Red Flags....

[ExpatInItaly]

She is really into this guy, no question. This is already an affair; it's at the very least an emotional affair and it has likely gone physical already.

 

I'm sorry OP, I know this is hard. I've been in your shoes. I had an ex of several years betray me with a coworker too, and your story is very familiar. The longer nights at work, the hanging out with the new "friend", the hot and then cold behaviour towards you, the extra time spent on the phone - you know what's happening here. In my case, I already knew our relationship was over. I was just very angry and disappointed that he turned out to be the kind of man I never thought he could be: a cheater.

[Space Ritual]

That sounds very good.

My biggest fear is coming off insecure and looking like a jackass.

 

This is cut and dry.. I can call it out for what I see in a confident way.

 

James,

 

You are on the precipice of a LIFE CHANGING EVENT.

 

There are scores of us here that never got the chance to end things on our terms. So I say this actually with a pang of envy. You stand to be able to move forward after a reasonably short duration of nefarious behavior on her part, in your own way.

 

Many of us went through Limbo and eventual HELL by not confronting and bringing our cases to a swift conclusion.

 

The only way you come off looking like a jackass is if you start looking this gift horse in the mouth. And by that I mean the circumstantial evidence is enough that you can simply back up your wish to bring this to a conclusion this very night, you will look insecure ONLY if you back down.

 

But we are not who you need to stay strong for. You need to stay strong tonight for yourself. Because she WILL try to shift blame onto you, and make this dalliance ALL YOUR FAULT.

 

Resist the temptation to be sweet to her when she follows that up with shaking her tail feathers in your face when the blameshifting fails.

 

COURAGE!

TAKE ACTION... NOW. Or you WILL regret it.

[MountainGirl111]

I say go with your gut on this. She's cheated, whether it's physical or not. It's made you feel yucky. Period. Do you want to feel like that? I don't think so.

[JamesHa]

Thank you everybody!!! whew.

 

These last comments are encouraging.

 

I approached her (she kind walked into it)

 

told her I knew more than she thinks, that this is the first time in 6-7 yrs I haven't trusted her, asked her if she has something to share.

 

her reaction was panic, fear, crying.

 

Her reasoning for not wanting me to see the phone in the first place is that she thought I trusted her. Told her that this one time...the things I knew overrides trust and if she leaves the room I'm breaking up with her.

 

the whole time she was hysterical.

 

Saw her phone.. call logs, texts. No trace of this dude except for May 30th Tuesday (the day she had a meeting) she spoke with him for an hour.

 

At first I was like "damn did I just do all of this to find nothing, am I fool?"

 

When I checked her Fb she freaked out even more but her FB was clear.

 

I brought up my concerns:

 

So there's a record with this guy talking to you for an hour but there's no texts , no communication 3 days prior to meet each other at the movies?

 

Also he just fell off the face of the Earth after that?

 

So there's that. There's something going on.

 

She's downstairs on the couch right now. I told her we're done if I can't trust her.

 

I'm a good man.. I won't send her out packing at night. maybe the other dude will be kind enough to give her a ride.

[JamesHa]

last thing said to her : "I promise you moving on your life will be better... now you don't have to hide and that's a hell of a alot better than sneaking around"

 

She doesn't have much to say right now. Shes not defending.. arguing.. just crying on the couch.

[MountainGirl111]

Well of course she feels bad now. So, you can expect the tears and everything. But that doesn't change the fact that she's cheated and she can't go back and not cheat. It's done. She knows it and she feels bad for hurting you likely. That's to be expected. But, you're right. If you can't trust her you won't be happy with her. And who wants that? I'm not saying relationships never recover from cheating. I think it's possible. If you're both willing for it. Sounds like you're done though?

[Try]

last thing said to her : "I promise you moving on your life will be better... now you don't have to hide and that's a hell of a alot better than sneaking around"

 

She doesn't have much to say right now. Shes not defending.. arguing.. just crying on the couch.

You need to go down stairs right now and tell her something like "I am not promising you anything or telling you what I already know, but if you want any chance of working this out with me, you need to tell me everything right now. Telling the full truth now is the first step in trying to earn back my trust. If you leave anything out that I already know, we are done for sure." This must be done now while she is still off balance.

