Affair Affect Custody in Divorce, Other Issues

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I've been separated since April. My affair came out in early June. Counseling didn't work and I told her I plan on continuing relationship with AP. My ex wife set certain rules to help her during divorce process. No contact with my AP. AP cannot be around our kids (teenagers). AP cannot be at my apartment which is walking distance from our house.

 

 

So my AP and I are planning on getting married eventually. We live in different cities 2 hours apart. We text all the time. Two weekends ago my kids were 12 hours away at cousins and my ex W and MIL were on a trip together many hours away. My AP came to visit for 2 days. We were careful but did go out and about around my area. My AP borrowed some of my daughters socks to wear when we worked out bc she forgot to pack them.

 

 

So my ex wife texted me that a friend of hers saw us together. Provided no details. I confessed she was visiting. My wife is a pro at psychological tactics and I wonder if she was bluffing. My ex said she doesn't want any evidence of her for kids to see. She said if she borrowed my daughters socks to workout bc she forgot to pack them, I need to wash them and put them back. She listed other stuff too about AP "evidence" at my apartment.

 

 

After she said that I began to think my ex W used my kids key and was in my apartment snooping and saw my daughters socks in laundry. My daughter hasn't been over in awhile bc of traveling. But then how was she spot on with us working out and my AP forgetting to pack socks. Does she have the apartment bugged?

 

 

She said that having AP present with kids or evidence of her in my apartment is a custody issue. My AP has never been around or introduced to kids. Could my AP presence in my life really affect custody?

 

 

I took the key back and she was not happy. She also want to know what kind of car my AP drives.

[SaveYourHeart]

It could absolutely affect custody. I don't think her demands are unreasonable, she doesn't want the kids to hate you and so she doesn't want them exposed to what you've done. Play by the rules until the divorce is finalized.

[somanymistakes]

Anything CAN be an issue depending on the judge's whims and how much of a fight the various people and attorneys want to make it.

 

That said, in general once you are officially separated and living in different residences, a new relationship can no longer be used in grounds in most situations. It doesn't count as an 'affair' once you're properly separated... but if you were carrying on before that and there's proof of it, that CAN be used against you, regardless of whether you see your AP during this period or not.

 

Are you in a jurisdiction with a long delay before a divorce can be finalised? If not, it might make things easier if you tried to keep your distance from your AP until everything is resolved. If your kids are teenagers, their opinions may get brought up in custody discussions as well, and you probably don't want to set them against you at the moment by making them think that you're an evil traitor.

[PegNosePete]

These are questions you should be asking an attorney who knows the laws in your jurisdiction.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

These are questions you should be asking an attorney who knows the laws in your jurisdiction.

 

I will but want to see what the general consensus is from people that experienced it.

 

 

From what others said above and my discussion with my ex wife, I need to put my kids first. My gf should understand that. I know my ex W wont approve but I don't see an issue going to visit my gf in her city as long as I don't publicize it.

[PegNosePete]

From what others said above and my discussion with my ex wife, I need to put my kids first.

Absolutely.

 

But your ex does seem to be sticking her beak in where it's not wanted or needed. It's completely irrelevant to the court and the childrens welfare, whether your ex saw you with another woman or not. Unless your new gf is a hazard to the children's welfare (eg. into drugs or violent) then it's nothing to do with your ex, she can huff and puff all she likes, the court won't give 2 hoots. They have seen the "I don't like his new gf" story a million times.

 

Having said the mother does have a significant advantage in custody cases so you do need to watch your back. It would make sense to establish a precedent of contact times and get it formalised ASAP. Once that is done, it's much harder for your ex to change it, even if she doesn't like your new partner.

 

In the meantime I would just ignore her stupid games like the sock washing issue and the type of car your gf drives. Just don't reply to that kind of stupid comment. You don't have to justify or defend yourself to your ex. Tell her thanks for the custody advice but you don't need her counsel, you are paying for your own legal advice from a professional.

Edited July 11, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Wookin Pa Nub]

PNP

 

 

thanks for thoughts. My ex wife is an extremely emotional and confrontational person. She keeps wanting to discuss things between the two of us vs going the attorney route. Trying to keep things friendly. She keeps telling me its for benefit of her healing and for the kids. She keeps telling me to hold off on filing bc of the emotional distress it will cause her and the effect on kids.

