Red Flags....

[JamesHa]

Wow...I have to say when I urged you to take action I have to say you took our collective advice to heart.

 

Rather than put anything else in you head tonight, I would simply advise you that after what you accomplished over the last 24 hours is more than alot of people would have taken their entire relationship.

 

Speaking of which if you do decide to attempt a reconciliation,she has to let this guy go for good. And her toxic friends are out too.

 

I see she has already tried Love Bombing you. Right now she needs to be intimate in hopes that will pave the way for forgiveness.

 

So she has a lot to think about, as do you. If this guy has any work relationship with her, that needs to end.

 

She needs to send this guy a No Contact message with you witnessing it. Because a lot of times people say they will end it only to find out they haven't. That way you can hold her accountable if indeed she breaks NC.

 

I think she is in a lot deeper than she will admit right now. And is only admitting to what she thinks you know.

 

You don't have to decide right now, but you will be able to see how her actions line up with her words in the very n ear future. That will be crucial to discovering whether she is a good candidate for reconciliation.

 

I'll close by saying that even if you do try to work it out and you decide this is a deal breaker, that is well within your right. She has to be a safe person to be around for herself, so she never repeats such actions.

 

The work to do so by the cheater is usually too daunting a task with no guarantee of reconciliation, so they either can't or won't do the necessary work as they have a hard time dealing with inexact outcomes.

 

Get some sleep. we'll be here. You deserve not only some applause, but also my respect, because you acted.

 

 

Thank you for this. This was very encouraging.

 

Here's an update:

 

We spent Sunday working it out as well. It was like a marathon of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

 

From me crying, expressing my pain questioning her about different incidents and her coming clean.

 

And I did get her to open up more and more to what was missing in our relationship that caused this. I don't want people to take this a wrong way.. she was honoring my pain and honoring what she did was wrong, but I knew it was crucial to see the core of my shortcomings too. I know money was a think but money is the byproduct of something deeper.

 

She said she didn't feel safe to express herself to me anymore. She felt like she was beneath me and I didn't respect her. It was piling up... every time she'd rant about work I deflected and instead of allowing her to express her pain I just said "dont get caught up in that bull**** thing positive"... more and more I've pushed her away and she hasn't felt safe to say anything and everything with me. So it started as a friendship with this other guy because he'd listen to her rant.. he could relate so he'd rant back .

 

Another thing is food. She's a foodie and that's her passion... she loves finding new local spots to go and food trucks to go to with me. I shamed that aspect of us because of me wanting a healthy lifestyle. I'd scoff at her when we'd go out to lunch like "I don't want that greasy ****!"

 

And I can eat healthy without judging her or our food choices. We can both enjoy different foods with appropriate.

 

So yeah it made sense. When she was late last week on Wednesday for an hour she said she was talking to Co-Workers and having a fun argument about food (including him). She felt like she couldn't have those fun conversations with me anymore and I wasn't fun and laid back like I used to be.

 

I was able to retrieve old text messages and there was no sign of a physical affair.. just talk. Things like "I better come in early to talk about work stuff so we have time to talk about other stuff" I'm sure this other stuff isn't anything I'd enjoy sitting in on the phone for... I know this emotional connection got deep.. but I don't have any signs of sneaking out on dates.

 

Honestly I'd have to reach to say they go out to dinner and do **** like that after work. I never had called her work where during OT when she wasn't there, and when she comes home we eat a big dinner... she's not fat enough to be eating 2 dinners a night. Even if she did have wild sex afterwards. She'd be coming home not hungry... or too tired that she got ****ed . If she passes out after we have sex then she better be passing out when she has affair sex right? lol

 

As for here 2 "Dates" the text messages before those were simple friend meet up texts. There was still a friend mode thing going on. I'm not saying it was ABSOLUTELY innocent. But she was still in the position of "James is my boyfriend and this is my friend"

 

Not...

 

"lets meet up at the movies so I can jerk you off"

 

She went to places that we go to on a regular basis during those 2 meetups. And in another weird way I didn't feel threatened because she made the decisions and picked out the places. As a man if you're taking a woman out I find it crucial for the man to lead and say "we're going here you're gonna love it"

 

Maybe it's strange? I'd be more concerned if he took her out to his favorite place that she didn't know about and blew her away. But instead she took her to local spots that we love.