[Try]

She knows it and she feels bad for hurting you likely.

Rather than "she feels bad for hurting" the OP, I would say that it is more likely that she feels bad that she was caught, and that the wonderful world of cake eating is coming to an end.

[usa1ah]

I'm worried about my relationship.

 

First and foremost I'll own up to my own shortcomings.

 

I'm in a very sensitive place right now, I'm currently filing for bankruptcy, finances have been up and down. I'm currently completing a bankruptcy and getting my feet back on solid ground financially. Getting a job while still pushing forward in my business.

 

Definitely finances have an impact on our relationship. And my girlfriend has been absolutely amazing in supporting me. There's been times where I felt she lost faith in me... and it's gotten rocky, but for the most part we have the communication skills to handle it well.

 

Here's the start of my worries...

 

Back in May she started hanging out with a new friend from work. She says she knew him for years now. She's mentioned his name but it just doesn't feel right. I know nothing about this guy.

 

1st day they hang out together she said they were going out for a run. They end up drinking together. My girlfriend was calling me drunk telling me how much she loved me. I was kind of annoyed. She left the home at 12... 6:30 rolls along and I'm getting concerned "are you coming home or not????"

 

She has a low tolerance and she got extremely drunk... I briefly got to see this guy and shook his hand but that's it. he had to get her to the car and get her home. She barfed all over the porch. I was in shock, I was sad, I didn't know what to do. We've been dating for 6 years and she's never done anything like this before.

 

Well she left my car and we only have 1 car.

 

I was upset the next morning because she got on the phone with this guy before even talking to me. I was upset so perhaps I was a bit unapproachable so I'll be fair about it. But my heart just sank when she's talking about how great of a time they had and I'm hearing their conversation from downstairs feeling shocked and sad. This triggered a lot within me.

 

I was the bigger man about it and I didn't get mad at her.. I went for a 5 mile walk/run and picked up her car. My financial situation as I said has been up and down... I had about $15.00 left in my PayPal account and I bought her flowers. I immediately shifted thinking "maybe this is just a reflection that there's something wrong in our relationship."

 

She apologized to me and talked to me about it openly. She didn't do anything wrong, just something out of the ordinary. Plus I DONT KNOW THIS GUY. So it worries me that she got that level of drunk with a guy I know absolutely nothing about.

 

We were having a good night about 3 days later... hanging out in the park together. I was trying to talk to her and get to know this guy. Almost as if she was testing the waters she brought up the possibility of going to the movies with him.

 

Yeah a woman can go to the movies with a friend but it didn't feel right... and it bothered me, I'm sure she could tell I was bothered.

 

2 Weeks after their first get together she says she's going to the movies with this guy. I didn't get too defensive but was open and I said it felt kind of weird.

 

It was another Sunday morning... she left to see the movie at 11:00AM and she said she was going to bring back lunch.

 

Well I kept myself occupied doing my own thing which was great. 2:30PM rolled along and I got a bit concerned "hmmm where is she?"

 

I texted her... she immediately texted me back and said she was out at lunch with him. I didn't make a deal of it... Cool have fun. I didn't blow up her phone.

 

5:30PM rolls along and it gets a bit concerning... the moment I texted her she said she was heading home. She took a shot with him but wasn't drunk. Feels unsettling that every time they're out they're drinking, but whatever it's just drinking.. My concern is I don't know this guy and he sorta just popped out of nowhere.

 

She arrives home at 6PM. So each time they hung out it's been for 7 hours. Which seems like a lot. I know there's no "rule". but this dude must be really important to hang out with him for 7 hours... whether it's a good friend or perhaps more than that. If he's just a really good friend I don't know why I am never invited.

 

So for a couple weeks I didn't say much about it.

 

Until the last week of May or so.

 

She stayed late for a meeting on Tuesday Night (tues seems to be the night she has been staying late a lot)

 

Which seemed weird because she had her meeting Saturday Morning too.

 

On Saturday things started boiling over. We got mad at each other over something small. I dropped her off at her meeting early because she wanted to sit with her friends.

 

I went to the coffee shop to work on some things.

 

Instead of calling me to pick her up she was dropped off by somebody, still to this day I don't even know who dropped her off.

