I want him to want me.

[LoveEK]

I have been with my fiance now for nearly 3 years. We were newly engaged this past winter. For the first year and a half of our relationship we were living long distance from one another, seeing each other mostly on weekends.

 

Our sex life seemed normal because of the time between each visit and we would do it once maybe twice during those times. During the time we weren't together, we would keep it spicy with pictures and dirty talk.

 

I moved to the town he lives in about a year and a few months ago and moved in with him, that's when things didn't seem right. I was so use to having sex with him once a week because that's how often we would see each other. Living with him, it remained the same. Once a week, maybe twice if I was lucky. His drive is little to nothing.

 

I would bring it up, we would discuss it and it would get better for a week and than it would go back to the same way again. I realize that his low libido doesn't have anything to do with me. When he gets going, it's clear that I turn him on but getting him to that point is like trying to put a cat in water... a struggle and on top of that there have been times where I have made attempts to him into it and he rejects me completely. With this I feel like my confidence is getting worse. I want to be able to just pounce on him or send him a dirty message or put on a some lingerie (which I bought months ago and has been sitting in my drawer) but can't because rejection feels terrible and it seems to feel worse and worse every time.

 

We had a discussion recently. I sent him a text message one day asking him what I can do to make it better for him? I told him I want him to be so comfortable with me and that I would do whatever I could to make that possible. Couple hours went by with no response. He later told me he was busy at work and couldn't talk about it right than and there which is fair.

I got into bed with him that night and tried to bring it up again and he said I don't know. I was tired and fell asleep shortly after that. Next day texted him and told him we need to talk about this. So that night we went to bed and talked, I told him I understand this has nothing to do with me and that there is an issue here but I want to work as a team to figure it out. That eventually lead to him telling me I don't do things I use to do at the beginning because I mentioned that to him as well. I told him to give me an example. He said send him pictures. He said that would be a good way to get him excited for later that evening. He also said, he understands where I am coming from and is going to work on things. He said I may have to live with the fact that his sex drive will never be anywhere close to what mine is.

 

So today, I did what he suggested and sent him a photo after I went and had a massage. I waited couple hours and heard nothing. And you'd think that him telling me that he's busy at work would suffice and make me back off but when you're on Facebook and replying to other people it doesn't. So once again I feel stupid and I'm really starting to lose faith in this.

 

I don't want to give up on this. I love this man and I am excited to be his wife and every other aspect of our relationship is amazing but this. Can someone please give me some suggestions?

[RecentChange]

I am sorry but I don't have anything encouraging to say.

 

I have rarely, perhaps never heard of someone's libido increasing during a long term relationship.

 

My husband kept up with me for oh, at least the first 5+ years. Then things wained.

 

We have our better periods, when we are both putting a lot of work in to keeping things spicy. But the moment life gets stressful, down it goes.

 

I do the naughty texts, the photos, the hints.... It helps some, but I won't lie, doing the heavy lifting sucks.

 

I don't think you can change him.... Maybe you two can meet in the middle, but don't count on him suddenly showing that he wants you as much as you would like.

[SammySammy]

I am sorry but I don't have anything encouraging to say.

 

I have rarely, perhaps never heard of someone's libido increasing during a long term relationship.

 

My husband kept up with me for oh, at least the first 5+ years. Then things wained.

 

We have our better periods, when we are both putting a lot of work in to keeping things spicy. But the moment life gets stressful, down it goes.

 

I do the naughty texts, the photos, the hints.... It helps some, but I won't lie, doing the heavy lifting sucks.

 

I don't think you can change him.... Maybe you two can meet in the middle, but don't count on him suddenly showing that he wants you as much as you would like.

 

Agreed.

 

It's sad how often this happens.

 

The bottom line is folks have to be willing to do what it takes to maintain their relationship or it will suffer. Neglect it and it will die.

 

If you don't water your plants, they die. Don't feed your pets, they die. Or run off. Don't take care of your relationship, ....

 

That's how nature works. Relationships are living things. They must be tended and cared for like living things.