 

 

BTW the sock story was scary how accurate her assessment was. She either came into my apartment, sifted through my dirty clothes saw the socks and guessed exactly that my gf used those socks to workout out bc she forgot to pack or she has a bug in our apartment bc that is exactly what happened in the sock ordeal.

[PegNosePete]

She keeps wanting to discuss things between the two of us vs going the attorney route.

Well that in itself is sensible and pragmatic. If you can make an agreement between the 2 of you then it will save you both a heap of lawyer fees.

 

But from what you've said it sounds more like she's trying to force you to do it her way or the highway. If she can talk sensibly and maturely about issues that genuinely affect the kids welfare then you should definitely talk. But discussing all kinds of rubbish that you mention is simply a manipulation tactic. Discuss the useful stuff, ignore the rubbish.

 

BTW the sock story was scary how accurate her assessment was. She either came into my apartment, sifted through my dirty clothes saw the socks and guessed exactly that my gf used those socks to workout out bc she forgot to pack or she has a bug in our apartment bc that is exactly what happened in the sock ordeal.

Yeah, it does sound as though she entered. If I were you I'd change the locks. Only give your kid(s) a copy of the keys if it's essential that they have them. It's very quick and easy for someone to "borrow" a key from a child and have a copy made. Locksmiths are open 24 hours and can make a copy of a key in a matter of minutes. She could quite easily have taken the key and made a copy one night while the kid spelt, and even the kid would be none the wiser.

[Ahurtgirl]

Until your divorce is final, you need to make an agreement with your AP to not see each other if you don't want it to affect your divorce. Most affairs that turn into marriages work best if the affair never comes out and they both leave their marriages without anyone knowing the truth. It makes things easier with the divorce. Thus is why more often then not, men leave their marriages in the first couple months of the affair starting to be with the AP and it works because nobody knows why the married ended so no issues with custody, etc. Recently, a couple I know finally finalized their divorce and he is now pursuing a life with his AP. He did get full custody. His wife is a wonderful person also and the only reason he won custody was because he has the better paying job. It really just depends on the judge for how divorces turn out.

[reboot]

Most judges these days could care less about extra marital activities, particularly when you're already separated. Your soon-to-be ex can't enforce those rules she made. Ask your lawyer.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

 

Yeah, it does sound as though she entered. If I were you I'd change the locks. Only give your kid(s) a copy of the keys if it's essential that they have them. It's very quick and easy for someone to "borrow" a key from a child and have a copy made. Locksmiths are open 24 hours and can make a copy of a key in a matter of minutes. She could quite easily have taken the key and made a copy one night while the kid spelt, and even the kid would be none the wiser.

 

I live in an apartment and the key they issued me is this plastic deal that you cant make a copy of. Yesterday she asked for it back, not for her but for the kids. Yeah right.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Until your divorce is final, you need to make an agreement with your AP to not see each other if you don't want it to affect your divorce. Most affairs that turn into marriages work best if the affair never comes out and they both leave their marriages without anyone knowing the truth. It makes things easier with the divorce. Thus is why more often then not, men leave their marriages in the first couple months of the affair starting to be with the AP and it works because nobody knows why the married ended so no issues with custody, etc. Recently, a couple I know finally finalized their divorce and he is now pursuing a life with his AP. He did get full custody. His wife is a wonderful person also and the only reason he won custody was because he has the better paying job. It really just depends on the judge for how divorces turn out.

 

That was my original plan. Yes it would have been easier on me but also would not have hurt my ex W as much. But my Ex W has investigative and interrogation skills an FBI agent would be jealous of and she kept pressing and pressing and the burden and guilt of covering up the affair became too much.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Most judges these days could care less about extra marital activities, particularly when you're already separated. Your soon-to-be ex can't enforce those rules she made. Ask your lawyer.

 

What if affair started before we separated?

[reboot]

What if affair started before we separated?

 

The judge didn't give one hoot about my wife's affair, nor did any of the judges in several of my friends divorces. I had three different lawyers tell me that's how it is now.

 

In my case I filed adultery. I had proof, she was living with him. I got my divorce, but the judge gave it to me on the grounds of inappropriate marital conduct (cause she moved out of the marital home without good reason). The judge didn't care who she was banging (or when).

