Moving out of state after seperation?

[bct2017]

Hello,

Me and my spouse rent an apartment in one of the 4 largest cities in the U.S. We have no children. We are separating mostly because we are in a loveless, sexless marriage and have not been able to fix. We want to therapy.

 

I have not been happy here and have wanted to move to florida for years.

 

My wife knows this and yesterday she said she wants me to be happy and she wants to stay in apartment because she is not ready to move and I could go to florida.

 

Is it a bad idea for me to move to florida while separated? Part of me feels bad like I am leaving spouse and going to live by a beach while she is in old apartment.

 

Do I need to take things more slow and stay in big city for one more year in separate apartment while we divorce then move to Florida. Or should I be selfish and just haul off and move to Florida in the next month.

 

 

Thank you

[somanymistakes]

Well, it's pretty much admitting that the relationship is over and definitely not going back, but if that's the state you're in, you may as well go do what you want. If you don't want to be there, what's the point of having a temporary apartment?

[bct2017]

Well, it's pretty much admitting that the relationship is over and definitely not going back, but if that's the state you're in, you may as well go do what you want. If you don't want to be there, what's the point of having a temporary apartment?

 

yes I guess that is true I guess I am just dealing with guilt because i am the one that wants divorce and i feel I am just leaving her and she is staying in apartment for me in a way. I aksed her are you sure you are staying in apartment because it is what you want and she said yes it works good for her.

 

 

I guess there is just a guilty feeling knowing I can be on the beach in the sunshine in a month and wondering if it is to much change all at once.

 

But I do not feel like I want to stay in this city and in another winter i have been depressed and feel like leaving will help.

 

Even know I know this relatinshiop is not working it hurts to see how sad my souse is . But maybe me being farther away will help also.

 

A year ago I moved out for four months and moved back I lived 20 minutes away and I new it was a mistake to move back. So maybe being farther away will help me start a new life.

[Marc878]

IMO if it's over do what you want. Why would you live your life for some else?

[bct2017]

IMO if it's over do what you want. Why would you live your life for some else?

 

I have extreme anxiety problems so I think I just worry about everything and I worry for my wife and how she will do she has no family in this country but she has some friends. So I guess yes your right I need to live my life.

 

 

I just keep thinking about her and I am the one that is leaving.

 

I guess a lot of what ifs going through my head but maybe i need to just tear the bandaid off.

 

If my wife is saying go I should go. I am just a little afraid if i go what happens if she freaks out.

 

I will also need to fly back to get the divorce. Is it smart to be in another state when just seperated?

[central]

I have extreme anxiety problems so I think I just worry about everything and I worry for my wife and how she will do she has no family in this country but she has some friends. So I guess yes your right I need to live my life.

 

 

I just keep thinking about her and I am the one that is leaving.

 

I guess a lot of what ifs going through my head but maybe i need to just tear the bandaid off.

 

If my wife is saying go I should go. I am just a little afraid if i go what happens if she freaks out.

 

I will also need to fly back to get the divorce. Is it smart to be in another state when just seperated?

 

You may not need to return for the divorce. As long as nothing is contested, you lawyer has you sign some documents, and represents you in court. I moved to FL from MA and did my divorce that way - no hassle.

[bct2017]

You may not need to return for the divorce. As long as nothing is contested, you lawyer has you sign some documents, and represents you in court. I moved to FL from MA and did my divorce that way - no hassle.

 

yes it will be uncontested no children

[bct2017]

maybe this would be another post but I am being given and taking the chance to start a new life in Florida what I wanted for a long time.

 

 

If I am having so much anxiety about leaving do i need to take another look at marriage and make sure i am doing the right thing?

 

 

we never cheated I just do not feel I love her I care for her but I fantasize about a life with someone else that I have not met but just someone else.

 

Do you think the fact that I already moved out once a year ago for four months then moved back the past year and things are still bad is a sign i need to give up on marriage if we have not been in a healthy marriage for the last 4 years of a five year marriage.

 

 

Should I just get to florida work on self and if I end up thinking it was a mistake she can come down after a year if she is still wanting to work on marriage.

 

I am also prepeared that she may move on .

[preraph]

Just go. It sounds like she knows this is over and now she is free to move on with her life. She can move if she wants to later. I guess you're on a lease, so I'd just say that if she decides she also wants to move before the lease is up, repay her the favor of setting you free by helping pay off the remaining months due. But sounds like she plans to stay there awhile. Good luck.

[bct2017]

Just go. It sounds like she knows this is over and now she is free to move on with her life. She can move if she wants to later. I guess you're on a lease, so I'd just say that if she decides she also wants to move before the lease is up, repay her the favor of setting you free by helping pay off the remaining months due. But sounds like she plans to stay there awhile. Good luck.

 

thank you you are right I think its becoming more about setting her free she has been through a lot with me i feel awful.