Edited July 12, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[somanymistakes]

It seems like his libido has always been at this level. It may not be changeable. Some people just don't have as much sex drive as others.

 

If he actively wants to work on changing that for your benefit, then you can do a little bit of exploration to see if there's any external factor lowering his sex drive. Are there any psychological issues regarding sexuality? Are his testosterone levels normal, or low?

 

However, this is a long shot.

[LoveEK]

It seems like his libido has always been at this level. It may not be changeable. Some people just don't have as much sex drive as others.

 

If he actively wants to work on changing that for your benefit, then you can do a little bit of exploration to see if there's any external factor lowering his sex drive. Are there any psychological issues regarding sexuality? Are his testosterone levels normal, or low?

 

However, this is a long shot.

 

Thanks for your response. I have made a suggestion to him to get a physical done to make sure everything is good. I think there are a number things in his life. He has a stressful job, that is sometimes a 12 to 14 hour a day job, he smokes cigarettes which has seemed to be more recently but I don't think that would be an issue. I have dated smokers in the past and both of them I couldn't keep off of me.

[mmathers]

It seems like his libido has always been at this level. It may not be changeable. Some people just don't have as much sex drive as others.

 

If he actively wants to work on changing that for your benefit, then you can do a little bit of exploration to see if there's any external factor lowering his sex drive. Are there any psychological issues regarding sexuality? Are his testosterone levels normal, or low?

 

However, this is a long shot.

 

 

hmm im new here as well, but reading your intro, he has low libido compared to yours. there are organic things that cause that, somebody mentioned hormonal issues so if he is willing to go to his doc to get a check up to see what his thyroid levels are, get other blood work done. has he ever had surgery in that area?

 

then other things come to mind

is he depressed/stressed out from something else?

is he on medication that takes away drive(ie antidepressants)? or does he use illicit drugs?

is work getting out of hand or is he disappointed in something?

is he getting stimulated elsewhere: porn, another partner?

has he suffered from abuse/rape/ptsd or trauma of any kind?

 

im just spitballing, so take what you will

[stayTogether]

I have been with my fiance now for nearly 3 years. We were newly engaged this past winter. For the first year and a half of our relationship we were living long distance from one another, seeing each other mostly on weekends.

 

Our sex life seemed normal because of the time between each visit and we would do it once maybe twice during those times. During the time we weren't together, we would keep it spicy with pictures and dirty talk.

 

I moved to the town he lives in about a year and a few months ago and moved in with him, that's when things didn't seem right. I was so use to having sex with him once a week because that's how often we would see each other. Living with him, it remained the same. Once a week, maybe twice if I was lucky. His drive is little to nothing.

 

I would bring it up, we would discuss it and it would get better for a week and than it would go back to the same way again. I realize that his low libido doesn't have anything to do with me. When he gets going, it's clear that I turn him on but getting him to that point is like trying to put a cat in water... a struggle and on top of that there have been times where I have made attempts to him into it and he rejects me completely. With this I feel like my confidence is getting worse. I want to be able to just pounce on him or send him a dirty message or put on a some lingerie (which I bought months ago and has been sitting in my drawer) but can't because rejection feels terrible and it seems to feel worse and worse every time.

 

We had a discussion recently. I sent him a text message one day asking him what I can do to make it better for him? I told him I want him to be so comfortable with me and that I would do whatever I could to make that possible. Couple hours went by with no response. He later told me he was busy at work and couldn't talk about it right than and there which is fair.

I got into bed with him that night and tried to bring it up again and he said I don't know. I was tired and fell asleep shortly after that. Next day texted him and told him we need to talk about this. So that night we went to bed and talked, I told him I understand this has nothing to do with me and that there is an issue here but I want to work as a team to figure it out. That eventually lead to him telling me I don't do things I use to do at the beginning because I mentioned that to him as well. I told him to give me an example. He said send him pictures. He said that would be a good way to get him excited for later that evening. He also said, he understands where I am coming from and is going to work on things. He said I may have to live with the fact that his sex drive will never be anywhere close to what mine is.