 

Eventually I broke that weekend and we had some very tough conversations. She didn't realized how hurt i felt. She felt bad.

 

We both got vulnerable and cleared out a lot. At the time it seemed like a lot I was worried about wasn't a big deal once we communicated.

 

She said she wouldn't hang out with him anymore...

 

I told her that's not what i wanted and that's not the type of relationship I want. I just don't know this guy, never was introduced to him, never was invited etc.

 

She said she wants us to have our own time with her friends.

 

I AGREE.

And

 

I always invite her when I go out with people. I also think it'd be good for us all to collectively hang out once in a while too... I don't have to be hovering over her all the time. But I also don't think I should be totally casted out.

 

Anyway things got really good after our conversation. We got clear with each other... we grew closer together.

 

Fast forward about 1.5 Months to July. Everything has been good.

 

This week I started getting some really bad feelings again.

 

I never paid attention but I notice she's always around her phone.

 

She takes her phone to the bathroom first thing in the morning.

 

She stayed 2 hours later on Monday

 

She seems to always have to work 4 hours later on Tuesday for various reasons. Sometimes its a meeting other times somebody called out

 

She showed up to work an hour early on Tuesday as well

 

She stayed an hour later at work yesterday just talking to co-workers.

 

I know it's just a few extra hours here and there but something doesn't sit right.

 

Another concern is the past few weekends she's gone out to the store... or out to the gas station to clean the car. And I am absolutely happy she does that... but it's just different from her normal patterns

 

I never hear mention of the guy she hung out with again

Never mentioned hanging out with him

Doesn't bring his name up.

 

From our last deep conversation I wanted to know this guy more... it seems like he's deeper into the shadows, if he's still around. And on some level he is still around because he's her co-worker.

 

I could see her just not mentioning a co-worker... but somebody she hung out with 7 hours at a time? I feel like those type of friendships don't just "fade"

 

I have never violated her privacy.

 

but we know each other's passwords and such.

 

This morning she left her phone on the bed. While honoring her privacy I wasn't going through her ****. I just wanted to see if her passcode was still the same. It was changed.

 

all of this separate wouldn't bother me

 

All of this together feels like major red flags.

 

I am willing to move on... I do not want this to drag along though.

 

If she has other interests I would rather her just tell me so I could go my own way instead of having this pull and tug at me.

 

For me personally I do have things to be insecure about. I'm at the lowest points of my life financially.. I'm not fat but I gained some pounds from binge eating.

 

I'm taking care of that... I am eating clean, I'm doing extra in my business, I'm actively applying for jobs, I'm getting my bankruptcy handled (while keeping the home). I'm handling my business.

 

I guess I would understand how something like this could happen with her being frustrated with the inconsistency and not openly expressing it.

 

I still invest in our relationship every day

I seek to do more and more for her

She drives my car to work

I own the home we live in

I take time to be present with her and appreciate her every day

 

I am really confident that she doesn't physically cheat on me. I would be surprised if that were the case.

 

I am worried that there could be emotional cheating... or on the verge of emotional cheating.

 

I have a lot of awareness around relationships

I never accused her of cheating

I never threatened this other guy

I've been looking within to see how to better our relationship and took action on it.

 

I know thats most important, but it feels like there's still something that needs to be addressed

 

Thanks for reading my long winded post

 

So she is dating the two of you. If you are ok with that type of thing.

[MountainGirl111]

You need to go down stairs right now and tell her something like "I am not promising you anything or telling you what I already know, but if you want any chance of working this out with me, you need to tell me everything right now. Telling the full truth now is the first step in trying to earn back my trust. If you leave anything out that I already know, we are done for sure." This must be done now while she is still off balance.

 

I would agree with this. OP, you need to know the truth. You'll be better able to tell if she is holding back or lying by being face to face, in person, and before she has time to "collect" herself. Listen to your gut. You'll know if she is being truthful or not. Be prepared to not like the truth. But getting to the truth is the only way to move on one direction or the other.

[usa1ah]

Again I should have read the whole thread.

 

Sorry it happened but you are handling it pretty good.

 

Might be time to talk with her and get the details.