 

She saw the ****ty Alien movie with him because she didn't want to see a good movie with him before me .

 

During the 1st meet up she was on the phone with me when she was drunk rambling "When I come home Im gonna **** the **** out of you!!!" and she said that night when she was drunk it was rants about work and her keep saying "I'm gonna **** the **** out of James!"

 

We never had sex because she was passed out but.....

 

and the 2nd "date" she came on her period days before. She's very self conscious about period sex. I know that can change... but I dunno. Would seem kind of weird. Sure she can lie about her period but I don't feel that was the case. After that 2nd time they were out like I said she took a shot.. when she came home she made out with me and I made her orgasm w/o penetration

 

This is all not stuff she "sold me" on. This is me going back to those days because over the weekend my mind was going to dark places... but I just remember this things.

 

Another thing i noticed is she hasn't gone the extra mile to shave more often than usual... put any sort of new make up on or anything. Only thing she changed recently is apply her body spray in the car instead of at home. So she can go to the car and not smell like sweat and ass through the middle of the day.

 

So anyway.. Yeah

 

The beginning of the weekend I thought "wow I need to really man up and take charge again" Which there's a lot of truth to it.. of course I get to do that.

 

But what I really realized is "wow I need to be more compassionate and listen to her more"

 

Because some how we ended up in a space where we both weren't enough for each other and we weren't talking about it.

 

I took consideration to all feedback here and I appreciate it.

 

I also talked to friends he knew of our relationship.. but would be non-biased and not take any sides. One of my friends being in a 20 year marriage and got through emotional affairs from both sides.

 

What feels most expansive is to focus on connection. This happened because of a lack of connection. It doesn't feel right for me to shame her or make her prove herself to earn my respect again. That's what got us here.

 

Polygraph test seems like over the top. Before I'd ever do that I'd just break it off with her.

 

We've been able to connect emotionally on a deeper level than I can ever remember. We've torn down walls that may have been up for years.

 

She had a talk with the guy and they both cried and he honored her wishes. This is all what she said but thus far she's been coming clean with me. He said he was hesitant because she was with me but he saw as he moved in on her it was making her happy to talk. It went off the rails from there.

 

I'd like to thank him.. for giving me a wake up call. I respect this guy. He's a single dude.. to be honest if this was me 8 years ago I'd probably be doing the same damn thing.

 

If I saw him I'd shake his hand.

 

I wish him the best. I do believe he's single and I hope he finds happiness. If he does have a wife then so be it.. I still hope he finds happiness.

 

If I'm being a delusional idiot and 3 months from now I'm back on this forum saying she ended up leaving me for him.

 

So be it.. I bless them and hope they find happiness.

 

However this unfolds I know it means I will experience a deeper sense of connection in my relationships.

 

However this unfolds I will never allow this to turn me bitter towards women or close off my heart, I took that road before and it's not fun.

 

I can build trust with her again. I don't need to interrogate her and sneak up on her etc.

 

Energy never lies. If there's something wrong I'll feel it.

 

She changed her phone PW back without me asking her.

She leaves her phone out in the open now.

I told her even if he does text to leave the text message.. I'm not gonna incriminate her for something he's said.

 

I choose to respect her privacy though. I can read her. I'll know if she's trying to cover something up without having to be Sherlock Holmes .

 

most importantly...

 

I'm willing to leave if shes not happy.

 

I've said many times before and I'm willing to say it again.

 

"If you want to leave me just tell me and we'll arrange it. There's not judgment and shame.. if we're meant to grow apart so be it"

 

I'm not going to be the insecure boyfriend that holds onto something that's not real.

 

Another fun thing is... I had the idea over the weekend to buy a trailer and travel across the country. Literally the next day she brought up to me "it would be cool if we got a trailer and traveled the country and did a food blog about it"

 

I haven't realized how long its been since she's talked to me about her passion. And I had no idea that I was discouraging her from doing so.

 

Thank You everybody.

 

Maybe I'll post a year from now saying how much things got better.

 

Maybe I'll post 3 months from now saying how everything fell apart.

 

I'm willing to check my ego at the door and own up to any consequences.

[ExpatInItaly]

You'd like to thank the man who tried to seduce your girl? You respect a man who tried to get in the pants of a non-single woman?

