Red Flags....

[lolablue17]

To my opinion you should never reveal what you know and where from. You may not need it.

 

Seat with her and ask her if she has anything to tell you. If she wants details (and she will), never reveal anything.

Tell her that you love her, and if she doesn't love you back, there is no law that forces you to stay together. If she says she loves you say up front that you know much more than she thinks, and you're not going to reveal any information \ source. Insist that you're not going to be dragged to a cat and mouse games or trickle truth So she better be fully honest, what you know for sure she hasn't been lately. Be very clear about it.

 

If she insists to deny, ask her a full access to her phone. She will say many claims about privacy, but you must be adamant about it. Tell her that privacy is an important value, but fidelity is a little bit more important, and you have some evidence in your pocket. So if she insists that privacy in this case, is more important than having a relationship with you, it proves with no doubt that she has incriminating stuff in her phone. If having you is important to her, she must sacrifice a little privacy, on a one time base.

 

If she still insists keeping her privacy, even when everything is falling apart, there's your proof of cheating. In that case tell her that she is welcome to pack immediately. You deserve better.

 

If you want any further future advice, even if her phone is 100% clean, I would pretend that i'm sutisfied, and making a deeper investigetion, like tracking, keyloggers, VAR and stuff. If it was me I wouldn't even need the confrontation. All the things you said here is enough for me to break up, cheating or not cheating.

 

I belive that there is a very little chance for her not cheating, and for that I wouldn't even give her the benefit of knowing why I'm breaking up with her. I would have let her know later, through friends. But it's only me. I'm to proud for playing games. It's not my favorite quality but at least I admit my minorities

Edited July 14, 2017 by lolablue17

[JamesHa]

To my opinion you should never reveal what you know and where from. You may not need it.

 

Seat with her and ask her if she has anything to tell you. If she wants details (and she will), never reveal anything.

Tell her that you love her, and if she doesn't love you back, there is no law that forces you to stay together. If she says she loves you say up front that you know much more than she thinks, and you're not going to reveal any information \ source. Insist that you're not going to be dragged to a cat and mouse games or trickle truth So she better be fully honest, what you know for sure she hasn't been lately. Be very clear about it.

 

If she insists to deny, ask her a full access to her phone. She will say many claims about privacy, but you must be adamant about it. Tell her that privacy is an important value, but fidelity is a little bit more important, and you have some evidence in your pocket. So if she insists that privacy in this case, is more important than having a relationship with you, it proves with no doubt that she has incriminating stuff in her phone. If having you is important to her, she must sacrifice a little privacy, on a one time base.

 

If she still insists keeping her privacy, even when everything is falling apart, there's your proof of cheating. In that case tell her that she is welcome to pack immediately. You deserve better.

 

If you want any further future advice, even if her phone is 100% clean, I would pretend that i'm sutisfied, and making a deeper investigetion, like tracking, keyloggers, VAR and stuff. If it was me I wouldn't even need the confrontation. All the things you said here is enough for me to break up, cheating or not cheating.

 

I belive that there is a very little chance for her not cheating, and for that I wouldn't even give her the benefit of knowing why I'm breaking up with her. I would have let her know later, through friends. But it's only me. I'm to proud for playing games. It's not my favorite quality but at least I admit my minorities

 

Yeah I'm feeling the direct approach. I'm not feeling going undercover with a GPS or a recording device. If I call her out and put her on the spot she'll fold.

 

If she has no records of this guy in her phone she's totally full of ****, point blank.

 

She'll be home tonight. Feels like by far the most inconvenient times to do this but it never is, and this is a crucial aspect of my life.

 

Thank You once again.

[lolablue17]

She'll be home tonight. Feels like by far the most inconvenient times to do this but it never is, and this is a crucial aspect of my life.

 

No likes confrontations, but remember that the inconvenience is temporary and for a very short time. After that you will feel better for doing this, regardless of the confrontation result.