[JamesHa]

You need to go down stairs right now and tell her something like "I am not promising you anything or telling you what I already know, but if you want any chance of working this out with me, you need to tell me everything right now. Telling the full truth now is the first step in trying to earn back my trust. If you leave anything out that I already know, we are done for sure." This must be done now while she is still off balance.

 

did this when I first read your post.

 

Her only response is "but I didnt do anything!!!"

 

I told her we're done then... shes in the other room crying.

 

I'd feel bad if she didn't do anything,

but if she didn't do anything wouldn't she be in this room telling me everything to show shes innocent?

 

For instance if she went off because she thought I was having an affair with a woman...

 

I'd be describing to her our friendship to the T and why its not an affair. I'd give her logs of texts. (if it got to this point.)

 

There were no texts in her phone from him. I know damn well she texted him. I know damn well there was more than 1 phone call in the past 3 months.

 

I guess now shes forming up a strategy on how to present herself...

but its too late.

[JamesHa]

Well of course she feels bad now. So, you can expect the tears and everything. But that doesn't change the fact that she's cheated and she can't go back and not cheat. It's done. She knows it and she feels bad for hurting you likely. That's to be expected. But, you're right. If you can't trust her you won't be happy with her. And who wants that? I'm not saying relationships never recover from cheating. I think it's possible. If you're both willing for it. Sounds like you're done though?

 

Tonight I'm going to bed with the thought that it's done forever.

 

I think it's possible too... but its gonna take a hell of a lot of ground work, there would need to be counseling, I don't even know if I could ever trust her being at the same work place.

 

So I wont stress it

 

Basically in the small chance she came back she would have had done a **** ton of heavy lifting, soul searching and willing to stick through a big probation period. Shes definitely not wanting that now.

[Poutrew]

That's the thing about deleting texts and emails.... although there is no smoking gun for you to point at, she also has no way to prove it isn't as bad as you think it is... of course, if the texts were so innocent, why would she have deleted them to begin with? Yeah, innocent, right. Send her packing tomorrow - but make sure she leaves your car! Oh, and just to be safe, have the alarm code and the locks on all your doors changed...

[Marc878]

You want the text data just pull up her phone bill online. No details but the usages, times, etc will be there.

 

Takes about 15 minutes. Like most it'll probably shock you. Unless she's using some form of cheater I messages

[Marc878]

For your future you don't let your SO go out on dates. Which is what was happening.

 

You put your foot down immediately.

 

It's not controlling it's good boundaries. If they can't understand that then you're better off without them anyway.

[Superchicken]

Another thing you can mention to her, is that you can download an App that undeletes the Texts messages (Which there is), and you will read them.

So either fess up, or you will install and run the App. She what see says about that.

But I agree with Marc878, the number of text's will show something.

 

 

Her actions are one who has been caught. Just like a rabbit in a spotlight.

They freeze, and don't know which way to go.

 

 

This is the time to stay on it, and not give her and him anytime together to get a story built.

Oh, and check her phone again, and see if she has re contacted him again.

Then re check to see if she texted him (On line like Marc said) after you busted her.

 

 

 

 

Stay head strong, and don't back down.

We are ALL telling you to not accept this behaviour, and she is doing something.

Tell yourself this is you feel differently.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Arieswoman]

JamesHa,

You said. post #17

 

thing is she doesn't even seem like the type of person who would do something like this. There's still a part of me that says "noooo she can't be"

 

So said every single person I know of, that had a cheating partner.

 

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation, but you can deal with this.

[lolablue17]

OP, I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I think you handled this very well, and this is the thing - As long as you keep listening to your guts and following your instincts, you cannot fail.

 

I don't know what is she hiding, and why is she in panic and and crying, but a lot of it is when she's looking at you and seeing a strong man, who is determined. When liars notice that, they feel very uncomfortable.

Edited July 15, 2017 by lolablue17

[ExpatInItaly]

You're doing the right thing, OP. It is very obvious they are not just friends.

 

I don't know how deeply you looked into her phone, but keep in mind cheaters often give their affair partners an innocuous-sounding name in their phones to avoid raising suspicion. So, she could have easily changed "Mr. Hot Tamale from Work" to "Amanda" and you would be none the wiser unless you read all of her conversations. Depending on circumstance, that could also be why you found nothing. Or more likely, she just deletes messages every time she sends and receives one from him.

