Is it justified to be sexist?

[zivo]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. My girlfriend cheated on my years ago, once while we were dating, and another time the day we broke up (i still kinda consider this cheating) and she told me she was drunk both times and knows she shouldn't have done it... we made amends and got back together.

 

One of her suggestions for getting back together is that I wouldn't keep on bringing up her past mistakes and move on. I agreed because I've said mean things to her and sometimes she would bring those up against me so we both agreed this was for the best.

 

Now fast forward a few years to a recent incident. She goes out to a bar with her girlfriends and they post on their social medias how drunk they were. I find this out a few days later, while checking social media as I don't do this on a daily bases.

 

I confront her about this and tell her that I find that insulting to me and the relationship, I dont want to see my girlfriend posting how drunk she is at some bar without me... instead of agreeing with me she justifies her actions by saying that I go out and get drunk with my friends too so why cant she.

 

I tell her that I'm a guy and can handle my liqour, not to mention she was the one who cheated on me and her excuse was that she was drunk. We both know she cant handle her liqour and that things like this can happen. Just because I'll forgive her for cheating on me doesnt mean I'm going to be ignorant about the fact she cant handle liqour and that it could happen again if I keep on letting her act like this.

 

She tells me I'm being sexist because I dont want her drinking with friends, yet I can do it. Which yes thats kinda the case, but I can't help that I don't pass out, hurt myself, or **** other people when I get drunk. I'm biologically more adept to drinking alcohol then she is.

 

So is this justified sexism in this case? Should she give in for the sake of the relationship and because she did cheat while she was drunk, OR am I being too controlling and I should just let her be drunk and let her (most likely / eventually) cheat on me again and then end things?

 

Would love to get a womans perspective on this...

 

Also please note: she doesn't get drunk daily or even weekly, probably not even monthly. However every few months she does go out with her girlfriends like this..

Edited July 14, 2017 by zivo

[Blanco]

I know plenty of dudes who can't handle their liquor, so it's dumb to make this a "Men are from Mars..." argument.

 

Your girlfriend sounds immature and honestly, I'm questioning why you are with someone who has cheated on you twice already.

[basil67]

I'm not going to buy into whether or not this is sexist.

 

What I will say is that it's clear you don't trust her if she's drinking. But she wants to drink. As this is the case, you'd be better off out of the relationship and finding someone who you do trust.

[SammySammy]

First of all, let's get rid of the blame-shifting. She didn't sleep with those guys because she was drunk. She slept with them because she chose to. Just tell the truth about it.

 

Secondly, will you telling her anything - trying to control what she does - stop her from sleeping with guys if that's what she wants to do?

 

No, it won't.

 

You're wasting your time.

 

Unless she is raped, she controls what she does.

 

What you need to do if find a woman who chooses not to cheat on you and make excuses for it. A woman you won't feel the need to control because you can't trust her. A woman you won't need to make excuses for. A woman who respects you enough to not betray you and then expect you to take her back and tolerate her BS.

[JamesHa]

i dont see it as a man/woman thing. She showed you she's not to be trusted.. uses drinking as an excuse and continues to drink.

 

Sadly... if you can't trust her when she's out drinking (since she wants to) then it's time to move on.

 

And I don't necessarily think you NEED TO trust her when shes out drinking... considering she's done it 2 times. Once... possibly understandable to work things out (if taken serious) ... twice... awww hell no.

[zivo]

i dont see it as a man/woman thing. She showed you she's not to be trusted.. uses drinking as an excuse and continues to drink.

 

Sadly... if you can't trust her when she's out drinking (since she wants to) then it's time to move on.

 

And I don't necessarily think you NEED TO trust her when shes out drinking... considering she's done it 2 times. Once... possibly understandable to work things out (if taken serious) ... twice... awww hell no.

 

I agree, I wouldn't think I need to trust her since shes proven that she can't handle being drunk.

 

When I bring up that she may cheat on me again, she will play the, well we agreed we would put that behind us / that happened long ago card.

 

AND

 

She also pulled the, how do I know you werent cheating on me when you went out during 'enter any time I went out with the guys' nights. She says I hide things better so she would never know.

 

So I really don't know what to say, I don't want to just break up after all these years just over this though. I guess I'm basically just looking for a reasonable solution to this problem. Should I stand firm and not let her drink at all, should she not be allowed to get drunk anymore.. forever without me present? Whats a reasonable agreement? I really don't know because I don't want to be the over controlling boyfriend but I do have to put down some rules I feel like...