 

OP, no offense because I know you're in the hysterical bonding phase, but you need to give your head a good shake. There is zero to respect or appreciate about your girlfriend's affair partner. Have a look on the Infidelity and Other Man/Other Woman forums here for a better idea about what this affair means for your relationship.

 

I will wish you luck, though. I have been where you are. This is going to be a bumpy ride.

[JamesHa]

You'd like to thank the man who tried to seduce your girl? You respect a man who tried to get in the pants of a non-single woman?

 

OP, no offense because I know you're in the hysterical bonding phase, but you need to give your head a good shake. There is zero to respect or appreciate about your girlfriend's affair partner. Have a look on the Infidelity and Other Man/Other Woman forums here for a better idea about what this affair means for your relationship.

 

I will wish you luck, though. I have been where you are. This is going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Absolutely. I can't experience Love by holding onto resentment. I've played that game before, it doesn't serve at all.

 

If my current relationship isn't meant to be, so be it. I'll feel the emotions but I choose not to hold on or make it my identity. I'd much rather heal up my issues with him and her than to hold onto years of hate.

 

If my relationship is working well I'll know it and I'll feel it.

 

There has been a lot of emotions but we've been quite centered and grounded. I'm not worried much about hysteria. I will focus on what's within and what's in front of me.

[doyathinkso]

If I'm being a delusional idiot

 

 

You wouldn't have this thought if part of you didn't believe it.

 

You're not the first guy to go down this particular rabbit-hole. You won't be the last either. Your situation is just another iteration of the same sad tale repeated over and over on this and other forums.

 

Good luck. I think you're going to need it. I do however hope to he|| that I'm wrong.

[JamesHa]

You wouldn't have this thought if part of you didn't believe it.

 

You're not the first guy to go down this particular rabbit-hole. You won't be the last either. Your situation is just another iteration of the same sad tale repeated over and over on this and other forums.

 

Good luck. I think you're going to need it. I do however hope to he|| that I'm wrong.

 

I thought of it because it seems like most of this thread is saying its over. So it may seem crazy to most people here what I'm doing.

 

I know we got work to do. I think it'd be just as delusional to think that a bump in a relationship always ends it. We'll do our best.. If we break apart it will also serve us because we get to find situations and environments that are a better match for both of us.

 

Thank You for your support. I appreciate it all

[Poutrew]

James, it's all your fault...

 

You: Hunny bunny, why were you in the process of moving in with another dude?

 

Her: Well, I realize what I was doing was wrong, but I got resentful because you wouldn't let me eat at cheap-ass burger dives and cover myself with bacon grease. Also, I can't complain about work (why would she want to do this if her dream boat was there waiting for her?) you treat me with derision and humiliate me. The other guy cuddles me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear.

 

You: OK, Snookie Uukems, I accept my culpability and all is forgiven. Let's go on a camping trip - I bought a trailer.

 

 

Her: (On the phone with the OM while you are packing up for the trip.) "Hi baby. He bought it hook line and sinker. All I had to do was cry and deflect the issue away from what we were doing and gaslight him into taking responsibility. Oh, and he wants to give you a great big kiss for helping him to be a better man! Can you believe it? Hey, maybe by the time we get back I can talk him into a 3-way I just can't believe how useful chapter 4 in the Cheater's Handbook was! Hey baby, I gotta go- he is finished packing and we are off on our week long adventure... Keep the car seat warm for me...bye!"

 

James, think for a minute. You not letting her eat at McDonalds caused her to bang another man. From her point of view, things have turned out great! Why would she even consider stopping her affair? You need to polygraph her as a way of at least closing out the chapter. If she is truthful, there should be no problem, but I bet she will come up with all sorts of excuses not to take it... Well, even if you just want to bury your head in the sand on this, you would be in good company. Being a cuckold isn't so bad I guess, as long as she at least lies convincingly enough about how much you mean to her...

[JamesHa]

James, it's all your fault...

 

You: Hunny bunny, why were you in the process of moving in with another dude?

 

Her: Well, I realize what I was doing was wrong, but I got resentful because you wouldn't let me eat at cheap-ass burger dives and cover myself with bacon grease. Also, I can't complain about work (why would she want to do this if her dream boat was there waiting for her?) you treat me with derision and humiliate me. The other guy cuddles me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear.