 

In any case, she is guilty and she knows it.

[OatsAndHall]

Thank you everybody!!! whew.

 

These last comments are encouraging.

 

I approached her (she kind walked into it)

 

told her I knew more than she thinks, that this is the first time in 6-7 yrs I haven't trusted her, asked her if she has something to share.

 

her reaction was panic, fear, crying.

 

Her reasoning for not wanting me to see the phone in the first place is that she thought I trusted her. Told her that this one time...the things I knew overrides trust and if she leaves the room I'm breaking up with her.

 

the whole time she was hysterical.

 

Saw her phone.. call logs, texts. No trace of this dude except for May 30th Tuesday (the day she had a meeting) she spoke with him for an hour.

 

At first I was like "damn did I just do all of this to find nothing, am I fool?"

 

When I checked her Fb she freaked out even more but her FB was clear.

 

I brought up my concerns:

 

So there's a record with this guy talking to you for an hour but there's no texts , no communication 3 days prior to meet each other at the movies?

 

Also he just fell off the face of the Earth after that?

 

So there's that. There's something going on.

 

She's downstairs on the couch right now. I told her we're done if I can't trust her.

 

I'm a good man.. I won't send her out packing at night. maybe the other dude will be kind enough to give her a ride.

 

I know it's difficult not to go looking for "the truth" or "proof" but I suggest you avoid getting sucked into these games with the phone and social media. Her actions (getting smashed with the guy, "staying late at work", etc..etc..) just wouldn't be acceptable for me. And these are the things that have cost her your trust. And, that is something that I would explain to her.

 

This is all your call and you're getting advice from strangers on the internet so take each response as you will. But, I would tell her that you want her to leave the house. I know you don't want to feel like an a--hole but her actions have precipitated all of this. I suggest asking her to get a taxi or call a friend for a ride but that you want space from her.

 

And, again, this isn't necessarily about breaking it off with her. This is about getting the hell away from her so that you can clear your head and figure out how you want to proceed next. It is going to be difficult to think rationally in the environment you are in, simply because she is there. Right now, it is all an entangled mess that isn't getting anywhere, simply because you are breathing the same air.

 

I was basically in your shoes when I split from my ex-wife (all infidelity stories seem to follow the same pattern..) and I NEEDED to get distance from her in order to start thinking rationally about the situation. I was so overwhelmed with anger and anxiety that I just couldn't keep myself together. I still had some misguided trust in her and it took me a few weeks to think things through and understand that I was a fool for continually trying to keep my trust in her,.

[coolheadal]

I'm worried about my relationship.

 

First and foremost I'll own up to my own shortcomings.

 

I'm in a very sensitive place right now, I'm currently filing for bankruptcy, finances have been up and down. I'm currently completing a bankruptcy and getting my feet back on solid ground financially. Getting a job while still pushing forward in my business.

 

Definitely finances have an impact on our relationship. And my girlfriend has been absolutely amazing in supporting me. There's been times where I felt she lost faith in me... and it's gotten rocky, but for the most part we have the communication skills to handle it well.

 

Here's the start of my worries...

 

Back in May she started hanging out with a new friend from work. She says she knew him for years now. She's mentioned his name but it just doesn't feel right. I know nothing about this guy.

 

1st day they hang out together she said they were going out for a run. They end up drinking together. My girlfriend was calling me drunk telling me how much she loved me. I was kind of annoyed. She left the home at 12... 6:30 rolls along and I'm getting concerned "are you coming home or not????"

 

She has a low tolerance and she got extremely drunk... I briefly got to see this guy and shook his hand but that's it. he had to get her to the car and get her home. She barfed all over the porch. I was in shock, I was sad, I didn't know what to do. We've been dating for 6 years and she's never done anything like this before.

 

Well she left my car and we only have 1 car.

 

I was upset the next morning because she got on the phone with this guy before even talking to me. I was upset so perhaps I was a bit unapproachable so I'll be fair about it. But my heart just sank when she's talking about how great of a time they had and I'm hearing their conversation from downstairs feeling shocked and sad. This triggered a lot within me.