Edited July 14, 2017 by zivo

[Poutrew]

So I really don't know what to say, I don't want to just break up after all these years just over this though. I guess I'm basically just looking for a reasonable solution to this problem. Should I stand firm and not let her drink at all, should she not be allowed to get drunk anymore.. forever without me present? Whats a reasonable agreement? I really don't know because I don't want to be the over controlling boyfriend but I do have to put down some rules I feel like...

 

You are not breaking up with her because she drinks. Alcohol has nothing to do with it. You are breaking up with her because neither of you trusts the other. Also, she is filled with anger and resentment over what she perceives as your freedoms - being able to go out with your friends, hold your alcohol, and have a fun time... that's why she is really telling you 'If you can do it, so can I...' Alcohol is just the catalyst but it could be anything else: I had a gf that was like this once. I unwisely told her 'well, I pee standing up and you do it sitting down..." She got drunk one night and tried peeing standing up... it was a mess. See, it's not your problem. She doesn't have boundaries and is too immature to recognize she needs them. BTW, I threw out that gal- wet mopping your bathroom because it looks like the inside of a gas station loo filled with urine and vomit cemented my decision... and I predict you will too with yours. You aren't going to keep her around when she gets pregnant from being raped, or passes an incurable STD to you.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Poutrew

[Darren Steez]

I agree, I wouldn't think I need to trust her since shes proven that she can't handle being drunk.

 

When I bring up that she may cheat on me again, she will play the, well we agreed we would put that behind us / that happened long ago card.

 

AND

 

She also pulled the, how do I know you werent cheating on me when you went out during 'enter any time I went out with the guys' nights. She says I hide things better so she would never know.

 

So I really don't know what to say, I don't want to just break up after all these years just over this though. I guess I'm basically just looking for a reasonable solution to this problem. Should I stand firm and not let her drink at all, should she not be allowed to get drunk anymore.. forever without me present? Whats a reasonable agreement? I really don't know because I don't want to be the over controlling boyfriend but I do have to put down some rules I feel like...

 

Your first mistake is this is not a negotiation.

 

Your girlfriend banged men when drunk then tells you not to talk about it so you can get together.

 

It's like her always wearing grey clothes, on the days she cheated wears red then tells you not to mention anything when you see her walking out the door wearing a red dress.

 

Forget about the girls not holding their liquor, forget about her not going out with her friends because that's unrealistic, this is about your girl banging other dudes and you simply don't trust her.

 

So forget about all this I don't want to be a controlling boyfriend nonsense because everytime she goes out and even worse when she gets drunk you wonder if she's going to cheat again!

 

I don't want to just break up after all these years just over this though.

 

Over what, the fact that your girlfriend doesn't respect you and throws going out and getting drunk (which in turn triggers you because you think she could cheat)?

 

The problem is you struck one deal which is now coming back to bite you in the tail and now you're looking to strike another deal to compromise and not look like a jealous boyfriend when your girl goes out to drink.

 

Stand up for yourself man, if you don't this chick will walk all over you like she's doing at the moment.

[basil67]

Should I stand firm and not let her drink at all, should she not be allowed to get drunk anymore.. forever without me present? Whats a reasonable agreement? I really don't know because I don't want to be the over controlling boyfriend but I do have to put down some rules I feel like...

 

As her boyfriend you don't get to choose what she does and doesn't do. You don't get to allow her to do things. This is the ultimate in controlling behaviour.

 

However, what you can do is set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not accept. Whether or not she agrees to those boundaries is her choice.

 

Same outcome, but with the second option you're not being a controlling boyfriend.

[elaine567]

Problem here is that you have rug swept the cheating and that doesn't tend to work as you are finding out.

Curtailing her going on girl's nights out every few months will not stop her cheating if that is what she wants to do.

If you start "controlling" her she will resent you (which it sounds like she already does to some extent) and she will be even more likely to cheat "to pay you back" for being unfair to her.

You get to be as free as a bird and she is supposed to stay home... No-one will put up with that long term. {Perceived unfairness and inequality is often a reason for people to go and cheat actually)

 

Bottom line is that you do not trust her and she doesn't sound that remorseful.

You want to control her and she wants to forget all about it as if it never happened.

That is never a good basis for an ongoing relationship.

If this is a long term relationship and you see a future with her ie marriage and kids then I suggest you both go to counselling. If this is just a "filler " relationship which is probably going no-where long term, then split up as you will both make each other miserable and life is too short..

[grays]

As her boyfriend you don't get to choose what she does and doesn't do. You don't get to allow her to do things. This is the ultimate in controlling behaviour.

 

However, what you can do is set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not accept. Whether or not she agrees to those boundaries is her choice.

