Red Flags....

[JamesHa]

I'm worried about my relationship.

 

First and foremost I'll own up to my own shortcomings.

 

I'm in a very sensitive place right now, I'm currently filing for bankruptcy, finances have been up and down. I'm currently completing a bankruptcy and getting my feet back on solid ground financially. Getting a job while still pushing forward in my business.

 

Definitely finances have an impact on our relationship. And my girlfriend has been absolutely amazing in supporting me. There's been times where I felt she lost faith in me... and it's gotten rocky, but for the most part we have the communication skills to handle it well.

 

Here's the start of my worries...

 

Back in May she started hanging out with a new friend from work. She says she knew him for years now. She's mentioned his name but it just doesn't feel right. I know nothing about this guy.

 

1st day they hang out together she said they were going out for a run. They end up drinking together. My girlfriend was calling me drunk telling me how much she loved me. I was kind of annoyed. She left the home at 12... 6:30 rolls along and I'm getting concerned "are you coming home or not????"

 

She has a low tolerance and she got extremely drunk... I briefly got to see this guy and shook his hand but that's it. he had to get her to the car and get her home. She barfed all over the porch. I was in shock, I was sad, I didn't know what to do. We've been dating for 6 years and she's never done anything like this before.

 

Well she left my car and we only have 1 car.

 

I was upset the next morning because she got on the phone with this guy before even talking to me. I was upset so perhaps I was a bit unapproachable so I'll be fair about it. But my heart just sank when she's talking about how great of a time they had and I'm hearing their conversation from downstairs feeling shocked and sad. This triggered a lot within me.

 

I was the bigger man about it and I didn't get mad at her.. I went for a 5 mile walk/run and picked up her car. My financial situation as I said has been up and down... I had about $15.00 left in my PayPal account and I bought her flowers. I immediately shifted thinking "maybe this is just a reflection that there's something wrong in our relationship."

 

She apologized to me and talked to me about it openly. She didn't do anything wrong, just something out of the ordinary. Plus I DONT KNOW THIS GUY. So it worries me that she got that level of drunk with a guy I know absolutely nothing about.

 

We were having a good night about 3 days later... hanging out in the park together. I was trying to talk to her and get to know this guy. Almost as if she was testing the waters she brought up the possibility of going to the movies with him.

 

Yeah a woman can go to the movies with a friend but it didn't feel right... and it bothered me, I'm sure she could tell I was bothered.

 

2 Weeks after their first get together she says she's going to the movies with this guy. I didn't get too defensive but was open and I said it felt kind of weird.

 

It was another Sunday morning... she left to see the movie at 11:00AM and she said she was going to bring back lunch.

 

Well I kept myself occupied doing my own thing which was great. 2:30PM rolled along and I got a bit concerned "hmmm where is she?"

 

I texted her... she immediately texted me back and said she was out at lunch with him. I didn't make a deal of it... Cool have fun. I didn't blow up her phone.

 

5:30PM rolls along and it gets a bit concerning... the moment I texted her she said she was heading home. She took a shot with him but wasn't drunk. Feels unsettling that every time they're out they're drinking, but whatever it's just drinking.. My concern is I don't know this guy and he sorta just popped out of nowhere.

 

She arrives home at 6PM. So each time they hung out it's been for 7 hours. Which seems like a lot. I know there's no "rule". but this dude must be really important to hang out with him for 7 hours... whether it's a good friend or perhaps more than that. If he's just a really good friend I don't know why I am never invited.

 

So for a couple weeks I didn't say much about it.

 

Until the last week of May or so.

 

She stayed late for a meeting on Tuesday Night (tues seems to be the night she has been staying late a lot)

 

Which seemed weird because she had her meeting Saturday Morning too.

 

On Saturday things started boiling over. We got mad at each other over something small. I dropped her off at her meeting early because she wanted to sit with her friends.

 

I went to the coffee shop to work on some things.

 

Instead of calling me to pick her up she was dropped off by somebody, still to this day I don't even know who dropped her off.

 

Eventually I broke that weekend and we had some very tough conversations. She didn't realized how hurt i felt. She felt bad.

 

We both got vulnerable and cleared out a lot. At the time it seemed like a lot I was worried about wasn't a big deal once we communicated.

 

She said she wouldn't hang out with him anymore...

 

I told her that's not what i wanted and that's not the type of relationship I want. I just don't know this guy, never was introduced to him, never was invited etc.

 

She said she wants us to have our own time with her friends.

 

I AGREE.