 

I was the bigger man about it and I didn't get mad at her.. I went for a 5 mile walk/run and picked up her car. My financial situation as I said has been up and down... I had about $15.00 left in my PayPal account and I bought her flowers. I immediately shifted thinking "maybe this is just a reflection that there's something wrong in our relationship."

 

She apologized to me and talked to me about it openly. She didn't do anything wrong, just something out of the ordinary. Plus I DONT KNOW THIS GUY. So it worries me that she got that level of drunk with a guy I know absolutely nothing about.

 

We were having a good night about 3 days later... hanging out in the park together. I was trying to talk to her and get to know this guy. Almost as if she was testing the waters she brought up the possibility of going to the movies with him.

 

Yeah a woman can go to the movies with a friend but it didn't feel right... and it bothered me, I'm sure she could tell I was bothered.

 

2 Weeks after their first get together she says she's going to the movies with this guy. I didn't get too defensive but was open and I said it felt kind of weird.

 

It was another Sunday morning... she left to see the movie at 11:00AM and she said she was going to bring back lunch.

 

Well I kept myself occupied doing my own thing which was great. 2:30PM rolled along and I got a bit concerned "hmmm where is she?"

 

I texted her... she immediately texted me back and said she was out at lunch with him. I didn't make a deal of it... Cool have fun. I didn't blow up her phone.

 

5:30PM rolls along and it gets a bit concerning... the moment I texted her she said she was heading home. She took a shot with him but wasn't drunk. Feels unsettling that every time they're out they're drinking, but whatever it's just drinking.. My concern is I don't know this guy and he sorta just popped out of nowhere.

 

She arrives home at 6PM. So each time they hung out it's been for 7 hours. Which seems like a lot. I know there's no "rule". but this dude must be really important to hang out with him for 7 hours... whether it's a good friend or perhaps more than that. If he's just a really good friend I don't know why I am never invited.

 

So for a couple weeks I didn't say much about it.

 

Until the last week of May or so.

 

She stayed late for a meeting on Tuesday Night (tues seems to be the night she has been staying late a lot)

 

Which seemed weird because she had her meeting Saturday Morning too.

 

On Saturday things started boiling over. We got mad at each other over something small. I dropped her off at her meeting early because she wanted to sit with her friends.

 

I went to the coffee shop to work on some things.

 

Instead of calling me to pick her up she was dropped off by somebody, still to this day I don't even know who dropped her off.

 

Eventually I broke that weekend and we had some very tough conversations. She didn't realized how hurt i felt. She felt bad.

 

We both got vulnerable and cleared out a lot. At the time it seemed like a lot I was worried about wasn't a big deal once we communicated.

 

She said she wouldn't hang out with him anymore...

 

I told her that's not what i wanted and that's not the type of relationship I want. I just don't know this guy, never was introduced to him, never was invited etc.

 

She said she wants us to have our own time with her friends.

 

I AGREE.

And

 

I always invite her when I go out with people. I also think it'd be good for us all to collectively hang out once in a while too... I don't have to be hovering over her all the time. But I also don't think I should be totally casted out.

 

Anyway things got really good after our conversation. We got clear with each other... we grew closer together.

 

Fast forward about 1.5 Months to July. Everything has been good.

 

This week I started getting some really bad feelings again.

 

I never paid attention but I notice she's always around her phone.

 

She takes her phone to the bathroom first thing in the morning.

 

She stayed 2 hours later on Monday

 

She seems to always have to work 4 hours later on Tuesday for various reasons. Sometimes its a meeting other times somebody called out

 

She showed up to work an hour early on Tuesday as well

 

She stayed an hour later at work yesterday just talking to co-workers.

 

I know it's just a few extra hours here and there but something doesn't sit right.

 

Another concern is the past few weekends she's gone out to the store... or out to the gas station to clean the car. And I am absolutely happy she does that... but it's just different from her normal patterns

 

I never hear mention of the guy she hung out with again

Never mentioned hanging out with him

Doesn't bring his name up.

 

From our last deep conversation I wanted to know this guy more... it seems like he's deeper into the shadows, if he's still around. And on some level he is still around because he's her co-worker.