 

Same outcome, but with the second option you're not being a controlling boyfriend.

 

Yes, yes, yes!

 

Its not your feelings about her drinking that are sexist, its this kind of talk: "Should I stand firm and not let her drink at all, should she not be allowed to get drunk anymore..." You cant not let her or allow her or make rules for her. Shes a grown up and youre not her daddy. You can tell her that you wont stick around if she treats you this way, though.

[d0nnivain]

No the sexism is not justified.

 

 

However, you have every right to be concerned when she goes drinking because of her past cheating.

 

 

Problem is you are her BF, not her dad or her jailer. You can spell out the behaviors you find unacceptable but if she continues to engage in them all you can do is break up.

 

 

FWIW, which may not be much, I disagree with you that just because she was with somebody else the day you broke up -- especially because it was after you two were officially apart -- does not mean she cheated that time. She sought comfort in the arms of another man. Classic rebound & totally NSA sex but not cheating.

 

 

I'm sure those semantics don't make you feel better but think about that you analyze what you want to do next. You have 1 (not 2) instances of cheating while drunk. You have 1 instance of NSA random hook up sex. Now you have a drunken escapade at the bar with her friends which as far as you know did not lead to cheating. Is there any possibility that she has at least managed to contain her libido while drunk? Does that change your mind? You can't really expect that she will never again consume alcohol outside of your presence but if that is your preference, she is not the girl for you.

[road]

Being a man is not being sexist. If she was my woman I

would not take her baloney.

 

Time to man up and dump her. She does not respect you

because she cheated on you two times. She will again.

Then blame it on being drunk or something else.

[smackie9]

What a hot mess.....time to break free of this toxic relationship. You will be so much happier.

[Space Ritual]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. My girlfriend cheated on my years ago, once while we were dating, and another time the day we broke up (i still kinda consider this cheating) and she told me she was drunk both times and knows she shouldn't have done it... we made amends and got back together.

 

One of her suggestions for getting back together is that I wouldn't keep on bringing up her past mistakes and move on. I agreed because I've said mean things to her and sometimes she would bring those up against me so we both agreed this was for the best.

 

Now fast forward a few years to a recent incident. She goes out to a bar with her girlfriends and they post on their social medias how drunk they were. I find this out a few days later, while checking social media as I don't do this on a daily bases.

 

I confront her about this and tell her that I find that insulting to me and the relationship, I dont want to see my girlfriend posting how drunk she is at some bar without me... instead of agreeing with me she justifies her actions by saying that I go out and get drunk with my friends too so why cant she.

 

I tell her that I'm a guy and can handle my liqour, not to mention she was the one who cheated on me and her excuse was that she was drunk. We both know she cant handle her liqour and that things like this can happen. Just because I'll forgive her for cheating on me doesnt mean I'm going to be ignorant about the fact she cant handle liqour and that it could happen again if I keep on letting her act like this.

 

She tells me I'm being sexist because I dont want her drinking with friends, yet I can do it. Which yes thats kinda the case, but I can't help that I don't pass out, hurt myself, or **** other people when I get drunk. I'm biologically more adept to drinking alcohol then she is.

 

So is this justified sexism in this case? Should she give in for the sake of the relationship and because she did cheat while she was drunk, OR am I being too controlling and I should just let her be drunk and let her (most likely / eventually) cheat on me again and then end things?

 

Would love to get a womans perspective on this...

 

Also please note: she doesn't get drunk daily or even weekly, probably not even monthly. However every few months she does go out with her girlfriends like this..

 

LOL

 

You took after back after cheating in you twice? And SHE set the ground rules about not bringing her past up? She has proven twice that she can not be trusted at all. Why is this even an argument? She should be gone....gone..long effing gone.

 

LMFAO. She sure has you by the nuts kid.

 

There is nothing sexist at all in this scenario, just that you don't have the stones to get away from her.

 

I could see reconciliation if she actually did the hard work involved to be a safe person to be around. But not only does she do no work, you accept her ridiculous demands on top of cheating on you the day you broke up, only to take he back a second time? lol she had that one waiting in the wings to go on a test drive before she came back to good old Zivo.

 

The only one who has a problem in this whole thing is you. You allow people to run you over.

 

Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy pdf." and read it. After that you can get rid of this chick like you should have a long time ago. Come on man!

Edited July 15, 2017 by Space Ritual

[The411]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. My girlfriend cheated on my years ago, once while we were dating, and another time the day we broke up (i still kinda consider this cheating) and she told me she was drunk both times and knows she shouldn't have done it... we made amends and got back together.

