he broke up , did I make a mistake and do we have a 2nd chance?

[flowerylife]

Hello all,

 

any advice would be very much appreciated. I try to give you a quick/ short insight.

 

We had a wonderful, magical time together for 6 months until work placed us in different countries. Still we were exited and very much looking forward what the future may hold for us and we stayed in touch texting and calling.

There was a sudden change in emotion in myself when fear and insecurities overtook my rationality and before taking on his new 4-6 months job overseas he decided to break up texting. It was like a spiral downwards over 3 days emotional texting and that was the ONLY negativity in the entire time we knew each other.

 

Soon I started to be rational and told him that I respect his wish and that I want him to take care of himself. I also gave him my e mail address as my mobile number was going to change and told him that I'd be very pleased to hear from him sometime in his Life how he would be doing . I also wished him well for his new work place. That was my VERY last text message to him. (this was sent on the 3rd of July)

 

And his reply was: Thank you so much for your words . You are so lovely. Please promise me also to take care of yourself. Please. I don't know why I am reacting so strange. I am a little sad, but it is my choice I guess. Take care.

 

 

I did not reply anymore, afraid of having him bombarded enough before with emotions he couldn't deal with, which probably lead ultimately to his reaction.

I am not pressuring myself to be in NO CONTACT, I actually want to be naturally because I feel guilty and angry that I messed things up and he got overwhelmed.

 

He also assumed (I know) I wanted to settle down and he is travelling for work which makes this impossible and it won't work in his mind.

 

 

Well, I am numb, speechless. have myself very well under control and won't text. I probably won't be until 3 months have passed, I am shocked about myself and my emotions and the stupid texting.

 

Not just me towards him but he towards me , we feel high respect and care for each other. That we know and we told each other often. we had a loving and caring, yet exiting and fun time. There was so much we were looking forward to experience together.

 

I am mature and I know he is the one for me, naturally I also know I may not be the one for him. But it's worth for me to get genuine advice and listen to you guys.

May it be possible he changes his mind?

How do I go from here?

 

 

 

Thank you so much for reading this. I appreciate your time. And men out there, your advice is valuable to me. Thank you.

Edited July 13, 2017 by flowerylife

[zanwalk]

TBH with you, I think that last message was a gentle put down, he wants to explore life a little, he values the good times you had together and wishes you well for the future.

 

There is no more you can do at this point, the ball is in his court in that you have given him a means of contact if he feels the need to reach out to you. Any more contact from your side will appear desperate I'm afraid, he knows how you feel it is up to him if he wants to pursue you any more.

 

Sorry for the negative post, and I wish you well, I am just expressing my view of the situation based on your story. Be positive and concentrate on you and your career and who knows what may happen.

 

Take care.

[flowerylife]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your thoughts. really.

 

He actually said " take good care of yourself and I go to sleep now...

 

he usually also would mirror me. I said " take care of yourself" twice as well. Could it be that be both are also confused?

Edited July 13, 2017 by flowerylife

[Superchicken]

You wont get closure until you know for sure what he wants.

Ask him one simple question, whether he has any feelings towards your relationship, and enough of it, to wait a few months to re kindle it when he comes back.

 

 

If its no, you can let go of him.

Restart over, and although, never forget him, find someone willing to hang in when the fan flings it your way..

I really think he have up a little too easy.

 

 

Ted.

[flowerylife]

Hi Ted,

 

so , you are saying he may have given up to easy? And so there may be a chance that he is at least thinking about the decision in the next 2-3 months when emotions cool off ?

 

And you are also saying that I should re connect after some time has passed?

 

Correctly?

 

I appreciate your thoughts.

 

So for you, it is not necessarily a good bye forever?

[zanwalk]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your thoughts. really.

 

He actually said " take good care of yourself and I go to sleep now...

 

he usually also would mirror me. I said " take care of yourself" twice as well. Could it be that be both are also confused?

 

Anything is possible of course since none of us has access to the thoughts in his mind! However, you did mention that maybe you had frightened him before with so many texts, so I wouldn't advise any more contact from you for a while. He knows how to reach out to you if he wishes, and believe me, if he was not wanting to lose you he would definitely keep trying and you would not be in any doubt.

 

He may decide in time that you were the girl he wanted, or you may not hear from him for a long time. Either way, don't over think the situation and try not to dwell on it too much.

 

Take care.

[flowerylife]

Zanwalk....thank you. Yes, you are right. I'll have to be patient. It's on him to reach out. . . i understand that.

thanks again.