 

It isn't the 1950s anymore. Again, ask your lawyer.

[somanymistakes]

What if affair started before we separated?

 

Depends on jurisdiction. Ask a local lawyer.

[SaveYourHeart]

I know that where I live, affairs have a big hand in custody/alimony. You need to talk with an attorney. If it gets ugly and goes to a jury trial, juries are usually sympathetic to the scorned spouse (where I live).

[reboot]

I know that where I live, affairs have a big hand in custody/alimony. You need to talk with an attorney. If it gets ugly and goes to a jury trial, juries are usually sympathetic to the scorned spouse (where I live).

 

Is this in the US? I've never heard of a jury trial divorce.

[SaveYourHeart]

Yes, jury trials for divorces are fairly frequent where I live.

[TheWoman]

I'm not sure where you are based but in the UK infidelity has absolutely no impact on either custody or financial settlement in a divorce. What may have an impact on custody would be criminal behaviour, such as unlawful entry, trespassing or bugging your home and violating your privacy. I would furious if I were you. Your ex needs a wake up call, I'm sure she's v hurt but that's no excuse for those type of actions. My advice would be to file asap, and get it all out in the open. Yours kids will be even more hurt by lying and sneaking around. If you are 100% on the new relationship then make it an honest one.

[BaileyB]

Will the affair affect custody? That is a question for a lawyer.

 

Will it affect your wife's ability to deal with the divorce and move forward in a healthy way with her life? Absolutely. Will it affect your children's ability to deal with their parents divorce and move forward in a healthy way in their lives? Absolutely.

 

Different situation, but my dad moved on with another woman very quickly after the death of my mother. He pushed this relationship on us rather selfishly. It almost cost my dad his relationship with my brother and myself. It absolutely affected my ability to accept this woman into my life - it took years to accept this woman into our family.

 

Your wife's request that you not introduce your affair partner to the children at this time is not exactly unreasonable. If you push a new relationship on people who are struggling to accept the loss associated with divorce, it is never going to work out well for you. Given the fact that this woman is your affair partner, that makes things infinantely more difficult.

 

Consult a lawyer. And remember to the put the needs of your children first, always. Good luck to you.

Edited July 12, 2017 by BaileyB

[knabe]

I can understand why your wife would not like it. I really can.

 

Here's the thing: you live in a separate residence, and you are legally separated. While I do NOT condone an affair, you two are no longer in the same residence and are in the process of a divorce.

 

She cannot dictate what happens in your house, and unless you were foolish enough to agree to her demands in writing, she cannot withhold the kids from you just because there's a picture of your girlfriend in the house.

 

I'd stay VERY discreet and low-key until your divorce is final, but you are their dad. And unless you or your AP harmed them (and I don't mean the harm of cheating on their mom, though that is very wrong), no objective judge is going to screw you on custody because you have a girlfriend.

 

I understand that some people think they should, and I sympathize. But that isn't how the law is written, and that is just life.

 

One could argue that creating a giant legal battle to make the stbwx pay using the children as pawns is similarly damaging to an affair in the long run.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am staying discreet. Never introduced AP to kids. Only had AP at my apartment when I knew kids would be with mom or they were both out of town.

 

 

Yes my wife is very upset but she was trying to control situation and went snooping in my apartment looking for evidence of AP.

[SaveYourHeart]

I know some of y'all are saying it won't affect his divorce proceedings, but half of my job is tracking down cheating spouses and providing evidence of the infidelity for the purposes of child support/alimony/custody/division of assets. You need to talk to an attorney about it.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I know some of y'all are saying it won't affect his divorce proceedings, but half of my job is tracking down cheating spouses and providing evidence of the infidelity for the purposes of child support/alimony/custody/division of assets. You need to talk to an attorney about it.

 

 

 

I will talk to attorney but my state is a no fault state so it shouldn't affect anything other than maybe custody.

[reboot]

I know some of y'all are saying it won't affect his divorce proceedings, but half of my job is tracking down cheating spouses and providing evidence of the infidelity for the purposes of child support/alimony/custody/division of assets. You need to talk to an attorney about it.

 

I recently went through a divorce and no one cared about her adultery. Most states are no fault these days; I'm not sure what state you're in. *shrug*