothing we can do here.....you are building a tall wall of justifications, it's only a matter of time now.

[SammySammy]

Speaks to the importance of recognizing our deal breakers early. Making the right decision though the person may have other great qualities.

 

But, that's water under the bridge. Have to deal with the present situation.

[BaileyB]

Selfish? I agree with that. But no, I won't lose respect for myself. I am not one to think that sex is shameful.

 

 

I think my husband is selfish for not fulfilling my needs, and expecting me to just stay with no change on his part.

 

 

I think my husband rather keep our family together and I think it would help our relationship for me to stop nagging him about it and make me a nicer person.

 

 

Honestly though, it probably won't happen. I probably won't do anything because the one guy that I think about calling I haven't seen in over 13 years, and he is married with 3 kids.

 

 

If he was single, then sure, but I don't want to break up a family either.

 

Oh, I don't mean that sex is shameful. I mean that you will lose self respect because you will be deceiving and hurting your husband. You will be directing energy that should be devoted to your child and your family toward another man. You will be living a dishonest life. If you can hurt your husband, deceive yorur family, and live a secret life without feeling any shame, guilt, or remorse - then that's your choice. I could never do it. I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror.

 

I will agree that your husband is being selfish for denying you the love and intimacy that should be shared in marriage. However, in all fairness, you knew he was like this before you married. You walked into this situation eyes wide open...

 

Not that it matters. Your reasoning and justification already sounds like the twisted and delusional thinking of an individual engaged in an affair. You have already distanced yourself from your husband and absolved yourself of any guilt. At this point, all that's left is for you to find a willing partner...

 

I feel badly for your child. I'd rather grow up in a divorced household (perhaps with a mother who finds happiness in another relationship) than a home where my mother broke our family apart by lying and cheating on my father. To divorce and create a new happiness for yourself may be the harder road, but it is the right thing to do. Cheating is the low road, the easy way out...

Edited July 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[Lisonbee333]

You Know, It sounds like your husband might have something that really kills his libido. If he has trouble to perform and he only has sex a couple of times a year, that is a sign of something going on.

 

First of all, does he take Anti-Depressants? Those can really kill your libido, trust me, I took them before and really struggled to get up the urge to get going with my wife. I was the kind of guy who could perform several times a day too, before taking them.

 

Second, has he had his testosterone levels checked? A lot of males, especially around the age of thirty, begin to lose testosterone and without that stuff he's not going anywhere. Does he have other symptoms like fatigue, soreness and a lack of interest in things. Those can also be signs of low testosterone levels.

 

Thirdly, Does he have diabetes? Diabetes is known to cause the inability to get ramped up, and I know that men find it very shameful when they can't perform. He could be avoiding it because he feels ashamed that he can't get going with you, so he just avoids it.

 

Fourthly, Has he suffered some kind of psychological or sexual abuse in the past? This could be a reaction to that. Now a lot of people who do suffer sexual abuse tend to act out on sexual desires, but there is also the opposite where they pretty much become celibate.

 

Finally, is it possible that he has other women on the side? Now from what I've read this doesn't look likely, but a lot of times when sex tends to drop off the edge of the cliff, its because infidelity has something to do with it. It sounds like this has been going on for a while though.

 

Yes your choices seem grim, but I think you really don't have your bearings to make a final decision. There could be a variety of issues going on here that you need to figure out before you start making choices. My personal advice to you would be, start up a conversation the right way. Try to make a compromise about the situation, like if he gets his testosterone levels checked or something, you'll quit pestering him about sex or something for a while. I don't know, that's your decision. I think a really good thing to do is speaking with him and setting up a time for you to talk about it, so you both have time to prepare and ponder this. Take a look at these possibilities, and get some more, so you can go somewhere and help save your marriage if that's what you want.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ugh, another carbon copy of my life. OP, I think you need to go back and read through some of my posts on this subject.

 

I've been where you are only I spent 16 years married to a man who was very similar to your hubby and spent a good 8-9 years of that marriage completely sexless and devoid of any affection.

 

You're right, you have 3 choices, (1) to stay and accept what is for the sake of your family and financial security while remaining faithful, (2) stay and seek comfort in the arms of another man in order to cope indefinitely or (3) divorce.

 

I'm one who believes in fighting for one's relationship especially when children are involved but at some point, you have to decide how long you want to fight for something that isn't working. How many more years do you want pretend to yourself and to your children? How many more years do you want to live a lie and deny the things you really want in a relationship?