And

 

I always invite her when I go out with people. I also think it'd be good for us all to collectively hang out once in a while too... I don't have to be hovering over her all the time. But I also don't think I should be totally casted out.

 

Anyway things got really good after our conversation. We got clear with each other... we grew closer together.

 

Fast forward about 1.5 Months to July. Everything has been good.

 

This week I started getting some really bad feelings again.

 

I never paid attention but I notice she's always around her phone.

 

She takes her phone to the bathroom first thing in the morning.

 

She stayed 2 hours later on Monday

 

She seems to always have to work 4 hours later on Tuesday for various reasons. Sometimes its a meeting other times somebody called out

 

She showed up to work an hour early on Tuesday as well

 

She stayed an hour later at work yesterday just talking to co-workers.

 

I know it's just a few extra hours here and there but something doesn't sit right.

 

Another concern is the past few weekends she's gone out to the store... or out to the gas station to clean the car. And I am absolutely happy she does that... but it's just different from her normal patterns

 

I never hear mention of the guy she hung out with again

Never mentioned hanging out with him

Doesn't bring his name up.

 

From our last deep conversation I wanted to know this guy more... it seems like he's deeper into the shadows, if he's still around. And on some level he is still around because he's her co-worker.

 

I could see her just not mentioning a co-worker... but somebody she hung out with 7 hours at a time? I feel like those type of friendships don't just "fade"

 

I have never violated her privacy.

 

but we know each other's passwords and such.

 

This morning she left her phone on the bed. While honoring her privacy I wasn't going through her ****. I just wanted to see if her passcode was still the same. It was changed.

 

all of this separate wouldn't bother me

 

All of this together feels like major red flags.

 

I am willing to move on... I do not want this to drag along though.

 

If she has other interests I would rather her just tell me so I could go my own way instead of having this pull and tug at me.

 

For me personally I do have things to be insecure about. I'm at the lowest points of my life financially.. I'm not fat but I gained some pounds from binge eating.

 

I'm taking care of that... I am eating clean, I'm doing extra in my business, I'm actively applying for jobs, I'm getting my bankruptcy handled (while keeping the home). I'm handling my business.

 

I guess I would understand how something like this could happen with her being frustrated with the inconsistency and not openly expressing it.

 

I still invest in our relationship every day

I seek to do more and more for her

She drives my car to work

I own the home we live in

I take time to be present with her and appreciate her every day

 

I am really confident that she doesn't physically cheat on me. I would be surprised if that were the case.

 

I am worried that there could be emotional cheating... or on the verge of emotional cheating.

 

I have a lot of awareness around relationships

I never accused her of cheating

I never threatened this other guy

I've been looking within to see how to better our relationship and took action on it.

 

I know thats most important, but it feels like there's still something that needs to be addressed

 

Thanks for reading my long winded post

[smackie9]

Good GOD all mighty!!! Could be??? She's having an emotional affair!!! Open your damn eyes!! That IS CHEATING.

 

I don't give a rat's ass you two have talked it out.....I can see she can't let go of how this guy makes her feel. Since no sex is involved (possibly) she feels she isn't stepping over the line/having an affair. But she is.

 

Yes there needs something to be addressed.....you need to kick her to the curb....she is emotionally invested somewhere else, not your relationship.

[niji]

Oh boy.

 

I have a best friend who's male; he's not my only best friends, but one of the best, closest, whatever. We both love movies; that's our shared hobby, that's how we actually met and grew close. That's what we bond over.

 

That being said, there will NEVER be a situation where I go out to the movie theater with my guy friend, while my SO stays home. That's just too disrespectful in my book.

 

And I agree, it doesn't seem like one of those relationships that will fade. I would sit down with her, ask her if she wants to be with you, because you don't feel like she does anymore. Calmly tell her that if she wants an out, she can leave. You two are not married, no children, there's no reason to stay other than love. If that's gone, there's no point for her to stay.

 

I think what she did with the other dude was beyond disrespectful; you need to put your foot down so she doesn't disrespect you further. I'm a woman and would never want to be controlled by an SO, but boundaries are boundaries. Going to the movie, private lunch, hanging out session with a dude while your SO is RIGHT THERE at home is just too much.

[Zahara]

I am really confident that she doesn't physically cheat on me. I would be surprised if that were the case.

 

I am worried that there could be emotional cheating... or on the verge of emotional cheating.

 

What's the difference? Cheating is cheating. Personally, the latter would be worse, which is what she is currently doing.

 

When a cheater gets wind that you are onto them, they go underground. Hence, no mention of this guy anymore and she's changed her password.

