girlfriend of 5 years has commitment issues

[throwaway1313]

i am 25m and she is 24f. We have been long distance for a year now and have half a year to go. before that we lived together for a year. We have such a great relationship. Excellent communication, trust, rarely argue really enjoy eachothers company. Problem is my gf has commitment issues. I brought up the idea of marriage a month or so ago and my girlfriend seemed kind of shocked at the time. She has been telling me lately that she is having doubts if we really will end up spending the rest of our lives together. She says that that is what she wants now but doesnt know if she will still feel the same way years down the road. She says things like "people grow apart all the time, what if that happens to us"? We are long distance now due to school and neither of us know where we will end up after we are done and I think this may be a big reason why she is feeling unsure. If we dont even know for sure that we will be in the same city a year from now, how can she be sure we will still be together then. She admits she has committent issues. Doesnt know where she wants to eventually settle down or when. Doesnt even know if she still wants to go to school for what she is studying anymore. She says that she still loves me and still thinks that our relationship is really strong, but she feels guilty that she is not as committed as me. She says she feels like she is letting me down and that I deserve etter. I have been trying to not let it bother me but hearing that she is unsure of our future really hurts when I know with all my heart that I want to be with her forever.

[somanymistakes]

Long distance is hard, especially when you are still young and growing and changing a lot.

 

Even if she hasn't met anyone else who is turning her head, she's going to be missing you and to be constantly bombarded with reminders that there's a lot else out there. That's very confusing, and can make her worried about whether she's doing the right thing, both for herself and for you.

 

In the middle of a separation is not a good time to press her about something like marriage. It will sound like you're feeling insecure and grabbing at her to keep her from getting away, which will make her feel more nervous and confused. I mean, definitely keep telling her that you love her and want to be with her, just don't press her to make decisions while you're not even together.

 

You first need to ride out this current long-distance situation and reconnect and make your next step plans.

[throwaway1313]

thank you for this. I think this is great advice. I'll try not to push anything and just wait out the long distance until things can go back to normal

[mikeylo]

Distance is taking a toll that leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings.It will be hard to make it work with another half a year to go.

[Cephalopod]

She's seeing someone.

[Jersey born raised]

Actually her comment about drifting apart (if not all ready happening) years later is a good one.

 

Read "His needs" Her needs", "5 love languages" and "Not Just Friends". These books will give you life long value regardless of who you are with. These three books are among many books commonly recommend to married couples whose reiationships are in crisis. Thing is I can't help but think, "gee if they (and I) had read these dam books before hand this mess would have never happened".

[avvril3000]

She is 24.... who wants to settle down at 24??? She still has a lot of life to live, growing, changing, maturing, exploring before settling down. What are you in a rush for? wait till you're closer to thirty to think about things like that.