 

You: OK, Snookie Uukems, I accept my culpability and all is forgiven. Let's go on a camping trip - I bought a trailer.

 

 

Her: (On the phone with the OM while you are packing up for the trip.) "Hi baby. He bought it hook line and sinker. All I had to do was cry and deflect the issue away from what we were doing and gaslight him into taking responsibility. Oh, and he wants to give you a great big kiss for helping him to be a better man! Can you believe it? Hey, maybe by the time we get back I can talk him into a 3-way I just can't believe how useful chapter 4 in the Cheater's Handbook was! Hey baby, I gotta go- he is finished packing and we are off on our week long adventure... Keep the car seat warm for me...bye!"

 

James, think for a minute. You not letting her eat at McDonalds caused her to bang another man. From her point of view, things have turned out great! Why would she even consider stopping her affair? You need to polygraph her as a way of at least closing out the chapter. If she is truthful, there should be no problem, but I bet she will come up with all sorts of excuses not to take it... Well, even if you just want to bury your head in the sand on this, you would be in good company. Being a cuckold isn't so bad I guess, as long as she at least lies convincingly enough about how much you mean to her...

 

You have a very unrealistic perception on how cheaters talk and act.

[TobyBoy]

You have a very unrealistic perception on how cheaters talk and act.

Does he really? James, why was your girlfriend and her lover crying when they talked? Was because they felt bad for hurting you? Or because they got caught and they can't be together anymore?

[lolablue17]

Good luck, man! I'm happy for you.

I really hope for to leverage all this to gain a better learning of yourself. I also wish you happiness and I'm glad you take positively and use it to improve your relationship.

Best...

[GoldenR]

I just read this entire thread....

 

Stop fooling yourself. She had sex with that guy. A lot of sex. Adults that sneak around to spend hours and hours together are not just talking. Deep down you know that. She's walking all over you and you're allowing it.

[JamesHa]

Does he really? James, why was your girlfriend and her lover crying when they talked? Was because they felt bad for hurting you? Or because they got caught and they can't be together anymore?

 

I never implied it was because they collectively felt bad for hurting me. Obviously he wouldn't cry because he hurt me.

 

She obviously cried because she hurt me and she did develop an emotional connection with him that she's breaking off.

[JamesHa]

Good luck, man! I'm happy for you.

I really hope for to leverage all this to gain a better learning of yourself. I also wish you happiness and I'm glad you take positively and use it to improve your relationship.

Best...

 

Thanks man I appreciate all your help and support.

[Superchicken]

The fat lady is on holidays.

so she aint singing yet.

 

 

Just keep an eye on things.

Emotional affairs are harder to quash.

Especially going cold turkey.

Please don't fool yourself that its all finished now.

You need to tell you W that when she gets the urge to communicate with him (She will), that she talks to you about it openly. This way, you can help her get over those urges.

But she has to be willing.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.

[BluesPower]

You have a very unrealistic perception on how cheaters talk and act.

 

Actually James...Poutrew has a very real and knowledgeable view of how cheaters talk. It is you who is buying all of your GF's complete batch of BF.

 

Dude, people here have already lived this and came out the other side.

 

You started out strong but you lost your nerve.

 

You want to believe that she did not sleep with him, but she did.

 

You want to believe that if he had wanted her to, she would not have left you, but she would have.

 

You want to believe that she loves you and respects you, but she most certainly does not.

 

What you have done is buy in to all the standard BS that ever person wants to believe at first.

 

Everyone here told you the best course of action. We told you that because we have lived it and because we have read it a 1000 times.

 

What you are doing now is being weak. You were weak the night you did not kick her out of the house when you found out.

 

She will continue to cheat on you, probably with the same guy, if not with another one. She is a cheater, she does not regret what she has done, because she has had no consequences and she likes screwing him more than she likes screwing you.

 

Is any of this sinking in???? Because your smug response to Poutrew kind of proves that you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

In 3, 6 months or maybe a year, you will be back if you have the courage, which I am betting that you don't.

 

At that time you will do the traditional "OK you guys were all right. She was having wild monkey sex with him and his 5 roommates. Now the problem is I married her and we have a kid on the way and I don't know if it is mine."

 

News flash it won't be...