 

I could see her just not mentioning a co-worker... but somebody she hung out with 7 hours at a time? I feel like those type of friendships don't just "fade"

 

I have never violated her privacy.

 

but we know each other's passwords and such.

 

This morning she left her phone on the bed. While honoring her privacy I wasn't going through her ****. I just wanted to see if her passcode was still the same. It was changed.

 

all of this separate wouldn't bother me

 

All of this together feels like major red flags.

 

I am willing to move on... I do not want this to drag along though.

 

If she has other interests I would rather her just tell me so I could go my own way instead of having this pull and tug at me.

 

For me personally I do have things to be insecure about. I'm at the lowest points of my life financially.. I'm not fat but I gained some pounds from binge eating.

 

I'm taking care of that... I am eating clean, I'm doing extra in my business, I'm actively applying for jobs, I'm getting my bankruptcy handled (while keeping the home). I'm handling my business.

 

I guess I would understand how something like this could happen with her being frustrated with the inconsistency and not openly expressing it.

 

I still invest in our relationship every day

I seek to do more and more for her

She drives my car to work

I own the home we live in

I take time to be present with her and appreciate her every day

 

I am really confident that she doesn't physically cheat on me. I would be surprised if that were the case.

 

I am worried that there could be emotional cheating... or on the verge of emotional cheating.

 

I have a lot of awareness around relationships

I never accused her of cheating

I never threatened this other guy

I've been looking within to see how to better our relationship and took action on it.

 

I know thats most important, but it feels like there's still something that needs to be addressed

 

Thanks for reading my long winded post

 

What type of friendship you have with this lady 6 years and never got married to her. Thus a guy comes in takes her out and you are okay with that. Come on now James wake-up you to focus on yourself and she's doing what ever she pleases. She's having fun on you at your own expense with another guy! You think that's okay really. I know a guy who would sell you swamp land real cheap you want to buy that James. Really how naive you are a grown my so weak and not seeing the clear picture of what she's getting away with because James doesn't care to stop and put her out for her cheating no good woman ways. I frankly I am shock reading all of this today. Wow some people allow this sort of thing. But she's just living under your own roof drives your car and you just think everything is okay but James it not. She gone off you and go after another man. No matter what she does she's not with you she's with him! What drives me nuts is that you don't see that. Either you don't love her and you don't give a dam what she does. She's your friend yes but she's not truly into you anymore. That other guy is hot and she wants to be with him more. Text, phone out and more what you do is just take like a kid who doesn't know how to speak-up and tell her NO! If you do that now she'll try to say anything that will keep you okay about what she does.

 

1. She needs to be told TO GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

2. Give back the keys, any cell phone you gave her cancel the service.

3. You need to get your self-esteem back and take a break from woman.

 

Your a total mess, and I am being blunt and you need to know it. This is not normal behavior. Once you found out what her game was you should have kick her butt out the house. How could you allow this. Well now you know better not too next time.

 

She is taking clear advantage of your kindness she's using you and you just don't see it because your in denial!!!

[JamesHa]

What type of friendship you have with this lady 6 years and never got married to her. Thus a guy comes in takes her out and you are okay with that. Come on now James wake-up you to focus on yourself and she's doing what ever she pleases. She's having fun on you at your own expense with another guy! You think that's okay really. I know a guy who would sell you swamp land real cheap you want to buy that James. Really how naive you are a grown my so weak and not seeing the clear picture of what she's getting away with because James doesn't care to stop and put her out for her cheating no good woman ways. I frankly I am shock reading all of this today. Wow some people allow this sort of thing. But she's just living under your own roof drives your car and you just think everything is okay but James it not. She gone off you and go after another man. No matter what she does she's not with you she's with him! What drives me nuts is that you don't see that. Either you don't love her and you don't give a dam what she does. She's your friend yes but she's not truly into you anymore. That other guy is hot and she wants to be with him more. Text, phone out and more what you do is just take like a kid who doesn't know how to speak-up and tell her NO! If you do that now she'll try to say anything that will keep you okay about what she does.

 

1. She needs to be told TO GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

2. Give back the keys, any cell phone you gave her cancel the service.

3. You need to get your self-esteem back and take a break from woman.

 

Your a total mess, and I am being blunt and you need to know it. This is not normal behavior. Once you found out what her game was you should have kick her butt out the house. How could you allow this. Well now you know better not too next time.

