Uncomplicating cheating

[blueyedguy]

I am a 40 year old male.

I look like one of those pretty viking lifters in your Instagram feed.

My wife cheats on me.

 

I caught my wife cheating about a year and a half ago.

At that time she had been having an affair with one of her co-workers (twenty years younger than her) and our friend who is also our personal trainer.

 

I was crushed. Like soul crushing.But I could not walk away from her.

We have two kids (one from her previous marriage) and, truth be told, she is the sun and moon to me.

 

Background: when we met she was a cheater; life-long, in fact. So you could call this Karma, if you believed in such crap.

 

Anyway, I caught her. It was bad. It's like driving a spear straight through your heart. You will go to your knees and ask, WHY? Why me?

 

Well, with any situation like this, I can guarantee it has little or nothing to do with you. It had nothing to do with me. My wife has past issues. She has intimacy issues. She fills this hole with the attentions of other men. That is how she met me.

 

So, there I was, ten years into a marriage and I felt like I didn't know this woman. How could she do this to me?

 

Truth is, she wasn't doing anything to me.

 

Fast forward a year and a half: I was prying and found out she was flirting with a new co-worker on her phone (side note: if you're serious about hiding your affairs, keep it off your damn phone. It will screw you every time.) I flipped out. Bad. I threatened divorce. We yelled. It was ugly. She was beside herself with guilt. I went out with a friend and slept on the couch.

 

At four in the morning, she came to me with an Aleve (I had been drinking heavily) and asked me to come to bed. Something in me broke. I would say "transcended" but that's too fluffy. I just "saw the light" as they like to say in some circles.

 

So I made it ok. I told her, as long as she is safe and the kids don't find out, carry on. I could have fought. I could have fit her into the box we all want her to fit into. But I don't want to. She is so beautiful when she's wild. It's why I loved her to begin with.

 

Does this mean she will flirt with other men? if you don't think that's happening now you are blind and stupid. Or your wife is ugly. Will she have sex with other men? Maybe. Why does this bother us? Did you buy your wife? Do you own her? Do you want the cornerstone of your life to die with sorrow and regret?

 

I say, Live. Live as you would. We all harbor something we wish upon. If you are not married to someone who loves you enough (not possession) to allow each of your desires, then the hell with them.

 

But those people are too scared.

 

Me. I fear nothing anymore.

 

So, I'm posting this for support sentiments but I'm aware there will be others. Obviously I'm more secure than them, so come as you will.

 

Only love will set you free.

[carhill]

Yeah, I know at least two MW's like this, one of whom is bi-sexual. The attention thing is real, palpable, almost a fear of being alone. One has told me as much.

 

IMO, you re-wrote the marital agreement to match circumstances. It's your marriage. You and your spouse are the final arbiters of what is healthy and appropriate and acceptable for you.

 

Having been around a long time, I can see traction for a wide variety of marital styles and agreements. I'm personally fine with being divorced and living alone. That was my solution. If you've found the solution that works best for you, go with it. Life is short, too short to dwell on stuff. Decide and move on. Welcome to LS

[Leolady]

Your post spoke to my soul. My husband of less than a year us having an emotional affair with an old friend. I met him when he was married to his first wife. I've always feared this. He's dynamic. Women throw themselves at him. He resists. But he has a white night complex and is drawn to women he thinks need him. It's a trait I love about him...and could undo us. He tells me he loves me. He wants our life but also someone else. I feel like I have to choose whether to accept thst this is who he is or lose him.

[Bastile]

This reads like a very unconvincing rationalization of why you don't dare stand up for yourself with your wife.

 

So you are now in a one sided "open marriage" agreement, where you provide for her, whilst she gets the D elsewhere?

 

If that's transcendence, I'll pass.

 

Have a rethink, Sir. You have a real bad deal there.

[elaine567]

Your post spoke to my soul. My husband of less than a year us having an emotional affair with an old friend. I met him when he was married to his first wife. I've always feared this. He's dynamic. Women throw themselves at him. He resists. But he has a white night complex and is drawn to women he thinks need him. It's a trait I love about him...and could undo us. He tells me he loves me. He wants our life but also someone else. I feel like I have to choose whether to accept thst this is who he is or lose him.

 

The only problem with this approach for you Leolady is that your husband, (ex MM) did not just have an affair with you he actually left his wife for you.

He may thank you for the freedom to pursue this other woman to ultimately leave you for her.

He may be more about trading in for a "better" model than about not believing in monogamy.