 

I too had a million 'discussions' about the lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage that went no where. I threatened divorced pretty much every day. I also seriously thought about stepping out of my marriage and had plenty of opportunity which made things even more confusing for me. In the end I realized I needed to sort out myself before I could sort out my marriage since I was eyeball deep and couldn't see straight anymore. That's when I started seeing a therapist for myself and it changed everything for me. I learned what I really wanted and needed and that I was much stronger than I ever realized. Eventually I laid down the law with my hubby and demanded marriage counselling or bust. Either he was on board to do his part to save our marriage or he wasn't and if he wasn't then I was done.

 

I'm happily divorced 9 years now with kids and only one regret...that I didn't divorce my husband sooner.

 

Reading back through your responses, it sounds like you've already made your decision to stay in your marriage and seek comfort. I think you're looking for validation here so the guilt would be less of a burden. Convincing yourself you can't possibly survive without your hubby isn't helping matters because the truth is you CAN and WILL as will your children. But it won't be easy, I guarantee you that but it DOES get better.

 

I want to remind you that women in far more compromising and challenging and even dangerous circumstances have managed to leave their unhappy and unfulfilling marriages with nothing only to gain everything in the end. When you want something badly enough you will always find a way.

 

Good luck.

[alsudduth]

Only because you keep saying that you have had this conversation with him multiple times, but you have never asked him to go get checked for something medically wrong, and instead "wish he would do it on his own without me asking"? That would be one of the first and easiest things you should bring up when talking to him about a possible solution to the problem.

 

To wish he would take the lead in figuring this out, without you having to say anything to him, seems very passive aggressive in my opinion for someone who is so miserable that she's thinking about cheating on her spouse. It makes me wonder how hard you have actually tried to get your point across as to how dire this situation is to you.

[ZoeyLane]

You will be living a dishonest life. If you can hurt your husband, deceive yorur family, and live a secret life without feeling any shame, guilt, or remorse - then that's your choice. I could never do it. I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror.

 

 

Yeah, that's what I thought about myself too. Oh how life changes you....

 

I grew up poor in a divorced household, and then my stepdad was abusive in some ways and then my stepdad and my mother were addicted to pain medication and didn't work.

 

 

Trust me, this is better. I don't feel bad for my son at all. He has a great father, unlike me. He has a great hardworking mother, unlike me.

[ZoeyLane]

Well thanks for your responses, I figured this would be the sort of response I would get.

[jenkins95]

Hi Zoe

 

I truly feel for you. This is an awful situation. It makes me wonder if your H has genuine medical problems, hormone imbalance, etc?

 

Apart from sex, how are you as a couple? Do you have fun, laugh, share interests, have great conversion, shared hobbies/activities?

 

If the answer to this is yes, how about a last ditch attempt at fixing things? Tell him exactly how miserable this is making you, say you have thought of D (but not an A), that you want marriage counseling, medical advice, etc.

 

If the answer is no, then perhaps a divorce is the only answer? You have very genuine reasons and should be able to do it amicably and neither miss out on your son. If it's really amicable, possibly all three of you could continue to do things together occasionally?

 

As a man who got burnt by an affair (and hurt many people), I advise very strongly against it. It felt like I was in control...... Until I realised just how totally OUT of control I was......and hell was unleashed on my family. I was stupid and am paying a heavy price as is my wife.

 

A good, honest divorce would be 1000 times better in my opinion, but better still if you can somehow rescue your marriage. It simply can't go on how it is - I mean, even no cuddling..... That's awful. I want to give you a hug right now. As a married person, you should never be denied intimacy to this extent. IMO, it was not fair of him to marry you if he knew he could not offer you intimacy.

 

Well done for seeking advice. We'll help and guide you all we can. Don't lose hope. You are young and have great times ahead...... As long as you are wise and do the right things now, and an affair is virtually never the answer.

 

Keep posting ((((Zoe)))) x

Edited July 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

Well thanks for your responses, I figured this would be the sort of response I would get.

 

Well, we've mostly already walked this walk you're about to put feet to. None or very few looking back would say, "man, I'd love to do that again".

 

As difficult as divorce may seem, it's a far better way then this once your look at.

 

Good luck, just don't feel our messages will hit the target.

[knabe]

You're living my old life, and my heart breaks for you.

 

Your son is learning sad lessons about marriage too.

 

Cheating is wrong, and you shouldn't do it. But I'll say your husband's unilateral decision to remove intimacy is just as bad as the unilateral decision to cheat. Period. It is sexual betrayal.

 

I lived this. It won't get better. End this marriage and give your son a chance to see what a real relationship should be.

[stillafool]

Better to file for D than to drop the A bomb on your marriage.

 

if he gets upset about not performing or whatever, wait until he finds out you had an A.

 

affairs destroy the BS.

 

Some commit suicide. Others keep after the OM after being shot and shot until the BS is dead, killed by the OM.