 

Please wake up and dump this GF, just please listen.

[JamesHa]

The fat lady is on holidays.

so she aint singing yet.

 

 

Just keep an eye on things.

Emotional affairs are harder to quash.

Especially going cold turkey.

Please don't fool yourself that its all finished now.

You need to tell you W that when she gets the urge to communicate with him (She will), that she talks to you about it openly. This way, you can help her get over those urges.

But she has to be willing.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.

 

Thanks Ted I appreciate it.

[JamesHa]

Actually James...Poutrew has a very real and knowledgeable view of how cheaters talk. It is you who is buying all of your GF's complete batch of BF.

 

Dude, people here have already lived this and came out the other side.

 

You started out strong but you lost your nerve.

 

You want to believe that she did not sleep with him, but she did.

 

You want to believe that if he had wanted her to, she would not have left you, but she would have.

 

You want to believe that she loves you and respects you, but she most certainly does not.

 

What you have done is buy in to all the standard BS that ever person wants to believe at first.

 

Everyone here told you the best course of action. We told you that because we have lived it and because we have read it a 1000 times.

 

What you are doing now is being weak. You were weak the night you did not kick her out of the house when you found out.

 

She will continue to cheat on you, probably with the same guy, if not with another one. She is a cheater, she does not regret what she has done, because she has had no consequences and she likes screwing him more than she likes screwing you.

 

Is any of this sinking in???? Because your smug response to Poutrew kind of proves that you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

In 3, 6 months or maybe a year, you will be back if you have the courage, which I am betting that you don't.

 

At that time you will do the traditional "OK you guys were all right. She was having wild monkey sex with him and his 5 roommates. Now the problem is I married her and we have a kid on the way and I don't know if it is mine."

 

News flash it won't be...

 

Please wake up and dump this GF, just please listen.

 

 

Cheating happens when there's a lack of connection in a relationship.

 

They're not evil villains plotting some scheme. The most ridiculous absurd bull**** Poutrew said is "ohhh yes we got him!! and soon we can convince him to had a 3-Some with us!!!"

 

You really think that's rational?

 

I thank all of those here who have been loving and supportive. Regardless of your opinion I can tell you've been looking out for my best interest. You know who you all are. Thank you!

 

on the other hand I can tell that some of you who were shaming are still holding resentment for you personal **** and I refuse to go down that road.

 

We're gonna work on us. If it doesn't work.. if she feels like he's the man she should be with. I'll make it easy for her to express herself, come clean and we can both go on with our lives. No need for all of the resentment and drama.

[GoldenR]

I don't resent you. I'm not bitter about this. I don't know you. I can tell you I wish someone had shaken me and slapped the taste outta my mouth to make me wake up and read the writing that was very clearly on the wall. Instead, I spent a lot of time with a serial cheater. I'm very happy now. I've moved on. My wife and my life is very awesome.

 

I'll say this one more time, then I'm done here: grown men and women do not sneak around just to talk about how cool they think each other is. They don't spend hours off the radar talking to each other. They sneak around to have sex. Period. And then they lie about it.

[TobyBoy]

Cheating happens when there's a lack of connection in a relationship.

 

They're not evil villains plotting some scheme. The most ridiculous absurd bull**** Poutrew said is "ohhh yes we got him!! and soon we can convince him to had a 3-Some with us!!!"

 

You really think that's rational?

 

I thank all of those here who have been loving and supportive. Regardless of your opinion I can tell you've been looking out for my best interest. You know who you all are. Thank you!

 

on the other hand I can tell that some of you who were shaming are still holding resentment for you personal **** and I refuse to go down that road.

 

We're gonna work on us. If it doesn't work.. if she feels like he's the man she should be with. I'll make it easy for her to express herself, come clean and we can both go on with our lives. No need for all of the resentment and drama.

The highlighted is the standard reply of a rug sweeping newbie. Seen it here and other forums many times. Theres no convincing them otherwise. James, at the very least do the following. 1) get tested for stds, your girlfriend also and a pregnancy test for her also. 2) established boundaries with clear consequences. 3) no contact with her lover ever. If that means she quits her job, so be it. 4) full transparency with all devices, passwords, emails....

5) Last one......Never allow your girlfriend to date other men!!

