It Isn't Polyamory If It Isn't Ethical (It's Just Cheating)

[lighterthanair]

If you don't understand polyamory, you probably will think this story is crazy or my partner is crazy (or beta, or whatever bs).

 

I am in a polyamorous relationship. My partner does not have a jealous or envious bone in his body. We are 100% secure in our relationship. I adore him. He adores me.

 

This being said, occasionally, we fall for other people.

 

Usually, it's not an issue - either the people were in open relationships themselves or were open-minded and single or some variation on that theme. We had fun times, relationships faded as most do, everyone left with good feelings on the experience overall.

 

If our relationship history were a resume, we could count on everyone we'd dated as a good reference.

 

Until... the MM.

 

Coincidentally, we'd known his W before they ever married. She was in the middle of a terrible quasi-relationship, caused a lot of drama and then vanished.

 

Then she just showed up one day, years later, with MM (her now-husband) in tow. He was much younger than her (6 years), and had married her very young (he was 23), he was 20 when they met.

 

We met at a reoccurring social event, connected on FB through the social group. My first impression was not a good one. His personality grated on me - he was brash and cocky and smug. He annoyed me. I should have stuck with that first impression.

 

For awhile, nothing.

 

I ranted about how annoying I found him to my friends, who kept telling me to "give him a chance" and that "he wasn't that bad".

 

So I reluctantly did.

 

For group administrative purposes, we started messaging each other. Then we started chatting casually about our social group. Then we started exchanging stupid memes and cat gifs and things we found on Imgur. I began to soften, he was funny and witty and thoughtful.

 

After about a month of casual chatting, he started telling me about his troubled past - abusive childhood, toxic family, high school bullies, his violent and emotionally manipulative ex-girlfriend, his repeated brushes with death.

 

He hinted at being sexually assaulted as a child.

 

I softened even more.

 

We started flirting.

 

Eventually, I suggested that, with her blessing and consent, we could explore this attraction. He said he'd have that discussion with her.

 

He came back and said that the two of them had a huge fight (not just about me, but also about some other personal unrelated crisis), the end result was that he and I couldn't be more than friends.

 

I thought I could handle that, I really did.

 

During the personal (unrelated) crisis about two months into our chatting, he revealed that he'd been having doubts about his marriage, that he thought his childhood trauma had left him incapable of emotions - that he doubted he really loved his W. He was on the verge of leaving her.

 

I tried to counsel him - I told him he likely did love her, that his unrelated personal crisis was probably messing with his head.

 

He came over after one particularly ugly fight and we talked for hours together on the couch. My partner joined us later and we just sat in pensive silence, letting him process his emotions.

 

The next day, he came and said "everything is fine, my marriage is fine, and you and I can continue exploring our attraction."

 

I really should have IMMEDIATELY asked his W about this, I should have been more skeptical about the circumstances that led her to agree to this, but I was already head over heels.

 

For a couple of weeks, everything was bliss.

 

And then I realized that she had unfriended me on FB (I know, I know, symptom of my generation). I immediately texted him and told him that he needed to talk to his W, because clearly she was NOT ok.

 

He got back to me and reassured me that she just needed time and space. He emphasized that he loved her and cared about her comfort, and we needed to slow down the physical aspect of our relationship.

 

I agreed (always go at the pace of the slowest partner).

 

It was during this period that we'd be enjoying each other and he'd say things like:

 

"I'm so close to not caring about W's comfort-"

"I want to f*** you so bad and I hate that we can't because of W-"

"I haven't ever felt this sexually attracted to anyone before."

 

And let these things hang in the air.

 

Every moment we had together, had to be planned around his W. It was like walking on eggshells.

 

And throughout this, he constantly talked about how ambivalent he was about being married. He loved his W, he hated being married, he valued and wanted me, he didn't know what he wanted.

 

Eventually, he started to- well, ghost. It was clear that I was not anywhere near a priority to him, just a pleasant option. His ambivalence was giving me anxiety and stress, and that was giving my partner anxiety and stress.

 

So I ended it.

