A Great Girl, But...

[bigcity]

Earlier this year I moved to a big city to be closer to my family who have been going through some problems recently. I wasn’t planning on staying long, but felt I should be there for them while they needed me. I’m 37 and work remotely for my own small online business. While staying here I met a great girl. She’s 33, has a good job and loves the busy city life and doesn’t own a car. I on the other hand, have traveled a ton and can see that for me life is too short to be so overwhelmed by traffic and congestion and sirens and mean people. I prefer a quieter, laid back life and being able to drive places.

 

I wanted to see where this went, so I bought a condo in a high rise building in the heart of the city, which I intend to rent out when I move. Its a great condo and great building. But its still not me, at all. And she works M-F 9-7 and I am alone most of the days. My family drama has subsided and I’m ready to leave for sunny California where I last lived and have friends and a network. But long distance doesn’t sound appealing to either of us.

 

We’ve talked about moving to CA early next year. But at the same time she’s being groomed for a promotion at work. Which if she gets it, I fear she may want to stay. The other issue at hand is she might be at a different place in her life. She still loves night clubs. She doesn’t go often, but the desire is still there. For which I can’t relate. I grew out of that phase in my mid twenties. Along the same lines she says she’s really not ready for kids for 3-4 years, ideally. And to me that seems too late. I’ll be in my 40s then and would rather not be an older father like that.

 

The good? She’s sweet, she cooks, she cleans, is smart, is hardworking, has a great family, has a great heart, is beautiful and treats me great.

 

The bad? Loves the city while I hate it, may not be on the same timeline as me, and if you remove her from my life in this big city I am unhappy.

 

What to do? Stick it out another 6 months and see what happens? Move away and do long distance? Break up?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Why not wait another 6 months to see what unfolds before making sweeping and dramatic changes to your relationship that may be unnecessary?

 

If she things don't look good in terms of moving to CA together, or her not being officially done with clubbing, or her not being ready to have kids anytime soon, then address it at that time.

 

It may turn out that you are both at very different points in your life in which case you may not end up with a happily ever after. Happens to the best of us unfortunately.

 

 

Does she know of your concerns and how serious this is looking for you?

[spiderowl]

If you love someone and want to be with them, then you both have to compromise. You may stay in the city but visit the country, she may decide to try the country.

 

Not being ready for children could be a big issue. How long do you want to wait?

 

It sounds like you've reached the settling-down-in-countryside/suburbia, family, house stage and she's in the doing exciting social things, developing a career, not-thinking-of-family stage. She may catch you up in a few years but do you want to wait that long? Also, in this expansionist stage, she could meet someone else who is more in tune with where she is now.

 

I guess you have some thinking to do.

[SammySammy]

I think couples should be on the same page for most things.

 

Of course, there will be areas of disagreement, compromise, and sacrifice. Those should be minor issues. Things you're WILLING to compromise or sacrifice.

 

Children, lifestyle, and career seem to be major issues to me. If you all are not able to willingly come to an agreement on those issues, I think it will lead to resentment, bitterness, or regret down the line. Not good for the long-term prospects of your relationship.

 

Don't struggle with this. Talk to her. If you can't come to an easy agreement that's honest and sincere from both ends, part as friends. Anything less wouldn't be fair to one or both of you.

[preraph]

You're not right for each other. She is still into the big city nightlife and isn't going to be happy without it -- yet. Give her a few years to get burnt out on it. But the city/country thing is still going to be an issue. I was torn about it when I was younger and my needs have changed over the decades, but I was a country girl whose main loves were animals and then music, which I had to be in the city for. My dream was to become rich and just buy a place in the country and spend some time in both places, but that never happened. Now I wouldn't move out of the city because I'm too dependent on TexMex and getting too old to be far from things.

 

Not many people who still want to go clubbing a lot are really ready for marriage. I mean, if it's all about music, then maybe, but not if it's just to go socializing. They're still exploring.

[Popsicle]

Earlier this year I moved to a big city to be closer to my family who have been going through some problems recently. I wasn’t planning on staying long, but felt I should be there for them while they needed me. I’m 37 and work remotely for my own small online business. While staying here I met a great girl. She’s 33, has a good job and loves the busy city life and doesn’t own a car. I on the other hand, have traveled a ton and can see that for me life is too short to be so overwhelmed by traffic and congestion and sirens and mean people. I prefer a quieter, laid back life and being able to drive places.

 

I wanted to see where this went, so I bought a condo in a high rise building in the heart of the city, which I intend to rent out when I move. Its a great condo and great building. But its still not me, at all. And she works M-F 9-7 and I am alone most of the days. My family drama has subsided and I’m ready to leave for sunny California where I last lived and have friends and a network. But long distance doesn’t sound appealing to either of us.

 

We’ve talked about moving to CA early next year. But at the same time she’s being groomed for a promotion at work. Which if she gets it, I fear she may want to stay. The other issue at hand is she might be at a different place in her life. She still loves night clubs. She doesn’t go often, but the desire is still there. For which I can’t relate. I grew out of that phase in my mid twenties. Along the same lines she says she’s really not ready for kids for 3-4 years, ideally. And to me that seems too late. I’ll be in my 40s then and would rather not be an older father like that.

 

The good? She’s sweet, she cooks, she cleans, is smart, is hardworking, has a great family, has a great heart, is beautiful and treats me great.

 

The bad? Loves the city while I hate it, may not be on the same timeline as me, and if you remove her from my life in this big city I am unhappy.

 

What to do? Stick it out another 6 months and see what happens? Move away and do long distance? Break up?

 

I love that you asked this. You seem very thoughtful and I hope you're a man of action and not just thoughts.

 

I think you should give it 6 more months, but more importantly, it's time for you to start dropping hints or outright talking about the kind of life you prefer to live and see in your future. She needs to know. She needs to know your real feelings too. Right now she thinks you're a city boy and loving it. You may be surprised that she comes over to your way of thinking. (She can't truly love clubbing still at 33...)

Sometimes you date nothing but guys who aren't serious, you start to think nobody's serious, so you just keep playing.

[Popsicle]

Oh and don't even think about long distance. If you move, end it and find someone locally.