 

 

I do not want her to have any issues with apartment because she wants to stay we are both on lease i was planning on letting landlord know i will be leaving but staying on the lease and not making things complicated. my spouse is very responsible and she cannot find an apartment in a safer neighborhood. I am not worried about her breaking lease but i hope me leaving does not cause any problems with lease. I plan on giving her some money for a time period because i make more and can afford it. Its a small amount but just a cushion to help her transition because I was paying for more of the bills for the past five years so do not want her to have to much on her plate all at once i plan on weening in off for six months. But like I said it is not a huge amount of money I will be giving her.

 

BUt I am willing to stay on the lease so the landlord does not say we are breaking it because I believe that even if one signee moves out the lease is broken. We have lived in this apartment for 3 years and landlord did not give any problems the last time i moved out for 4 months i just hope he does not get upset because this is the second time.

[Birdies]

I think a fresh start could be really healthy for you. You need to get used to not having your spouse in your life as your partner anymore, and that's easier done from afar.

 

My husband and I split up 1-1.5 years ago and he moved out of state while I bought him out of his share of our home. I think he's appreciated having that fresh start and distance from me (divorce was not expected or very desired on his part )

[bct2017]

I think a fresh start could be really healthy for you. You need to get used to not having your spouse in your life as your partner anymore, and that's easier done from afar.

 

My husband and I split up 1-1.5 years ago and he moved out of state while I bought him out of his share of our home. I think he's appreciated having that fresh start and distance from me (divorce was not expected or very desired on his part )

 

yes that makes sense i guess in the end i have to make decisions. When someone leaves a comment that is leaning towards work on things my brain says yeah work on things and then when someone leaves a comment saying better to go my brian agrees with that to and I just keep going back and forth back and forth

 

driving me crazy. but I do think i really pushed my wife away so i am not sure she even thinks our marriage is savable at this point. But if I did make a big push to try and save it i think she would try the thing is if it did not workout I think it would destroy her and I do not want to hurt her anymore.

[Birdies]

yes that makes sense i guess in the end i have to make decisions. When someone leaves a comment that is leaning towards work on things my brain says yeah work on things and then when someone leaves a comment saying better to go my brian agrees with that to and I just keep going back and forth back and forth

 

driving me crazy. but I do think i really pushed my wife away so i am not sure she even thinks our marriage is savable at this point. But if I did make a big push to try and save it i think she would try the thing is if it did not workout I think it would destroy her and I do not want to hurt her anymore.

 

You said you don't feel in love with her and you are fantasizing about starting fresh with someone else, right? I think it's good to listen to your gut. We so want to save our marriages and uphold our vows, etc, that it's hard to contemplate starting over anew. But you just have ONE life. How do you want to spend it? Is this marriage bringing you more happiness than stress / unhappiness? Are the issues you have something that could be fixable? Maybe seeing an individual counseler could help you work through your feelings.

[BaileyB]

Go to Florida. Work on your own mental health.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not sure why you're over-thinking this. You're free and single. You can do whatever you please. Whether that's moving to Florida, Colombia, Thailand or a remove village in the Amazon. It's up to you. Live your dreams - you only get one life. Don't waste it trying to please someone you're no longer involved with.

[bct2017]

I'm not sure why you're over-thinking this. You're free and single. You can do whatever you please. Whether that's moving to Florida, Colombia, Thailand or a remove village in the Amazon. It's up to you. Live your dreams - you only get one life. Don't waste it trying to please someone you're no longer involved with.

 

 

I am still living with my spouse we still do things together and talk about what is going on everyday keep mulling over things. I can see she does not want me to leave she is doing what she things is better for me. I want her to do whats best for her and it just breaks my heart to leave her. I think leaving is the right thing to do I think it is unhealthy our realtionship. Last night was wierd we were being flirtatious and she made a statement "you just want to sleep with me" I said maybe I dont know. We have not slept together in over a year. She said it would not be right and I agreed. She said you cant decide your going to florida and leaving and sleep with me nd I said you are right. Then she said I have a feeling when you leave you will get someone pregnant.

 

Just wierd conversations. Really stressing me out I am not sure who is more disfunctional. i know she is really a good person deep down we both are.

 

We both have extreme ambivalence.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Go to Florida. Work on your own mental health.

 

Ha. I did exactly this when I separated with my recent ex. It was the best move...not b/c of beaches or warm, sticky, humid weather, rather....wait for it.......................................................................................................

..................................................DISNEY WORLD! Whoop whoop!

 

 

I have two young kids. BTW, left Florida b/c of the warm, sticky, humid weather.

 

Anyway, getting away from the sights and sounds that remind you of your break-up is important.

[PegNosePete]

I think leaving is the right thing to do

So stop over-thinking it, and go.

[bct2017]

So stop over-thinking it, and go.

 

That is one of the problems I have extreme diagnosed anxiety and I just think over and over all day reading books about relationships, reading about what love is. I keep going in circles about what if's

 

 

well I just got off the phone and I am trying to get an appointment with a therapist to just let them know what is going on with me.