 

One of her suggestions for getting back together is that I wouldn't keep on bringing up her past mistakes and move on. I agreed because I've said mean things to her and sometimes she would bring those up against me so we both agreed this was for the best.

 

Now fast forward a few years to a recent incident. She goes out to a bar with her girlfriends and they post on their social medias how drunk they were. I find this out a few days later, while checking social media as I don't do this on a daily bases.

 

I confront her about this and tell her that I find that insulting to me and the relationship, I dont want to see my girlfriend posting how drunk she is at some bar without me... instead of agreeing with me she justifies her actions by saying that I go out and get drunk with my friends too so why cant she.

 

I tell her that I'm a guy and can handle my liqour, not to mention she was the one who cheated on me and her excuse was that she was drunk. We both know she cant handle her liqour and that things like this can happen. Just because I'll forgive her for cheating on me doesnt mean I'm going to be ignorant about the fact she cant handle liqour and that it could happen again if I keep on letting her act like this.

 

She tells me I'm being sexist because I dont want her drinking with friends, yet I can do it. Which yes thats kinda the case, but I can't help that I don't pass out, hurt myself, or **** other people when I get drunk. I'm biologically more adept to drinking alcohol then she is.

 

So is this justified sexism in this case? Should she give in for the sake of the relationship and because she did cheat while she was drunk, OR am I being too controlling and I should just let her be drunk and let her (most likely / eventually) cheat on me again and then end things?

 

Would love to get a womans perspective on this...

 

Also please note: she doesn't get drunk daily or even weekly, probably not even monthly. However every few months she does go out with her girlfriends like this..

 

No clue why you would take back a woman who cheated. What is happening now is a bi product of the trust being broken and you are never going to trust her.

 

Telling someone they can't do something is a relationship is controlling. It's also the fastest way to get them to do what you are telling them not to do.

 

This girl doesn't respect you. Get rid of her and get a girl who hasn't cheated on you.

 

In the future, tell the girl you are dating that she is free to do what she wants but that you have some non negotiables like cheating, and if she violates your non negotiabkes you'll walk. Make sure that you do not threaten the girl or make it seem like an ultimatum. You are simply laying down boundaries.

[preraph]

No, it's not justified. It is hypocritical. I understand the underlying mistrust, but you can't go swinging into areas like this because of it and expect her not to just think you're a hypocrite. And of course it's sexist. But that's almost secondary because you're just using that as an excuse for why she shouldn't get to go out but you should.

 

Yes, she has a problem with alcohol or she wouldn't do stuff on it that she might not so if she wasn't drunk. But we don't know that for sure. She could just be using that as an excuse and might have done it stone sober.

 

So don't lump everything together. If she is an alcoholic, she needs to stop drinking. If you are, so do you. If she's not and you intend to keep going out with the boys, she gets to keep going out with the girls. If she cheats again, act based on only the fact she cheated again and broke yet another promise, but don't try to BS her into not going out when you are also going out. After all, she has no idea what you may be up to when you're out either, does she?

 

There's either enough trust to keep the relationship or there isn't . I can completely understand cheating being a dealbreaker for you.

[Tribble]

What a mess. You should break up and you both should do some real work before you get into another relationship again. Maybe then you'll have a chance at a healthy relationship.

 

I am in the camp that she cheated once and rebonded (a little too soon for most peoples taste) the second time. Regardless. I understand why she has said she doesn't want you to keep bringing up the cheating. When a couple decide to reconcile after infidelity, if you hold it over the betrayer and bring it up in every argument, it isn't possible to move on. That is not to say you should rug-sweep (which is what you seem to have done), but rather not use it as ammo all the time.

 

At the end of the day, you don't trust her. And because you don't trust her, you are becoming controlling. That is not a good place for you to be and will drive her away. If you carry this on, you could bring it into other relationships. You can't 'allow her' to do anything or 'stop her' or 'not let her'. She is her own person who makes her own decisions. And that involves cheating. Alcohol may lower inhibitions but it does not compel someone to do anything. Just because she gets drunk does not mean she will treat. But similarly, just because she does not get drunk does not mean she will not cheat either.

 

I do think your comments were a bit sexist. But that is not even the problem. I am alarmed by how your comments were controlling. You can control no-one but yourself and you shouldn't try to. It is a path of resentment. She will resent you trying to control her and you will resent her when she doesn't follow your rules. There is a firm difference between boundaries and rules.

 

Ultimately, break up. There is clearly no trust or respect in this relationship. Break up and work on the circumstances that brought you to this place. I hope your next relationship can be healthy and trusting, the opposite of your current toxic one.