Now what?

[mycocopie]

I posted a week or so ago about my recent breakup. Long story short, it was abrupt and seemed to come out of no where - for me. He told me he wasn't good enough for me and pretty much left it at that.

 

A mutual friend, and former roommate of mine, came over last week and told me that they had gone out for lunch and he explained to her that we were at a point in our relationship where we would spend the rest of our lives together or break up.... Obviously you know what which direction he decided to take it.

 

I saw him last weekend and he seemed "happy" to see me (smiled and waved when I walked in) and told me he would call later this week when we hugged in the parking lot.

 

I kind of feel like he was scared that I was going to end up hurting him and decided to end it before it got to that point. He was previously in a 7 year relationship (ended one year before we started dating) that ended when she punched him in the face at a wedding reception. The whole relationship was pretty emotionally abusive.

 

Am I wrong? What can I do moving forward to prove to him that I'm not going anywhere? I've never felt so right about someone and I hate that this ended the way it did.

 

I should also add that we have both taken this breakup really hard. He checks up on me weekly to make sure I'm taking care of myself and says he's feeling the same way and that we'll both get through it. Our mutual friends have also indicated that he's struggling. I just feel lost.

[stillafool]

My thought is that he broke up with you because he felt he was going to hurt you not the other way around. People use the "I'm not good enough for you", "You deserve better than me" excuse to get out of a relationship. I did it myself back in the day. Just leave him alone and start moving forward with your life or he will end up hurting you.

[springy]

Unless you have messed up royally you should never, ever have to try to prove or convince someone to be with you. There may be some lingering damage from the last relationship but ultimately he chose not to stay and work through it. Stay strong, you will get through this.

[kortz]

 

I should also add that we have both taken this breakup really hard. He checks up on me weekly to make sure I'm taking care of myself and says he's feeling the same way and that we'll both get through it.

 

You need to stop allowing this to happen. While it might seem like he cares about you and wants to check up on you to see how you're doing, in reality its actually very selfish of him. He feels bad and maybe guilty about breaking up with you, as a lot of dumpers do, so by comforting you and you allowing him to do so you're easing his guilt and allowing him to move on at your own emotional expense. Meanwhile you're maybe assuming it's because he still has feelings for you and that by having that contact there is maybe more to it.

 

And he might not be doing this consciously or with any malice (as in he's thinking I'll use her as an emotional crutch) but it's his mind's way of helping him deal with the breakup and overcome it.

 

Bottom line, if he wanted to be with you he would be but he's not and therefore there is no relationship.

[spiderowl]

I honestly feel for you, I really do. I know you are hurting and I know how that feels. I know you feel he has issues in his past. But, you need to look at what he did. What he did was break up with you. He did that. He made that choice. Don't make any excuses for him because you are not doing yourself any favours. You deserve so much better than having to persuade any guy that you are right for them. If they do not already know that, they do not deserve your heart.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thanks spiderowl.

I will repeat what you say as a mantra to myself every day until I truly believe it.

I also remind myself how it would be if he did come back as he would always have his foot halfway out the door. What an awful life that would be.

[Chilli]

Still chuckling at the ex punching him in the face.

though eh ,l shouldn't should l because you could just imagine , if that was the other way around.

But l gotta admit , sounded funny.

 

Personally l think it's only natural he feels bad and l don't see anything wrong with him wanting to know your ok.

We'll still care about an ex even if it didn't work out,doesn't mean we suddenly hate them or think any less of them , just means we don't think it'll work.

Well unless sh@t really hit the fan and was ugly anyways.

But l guess it makes it hard for you though so yeah up to you how much of any contact you have from here.

l also don't really think it's about him wanting to get back together even if he is doubting right now.

Anyway , imo if things end on a caring note that's gotta be better than ugly , surely.

[Craig87]

This is going to hurt, but honestly you need to move on. Whatever his reasons were are not your problem once he decides to leave.

 

Frankly, I think you should start going to the gym, eating healthy, work it out with your friends and maybe see someone.

 

You were probably giving A LOT of energy to the relationship. Now it is time to put that energy back into yourself. That works on three fronts:

 

1) It will help you heal and be a strong person should you get back together if that may be what you want.

 

2) It will help you reflect on the relationship and how to handle it. At the end of the day we all have problems big and small, no matter what leaving our significant other is no excuse.

 

People must learn how to effectively ask for or give what they need in the wake of stress.

 

I think what your ex is going through is tough, but there are various notorious military, academic, political, and humanitarian figures who have effectively managed SEVERE stress and depression that goes well beyond what your ex is encountering and maintained their relationship. It is possible.

 

3) It will make you a more confident and attractive candidate both to your ex, and to other prospects. Take care of your needs and take care of yourself first, since he no longer is willing to do that. The check-in's are not appropriate. Just tell him you are fine, and that you will be in touch...you will never reach out. He will have to reach out to you once the time passes and he realizes this, but at this point it will force him to reach out with something more appropriate if he does.

 

My ex and I split because she was insecure, depressed, didn't know what she wanted and apparently decided that she needed to date other people to figure all that out.

 

I was respectful in how and what I needed to communicate, but I ultimately told her the friendship was out of the question, the relationship was over, and I preferred that we did not communicate.

 

She was pissed, but as far as I saw it I was giving her EXACTLY what she wanted, and I was taking what I wanted as well. A friendship is to be earned, just as a relationship. If you don't want one, then all you can offer is the other. Sympathy and pity is no way to earn a friendship OR a relationship. You need to take control of this situation because it sounds like he does not have the maturity or mental strength to do so.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Craig87