 

It's slapping you in the face but you almost want to be ambivalent. You seem to lack any sort of boundaries, catering to her needs in order to stop from rocking the boat. Talk until you both turn blue, but it's just words. Her actions are very indicative of something more than just innocent hang outs.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Zahara

[JamesHa]

thank you so much for these responses...

 

and a bit of some Loving Ass Kicking that I need.

 

I really came here thinking I may receive responses like "grow a pair and stop being so needy and insecure and delusional!!!"

 

And perhaps in a way I do get to grow a pair and establish solid boundaries.

 

These boundaries are probably also the source of my financial results too.

 

I don't feel like I'm being respected as a man.

I don't feel like I've been showing up strong in my masculine energy

 

 

Just now... it wasn't even planned. she was in the bathroom and I asked for her phone to call somebody (very important call too)

 

she handed me the phone and I couldn't get in of course, and she put in the code for me. I just made a casual comment "6 digits that's weird?" She said she had to change her code.

 

Which I thought may have been the case too but she has an iPhone 5 and I looked online and found nothing about having to change the code to six digits even when updating the iOs .

 

I purposely walked downstairs to see how she'd react. She didn't seem to panic but she did come downstairs with me.

 

I was a bit upset about other news I received today, but I still was holding my composure. I was just a bit frustrated that's all. I told her I needed 30 minutes upstairs and she insisted to go out and get me a bottle of wine.

 

Very loving and affectionate towards me.

 

She bought me flowers for the first time ever on Sunday too after a small argument over something little. I appreciate these things but I do understand that this could be even more of a reason to be concerned.

 

I'm not sure if I should lay everything down now or collect receipts of reasons I'm concerned and present it to her.

 

I know I don't have concrete physical evidence and she could react like I'm out of my mind and I have trust issues.

 

With this relationship definitely no track record of trust issues for a good 6 years so....... yeah. It'd be weird for me to all of a sudden transform into an insecure boyfriend

Edited July 13, 2017 by JamesHa

[JamesHa]

Also I probably should note that last night we did have a tough conversation. I didn't blatantly call her out and say anything about cheating or another dude.

 

It was because she came home an hour late and didn't say anything. Which obviously isn't something to always be alarmed about but it was just stacked on top of everything else. Plus I know the guy works the shift after her... and 2nd shift gets there an hour before she leaves... like... why would she hang around work an hour extra... even when 2nd shift comes in an hour early anyway?

 

I did say that I notice that I am not "the man anymore"

Which she was like "wait.. what?? what are you implying?"

She probably expected me to accuse her or something.

 

But I just responded along the lines of how I'm feeling there's something wrong. Something inarguable. So she couldn't get defensive and at the end I'm not the jealous boyfriend that created this.

 

I said "maybe its best that I withdrawal and we separate for a while because it's starting to feel like I'm being needy". I said I wasn't looking to date anybody else but maybe it'd be healthy for me to back off for a bit.

 

She held me tightly and cried saying she didn't want to.

 

I don't know if that's when she changed her passcode or whatever. I have no clue. I haven't been keeping track.

 

We spend a lot of time on the weekends. We still go out together on week nights.

 

Not trying to act blind to everything but also don't want to jump to conclusions and pull a jackass move.

[lolablue17]

I am really confident that she doesn't physically cheat on me. I would be surprised if that were the case.

 

I am worried that there could be emotional cheating... or on the verge of emotional cheating.

 

Well, I wouldn't be so sure that she's not phisically cheating.

 

Think logically - What is the chance that you know everything? You can figure out for your self that it's zero chance, my dear. You do know she's secretive with her phone and changed password, you do know she acts differently, she stays late and go early to work. You do know she likes him, and she immediatelly cut you from the loop when you only wanted to get to know the guy.

 

All of this says - an emotional affair for sure, in case you know everything. Assuming you don't know everything, the possibility of physical affair seems the obvious.

 

You seem like you're good with communication, knowing how to express yourself well. Seat with her today, tell her what you've told us here. You can even show her this current post, and then have a talk with her.

 

If she denies, ask for an immediate access to her phone. If she refuses, break up with her immediatelly because refusing is a solid proof of cheating. Why? because no sane woman will let you breaking up with her over cheating, if she can easily prove the opposite.

Edited July 13, 2017 by lolablue17

[KBob]

I agree with showing her this post. You've poured your heart out to us here. That post and the fact you confided in strangers in order to try and work it out will make a very perspective impression on her.

[JamesHa]

Thank You!

 

i'll show her this thread.

 

I gotta take a moment to breathe. I'll show it to her on or before this weekend.

 

Here we go. I'll let you know how it goes.