[zanwalk]

No problem flowerylife. Meantime, try and enjoy life as much as possible and maybe read some threads on here and you may be able to offer someone else in need a little advice and support.

[Chilli]

l get the feeling he had more just sort of given up and mainly more tried to do the right thing by not expecting you to deal with an LDR.

Probably tried to tell himself oh this will all be too hard , not fair on her , we're best to get out now bla bla.

 

But , even if that is what it was , if he felt strongly enough or loved you , which he should've by now anyway if you ask me- then he should've wanted to find a way.

So l'd be thinking although he does like you a lot he's probably not feeling quite enough to make this go on and work it out.

 

l think you should hold off, see if he makes any moves.

because if he does , it needs to be because he loves you and can't give up.

Not just because you guys had a pretty good thing going.

 

Hope that makes sense.

Good luck

[flowerylife]

Thank you Chilli. Yes, I had that feeling too, because I actually know he is in love with me. He doesn't just like me. But he is panicking easily when things get serious and his previous relationship was a very straining one. I guess, that is why I have to suffer...he doesn't believe there are women out there who still make things work in a respectful manner, without jealousy and neediness. I have my own busy Life. . . and i am confident in myself.

 

Letting Love just go is a waste. . . i he should hold on...see what Life brings..

[Superchicken]

Hi Ted,

 

so , you are saying he may have given up to easy? And so there may be a chance that he is at least thinking about the decision in the next 2-3 months when emotions cool off ?

 

And you are also saying that I should re connect after some time has passed?

 

Correctly?

 

I appreciate your thoughts.

 

So for you, it is not necessarily a good bye forever?

 

In order to know exactly where you stand, you need to find out definitively which way he wants to inevitably go.

So ask him if he has enough feelings for you, to possibly restart something with you when he gets back.

If he says NO, then, you need to regroup, and find another hill to make your own.

Cause there's nothing for you on his..

Seems so far, love is a one way street for you.

 

 

Get the answers you need. Know where you stand.. That's it.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[flowerylife]

I may not ask him...I will give it time first and maybe send a text or e mail with a light topic of 3 sentences to say Hi. I guess that's the best approach....any ideas? If i ask someone questions they build up resistance. there is too much of that already after the break up...i want to lower the walls , not build them higher....

[Chilli]

There's a saying, can't remember exactly how it goes but , it just means leaving the door open and it does help.

So nah , l don;think the odd very simple short and sweet little text hurts because it's showing that the door is just a "maybe", still open, but not pressuring , just a little starting point for if he wants it.

Nothin turns you to mush like seeing a few words from your loved one again.

 

Worst can happen is he just doesn't answer but at least you know you've left the door slightly ajar and if he wants to put in the effort he can open it again properly. .

Edited July 15, 2017 by Chilli

[flowerylife]

Thanks Chilli, that's exactly right...I mean, I think thats true! Very wise

[elaine567]

I think you would be wasting your time by holding onto any hope here.

 

He has ended it and I feel that your "melt down" had very little to do with it.

I guess you realised he was slipping away and you reacted, not that your reactions caused him to pull back and end it.

 

It is very convenient that he chose to pull the plug just before he was due to take up his new job.

New job, new life, new beginnings...

There was no room for you.

 

Relationships tend to run their course.

Accept that this was fun while it lasted.

[flowerylife]

Hi Elaine,

 

his job is only a project of three months , then he will return. So, I don't believe he did that because of the new job and a new beginning. We both travel and we got to know each other knowing that.

 

Your advice is harsh, maybe reality. But i believe he may suffer more than I do.

[elaine567]

Hi Elaine,

his job is only a project of three months , then he will return. So, I don't believe he did that because of the new job and a new beginning..

 

That is even more reason to believe he is just not into you any longer.

A three month separation is nothing to a couple that is securely bonded, but he chose to end it instead...

I am sorry you are hurting, but most people break up as they see no future and/or want to date other people.

The "tragic love story" is usually only in he mind of the dumpee, the dumper tends to just move on and get on with the next part of their life.

[flowerylife]

Elaine, reading your message you sound a lot more hurt than me. I am sorry for your bad experiences.

 

Well, no, it is not quite how you see Life. Sometimes people break up because they know they have found love and they can't deal with the overwhelmed feelings. He is not wanting to date others.

 

It's funny how you give advice by being hurt. Come from a neutral place and that will be constructive. Never give advice from a hurt place.

