Funny bunny Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Rko28 I know exactly what you mean.. The fact that you stop thinking about her and making yourself move on, that in itself hurts too because we pretty much dedicated ourselves to them and now we have to retreat. I loved the best I knew how. It wasn't good the way I expressed my love. We are all going through the same thing. We will be okay. Just hold on. Link to post Share on other sites
Altair0770 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Thanks for that great post. I am feeling fed up about thinking about it all to be honest, but then when I find I haven't thought about it for a while I feel almost sad, like I'm forgetting her and then the pain hits hard in the chest. A good friend of mine once said to me "you never truely move on from someone until you meet the next one" - I think that is true but I can't even get my Head around going on a date with someone new or even the motivation to speak to any. It can take a long while. I felt ready to love again, just couldn't see it being with anyone else besides my ex. Eventually you see someone whose smile lights up all your darkness. Don't try to force it. The more people force trying to get over someone, the more they end up thinking about them. Just do you. That's my best advice. Do what you want to do. Visit a park and admire it's surroundings. Go for a long walk with a friend that has a similar interest. Hell, talk about politics and debate. Eventually you'll start realizing you aren't thinking about your ex all the time, and you'll be okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 Thank you. Pretty big developments today however, im probably going to see her Friday through work, the family are coming in to sign things for this wedding, can't go in to too much detail but they are all coming. There is going to be very little chance of avoiding her Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Her sister's wedding right? Why on earth do you want to go to that? Send your apologies (to her sister - NOT to her), and stay at home. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 If you see her, just a smile and nod will be fine. Don't engage in conversation, if you can help it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Thank you. Pretty big developments today however, im probably going to see her Friday through work, the family are coming in to sign things for this wedding, can't go in to too much detail but they are all coming. There is going to be very little chance of avoiding her Take the day off, say you have a dental/doctor's appointment, take a late lunch, an early lunch, an extended lunch, anything.... just do not be anywhere near. They will not want the ex bf there, casting doom and gloom on the proceedings and making everyone feel awkward anyway. I hope you are not thinking of attending the actual wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 No I'm not going to the wedding, I'm feeling crazy at the minute but not that crazy. Can't get any time off it's a busy day so I'm either going to have to face it head on, I mean I can't avoid her forever (although never bumped into her before we dated) or just hide in the toilet for as long as possible. Do you think her seeing me might trigger something to want me back? She still said when we met up to talk that she still really fancies me and loves me... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Do you think her seeing me might trigger something to want me back? She still said when we met up to talk that she still really fancies me and loves me... It's not very likely. Yeah, she said she loves you and fancies you - but she still walked away and also said there's essentially no chance in the future either. Her suddenly wanting you back upon seeing you isn't something I'd get your hopes for, I'm afraid. Edited July 4, 2017 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 Wishful thinking indeed. The dreams are getting worse and even more life like. Last nights one was her breaking up with me, saying the same things but this time at her home. I can't rest from her even in my dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Wishful thinking indeed. The dreams are getting worse and even more life like. Last nights one was her breaking up with me, saying the same things but this time at her home. I can't rest from her even in my dreams. This will dissipate over time. Right now, your emotions are still all stirred up, especially given that you will be seeing her in person soon. After that, I suspect they begin to fade as your emotions re-settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I hope so although I'm starting to question now if I need help. I know this sounds funny but this morning I was on Instagram and saw a picture of a country lane, it reminded me of the road up to her house, it hit me deep and I felt sick, just from a picture of a country road. That's not right is it? Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I hope so although I'm starting to question now if I need help. I know this sounds funny but this morning I was on Instagram and saw a picture of a country lane, it reminded me of the road up to her house, it hit me deep and I felt sick, just from a picture of a country road. That's not right is it? It's normal. Your brain will associate memories with stuff you see. It still happens to me and I'm a year since our initial breakup. In the time that we initially broke up and tried to work it out (3 months) she bought a new (popular) vehicle. I see the same car at least 15 times a day. At work there were at least 6 in the parking lot. It was excruciating. For months I would pass by one and it would trigger all the memories of what we had and what I had lost. There is a road I take on the way to work that reminds me of the road to her house. Now it still happens but the pain is not anything like it used to be. I'm still sad and upset but I get past it much quicker. You will as well. This may be the hardest thing you go through in your life but you will get through it. It's a process that is neither linear nor time bound. It's helped me to create new memories with other women to cleanse the old ones. I didn't start feeling even a little better until about 6 months. And as soon as started making progress she reached out and I responded then she disappeared again. This time I'm more annoyed than sad. Like a feeling of "just leave me be". NC won't make you feel better in a month, it can be a year or longer. But the important thing is you have to live your life for you and as she is never coming back. Once you let go of the hope your brain can process the loss better. Hang in there brother. It may take years but you'll get past this. Just look at this time like a journey. It's gonna suck, and it's gonna hurt. But it will come to an end. When you are sad cry, when you are happy laugh. Just always keep in mind that it's not forever. And your friend was right - you need another girl to get you over this. If she comes back it will be then. The universe has a strange way of letting a dumper know that you've let go. So if your goal is to get her back the only way to reach it is once you don't want her anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 Thank you, that was a good post to read and has made me feel better about myself. Just a question about time, I realise being 6 months with someone isn't long but to me it felt like a lifetime, don't really remember much what it was like without her. Does the length of a relationship mean how long it takes to get over? Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Thank you, that was a good post to read and has made me feel better about myself. Just a question about time, I realise being 6 months with someone isn't long but to me it felt like a lifetime, don't really remember much what it was like without her. Does the length of a relationship mean how long it takes to get over? No. I was with my ex wife for 10 years and got over it in a month. Another girl I was with for a year and it took 2 years. My ex I was with for 7 years - I may never fully recover. What matters is how much you loved them. I hate to use a cliche, but it will take as long as it takes. Another woman will help speed things along. At the least they will distract you and make you feel better that you can have feelings for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