[kgcolonel]

One note just to be objective here. I personally just updated my iPhone and the new OS did require a 6 digit passcode....just so you know....it is OS 10.3.2

[JamesHa]

One note just to be objective here. I personally just updated my iPhone and the new OS did require a 6 digit passcode....just so you know....it is OS 10.3.2

 

thank you for the clarification. I definitely don't want to accuse her for something like that

[doyathinkso]

NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

 

Do Not show her this thread. She will know your every move from now on!

 

AND YOU my friend is the one who has no idea of her moves.

 

Set, point, match.

[doyathinkso]

What it is ..... she is cheating on you and playing you for a fool. It is so bleeding obvious. A blind man could see it.

 

 

Don't separate. Just dump her like yesterday's trash.

 

Move on and find a real woman who won't treat you like this.

[JamesHa]

NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

 

Do Not show her this thread. She will know your every move from now on!

 

AND YOU my friend is the one who has no idea of her moves.

 

Set, point, match.

 

good point.

 

Honestly I just want to live in full integrity and if there's something going on the quicker the better, but if showing her the thread will cause her to hide more and more then it'll have the opposite effect of what i want.

 

Straight up dumping her feels tough... we have a good history together and it feels kind of premature to just throw it all away premature without proof. I just want us to be honest with each other.

[LivingWaterPlease]

good point.

 

Honestly I just want to live in full integrity and if there's something going on the quicker the better, but if showing her the thread will cause her to hide more and more then it'll have the opposite effect of what i want.

 

Straight up dumping her feels tough... we have a good history together and it feels kind of premature to just throw it all away premature without proof. I just want us to be honest with each other.

 

Whether or not she's having an EA or a PA fact is she's spent long periods of time drinking with and going out with another guy without inviting you. Seems you're trying to be accommodating but I'd never allow a bf to go out with or spend hours drinking with another girl. She has very poor boundaries at the very least.

[Space Ritual]

I'll make it short and sweet OP.

 

You've been together 6 years

 

She all of a sudden hangs out with this guy you've met once. Drunk off her ass too.

 

Pattern emerges...out for longer periods of time for seemingly innocuous events.

 

Passcode on the phone takes it to the crapper.

 

I'll tell you exactly what you have here James.

 

I would have to say that the affair is physical. I will also go out on not too far of a limb and say I figure the guy is married or in a long term relationship. The pattern of her absences and the timing suggest he may only be able to get away form his wife on certain days and/or hours.

 

And yes they are banging. No way they aren't. This whole story of yours is too detailed and literally scripted from The Cheaters Handbook.

 

Your path is really quite simple and it is a direct path

 

You have only 2 options....and you must be prepared to follow through with Option number 2

 

These options are Stay or Go.

 

If you want to stay in a relationship with this woman you have to be prepared to walk away from it. And that means having one last heart to heart with her and explain that she is free to do whatever she pleases with this friend of hers, just not as your significant other.

 

So tell her this and her reaction is all you will need to kn ow. If she says ok and drops the friend, then you will have to go through some form of couples counselling to explore what boundary issues are present in you relationship.

 

However if she does protest, then you must be willing to follow through and end your relationship without so much as a tear shed. Sure it would be hard, but there is no use in staying with someone who chooses a third party over a 6 year relationship.

 

If indeed that is the case, then arrange to move out and forward as soon as possible.

 

And for God's sake do not show her this thread. Nothing like telegraphing your next move to someone who's loyalty is in question.

[JamesHa]

YUP... I just found out she changed her pw for facebook and email too. its weird she shows love and affection towards me (especially tonight) but this **** aint right.

 

thing is she doesn't even seem like the type of person who would do something like this. There's still a part of me that says "noooo she can't be"

 

but I can't numb myself out or ignore this. And I feel like just by words alone won't do the job. She's still holding onto me for some reason.

 

I suppose I am offering a lot to her

and he's offering something different to her.

 

I wanna puke right now.

[JamesHa]

I'll make it short and sweet OP.

 

You've been together 6 years

 

She all of a sudden hangs out with this guy you've met once. Drunk off her ass too.

 

Pattern emerges...out for longer periods of time for seemingly innocuous events.

 

Passcode on the phone takes it to the crapper.

 

I'll tell you exactly what you have here James.

 

I would have to say that the affair is physical. I will also go out on not too far of a limb and say I figure the guy is married or in a long term relationship. The pattern of her absences and the timing suggest he may only be able to get away form his wife on certain days and/or hours.

 

And yes they are banging. No way they aren't. This whole story of yours is too detailed and literally scripted from The Cheaters Handbook.