 

So today, I did what he suggested and sent him a photo after I went and had a massage. I waited couple hours and heard nothing. And you'd think that him telling me that he's busy at work would suffice and make me back off but when you're on Facebook and replying to other people it doesn't. So once again I feel stupid and I'm really starting to lose faith in this.

 

I don't want to give up on this. I love this man and I am excited to be his wife and every other aspect of our relationship is amazing but this. Can someone please give me some suggestions?

 

Definitely don't give up as your once a week routine makes you FAR from sexless. But both of you read these if you haven't already.

 

This one is directed at you.

This one is directed at him.

 

These, along with a book written by the author of these articles helped me and my SO immensely and likely saved our marriage. Both you and your partner need to modify your thinking and behavior as you've likely fallen into predictable roles.

 

For us the biggest improvement outside of those articles came from exercise and a healthy lifestyle as this did wonders for the libido. Next most important was being real and addressing pornography use. This can kill a libido dead. If he watches it, have him give it up for some time and that alone may do the trick. Don't believe me it is bad? Watch this

.

 

Mismatched sexual desires is a common problem and if you love each other and work as a team (as you indicated you want to do), it can be overcome. You will BOTH need to make changes, but they will be well worth the effort.

Edited August 3, 2017 by stayTogether

[JHandy]

I'm not sure how old you guys are. That can be a factor. Smoking and stress is a big factor as well. If he's viewing porn and has shame with it, that's a big factor. These are good things to knock off the suspect list first.

 

The post referring you and him to psychology today resources is excellent. You both are sexually phased out and have limited compatibility.

 

First, what are the photos of - in general? How far do you go with sexting?

 

He may operate more in the head than with his organ. He may be more sparked there then down there. It happens. How would you feel if he pleases you without reciprocation?

 

All the advice here is good. One thing that I thought was fun to do is get two decks of adult cards with sex acts or situations on them. In one of your nights get kinda sexy and get some wine and each of you take your deck of cards and make secret piles of won't do, would cimcider, would do, would only like in fantasy, etc. whatever makes sense to you guys. Then after you make your piles, reveal them from the least tantalizing to the most - by your definition.

 

You both have to be committed to telling the truth and be honest.

 

As you reveal your cards some things will be predictable other things will surprise you. Talk about it and keep it fun. You'll learn a lot about each other. You both may find in this discovery that you may decide you want to move cards from one pile to another.

 

I can tell that you are adventurous. That's awesome. If his sexual organ is his brain, you both may find where you go is very exciting.

 

Help him open up to this. Let him know that you are ok with him totally.

 

If he does watch porn, is that something you could do with him?

 

It's my belief all sex in a marriage needs to be shared. No matter what it is. Porn, if watched should be shared. Him watching alone and rejecting you should be disallowed. Just let him know you guys watching dirty movies is ok to do together.

 

Good luck!!!

[jenkins95]

(((iamalwaysme)))

 

Not much to add, except to say that once or twice a week is actually reasonably normal for an established relationship of over several years. In long marriages like mine with kids, it's often an effort to keep up even once a week, although it is very rare for us to go the whole week without. I don't think you guys have kids? But you do seem to have very busy jobs, which can have a similar energy-sapping effect, especially 12-14 hour shifts.

 

However, if it is a problem for you, then it is a problem and that's that. I'm just trying to say that I don't believe he necessarily has a problem or that he doesn't want you. Just that his natural libido and energy level doesn't match yours. I see from your posts that you already see this!

 

As with most things in life, conversation and communication is key. Keep up the talks and let him know important it is for you - keep them light and fun, but make it clear that this is a real issue for you. He seems to have been quite shy and reserved around these talks up until now, but I do understand as a man that it can be embarrassing and perhaps make him feel a little inadequate. It sounds like he really loves you, so he should listen and do his part. If necessary, I think medical help is available for libido issues.

 

I wish you all the very best!