 

She is taking clear advantage of your kindness she's using you and you just don't see it because your in denial!!!

 

Thank you for the real raw and relevant response.

 

I agree. My self esteem has taken a hit, I haven't felt powerful in my masculine as of lately (at least consistently).

 

We both agreed not to be married. We started out as a young couple and still pretty young. I met her at 20 and I was 23. I am now 30 and she's 27. So we simply weren't in a rush and weren't pressed to get married. If we belong together we'll do it. I understand other people's beliefs are different.

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she went out with the guy.

 

my alarms went off... I was insecure in a relationship 11 years ago and I didn't want to re-live that. I worked on myself so much since then. I am happy that I came here today and called her ass out once things were getting louder and louder. I know better to act earlier if I find myself in a similar situation.

 

I will defend our relationship saying that we've built something great. I know it sounds stupid saying this now but we were 2 people with solid values and integrity. Always open to each other... never any trust issues. Communicated very well.

 

Never the type to party or drink. Introvert she keeps to herself. I am similar in some ways of not partying much at all and keeping to myself. I do express myself a lot more than her in the public eye.

 

She's not the "typical" woman if that politically correct. Not big on makeup never getting her nails done. naturally beautiful. Not a big shopper, minimalist. Not into much consumerism or partying.

 

She's always worked for herself and saved money well. (actually she could spend a bit more to treat herself) She never had high expectations for me to pay for anything for her. Main reason she has the car is because she never hassled me or pushed boundaries to get it. I just thought it'd make her life easier since I work from home.

 

I know her being in a relationship with me at 20 (more like 21 since her birthday was a month away). I know that may drive her to want to live and experience new things and could be a whole other reason we're in this mess now.

 

I'm not saying she's right.

I'm not saying I handled this all perfectly.

I'm not saying that I wasn't losing my game and confidence.

 

But this is a huge red mark on an otherwise solid relationship.

 

Not just some woman I had no business being with in the first place,

 

I haven't been ignoring the signs for years and the relationship from the beginning being a mistake.

 

In sports terms... she was a very solid draft pick with a lot of upside... had no concerns about her character. We won championships together. Then all of a sudden in Year 6 she made a really horrible choice that could cost her career. (so like Ray Rice but she didn't physically abuse me)

[Try]

Her only response is "but I didnt do anything!!!"

if she didn't do anything wouldn't she be in this room telling me everything to show shes innocent?

There were no texts in her phone from him. I know damn well she texted him. I know damn well there was more than 1 phone call in the past 3 months.

You are right. Instead of telling you that she "didnt do anything", she should have been telling you "everything to show shes innocent". Also, her deleting text and phone logs confirms that what she was doing with her other man (OM) was something that she does not want you to know about. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. You gave her the chance to come clean so as to have a chance at starting to earn your trust back. Her decision to continue to lie and deny, means that she now considers dishonesty to be a normal part of the relationship that she wants with you. In trying to see if you can save this relationship, she is giving you nothing to work with.

[Space Ritual]

James,

 

I commend you for acting...however that is only a small part of it. Sticking to you guns is going to be difficult in the next few days.

 

Now the goal is to get her out of your life. You should have told her to pack her bags and get out last night, since you own the house, but I'm sure you were dealing with the stuff. We all don't think in cold calculating terms when these things happen.

 

Incidentally, I sure didn't when it happened to me. Far from it.

 

The thing to watch out for today is that she may give you either a long flowing tear filled "I didn't do anything wrong" speech, but unless it's a mascara running, blubbering, short of breath, rolling around on the ground presentation, I'd not even countenance listening to it.

 

You must understand that she is probably in damage control now. Anything she says to you about him is probably a lie, and it is to protect him and his life. She would not want you trying to find this guy's wife. I am pretty sure, given the regularity of the meetups on the same day, that he is in fact, either married or in a serious relationship.

 

But that is for another day. Steel yourself for today. She may blame resentment over finances, the length of time you've been together, or the fact she started seeing you so young...but the fact remains that none of that is ample justification for dating others when you are in a committed relationship

What happened last night and going forward is a result of her choices.