 

And the OM got off, because the BS kept coming after him even after being shot, so the OM kept shooting until the BS was dead.

 

Horrible stuff.

 

File for D, before dropping the A bomb on your marriage.

 

Make it clear to him that either he gets help, or you get a D.

 

Good luck to you. I wish my wife would ever initiate.

 

I agree with this. You never know what a person is capable of when confronted with being cheated on and especially by a spouse. OP you are going to have to sacrifice something as there is no easy way out. Either you divorce and live paycheck to paycheck until you can do better while enjoying a healthy sex life; or you stay and accept that this is the way life is going to be but at least you will be financially sound and your son will have 2 parents under one roof. You may have separated your emotions from FWBs in the past but you just might fall in love with your affair partner and then where will you be? Plus the sex you would be having with the affair partner will stay on your mind all the time further separating you from your husband. You will fantasize about what you did sexually with this person. There is no easy way out you just have to decide what is more important to you and stick with it.

[BettyDraper]

Your son might not be able to articulate his feelings in the clearest way now but rest assured he can feel the tension in the household. His understanding will only increase as he grows. Kids comprehend more than people think. Do you want your son to have a loveless marriage as an example? I say this as someone who was raised by parents who stayed together for the kids; it was awful seeing how resentful my parents were and continue to be.

[Jersey born raised]

You need to follow Michelle ma bell example. It is a good one for either men or woman to follow, and not just in cases of lack of intimacy.

 

You have a lot on your plate, I've glanced at your other threads. I can see why you settled for your husband even though he is wrong for you, unless he changes.

 

So, what is blocking him, why is he so afraid? Is it possible he is on the autism scale? I can see you being him with your FOO and work issues. Yet you are not. From what you written you seem well balanced, except for this idea of an open marriage.

 

Do not settle on half way measures you will destroy yourself.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, that's what I thought about myself too. Oh how life changes you....

 

I grew up poor in a divorced household, and then my stepdad was abusive in some ways and then my stepdad and my mother were addicted to pain medication and didn't work.

 

 

Trust me, this is better. I don't feel bad for my son at all. He has a great father, unlike me. He has a great hardworking mother, unlike me.

 

I'm sorry that this was your childhood experience. No child should be raised in this kind of environment. I've read your other posts, and it's obvious that you've had a difficult time in life. Is it possible that your experience with your parents have changed your perceptions of what makes a happy and healthy home?

 

I can appreciate that you are trying to find comfort for yourself and provide a good life for your son. There is nothing wrong with that, it is very admirable. But to be very fair, your child would have a great father and a hardworking mother, whether you are living together or divorced. Sadly, you will probably have the discussion with your son when he is older and he will tell you exactly how much he appreciated the fact that you stayed in a miserable, sexless marriage and cheated on his father... And, you will learn which he would have preferred...

 

You seem so sure of yourself. You have made your decision and justified this betrayal in your own mind. But, let's assume that you are wrong. Assume, that you are caught and your husband is devastated. Assume that your child discovers the truth - that his mother has created a family and built a home based on a lie. Assume that your child learns that everything he thought to be right and honest and true, has been nothing more than deception. Assume that your child learns one day that the mother he has loved has done hurtful things to his father and deceived him for years. Imagine, the disappointment and shame he will feel. Assume, that he feels about you the way that you feel about your parents. How would that hurt?

 

It's very clear that nothing anyone writes in this discussion is going to convince you that you are making a terrible decision. You have clearly justified your decision as "the best option" in a difficult situation. In which case, ignore the advice of others who have lived this experience, and learn for yourself the hard way...

 

But if I may, before you make this decision that will change the lives of your husband and your son... perhaps, you owe it to yourself and your child to get some counselling for yourself. Best wishes.

Edited July 12, 2017 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

 

 

I have never cheated on anyone, that's not the kind of person that I am. But at this point I am tempted. I don't see anything wrong with it, because my husband isn't interested. It just makes me sad that this is my life.

 

 

I am 34.

 

Time to have an honest talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and what you've basically said here.

 

Seems he's just not a sexual person and sex to you is important.

 

Maybe he'd be interested in an open marriage? Don't cheat on him. If you two can't fix things then divorce. You two can co parent your child and still be on good terms.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, this is what it means. I've had a FWB situation before I was perfectly fine with it. For about a whole year. I can separate the two, unlike a lot of people.

 

 

I just don't know what to do. Live my whole life like this? Without no intimacy, no affection? It makes me so sad. We are just too different.

 

TELL him all this stuff, speak from your heart and lay it all out on the line. Tell him you're tempted to cheat because of how there's no intimacy in your marriage. Maybe he'll wake up and realize he has to put in effort. Or get medical help (is it possible he has sexual issues that you're not aware of?) to see if there's a problem sexually.

