Thinking of stepping out of my [sexless] marriage

[jenkins95]

op,

you knew he was like this when you married him, and while I an really understand and empathize with your frustration, it might be like asking a leopard to change his spots to expect him to suddenly become interested in being intimate with you.

 

It sounds like you are in an untenable situation for you, and while cheating may provide a short term solution, is the fallout really worth it? Is it right to ask your husband and child to pay the price for your transgressions?

 

It sounds to me like your husband is just acting as he always did, and since you married him knowing this about him, he likely thought you accepted it and were okay with that side of him.

 

You're not, and I can't say I blame you. You really need to explain to him how die the situation is for you right now, and you and he really need to work through this.

 

btw, it doesn't sound as if this is a new thing for him. Is there any chnace he's gay?

 

There is also the possibility of "Asexuality" - no sexual interest in either gender. Having read up a little on it, I can see that it's more common than we'd probably think. I had an uncle like that who's now died. He openly admitted that he'd never found anyone, male or female, that he was attracted to, and had no inclination for any kind of physical contact.

 

But he never got married and messed up someone else's life. I really hope that this isn't the case here and that through good converstaion, herapy and counselling, you can rediscover intimacy in your marriage.

[knabe]

There is also the possibility of "Asexuality" - no sexual interest in either gender. Having read up a little on it, I can see that it's more common than we'd probably think. I had an uncle like that who's now died. He openly admitted that he'd never found anyone, male or female, that he was attracted to, and had no inclination for any kind of physical contact.

 

But he never got married and messed up someone else's life. I really hope that this isn't the case here and that through good converstaion, herapy and counselling, you can rediscover intimacy in your marriage.

 

This. Not to be harsh, but if sex isn't important to you, be clear beforehand or stay single. And if you know your spouse is starving and you refuse to change, the YOU step up and set them free!

[dichotomy]

I will take heat for this - but I am in a slightly similar position accept that my marriage is generally nice, pleasant and my wife even likes to hold hands, hug and sit close and watch a movie. We have resolved a TON of crap from her past mistakes, and things are as good they have ever been. But the sex declined and declined and the last year we technically became sexless. This is from a woman who claimed she had a high sex drive and had to be married for the safety of all mankind so she could have sex all the time.

 

Back to you

 

If getting a FB (cheating) will make your life tolerable and livable - and you can separate emotion and sex - do it. Its so easy for a woman to find a no strings attached FB. Probably better looking and equipped than your husband.

 

Problem is - 1) Often someone developed feelings in affairs, not always but sometimes. Its easier for you if you are SURE you can keep it sex only - because plenty of men are out there who only want 30 mins of your time. 2) You may still get caught so you kind of sorta got to have a divorce plan.

 

As for hurting your husband - well frankly not your problem has starved you of affection and does not care about sex. As you say its about the risks for child and your living standards.

 

Sorry folks - I am in mood.

Edited July 13, 2017 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

I don't believe that you can at the moment, separate sex from an emotional attachment.

YOU are like a dry sponge thirsty for water and as soon as you find anyone to give you any attention at all, you will suck it all up.

Before you know it you will be besotted. You won't be able to help yourself, so starved are you of attention, and the man you choose will be just using you for sex... So no happy endings there.

 

Your son is small. I guess he will not be nearly so affected by your divorce than if you choose to stay till he is a lot older.

[tommyr]

I am going to break ranks and state that I believe your husband is at fault here, not you. His decision to deny sex and intimacy is an egregious violation of the marriage, and it sounds like you have done a reasonable job of letting him know this fact and the eventual consequences of ignoring this important aspect of marriage.

 

I would advise you have "one more" serious conversation, let him know that you did not sign up for involuntary celibacy, and that if sex is really so unimportant to him, then he should have no problems if you go do that "unimportant thing" with another man. By declaring the marriage Open, it will not be cheating, rather it is a lifestyle choice.

 

Your husband can then be the one to face the difficult decision of divorcing ... all over sex.

[knabe]

I am going to break ranks and state that I believe your husband is at fault here, not you. His decision to deny sex and intimacy is an egregious violation of the marriage, and it sounds like you have done a reasonable job of letting him know this fact and the eventual consequences of ignoring this important aspect of marriage.

 

I would advise you have "one more" serious conversation, let him know that you did not sign up for involuntary celibacy, and that if sex is really so unimportant to him, then he should have no problems if you go do that "unimportant thing" with another man. By declaring the marriage Open, it will not be cheating, rather it is a lifestyle choice.

 

Your husband can then be the one to face the difficult decision of divorcing ... all over sex.

 

1000 times this. I'm tired of the starving person being the villain. Consistently withholding sex is selfish. Period.

[elaine567]

By declaring the marriage Open, it will not be cheating, rather it is a lifestyle choice.

 

 

NO.

Unilaterally declaring the marriage is open IS cheating.

Her husband has already said he will not agree to an open marriage.

 

The only thing the OP can realistically do here, to stay on the moral high ground, is to divorce her husband.

[elaine567]

This is not just about lack of sex, this is about a lack of the whole package of love and affection that usually accompanies a relationship.

NO cuddles, no hand holding, no kissing, no signs of affection whatsoever.

Living in such a environment will be very damaging long term, not only for the OP but for her son too. His role model is a man who is emotionally cold.

 

What Lack of Affection Can Do to You

People with high levels of skin hunger are disadvantaged in multiple ways, compared to those with moderate or low levels. Specifically, compared to people with less skin hunger, people who feel more affection-deprived: are less happy; more lonely; more likely to experience depression and stress; and, in general, in worse health. They have less social support and lower relationship satisfaction. They experience more mood and anxiety disorders, and more secondary immune disorders (those that are acquired rather than inherited genetically). They are more likely to have alexithymia, a condition that impairs their ability to express and interpret emotion. Finally, they are more likely to have a preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment style; they're less likely to form secure attachments with others in their lives.