Edited July 14, 2017 by lolablue17

[Space Ritual]

Don't beg or argue. When she becomes combative just say "I know".

 

Ask her to make arrangements to move out. You've done nothing wrong so why should you move? Maybe she can move in with this guy's wife and save a lot of money on Facetime billing he can do simuls with both of them.

[kgcolonel]

Don't beg or argue. When she becomes combative just say "I know".

 

Ask her to make arrangements to move out. You've done nothing wrong so why should you move? Maybe she can move in with this guy's wife and save a lot of money on Facetime billing he can do simuls with both of them.

 

you may even want to have a bag packed for her so she knows you're okay with the split if she threatens you with such....conceal the packed bag and when the threat surfaces, go, get the bag and set it next to the door.

[Poutrew]

I second the point to NEVER give up your sources. But, there is nothing wrong with a little misdirection. For example, if she is staying late to bang the OM, they almost certainly have gone to a public eatery at some point. You can vaguely allude to the fact that someone you both know saw her with the guy and how her behavior was... unprofessional. And how she left with him... and how she didn't leave for home after the dinner unless she only drives 10 mph. "So, hunny bunny, where did you and OM go after dinner?" That puts her on the defensive. It also makes her question which friend of hers tattled on her... If she demands to know exactly shat day it was, say something like , "Take your pick of any of the 45 days you have been home late due to 'working'..."

Edited July 14, 2017 by Poutrew

[Superchicken]

Lastly, don't say "I think your cheating".

Say "I know your cheating".

Its obvious to ALL of us here, even the most sympathetic to the "Suspected".

 

 

Don't let her deflect, and especially, don't settle.

Get everything you need from her, and then you need to make a choice.

The choice is, wether to wear a shirt or polo top when YOU LEAVE HER !.

 

 

How in gods earth do you stay with someone like that.

WTF !.

No freaking remorse for your feelings, and so selfish.

 

 

Throw her out !.

 

 

Oh but one more thing.. while telling her she's cheating, ask to see her phone, email, and FB accounts.

Lets see what she does then..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[lolablue17]

You can vaguely allude to the fact that someone you both know saw her with the guy and how her behavior was... unprofessional. "

 

Lastly, don't say "I think your cheating".

Say "I know your cheating".

Its obvious to ALL of us here, even the most sympathetic to the "Suspected

 

I disagree with you both. Let's not forget guys, that she's not 100% physically cheating. She may or may not. She must be doing something wrong, that's for sure. What is this "something"? You don't know.

 

I think OP is weel aware of everything, he's got a pretty accurate diagnosis about his position, he is well prepared for every possibility and he knows well how to converse. He should follow his guts and not trying to memorize lines. And especially never saying things that are not certain. He knows her better. She even might be more than willing to talk about everything, and even to admit everything.

 

Good luck, dude...

[olivetree]

I disagree with you both. Let's not forget guys, that she's not 100% physically cheating. She may or may not. She must be doing something wrong, that's for sure. What is this "something"? You don't know.

 

She is cheating though, because at the very least it is emotional.

 

Given how often she is staying late at "work" and physically with this guy, not just texting/calling him, I think the chances that it is physical is 99.9%.

[JamesHa]

Yeah.. adding in I heard she was out feels a bit too much right now. I think i'd fumble and try to force that. I'm gonna stick to "I know more than you think I know"

 

Well...

 

She literally called me today at 3:15 to tell me she's going to be at work til 7 again.

 

And she seemed more rushed than usual (literally after I texted her saying "are things busy today?" and she was like "no definitely not"

 

Says there was an emergency w a co-worker and her family. I mean quite odd that this emergency happens right before shift ends.

 

This is the most OT and /or times shes should up late ever. It wasn't like this a week ago or a month ago etc.

 

It's like she's getting bolder or she's ready to get caught... or she's comfortable with it or..... she thinks I'm too concerned about other things and she's in the clear.. or that since she did some extra things for me yesterday I wouldn't suspect it.

 

Just find it interesting.