[mercy]

Well thanks for your responses, I figured this would be the sort of response I would get.

 

I read heartfelt responses. What did you read?

 

Even though the replies were not what you wanted to hear, they are what you needed to hear.

 

Just a suggestion but if your mom can't afford to live alone move her in with you, I'm wondering if maybe she could help you with things. If you divorce.

 

You know, there's nothing like the love of a man, his touch, his words. Don't deny yourself something so beautiful, it will turn you cold. And you'll regret all the years wasted. In fact reread this thread, with difference eyes.

 

Two men on here talked in a post about TRT wish I could remember who. I'll try to remember. Your h needs a full work up.

[wmacbride]

op,

you knew he was like this when you married him, and while I an really understand and empathize with your frustration, it might be like asking a leopard to change his spots to expect him to suddenly become interested in being intimate with you.

 

It sounds like you are in an untenable situation for you, and while cheating may provide a short term solution, is the fallout really worth it? Is it right to ask your husband and child to pay the price for your transgressions?

 

It sounds to me like your husband is just acting as he always did, and since you married him knowing this about him, he likely thought you accepted it and were okay with that side of him.

 

You're not, and I can't say I blame you. You really need to explain to him how die the situation is for you right now, and you and he really need to work through this.

 

btw, it doesn't sound as if this is a new thing for him. Is there any chnace he's gay?

[chaoticjoy3]

Like others have said, do you think it is possible that there is something else going on here that you may be missing. I can completely understand your dismay, we are designed to be sexual, intimacy is a key part of a strong marriage but in your husbands case there is something else that is making this difficult for him. I do feel bad for you, but I also feel bad for him. Maybe he feels inadequate, maybe he is resentful that he is not able to satisfy you. Unfortunately, some men have a very challenging time discussing there feelings, especially in this area. Have you thought about counseling?

 

A book that I found really helpful in relating to my husband was the 5 Love Languages. Maybe just researching the difference in love languages could help you to figure out what type of behavior and thing make him feel loved, apparently his love language is not physical touch and that may be yours. When we, as husband and wife, are on opposite ends of the spectrum it can make it a bit tricky trying to show our spouse how much we appreciate and treasure them. I am praying you find a resolution to this that does not included stepping out of you marriage.

[knabe]

It sounds like the OP knows how to make HIM feel loved. And it sounds like he knows what she needs. He just won't do it.

 

OP, for the sake of the whole "trying everything" song and dance, I'd have as loving a "come to Jesus" meeting with him as I could. Use "I" statements and make it clear to him one more time (maybe 51 is the charm). Insist on counseling, and give yourself an internal time limit. If, say in 6 months, there has been no significant and consistent change....file and move out. Filing doesn't mean you are divorced. It means you mean business. If THAT doesn't wake him up, that tells you everything you need to know.

[roseofmyheart85]

At this point, I do see cheating as a better option than divorce.

 

 

For one I don't want to spilt my time with my son. I don't want to only have him part-time. I don't want him to be in a broken home.

 

 

For two we make good money together, and have a good financial plan together. If we were to separate, our finances would be separated and we wouldn't have as much cushion as we do now.

 

 

As well as contributing what I do now to my sons college fund, that would be gone. Also supplementing my mom's income since she is one Medicaid and Social Security, that would be gone.

 

 

My three options are:

 

 

1. Quit being selfish and stay in this marriage without cheating for the sake of financial well being of myself, my son, and my mother.

 

 

2. Stay in this marriage and the security it provides, and have something on the side on occasion.

 

 

3. Divorce and live paycheck to paycheck as a single mother.

 

 

Don't think I am using him, we both work and make similar incomes. If we divorced he would be living paycheck to paycheck too. Our income would be enough to sustain two households with nothing extra.

 

 

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I have thought about counseling, since we have never gone before. But we have no one to watch my son to be able to go to counseling as a couple. Also, it's expensive, and I don't see how it could help since that's just the way my husband has always been.

I am so sorry you are going through this and you are not alone. You mentioned counseling, but you have never gone before. A professional could help you navigate your situation step by step. They should be able to help you sort through your feelings as well as giving you suggestions about how to handle the situation with your spouse. If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can talk to, I wish you all the best and I will be praying for you and your husband.

Edited July 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Go ahead and cheat, he'll probably stay with you anyway if you get caught. You just have to act remorseful afterwards.

[ClassyTaste]

Google emotionally avoidant men. These articles will enlighten you. He is who he is and he may never change. He is not watering your garden. You may have to give him a few ultimatums and go from there.