Did your marriage end because your spouse was gay?

[Ahurtgirl]

I need to start being ready to date since my divorce, however, since I was married to a man that was gay for almost 20 years and he was the only guy I ever dated and than had found myself in an affair with a married man the past 4+ years, I'm realizing I am really bad at picking out men. Help! Any ideas on how to tell if a guy is gay or if they are married and are actually not going to leave their marriage? Please only respond if you have experience with this or understand these situations.

[RecentChange]

Well first, "if they are going to leave their marriage" is NOT an option!!

 

Your option are single men, and single men only.

 

As for screening for gay, honestly I don't think it's that rampant of a problem to screen for. An estimated 10% of the population is gay, and only a tiny tiny fraction of that is actively seeking women to date and live a lie with.

 

Now.... I will agree that perhaps your radar is off. It sounds like you have a hard time differencing between genuine and dishonest motives.

 

For one believe actions not words. Words are hollow unless followed by action. Don't listen to their words about how they want to treat you, but rather carefully watch how they DO treat you.

 

And no married men, any married men talking to single ladies are most likely world class liars, the last thing in the world you need in your life.

[aileD]

Great advice above. Single single single

 

Chances are you aren't going to meet another gay man, I think your x-husband was probably young and confused about his sexuality when you married. Not likely to happen again.

 

If a man is only available certain times, doesn't let you see his house/apt, doesn't bring you around his family and friends, doesn't post pics of you (if he is that type of social media-er), and is limited on where and when he can see you thsts probably a red flag to being married. So keep your radar alert. Don't trust online men unless you have some of the above mentioned things too.

 

I wish you luck. I can tell you're hurting and scared. Don't worry so much about finding a man. Find yourself and the right man will come.

[BaileyB]

Rather than trying to find ways to weed out the gay and married men... My suggestion would be to spend some time reflecting on the kind of qualities you would want to find, in any man you invite into your life.

 

Things like - Does he treat me with kindness and respect? Is he honest and trustworthy? Is he affectionate and loving? Does he make it a priority to spend time together? Is he reliable - does he do what he says he will do? Is he hardworking and dependable? Does he have close relationships with family and friends? Does he have any addictions - that's a deal breaker. Is he financially stable - another deal breaker. Is he married (regardless of whether he is willing to leave his wife) - definitely a deal breaker. And definitely, focus on actions rather than words.

 

When you date a man, you invite him to join your life. And when he does that, he will bring certain things to your life. The "things" that are most important will be different for everyone. But, focusing on the positive things you want in your life seems more productive to me than trying to identify all the dysfunction.

 

Good luck with your dating.

Edited July 12, 2017 by BaileyB

[PegNosePete]

The first thing you need to understand is that there are PLENTY of men in the world. You don't have to accept 2nd class treatment. If you ever get to the stage that you're forgiving certain personality traits or actions because he has redeeming features, or if you're making lists of pros and cons, remember... there are 4 billion other men out there. If you see ANY warning signs early on, move on.