 

I wish I could say I ended it because I realized he'd basically emotionally manipulated his W into turning a blind eye to our relationship - but I was too much in love with him at that point.

 

I remember in the week we were still trying to be "friends", I asked him WTF he wanted - because his W wanted him, and I wanted him, and the two of us were certain of it.

 

He said he didn't know what he wanted.

 

I started NC after that. It was hell.

 

I broke NC at one point because I really just wanted to rant at him because I felt like he had used me for emotional labor and to get over his ambivalence about his W.

 

He replied that he'd never been ambivalent about his W and that he was happy to be married and that entire period where he had been agonizing over his life choices was just a blur that he could barely remember.

 

He told me he never used me and that I was mistaken and he was not taking responsibility for my misinterpretation of events.

 

He kept hinting that there was still hope that we could be lovers.

 

I just discovered that his W blocked me on FB.

 

---

 

Anyway. I am posting this here because, despite all the trappings of polyamory, I feel like, and am, the OW. Even if his W knew about it. Even if she "agreed" to it.

 

She didn't agree to it. I'm pretty sure he gave her an ultimatum - let me have my cake and eat it too, or I'm leaving you.

 

And, like me, she's addicted to him, so the idea of not having him is extraordinarily painful. She'll probably never be able to break free.

 

I'm looking forward. I hope one day I won't think of him, because our life is too full with other people, who all want to and are able to be there.

 

In the brutally honest and concise summary of one of my beloved friends/ex-lovers:

 

"He's a dirtbag, she's willfully blind, and you suck for getting involved."

[aileD]

Yeah....at least you learned a lesson....always have a heart to heart talk with the partner of someone you're going to get involved with

[Birdies]

I would put money down that he never OKed this with the wifey....

[lighterthanair]

Yeah....at least you learned a lesson....always have a heart to heart talk with the partner of someone you're going to get involved with

 

I'm normally so on top of these things.

 

 

It didn't help that the one time I tried to have a heart to heart with his W, she refused.

 

MM reassured me that she just needed space and that she'd come around once she'd processed the situation.

 

I was such an idiot.

[lighterthanair]

I would put money down that he never OKed this with the wifey....

 

I'd agree with you, except I did try to talk to her at one point. I also know that she talked to a mutual friend of ours about the situation (they subsequently told me), so she was aware of what was going on.

 

Buuuuuuut, that doesn't mean she was truly OK with it, so yeah-

 

No deception, but definitely emotional manipulation.

[whichwayisup]

It seems you ignored many red flags and instead of taking the time to talk to her and sort it out with your husband present too, you chose to just go for it and assume he was telling you the truth. Deep down you knew she wasn't agreeing to this. Lesson learned, next time with someone else have the conversation and make sure everybody is on board on day one and keep the lines of communication open.

 

I hope you can free yourself of him emotionally and physically.

[lighterthanair]

It seems you ignored many red flags and instead of taking the time to talk to her and sort it out with your husband present too, you chose to just go for it and assume he was telling you the truth. Deep down you knew she wasn't agreeing to this. Lesson learned, next time with someone else have the conversation and make sure everybody is on board on day one and keep the lines of communication open.

 

I hope you can free yourself of him emotionally and physically.

 

Yeah, I was an idiot.

 

I've been NC, and I feel- mostly balanced now. The brain chemicals have evened out, with only the occasional fluctuations.

 

I don't think I'll be risking getting addicted again for a long time.

[Bastile]

What does your partner think of this business?

[somanymistakes]

The situation sucks, but as best as I can tell you didn't really do anything unforgivable. It was a mistake, but you tried to handle the situation maturely and you trusted the people you cared about. And (if I'm reading this correctly?) you didn't sleep with him, because you DID have ethics and you weren't sure everything was okay with her.

 

What happened sucked, you weren't perfect (who is?) but my read on it is mostly that this guy she's married to is a real jerk and you'd both be better off without him. From what you've said about her past relationship plus this guy, I suspect she has a slightly bad 'picker' when it comes to guys... you recognised this guy was trouble but were pressured to spend time with him until he managed to find the right emotional cues to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. I suspiciously wonder how much of what he told you about his past is real, and whether his wife would tell a totally different (but also sympathetic) story of his background...

