Looking for some perspectives on compatibility

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Looking for some perspectives on compatibility.

 

I recently had a sudden break up with my Fiancé. We were together for 11 years and I never thought we would ever break up. This was about 6 weeks ago. In the beginning, we thought we had a lot of things in common, but with life taking it's turns, we grew apart and today we have very little in common and are very different people.

 

Now as I am going through the healing process, I have been struggling and thinking about our compatibility issues. I don't want to make the same mistake again once I start dating and so I am looking for some input, advice, perspectives on what is important to have high compatibility in?

 

I know a lot of it is personal preference and some of it is related to your own dysfunction. But if you have/had a successful and happy relationship, and can help me to figure this out, I would be so grateful. I just need some direction. Book suggestions are also welcome.

[BaileyB]

May I ask how old you are... I think you may get better responses if you provide a little more information.

 

It's one thing if you got together when you were 16 years old and you dated for 11 years. The 20's are a time of personal growth and self discovery, so it's entirely possible that two people may grow apart during this time. It may be less likely to happen if you are older, because you have a much better idea of who you are and what you want for your life.

 

I'm so sorry for your breakup.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Funny, I was going to add my age but then deleted the line.

I am 45. Have 2 grown boys who live less than 2 hours from me. My close family live 8 hours way so I don't see them often or have their daily support.

My recent Ex is not the father of my children. When we met we were both going through divorce, and was there for each other.

[central]

I have a fantastic relationship with deep compatibility, and we're 17 years into it at the moment. We both had prior, failed, incompatible relationships.

 

There are several key items, I think. You need very similar values (ethics, beliefs, attitudes), similar life goals (so you grow together, vs. apart), and really must be sexually compatible (similar libido, frequency, good with who initiates and how, and range of sexual activities you both enjoy). You also need some shared interests that you can do and enjoy together, otherwise you are living parallel, separate lives, and that seldom leads to good bonding.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps, your relationship had just sadly run its course... I'm sorry.

 

I do agree with the previous post. It's hard sometimes to explain why one relationship works and another doesn't. For me, the things that are important are shared values, goals, and communication styles. You also want to enjoy his company and although you don't have to have a lot of common interests, having some things in common is important. And, he must be kind and treat others well.

 

Good luck as you start dating again.

Edited July 14, 2017 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

Compatibility is about acceptance, & not picking at every little fault. Save the disagreements for big stuff, not every slight.

 

 

For example: it makes me crazy when my husband does small load of laundry. It wastes water & energy. Every time I find a small load & I don't march upstairs & scream. I take some deep breaths & think of 3-5 thinks I love about him & then move on with my day.

 

 

It's also not about spending 24/7 together. Recognize that you both have individual hobbies, friends & interests. As long as they aren't damaging to the relationship, they should be embraced because giving you each time alone should strengthen your bond because you are not growing co-dependent.

[aileD]

May I ask how old you are... I think you may get better responses if you provide a little more information.

 

It's one thing if you got together when you were 16 years old and you dated for 11 years. The 20's are a time of personal growth and self discovery, so it's entirely possible that two people may grow apart during this time. It may be less likely to happen if you are older, because you have a much better idea of who you are and what you want for your life.

 

I'm so sorry for your breakup.

 

 

When we met we were both going through divorce, and was there for each other.

 

Could be the same thing as bailey was saying. You're not teens or in your 20's. But there is an element of growth and change you go through once divorced. You have to find yourself and who you are again, kind of like you do when you're younger for the first time.

 

I think it's important to know who YOU are. Are you someon who is driven? Like to work out? You won't be compatible down the line with someone who's not--because your hobbies and activities you want to do are going to be different .

 

It is about acceptance as someone said. But it's not all acceptance. There's got to be some common ground

 

Find out what your morals and values and "needs" are for a relationship. These are must haves in a partner. Then figure out your wants and likes. These things are flexible.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you all for your great responses.

 

So what I think went wrong with my past relationship is the shared goals.

We started out having similar goals, but then life happened, aka job changes, career and education. I went back to college to get my BA. He was supposed to go to college but he never did.

 

Goals can be so broad. And they are somewhat fluid.

Can you elaborate more about that?

 

Are goals mixed with lifestyle in some way?

 

I know I need to spend some time to figure out what I want, what is important to me and what isn't etc. But I think my problem is that I can be too accommodating and accepting.