 

Your path is really quite simple and it is a direct path

 

You have only 2 options....and you must be prepared to follow through with Option number 2

 

These options are Stay or Go.

 

If you want to stay in a relationship with this woman you have to be prepared to walk away from it. And that means having one last heart to heart with her and explain that she is free to do whatever she pleases with this friend of hers, just not as your significant other.

 

So tell her this and her reaction is all you will need to kn ow. If she says ok and drops the friend, then you will have to go through some form of couples counselling to explore what boundary issues are present in you relationship.

 

However if she does protest, then you must be willing to follow through and end your relationship without so much as a tear shed. Sure it would be hard, but there is no use in staying with someone who chooses a third party over a 6 year relationship.

 

If indeed that is the case, then arrange to move out and forward as soon as possible.

 

And for God's sake do not show her this thread. Nothing like telegraphing your next move to someone who's loyalty is in question.

 

Thanks I appreciate this. Feels so spot on.

[Darren Steez]

You say you don't feel respected as a man then when it comes to making the tough choices you don't shut stuff down and simply have "tough talks"

 

Meanwhile she's changing passwords and going on dates with potential boyfriends.. because that is exactly what this is, if it's just a friend then she has no trouble bringing dude to the house or inviting you out so you can all hang out.

 

But you already know what this is, she can disrespect with one hand while buying you wine and patting you on the head with the other.

 

You might as well buy her clothes so she can look good for her dates.

[lolablue17]

Thank You!

 

i'll show her this thread.

 

I gotta take a moment to breathe. I'll show it to her on or before this weekend.

 

Here we go. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

I wish you luck. Just remember. You're not doing it because you're a jealous guy. You're doing it because you have you standards, and you must stick to them. stay always nice and civil, but be pertinacious.

[JamesHa]

You say you don't feel respected as a man then when it comes to making the tough choices you don't shut stuff down and simply have "tough talks"

 

Meanwhile she's changing passwords and going on dates with potential boyfriends.. because that is exactly what this is, if it's just a friend then she has no trouble bringing dude to the house or inviting you out so you can all hang out.

 

But you already know what this is, she can disrespect with one hand while buying you wine and patting you on the head with the other.

 

You might as well buy her clothes so she can look good for her dates.

 

thanks man I appreciate you for being real about it.

[JamesHa]

Quick Question. I want to make this **** count & I know there's a few mixed replies here.

 

Do I go balls to the wall ASAFP with all of the concerns I have. Be blatant about it. Call out his government name. (also did a brief data search on him and back in May she said he lived in the city... the most recent searches I see says that he lives in the same town she works in...)

 

SO

 

1 Hour early to work and frequent staying at work 4 hrs late is a bigger red flag.

 

her being dropped off to the coffee shop after her meeting is a bigger red flag

(especially considering she insisted she'd go by herself that day)

 

Or

 

Do I gather more on high alert (check out her patterns this weekend and maybe next week) . Was considering tracking the speedometer but if he lives right near her work that's a lost cause, that can be easily covered up as going out for lunch.

 

Along with this post I also have a word document of everything I've tracked and at least remember in my mind since last May. That alone could overwhelm her.

 

When I do go in , I want her to give me access to her accounts on the spot (no walking out the room BS) .

[JamesHa]

More firepower I can stack on top of the real evidence is say that I know stuff that I don't wish to share because I don't want to give out anybody's identity who told me about this.

 

There's no way people would be oblivious to what's going on.

[road]

YUP... I just found out she changed her pw for facebook and email too. its weird she shows love and affection towards me (especially tonight) but this **** aint right.

 

thing is she doesn't even seem like the type of person who would do something like this. There's still a part of me that says "noooo she can't be"

 

but I can't numb myself out or ignore this. And I feel like just by words alone won't do the job. She's still holding onto me for some reason.

 

I suppose I am offering a lot to her

and he's offering something different to her.

 

I wanna puke right now.

 

Because he is married/GF and won't leave her.

 

She wants an alpha to bang her and a beta, that's you, to

provide for her.

[road]

More firepower I can stack on top of the real evidence is say that I know stuff that I don't wish to share because I don't want to give out anybody's identity who told me about this.

 

There's no way people would be oblivious to what's going on.

 

I would try to get more evidence so she can't deny it. Though at this

point do you care enough to prove what you know?

 

Hide a VAR in her car and in the house for when you are not there.

 

Then real time GPS her car.

 

Last being she has locked her phone I would put a real time GPS in her

purse. Wait and gather the proof you need.