 

From stories I've heard of similar mono/poly screwups, I'm not sure that talking to his wife would actually have helped, not while you were dazzled and starry-eyed with NRE. Angry mono partners who've been pressured into agreeing to something they don't approve of may either continue to insist that everything's okay when it's not, or voice their disapproval in ways that lead to big miscommunications. (like, the mono person saying "don't steal him away", the poly person insisting that she won't (because she doesn't want to STEAL him, only to SHARE him) but the mono person thinking that you just agreed not to date....)

 

Unfortunately poly only works when everyone involved is capable of being honest with themselves and others.

 

I hope you're doing better... but I quietly hope she gets free of him too.

[lighterthanair]

What does your partner think of this business?

 

It all happened very quickly and very intensely. He maintained from the beginning that as long as everything was conducted ethically, that was what was important.

 

The MM is... well... he's very charismatic and he took particular care in winning my partner over. My partner is also a kind and gentle heart who always wants to think the best of people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

[lighterthanair]

The situation sucks, but as best as I can tell you didn't really do anything unforgivable. It was a mistake, but you tried to handle the situation maturely and you trusted the people you cared about. And (if I'm reading this correctly?) you didn't sleep with him, because you DID have ethics and you weren't sure everything was okay with her.

 

That is correct, we did not sleep together.

 

From what you've said about her past relationship plus this guy, I suspect she has a slightly bad 'picker' when it comes to guys...

 

Her first relationship was abusive, he tore her down and cheated on her.

 

Her second quasi-relationship was with a narcissist who loved the ego stroke and with whom W was hung up on for a long time.

 

This is her third real relationship and it came on the coattails of his previous relationship (with the physically abusive/emotionally manipulative ex). It happened in a very similar way - they started messaging, he started confiding about the problems in his relationship, they got closer.

 

you recognised this guy was trouble but were pressured to spend time with him until he managed to find the right emotional cues to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. I suspiciously wonder how much of what he told you about his past is real, and whether his wife would tell a totally different (but also sympathetic) story of his background...

 

I had someone else suggest something similar. I think the story is generally true, the details might be shifted or exaggerated depending on the audience.

 

I hope you're doing better... but I quietly hope she gets free of him too.

 

I've been upset with myself for letting this intense chemical reaction cause such a huge lapse in my judgment. A great deal of remorse about not checking in with W, letting all those red flags slide. Kicking myself for not sticking with my first impression.

 

I'm feeling a fading sense of grief and loss - not of him, but the idea/facade of him and the dream of a happy foursome.

 

A good deal of irritation - W is a heavy social media user (I won't lie, so am I but about different things), she posts a lot about her perfect marriage and her perfect H. People comment gushing about what a catch he is and how happy they must make each other and OMG PERFECT COUPLE (emoji emoji). Her blocking me probably was actually a huge favor.

 

There's also a comment I have, about how he recently changed his narrative concerning the entire period of ambivalence - I'm trying to frame it in words but have yet to organize my thoughts.

 

I hope his change of narrative about being committed and loving her is reflective of his true feelings, and that this was just a one-off because I was so amazing or whatever.

 

Because whatever hell I've gone through these past few weeks, this roller coaster of emotions, is //nothing// in comparison to how she would feel if he left her or betrayed her.

Edited July 12, 2017 by lighterthanair

[lighterthanair]

What does your partner think of this business?

 

An update:

 

I just asked him your question -

 

"This was bad business. Mistakes were made."

 

Heavy sigh.

[stillafool]

I don't think him being 6 years younger than her is that big of an age difference. Is he younger than you?

[lighterthanair]

I don't think him being 6 years younger than her is that big of an age difference. Is he younger than you?

 

Yes, about the same.

 

I guess the age difference is less significant when you're older - like a 50 year old vs a 56 year old as opposed to a 16 year old vs a 22 year old.