 

So she'll be arriving home a little later than 8 unless some other story pops up (which has never happened before but something is up)

 

and it'll be handled tonight.

[Poutrew]

Since she said she was late tonight because of an 'emergency', this is a perfect opportunity to lead into things, as it would be only natural for you to ask with concern about the nature of the emergency - It'll be interesting to see how she handles it. Listen carefully to what she says and how she says it. You will be able to tell if she is making things up, or has rehearsed what she is going to tell you. Once you get into the meat and potatoes of your discussion, my take is that she will try to spin it around, and make you the bad guy. Be prepared for that... do keep us posted.

[JamesHa]

Ok so she's at work and she's printing out papers for me so she IS doing overtime. She's not leaving work

 

I let my guard down thinking "holy **** have I been out of my mind this whole time???"

 

I purposely called her work phone.. first it was making strange noises and hung up. I called back 15 minutes later and it was a different busy tone.

 

So then I called another work number I had which was to the main lobby "main lobby this is Cross" ok cool.. I purposely talked nervously and said oh I thought this was her. He transfered me and her land line was working

 

she's been very short with me today so I tried to keep the convo as long as possible... she was acting VERY different than usual. She usually would hang on the phone for a while but it kept seeming like she was ready to hop off the phone.

 

When she did I decided to call back 2 minutes later and accidentally dialed the front lobby again. I realized "Cross" if I heard it correctly is the nickname this guy uses.

 

I said sorry wrong number, immediately called my girlfriends landline. I told her I forgot something. She was still a bit dismissive and we ALWAYS say "I Love You" after the call. This moment it was like "Ok" and the call ended.

 

My thoughts are they could possibly be occupied on the office phones talking to each other

 

And she may have insisted I send the forms to her to get me off the phone

[doyathinkso]

Can you just drop by her work and bring a coffee and donut for her. Gives you a chance to see if she's really at her desk, or on it.

[Try]

When she did I decided to call back 2 minutes later and accidentally dialed the front lobby again. I realized "Cross" if I heard it correctly is the nickname this guy uses.

After hour front desk job often means that he may have security duty too. If so he may have keys to offices not in use where the 2 of them can meet in private for a few minutes. Of course with her going on 7 hour dates that sometimes include, meals and drinks, they have plenty of other opportunities.

 

BTW start calling them "dates" to her because that is what they really are. Dates are when members of the opposite sex spend one on one time together, that allows themselves the opportunity to develop romantic feelings for each other. Most dates do not involve sex, and often do not involve even kissing, so do not let her try to tell you that they were not dates even if she claims there was no sex.

[kgcolonel]

Can you just drop by her work and bring a coffee and donut for her. Gives you a chance to see if she's really at her desk, or on it.

 

I would at least go by to see if she's forwarded her phone to the cell....check out the parking lot to see if her car is still there.....

[OatsAndHall]

At this point, it doesn't really matter if she is screwing around or not. She has obviously lost your trust (rightly so!) and that is what I suggest you focus on at this point. At this point, you are putting yourself through hell by being with this woman. You're spending a lot of time and energy wondering where she is and what she is doing. And, you've gotten sucked into the games with the phones and passwords. You can keep having conversations with her about it but it doesn't sound like it is going to get you anywhere. So, you're spinning your wheels here, my friend.

 

I would follow through and separate from her and see where it goes from there. And, BE HONEST about it; don't feed her some self-deprecating line about being insecure. Tell her that you no longer trust her and that you need time and space away from her to sort things out in your head. Getting away from her will give you room to breath and think about how you want to proceed from there.

[JamesHa]

I would at least go by to see if she's forwarded her phone to the cell....check out the parking lot to see if her car is still there.....

 

the phone is legit I can tell by the outside environment + the booth she's in that its at the job.

 

I oddly feel disappointed and even guilty that I didn't catch her leaving work. After I felt she was short to me I gave her a call back 3 minutes later to say i forgot something and I just wanted to see how long i could keep her on.