[Poutrew]

James. I am very sorry you think my response is so off the wall ridiculous. You are a young guy and like most young people, you have all the answers... and normally us older types just bite our tongues because the kids only fight and argue...better to let experience be the teacher I guess. When you said : "Cheating happens when there's a lack of connection in a relationship." Shows us you know nothing... it is just not true... how many cheaters that have been on this board and confessed that their spouse has done nothing wrong, that they are literally perfect, loving, communicative, and devoted, and they say "Even while I am having sex with the OM, I am thinking to myself 'why am I doing this? I love my husband, and now I am pregnant with the OM's child and I am going to destroy my husband, the most loving man I have ever known....' You see, affairs start for absolutely no reason. Every flimsy reason your gf gave you is obfuscating the real truth - she was aroused by the other man. He made her vagina tingle, and she kept going back because she wanted to... You did not enter the picture at all.

 

The last bit of dialogue I'll give you to say to her is this: "Dear, I am so glad we are beginning to iron this mess out. I love you and want to spend my life with you and I don't want this little bump in the road to cause any problems. Towards establishing trust back in our relationship, I really would like to schedule a polygraph test and ask my questions one last time. You have nothing to worry about because the test will show me you are telling me the truth...nothing more. And, you can ask me any questions you would like as well. I'd only be too happy proving my love and devotion to you. DO this for me - no, do it for US... so we can get on with building our life together uninterrupted. Okay?"

 

Say that even if you have no intention to go through with it. Look at her face, and listen to her thoughts... she ought to be bending over backwards to prove her absolute love for you, and have no reason to fear the results of the test. My guess is she will have objections...Dude, like the others here, we all want to save you potential years of misery and pain. See, we know the road you are traveling on as we have been down it before. It is an endless road, and it gets lost in the swirling mists and shadowy pathways that define the meaning of darkness... But whatever path you choose, good luck travelling it.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Poutrew

[Space Ritual]

Thank you for this. This was very encouraging.

 

Here's an update:

 

 

If I saw him I'd shake his hand.

 

I wish him the best. I do believe he's single and I hope he finds happiness. If he does have a wife then so be it.. I still hope he finds happiness.

 

If I'm being a delusional idiot and 3 months from now I'm back on this forum saying she ended up leaving me for him.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I am laughing only because you have just started the ball rolling on this self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I can only laugh because so many of us here thought the exact same thing, that we were different. That indeed it was OUR Fault..at least that's what our Spouse or significant other told us and we bought it.

 

And you bought it too..

 

When I was trying to encourage you, my intent was for you to actually see this through and have the scales fall from your eyes. Instead they fell off for 2 seconds, and you leaned over, picked the scales back up and fixed them back over your eyes.

 

So regarding what you said to Poutrew.

 

The advice and admonishment dispensed to you by Poutrew is not only invaluable, but it is the result of what so many of us see....and that we see alot of ourselves at one point in you currently.

 

We do this here at LS not because we are a bunch of jaded bitter arseholes...we do it because we care. And we hate to see someone going down the road to more heartache. We have ALL been there, done that, and gotten the lousy T Shirt.

 

We have been fed the same ****e Sandwich before, except in our case we realized indeed it tasted like ****e, so we stopped eating it. We were trying to get you to stop eating it too.

 

You have succeeded only in firing off your V2 Rocket toward England , only to have it explode on the Launch Pad.

 

Oh James...James...James...

 

I am sorry, you have only given your GF a detailed heads up and now she will take a little more care in talking to this guy, while they have a good laugh at your expense and how easily she was able to BS you back into line.

 

To say I am disappointed is an understatement. But not in you..I am disappointed For you. Because there is no longer any doubt that indeed you are being a delusional idiot who never had any intention of really understanding what it is you are up against.

 

You WILL be back at some point. You WILL start off an updated post with "I should have listened". You WILL continue to pull your hair out after a brief respite whereby your GF will be just loving enough to you that you won't kick her out. You WILL have the gut feeling return. And last of all, you WILL have this happen to you, again.

 

I feel like my advice was taken by you to mean that you could patch things up quite easily and that long road ahead consisted of a weekend. I am sorry that I failed you because my communication was obviously not clear enough.

 

I really don't have much positive to add because I am a bit crestfallen how you bought her bullschnitt hook, line and sinker.

