Kelly143 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 (edited) Hey! So... There is this friend I've known for almost 18 years now. We have always been best friends (really close). We dated for a short time when I was 17 and he was 18. After we broke up and decided to just be friends... We dated other people. He eventually got engaged then married. We always stayed friends and I even became friendly with his wife. A few years ago he told me he had always been in love with me. We wound up hooking up (Everything but sex) and I felt horrible about it so I stopped communication with him for four years! I recently unblocked him and we started getting friendly again. He mentioned our previous hook up and wanted to do it again. We planned on sex at a hotel. We went to a hotel over the weekend and hooked up but not sex because I stopped it before it got there. So I mentioned the hotel in a text as a joke to him and he said if it makes you uncomfortable I won't talk about it anymore. Eventually the convo led to... He cares about me deeply he wants more than just sex from me all he wants to do is kiss me. He said can we hangout and see where this goes? But he's marrued and I know it's wrong. I just wanted to hook up but I'm starting to feel something for him. Also, I can't tell how he really feels.. Because he said lets get another room.. Oh I'm joking. So I don't want to get hurt here. Any suggestions? I feel a little rejected... A little upset... And want to just block him but idk. Any suggestions?? Edited July 11, 2017 by Kelly143 I sort of also feel like he was really into the idea of "us" but now he isn't. And maybe I'm the one pursuing him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Hey! So... There is this friend I've known for almost 18 years now. We have always been best friends (really close). We dated for a short time when I was 17 and he was 18. After we broke up and decided to just be friends... We dated other people. He eventually got engaged then married. We always stayed friends and I even became friendly with his wife. A few years ago he told me he had always been in love with me. We wound up hooking up (Everything but sex) and I felt horrible about it so I stopped communication with him for four years! I recently unblocked him and we started getting friendly again. He mentioned our previous hook up and wanted to do it again. We planned on sex at a hotel. We went to a hotel over the weekend and hooked up but not sex because I stopped it before it got there. So I mentioned the hotel in a text as a joke to him and he said if it makes you uncomfortable I won't talk about it anymore. Eventually the convo led to... He cares about me deeply he wants more than just sex from me all he wants to do is kiss me. He said can we hangout and see where this goes? But he's marrued and I know it's wrong. I just wanted to hook up but I'm starting to feel something for him. Also, I can't tell how he really feels.. Because he said lets get another room.. Oh I'm joking. So I don't want to get hurt here. Any suggestions? I feel a little rejected... A little upset... And want to just block him but idk. Any suggestions?? He only wants you for sex. If he was so in love with you, carrying a torch and all why didn't he ask to be with you the first time, divorce and be with you if you felt the same way. Afterall you two are best friends. He is not going to leave his wife and probably has hooked up with other women too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Why do people believe believe that if you had some kind of past relationship with someone that it's okay to cheat with them after they've MARRIED someone else? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Why do people believe believe that if you had some kind of past relationship with someone that it's okay to cheat with them after they've MARRIED someone else? It makes logical sense if they've encountered arguments along the lines of 'the marriage is REAL love and the affair is FAKE love because his wife has known him longer!' I'm not saying it's correct, just that it's one way this viewpoint can arise. To the OP: What do you actually want here? You sound very ambivalent. Sometimes you give the impression you'd be okay with no-strings hookup sex, but then at other times you seem bothered by the fact that it's not a real relationship, he's married, and that you're not sure how much he actually cares about you. It definitely sounds like he's interested in having sex with you. That "I've always loved you" comes off, in context, a bit more like "I've always been attracted to you", to me. Setting aside the morality issue for just a second, would you actually be happy having simple hookup sex with this guy a couple of times a year? I'm guessing that's pretty much what he wants here - a friend that he can bang occasionally, who otherwise won't be too much in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Do you REALLY need us to explain this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Why don't you just leave him alone since he's married? There's a reason your previous relationship didn't work out, if he cared about you all this time he should have married YOU. He didn't. you are being extremely Selfish here. He's got a wife. He's off limits. and if he's willing to cheat on her then that makes him a scumbag so why would you even want that? Because you want to "hook up?" Go pick up a single guy at a bar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 It makes logical sense if they've encountered arguments along the lines of 'the marriage is REAL love and the affair is FAKE love because his wife has known him longer!' With all due respect, this makes NO "logical sense" at all. I think it's just another excuse people use to justify their reasons for having an affair. I read the stories here and many have an element of "reconnected with an old flame"...like it matters. It doesn't matter. You're still cheating. It doesn't make you look any better morally just because you once dated the person or they were your high school sweetheart or something. It doesn't make a difference. It's still just cheating. <threadjack over, sorry> 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 He's after NSA sex. He was attracted to you then, he still is now... But it's no more than that. He wants you as as hotel sex hook up. You unblocked him, so he thought you were interested. His goal now is to go all the way with you... Then he'll either dump you or come back for more sex... But it will just be more sex. Not a relationship. Not leaving his wife... Just easy sex. You got friendly with