Boyfriend wants brother to live with us

[snicole]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. My boyfriend and his brother have always lived together. Recently we have had serious talks about living together but the only problem is that he wants his 29 year old brother to live with us. My boyfriend and I work 40 hours a week except for his brother, he maybe works 20 hours a week. His brother refuses to bump up his hours at his job because one of his knees hurts sometimes. My boyfriend says he wants his brother to live with us because his brother is sick, but after 3 years of knowing his brother the only thing that happens is he gets seizures, which his medication helps him out immensely.

 

 

I told my boyfriend that I don't want his brother living with us, but I could give up some years, around 5 years I felt was a fair number. But my boyfriend wont settle for anything less than forever. I told him that if he lives with us that it will make me unhappy and put a strain on our relationship and could possibly ruin our relationship.

 

 

Even though his brother works he would be paying nothing. He wont help out on groceries, utilities, or rent. All of his brothers money goes to stuff like cigars and junk like that. His brother doesn't even buy his own medication, his mother does, so I don't understand why he couldn't help out on bills. I told my boyfriend that there would be no smoking in the house, but he is fighting me on that too since his brother smokes.

 

 

I told my boyfriend I don't care about the money when it all comes to it, it would just make me truly unhappy to live with his brother. When ever we talk about it he always says things like "if one of your family members was sick and needed to live with us I would let them". I feel like such a bad guy and I just don't know what to do because if the brother doesn't live with us then my boyfriend will be unhappy and if the brother does live with us ill be unhappy.

 

 

I love my boyfriend very much and I want to meet in the middle to make us both happy but I just don't know where that middle ground is or if it even exists!

 

 

I'm clueless on what to do!

[central]

I think this is a situation where you have to draw firm and clear boundaries. I would not move in together with them under these circumstances, where your concerns and requirements aren't being met. If you did agree, then the brother should pay, and agree to household rules. As things stand, why should you pay anything to live with them, either? I think you just need to hold out, and either things will work out, or you'll see that you're being taken for granted and used by your bf. Don't settle for that!

[GunslingerRoland]

Seizures is a pretty serious thing, the kind of thing where you probably shouldn't live alone as an adult.

 

That being said, putting your foot down on rules such as having to help out, and no smoking in the house should be pretty reasonable...

[preraph]

Look, there is no reason you need to live with your boyfriend and he clearly is prioritizing his brother over you. And no one is expecting him to pull his own weight -- or even stop smoking, which seems like a no-brainer. So before he has even moved in, your boyfriend has already taken sides with your brother and granted him everything he wants and no responsibilities -- while telling you no to all your needs. So I can't see this working out any other way than getting worse once he moves in, where they will both gang up on you to get their way and it will be two to one. You have no chance of winning any issue with these two since they won't even agree to compromise going into it! So it is what it is -- and what it is is you taking a back seat to the brother.

 

I just think you should start looking for a roommate of your own to move in with. If you wish you could continue to see your bf, though it seems like a waste of time since he's never going to marry you and hold you "above all others" as it says in the vows. The brother not being productive or helping out will be a horrible influence on your children should you have them and who knows if he's even trustworthy around them -- and you wouldn't want him smoking for sure then.

 

You're not number 1 with your man, and you should be or find another one. I'm sorry. I can't think of any other answer since your bf refuses to give a crap about your needs here.

 

Not certain at all, but maybe if you move out and leave all the responsibilities and expenses to your bf, he'll tire of the brother, but you'll never talk him into it. It will either happen on its own if he has to deal with it by himself or it won't because he already knows what it will be like.

Edited July 12, 2017 by preraph

[anna121]

Do not agree to this.

 

It looks like your BF prioritizes his brother over you. That's his call, but it's a poor sign for the relationship. The idea that you have no say over how his brother is to act while sharing living quarters is wild.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable in your expectations. You are not a bad guy. It's ok to decide what you can and cannot put up with.

[basil67]

Your boyfriend views himself as a carer - and living with a sibling is the kind of thing that carers do.

 

Question is though: are the brother's issues significant enough that he would struggle to live on his own? How often does he have seizures? Any other co-morbid illnesses? Does he have an intellectual disability? Autism? How are his social skills? Does he have friends? And what's up with the knee?

Edited July 12, 2017 by basil67

[Superchicken]

Hi,

I only read the heading of your post.

 

 

Didn't need to read anything in your post.

The answer is FREAKING NO.

Move out if you have to.

That's it.

Simple, easy answer.

Executing it, requires strength however.

 

 

Ted.

[Whodatdog]

Do not move in with your boyfriend. It will just save you the aggravation of having to move out again, because it would happen.

 

Do you always want to be second in his life? That is what you are signing up for. You may love him very much, but its obvious he doesnt love you very much.