Thank you for not replying to this:)

[Superchicken]

......

 

It's funny how you give advice by being hurt. Come from a neutral place and that will be constructive. Never give advice from a hurt place.

Thank you for not replying to this:)

 

Actually, that's normally where the best suggestions come from.

There's no one better, than those that have suffered through it, or going through it.

 

 

Of course, no two situations are absolutely the same. However, never, just brush it aside because of the fact they are going through it.

 

 

What you need to do, is see which suggestions suite your situation, and try them.

That's why there's more than one cloths size. Its not One Size Fits All.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[stillafool]

Elaine, reading your message you sound a lot more hurt than me. I am sorry for your bad experiences.

 

Well, no, it is not quite how you see Life. Sometimes people break up because they know they have found love and they can't deal with the overwhelmed feelings. He is not wanting to date others.

 

It's funny how you give advice by being hurt. Come from a neutral place and that will be constructive. Never give advice from a hurt place.

Thank you for not replying to this:)

 

Actually Elaine is right. Posters often respond the way you did to answers they don't like. Truth is if he wanted you in his life he wouldn't have broken up.

[flowerylife]

Thanks everyone. Then this is the minute I'll give up any hope .

Thanks for all your advice.

 

All the best to all of you.

[Superchicken]

Sorry, but I see no fat lady singing !.

A few fat blokes, but no women..

It aint over till you know FOR SURE.

Ask the hard question to him, if he is still is interested in you after he comes back.

 

 

Then bring out the soprano !.

 

 

Ted.

[flowerylife]

Hi Ted,

 

thank you for that . You are right! So guess what I did? I texted him today out of the blue after we haven't had any contact for 4 weeks ( silence for 4 weeks since he broke up).

 

This is what I said:

 

Hi "name"

 

I am just on a road trip with friends and this made me think of you. It put a smile on my face. I remembered our trip through the rainforest in Australia and the moment where you stopped the car, so I could get the coconut from the field. lol. That was real fun.

 

I hope you are very well.

 

"my name"

 

 

He didn't reply yet ( of course) and he may never. However, is this message a nice message or a mistake? I'd love your thoughts.

 

he seemed to have moved on. His profile pic on whatsapp shows him nicely dressed taking a pic of himself in fron of the mirror and his status says: don't worry, be happy" . to me it seems he is trying to date and get his thoughts off me. Does hurt a little.

Anyway, I thought I have nothing to regret with that message I sent. If anything I at the very least reminded him of good times.

 

What are your thoughts? Would you answer a text like this? does it appear genuine and happy and light? And if yes, when would you answer?

 

THANKS

[Superchicken]

Hi flowerylife,

 

 

Sorry for the really long wait for a response.

Been real busy with work, with new Transmission installations here in Australia, and not much internet service on top of freezing mountains..

 

 

However, going back to yourself, it was indeed a great final message to, at least, give yourself closure.

 

 

Spoke nothing about anything but the memories you two made.

 

 

So, in a sad way, I guess you do have a definitive answer with him.

So, you can now, slowly, and positively move forward with your life, and concentrate on the next person to whom you want to share a life with.

 

 

Also, I am contactable via social media, if again, I'm out of town, it may be some time to answer back.

However some mobile data services do exist.

So, if you wanted to chat a little more when you get into these moods, and as it may be taking up too much time and space here, you can check out my contact details in my profile here in LS, and send out a hello.

I have quite a few people around the world already, and it does help when sitting on top a windy peak bored to death..

So, take care, and look after yourself.

 

 

Ted.

[fiskadoro]

He had multiple options to continue with you. He could have turned down the assignment to another country. Maybe that wasn't likely after just six months of dating, but it was an option.

 

He could have at least pretended to want a long distance relationship, which he didn't.

 

He didn't even leave the door open, he let you down gently. No plans to Skype, send each other letters, meet up in a few months, none of that right?

 

I have gone abroad for work. It was exciting... different culture, exotic food and women, the lure of everything new. I have also seen many, many couples who stayed together through an overseas assignment. All of them communicated with each other constantly. If he wanted to continue with you, he would have left that door open. I myself am in a LDR with a woman I met while working overseas many years ago, and we communicate daily, and we have a definite time when we will be together again in a few months.

 

Without the constant communication and the certainty of a limited time apart, I would NEVER want to bother with a LDR. She was the one who pursued it. He isn't pursuing one with you, you two don't communicate.

 

Time to move on. That is far and away your best choice.