his wife... You know it's wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 You don't want to get hurt here? Simple solution: no more contact. I'll give him credit for persistence. But sending out the occasional email or text to see if the block is still in place doesn't take too much effort and it doesn't cost anything. I don't recall that you mentioned your marital status. If you have an SO is this the sort of behavior you'd want him to engage in with an ex gf from 20 years ago? Ever read the phrase here "I risked it all for nothing"? Besides the ego stroke of being the object of another's unrequited love, what is in this budding arrangement for you? Proving the 16 year old you made a mistake? I hope you have read enough OW threads here to realize that A's with MM rarely end happily for the OW. And the fact that you had some sort of relationship 20 years ago doesn't improve the odds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Why do people believe believe that if you had some kind of past relationship with someone that it's okay to cheat with them after they've MARRIED someone else? I have no idea. It makes no sense to me... But then again, it makes no sense to me how any woman can feel entitled to sleep with another woman's husband. OP, save yourself a lot of pain and block him. He is not yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Makes no sense to me either, BaileyB... for the life of me, I just don't understand how these married folks act so entitled to pursue sex with others who are not their spouses...thereby intruding on the lives of others and playing on their emotions when they have themselves created a contract with someone else not to sleep with anyone outside said contract. OP, block and do not unblock. Full stop. Do Not ever unblock. This person apparently believes you to be easy prey... thinks you are a toy he found in a playpen... has groomed you to a huge degree to be his OW, which is an insult and manipulation. Do not engage further. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuestioningSoul Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 The whole block, unblock thing... when you block someone it's not like you have a Harry Potter strength invisibility cloak over you. If he felt so strongly, there are a myriad of ways he could have tried to get in touch with you.... yet he waited until you unblocked him. Unblocking is basically a green light for him to cross boundaries and see how far it gets him this time. He's not your best friend and he doesn't want more than just sex. Best friends don't have to go on fishing expeditions by mentioning hotel rooms. The whole "I'm joking" is so he could pretend he didn't mean it if he didn't get the answer he wanted. The real answer should be "f*** off, have some respect for me, your wife and yourself." You will get hurt. His wife will get hurt. You'll be on this site for years trying to figure out where you went wrong and wish you had a time machine. Go find a real best friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 This line 'I have always been in love with you' seems to score well. It makes an impression that the person has been thinking of you ALL this time..all these years... it feels so good. But gosh how all traps lead to the same thing. OP spare yourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Hey! So... There is this friend I've known for almost 18 years now. We have always been best friends (really close). We dated for a short time when I was 17 and he was 18. After we broke up and decided to just be friends... We dated other people. He eventually got engaged then married. We always stayed friends and I even became friendly with his wife. A few years ago he told me he had always been in love with me. We wound up hooking up (Everything but sex) and I felt horrible about it so I stopped communication with him for four years! I recently unblocked him and we started getting friendly again. He mentioned our previous hook up and wanted to do it again. We planned on sex at a hotel. We went to a hotel over the weekend and hooked up but not sex because I stopped it before it got there. So I mentioned the hotel in a text as a joke to him and he said if it makes you uncomfortable I won't talk about it anymore. Eventually the convo led to... He cares about me deeply he wants more than just sex from me all he wants to do is kiss me. He said can we hangout and see where this goes? But he's marrued and I know it's wrong. I just wanted to hook up but I'm starting to feel something for him. Also, I can't tell how he really feels.. Because he said lets get another room.. Oh I'm joking. So I don't want to get hurt here. Any suggestions? I feel a little rejected... A little upset... And want to just block him but idk. Any suggestions?? Ugh! This man is a disgusting pig and wants sex. Period. You are an easy mark. Period. PLEASE don't go there. You have already hooked up with a man who has a WIFE. He's gross. He's disrespecting his marriage. This won't go anywhere at all, except that he'll try to get sex out of you on his terms. He is literally looking for the lowest-hanging fruit and YOU are it. Who knows who else he has gone for. Please do not do this. You'll get burned and participate in hurting innocent people, all for a man who has already shown you how little he's worth. Yuck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Please let him go and also stop hanging out with his wife. You're not her friend. this will only end in disaster. He isn't yours to have even though he's offering himself up to you in a red bow! Tell him to shove it. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 We'd sit down with all interested parties and raise a discussion about polyamory. We actually did that when we noticed an interest in others, but did not act on it until everyone agreed to try it. The problem is the lying and deception involved in affairs, and the social convention that only monogamy is acceptable. If you can look beyond that, many things become possible - but, most people cannot overcome their social conditioning as it is a very powerful influence. Instead, many cheat, which is more destructive than considering something unconventional but honest. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Folks, it looks like the OP may be a one hit wonder as she hasn't come back since starting this thread so I'll close it up for now. If the OP returns and would like to reopen the thread for update they can request that via the "Alert Us" button ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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