 

But it is not our life, it is yours. Sadly you will be another of the countless people who are going to learn the lesson in a very hard and gut wrenching way. I just hope when you've finally had enough of her that you don't end up in jail like I did.

 

Good Luck. You are going to need a LOT of it.

[olivetree]

Hi James,

 

I think the biggest concern here is that your gf literally received zero consequences for her actions.

 

At least a few weeks of separation (a breakup) to clear your heads would have been good.

At minimum.

 

Instead of having to see what life is like without you, worry she's lost you forever and fight for you back, having an affair gets your gf a more loving and attentive bf.

 

Add to that her excuses were being unable to vent about work and share her love of food.

What???

 

Do you see what's wrong with that picture?

 

I also find it very strange that they were crying together.

Sounds like there are some very strong feelings there to me.

[Space Ritual]

I also find it very strange that they were crying together.

Sounds like there are some very strong feelings there to me.

 

I don't find it strange at all...they are upset that they have a small bump in the road because they are very hot and heavy for each other. Going through withdrawals from an affair partner, just like drugs, can be brutal. Especially if you are all in with the AP, like this chick is.

 

She views this episode, like James,as a temporary inconvenience at best. He puts a roof over her head, and she is thankful for that, and occasionally she gives up the Poonannny just in order to keep that roof above her head. Now he is going to take her across the country stopping off at every Choke and Puke on Interstate 80 for a few pics of the vomit on a plate.

 

All the while James will be thinking he has the world by the balls, when the only thing he is grabbing is his own throat in the final death throes of this farce of a relationship.

[olivetree]

I don't find it strange at all...they are upset that they have a small bump in the road because they are very hot and heavy for each other. Going through withdrawals from an affair partner, just like drugs, can be brutal. Especially if you are all in with the AP, like this chick is.

 

I am essentially saying I agree with this, in a different way.

I meant James should find it strange given how much she has downplayed her affair.

[ExpatInItaly]

Absolutely. I can't experience Love by holding onto resentment. I've played that game before, it doesn't serve at all.

 

If my current relationship isn't meant to be, so be it. I'll feel the emotions but I choose not to hold on or make it my identity. I'd much rather heal up my issues with him and her than to hold onto years of hate.

 

If my relationship is working well I'll know it and I'll feel it.

 

There has been a lot of emotions but we've been quite centered and grounded. I'm not worried much about hysteria. I will focus on what's within and what's in front of me.

 

Not hysteria.

 

Hysterical bonding. It's common after an affair; have a search online if you're not familiar with the term. You may find it very enlightening.

 

In any event - be prepared for a lot of ups and downs ahead. Your girlfriend's feelings for this guy won't disappear quickly, now that they've established a bond. They cried over this ending. The tears weren't for you.

 

Top that off with the fact that she has essentially had zero consequences for her bad choices and you are setting yourself up for future heartbreak, as it stands now.

 

How to mitigate that? Since you are planning on staying together, your girlfriend needs a different job. Yes, really. I promise you if they continue working together, this won't end. Not entirely. After your initial relief passes that she "chose" you, you will begin to feel the triggers and the anger. You haven't reached that stage, but it will come. You will wonder where she is when she's late coming home, if she's talked to him at work, if they still laugh over the office water cooler, who is texting her late at night, and so on.

 

Sure, she changed her password back. And she leaves her phone in the open. That's good. But it's not enough. Once cheaters have been caught, they are also really good at taking it underground. I mentioned before, but read through the Infidelity and Other Man/Woman forums here to get a better idea of the lengths lovers will go to hide their affair. If you're going to stay, you need to be a lot more informed about how people who cheat operate.

[BluesPower]

Well I don't have much to add..

 

James, I guess you are telling yourself that all the people at LS are just bitter has beens that have no idea what you are going through.

 

We are trying to tell you to no avail, is the you have fallen, hook line and sinker for all of the lies that your GF has told you.

 

She spent 12 hours getting her story together with the OM so that she could pass that line of crap to you.

 

When you find out the truth, I hope you will be a man and come back and tell us how correct we were.

 

Don't tell us for us, we already know what is going on. We want you to come back for your healing when you find out that everything your GF has told you is a lie.

 

You will be hurting, but we will do the best we can to help you get over it.

 

Good luck buddy...