 

The thing is with therapist most follow the rules and will not tell you if you should stay or go in a relationship unless there is abuse or chronic affairs we have neither.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello,

Me and my spouse rent an apartment in one of the 4 largest cities in the U.S. We have no children. We are separating mostly because we are in a loveless, sexless marriage and have not been able to fix. We want to therapy.

 

I have not been happy here and have wanted to move to florida for years.

 

My wife knows this and yesterday she said she wants me to be happy and she wants to stay in apartment because she is not ready to move and I could go to florida.

 

Is it a bad idea for me to move to florida while separated? Part of me feels bad like I am leaving spouse and going to live by a beach while she is in old apartment.

 

Do I need to take things more slow and stay in big city for one more year in separate apartment while we divorce then move to Florida. Or should I be selfish and just haul off and move to Florida in the next month.

 

 

Thank you

 

Go. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I moved away and was separated for nearly 2-years. I did not wait for the divorce to go through. For one reason or another, I postponed the divorce proceedings, not b/c I wanted to get back together, but other reasons, and looking back regret that move. Start the proceedings now or wait until you get to Florida. In the state of Florida, you can get a divorce within 2-3 months as long as there are no children or assets involved. No silly mandatory separations or other legal barriers. Once you become a resident and have lived in the state for 6-months (I think), you can file from Florida while your wife is elsewhere, if need be.

 

Why do you feel selfish? She wants to stay and you need to go.

[bct2017]

Go. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I moved away and was separated for nearly 2-years. I did not wait for the divorce to go through. For one reason or another, I postponed the divorce proceedings, not b/c I wanted to get back together, but other reasons, and looking back regret that move. Start the proceedings now or wait until you get to Florida. In the state of Florida, you can get a divorce within 2-3 months as long as there are no children or assets involved. No silly mandatory separations or other legal barriers. Once you become a resident and have lived in the state for 6-months (I think), you can file from Florida while your wife is elsewhere, if need be.

 

Why do you feel selfish? She wants to stay and you need to go.

 

I feel selfish for many reasons she would go and she actually may go because she also fell in love with florida. Its just I feel selfish because I am having a hard time leaving a marriage leaving a women that is 39 who wants a family and we never had kids because I have not been 100 percent sure about our relationship. I feel bad because she is a good person she never tried to hurt me and has been there for me but I am not happy.

 

I feel selfish because i am not sure it is the right decision but I am going to do it. I feel like I am picking a beach over my wife but i am not sure how to fix my marriage and I do not want it to drag out anymore. I was thinking if we both thought it was a mistake 10 months down the road she can come on down.

 

 

I do plan on going to florida the plan is being there in one month but it is hard living with spouse and talking about this everyday. Maybe I need to just leave sooner like in a week. I was planning on driving down there for a week apartment hunting sign a lease I know where I want to move the part of the city. Then I will fly back up rent a budget truck fill it up and drive back down and go to the beach.

 

When I step on the beach I will pick up the sand and say dont let me down beach I need you.

[bct2017]

I am having trouble conveying what is going on my wife is letting me go but she is crushed. She is a 39 year old women who has been a nanny for 17 years and with me for the past six years and she is ending up with nothing. Her family lives in another country and her only family member that lived in this city passed from cancer three years ago that family member was like her mom.

 

So I am leaving someone that is really suffering and it is breaking my heart. And with all of this going on she thinks she is the cause of my mental health problems and she wants me to go to florida to get better.

 

It is just taking a really big toll on me I am just a really whimpy person or something I am depressed I cry thinking about the situation and I am sad for my spouse more than me.

 

But I am looking for my best interest in moving to florida. I am not happy I know the lifestyle living by the ocean because I was in navy for six years and I missed it ever since living land locked.

 

MY thoughts go in circles sometimes I think just stay with spouse she deserves a family. But I am not strong enough I do not think my wife needs a strong man a head of the household to make decisions. I am more of the type that thinks everythiing should be 50/50 when it comes to decision, fianances housework it should be a team effort.

 

Sometimes i feel the fact that my wife is a nanny and has not tried to do more is dragging us down she is not happy but has no paln on how to transition and I helped her a lot but everything fell through.

 

My spouse is not a great communicator and does not have a lot of confidence and i do not see how she could have a better job because of her barriers .

 

 

I am think because i feel I am going insane the only decision is to move if it was a mistake we can always get back together somehow. I would be happy if she met someone else I would not be upset if she was able to find a man that was ready to have a family. i am to much of a mess to think about having a kid, and she wants a family.

[bct2017]

its hard to leave because i admire my wife she may not be the smartest person but she is a carrying person and works really hard she immigrated to this

country 18 years ago for the american dream and ended up with an american nightmare with me.

[bct2017]

if I stopped fantasizing of another life, another women, another city and focused on my wife would things be better?

 

 

Its kind of like what came first the chicken or the egg? or in my case what came first the need for a different life or being with the wrong person?

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you really need to discuss this with a counsellor. We can't really help you here, your mental health issues are significant and nobody here knows you or your wife. I hope you get an appointment soon. Best wishes.