JJNY Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 No. I was with my ex wife for 10 years and got over it in a month. Another girl I was with for a year and it took 2 years. My ex I was with for 7 years - I may never fully recover. What matters is how much you loved them. I hate to use a cliche, but it will take as long as it takes. Another woman will help speed things along. At the least they will distract you and make you feel better that you can have feelings for someone else. Agreed.There is no real timeline. It takes however long it takes. Regarding the bolded, just make sure you are open with them about your situation! Dont have them think you are ready to give more than you are able to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Regarding the bolded, just make sure you are open with them about your situation! Dont have them think you are ready to give more than you are able to. Yes, anyone realising they are the rebound or a filler to help someone get over an ex is not a great feeling, and you don't want to be responsible for someone else hurting just as much as you are at the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I've spoken to a few on Facebook, but I have zero motivation to go on a date at the minute and there's no way in hell I'd start seeing someone as I know I'd go back to her in a heartbeat if she proved to me she was wrong Just feels like a no win situation. Was looking forward to this summer so much with her, sure I have plans with friends but she was my girl and the one I wanted to spend time with the most. Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 How are you guys doing today! I sincerely miss him but remind myself that he no longer wants to work on it so i must move on. By the way I got date lined up in Saturday. Hopefully he doesn't flake. I'm not going to the date to fall inlove but just to get out of the house and have some fun. We're supposed to go bowling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mike.c Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 How are you guys doing today! I sincerely miss him but remind myself that he no longer wants to work on it so i must move on. By the way I got date lined up in Saturday. Hopefully he doesn't flake. I'm not going to the date to fall inlove but just to get out of the house and have some fun. We're supposed to go bowling. It's been getting better, but still a rollercoaster. Some days indifference, some days complete despair. Yesterday and the day before I cried at work. Before the break-up I haven't cried since childhood. Going out does help, although I still feel somewhat miserable most of the time. It's good to be with other people. I'm actually going on a vacation with my family tomorrow, I hope I will get to talk to them about all of this. Right now I just feel like I missed my one chance to be happy and to be a 'good guy', the guy I always wanted to be but fell short. Just completely let down with myself. Hope you guys are doing better. Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I totally get you. I just cried right now because I wish he would have stayed. I k ow the amount of disrespect I showed him will guarantee that he will never return (my story is in the coping forum) can also be found in one of the threads I started.. You said you got the absolute no from her right? Because if there are lingering doubts it's good to get a yes or no from the ex to give you the push to move on. That's the main thing that keeps me going. Because I don't have any other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 How are you guys doing today! I sincerely miss him but remind myself that he no longer wants to work on it so i must move on. By the way I got date lined up in Saturday. Hopefully he doesn't flake. I'm not going to the date to fall inlove but just to get out of the house and have some fun. We're supposed to go bowling. Well last night was the 1st time in a month I haven't dreamt about her, hopefully a sign of things to come. Good luck on your date 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mike.c Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I totally get you. I just cried right now because I wish he would have stayed. I k ow the amount of disrespect I showed him will guarantee that he will never return (my story is in the coping forum) can also be found in one of the threads I started.. You said you got the absolute no from her right? Because if there are lingering doubts it's good to get a yes or no from the ex to give you the push to move on. That's the main thing that keeps me going. Because I don't have any other choice. She has told me she has moved on and I need to deal with this just as she dealt with it over a year ago when I broke up with her. But I was only able to try to convince her over text messages, I never got the chance to really tell her how I feel about her. Part of me wants to think that she is just afraid that I would be unsure about my feelings like I was when it ended, but I've grown a lot since then and would want to marry this girl in a heartbeat if she gave me the chance, no safety net this time. The other part responds to her saying that she is happy now and makes me think that if she desires to be left alone, then given that I quit on her, she deserves it. She says it's too late now... Let's face, it's over. Worst part is I still really love her and I know that she loved me, but I was blind to see it. I even found out she asked my friends for me when we broke up, but didn't ever reach out to me directly. She's a proud girl, she must have been heartbroken to do that. She even came to my band's gig one time, one of my friend's saw her, but she left before it ended probably hoping I would hear about it and would reach out to her. I was so f*cking stupid... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rko28 Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 Might Be a one off but last night was the 1st time I didn't dream of her which was a nice break although it hit me harder than ever this morning. Thought back to last month, we woke up and I said I had a nightmare that she dumped me because I started getting all these spots, we had a laugh about it and she said "I'm never going to dump you, you can keep me forever" Completely forgot she said them strong words to me. Can't believe it changed all too soon Link to post Share on other sites
mike.c Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Stay strong man, it will get better. I've also just started to be able to sleep a few days ago, thank god. But yeah, these memories are the worst, they come back every once in a while and just go straight for the throat like a rabid dog. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Might Be a one off but last night was the 1st time I didn't dream of her which was a nice break although it hit me harder than ever this morning. Thought back to last month, we woke up and I said I had a nightmare that she dumped me because I started getting all these spots, we had a laugh about it and she said "I'm never going to dump you, you can keep me forever" Completely forgot she said them strong words to me. Can't believe it changed all too soon One thing I've learned, and you learned as well, is women only mean what they say in that moment. Any "I'll never leave you" or "I love you" should not be taken with too much weight. All it means is they are happy AT THAT TIME. Understand that their minds work differently than ours and are subject to change without notice. As you've found out. Link to post Share on other sites
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