 

She sounded happy to talk and wasn't in a rush.

 

So tonight there's no dinner and sex with him.

She is usually available when she works late and I can tell she is there. We very often eat dinner together and I know she doesn't have an appetite like that.

 

Don't get me wrong I think something needs to be addressed.. but tonight I kind of expected some bigger reveal.

[JamesHa]

At this point, it doesn't really matter if she is screwing around or not. She has obviously lost your trust (rightly so!) and that is what I suggest you focus on at this point. At this point, you are putting yourself through hell by being with this woman. You're spending a lot of time and energy wondering where she is and what she is doing. And, you've gotten sucked into the games with the phones and passwords. You can keep having conversations with her about it but it doesn't sound like it is going to get you anywhere. So, you're spinning your wheels here, my friend.

 

I would follow through and separate from her and see where it goes from there. And, BE HONEST about it; don't feed her some self-deprecating line about being insecure. Tell her that you no longer trust her and that you need time and space away from her to sort things out in your head. Getting away from her will give you room to breath and think about how you want to proceed from there.

 

That sounds very good.

My biggest fear is coming off insecure and looking like a jackass.

 

This is cut and dry.. I can call it out for what I see in a confident way.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She's still holding onto me for some reason.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't she use your car? And your house? And the security of your emotional support? Three big reasons right there.

[Try]

You might as well buy her clothes so she can look good for her dates.

You say the the OP "might as well buy her clothes so she can look good for her dates", when in fact the OP gives her the money to do so by letting her live in his house and drive his car for free. If the other man (OM) is single, something tells me that if she had to move in with the OM (front desk after hour shift), that the OM would make her pay her fair share.

[JamesHa]

Clarification: I don't have much money to give her.

 

She drives my car but she also handled $800 repairs so she's put her share in the car and she does a lot.

 

This makes it sensitive. She can be taking OT to help me out in a major way as I'm getting my bankruptcy done and getting back into a stable job while still continuing to grow my business.

 

I've been paying nothing but bills and mortgage .. sometimes she helps out with that since my money isn't guaranteed and consistent.

 

So if I'm a dick to her for taking OT and helping out that wouldn't be good.

 

Granted she still has a home to live in and has a ride so I'll give it that. It would be very uncomfortable for her to step out.

 

I know I'm a solid stable dude with integrity while maybe another guy could give her a bit of excitement and an escape from stress but to say she's using me for money would be laughable.

[JamesHa]

Doesn't she use your car? And your house? And the security of your emotional support? Three big reasons right there.

 

absolutely great point.

[OatsAndHall]

That sounds very good.

My biggest fear is coming off insecure and looking like a jackass.

 

This is cut and dry.. I can call it out for what I see in a confident way.

 

I can understand feeling that way, especially when you have been with someone for so long.

 

But she is just draining your time and energy at this point. Not trusting a woman is solid enough grounds for me to cut ties.

 

And yes, telling her that you don't trust her is the truth and shows confidence.

[JamesHa]

I can understand feeling that way, especially when you have been with someone for so long.

 

But she is just draining your time and energy at this point. Not trusting a woman is solid enough grounds for me to cut ties.

 

And yes, telling her that you don't trust her is the truth and shows confidence.

 

Thank you and I agree. This approach simplifies a lot for me and I feel confident stating it.

 

Whatever happens tonight I know it will clear up a lot for me. I have this deep knowing that this has been effecting my physical shape and finances too.

[Try]

My biggest fear is coming off insecure and looking like a jackass.

Your statement that your "biggest fear is coming off insecure and looking like a jackass" is the type of early statement made by most of the cheated on posters in the infidelity section of this site. This is because part of the cheaters script is for the cheater to falsely claim that you are being "insecure" if you say anything about you not liking them seeing their other man (OM). Ironically, it is the confident man that trust their gut as to what is really going on and stands their ground. With time on this site, many posters learn this truth. Good luck tonight. Edited July 14, 2017 by Try