My Husband is in Denial

[LostNtrapped]

My situation is a bit complicated and I will do my best to explain things. I am pretty sure my husband is in denial and lying to himself about how he really feels. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9 of those 11 years. We have 2 children together who are 6 and 3. When we first started dating and discussed our sexual experience he told me that although he had dated before, he had never had sex. I had been sexually active, but was still insecure in ways. I didn't think him being a virgin was going to be a huge issue, I had just come out of an abusive relationship, so to have a bf who wasn't sexually aggressive was a nice change.

 

Anyways, from the start he and I seemed to be awkward in bed, I related that to him being less experienced. He was just a sweet nice guy. He always had reasons and excuses for why he didn't know what he liked both hobby wise and sexually. I suggested that we just become friends and not keep the relationship going, and he told me had I left he wouldn't take me back, I'm either with him or I'm not. I didn't want to lose him, so I stayed. Fast forward we end up getting married, we get along great. The sex just never got better, even when I talked with him about what I liked and didn't like he never listened and seemed to only care about himself.

 

The point in going into this much detail is because I truly believe that my husband is in denial and thinks about what it would be like to be with another woman. He denies that, but had admitted that he has thought about what it would be like from time to time. He has had a habit of sexting women from time to time since we had our son 6 years ago. He always has an excuse for it, he needed to vent, he was stressed. I honestly think he still wants to experience another woman but lacks the confidence to actually do it physically.

 

He refuses to admit that he and I just aren't connected in the way that we should be. I explain to him that he doesn't understand how it should feel, passionate can't get enough of each other sex. I have even offered to set up a threesome so he can experience another woman. I feel like if he actually experiences another woman he will understand how things between us are more on a friendship level. I hope this is coming across the right way, I just don't know what to do anymore. When I tell him how I feel he basically shrugs his shoulders and says " I'm Sorry, I don't know what to do" or " I don't know"

 

I'm tired of the nonstop cycle we are stuck in, and nothing changes no matter what I suggest. I'm at the point where I want to just end it.

[InvisiBlonde]

Hiya, Lost,

 

So sorry you're going through this. It's hard to describe how painful it is for a straight woman to be sexually rejected by her man. Been there, had that done to me.

 

How does he / you know he's straight?

[pheonixrisen]

My situation is a bit complicated and I will do my best to explain things. I am pretty sure my husband is in denial and lying to himself about how he really feels. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9 of those 11 years. We have 2 children together who are 6 and 3. When we first started dating and discussed our sexual experience he told me that although he had dated before, he had never had sex. I had been sexually active, but was still insecure in ways. I didn't think him being a virgin was going to be a huge issue, I had just come out of an abusive relationship, so to have a bf who wasn't sexually aggressive was a nice change.

 

Anyways, from the start he and I seemed to be awkward in bed, I related that to him being less experienced. He was just a sweet nice guy. He always had reasons and excuses for why he didn't know what he liked both hobby wise and sexually. I suggested that we just become friends and not keep the relationship going, and he told me had I left he wouldn't take me back, I'm either with him or I'm not. I didn't want to lose him, so I stayed. Fast forward we end up getting married, we get along great. The sex just never got better, even when I talked with him about what I liked and didn't like he never listened and seemed to only care about himself.

 

The point in going into this much detail is because I truly believe that my husband is in denial and thinks about what it would be like to be with another woman. He denies that, but had admitted that he has thought about what it would be like from time to time. He has had a habit of sexting women from time to time since we had our son 6 years ago. He always has an excuse for it, he needed to vent, he was stressed. I honestly think he still wants to experience another woman but lacks the confidence to actually do it physically.

 

He refuses to admit that he and I just aren't connected in the way that we should be. I explain to him that he doesn't understand how it should feel, passionate can't get enough of each other sex. I have even offered to set up a threesome so he can experience another woman. I feel like if he actually experiences another woman he will understand how things between us are more on a friendship level. I hope this is coming across the right way, I just don't know what to do anymore. When I tell him how I feel he basically shrugs his shoulders and says " I'm Sorry, I don't know what to do" or " I don't know"

 

I'm tired of the nonstop cycle we are stuck in, and nothing changes no matter what I suggest. I'm at the point where I want to just end it.

 

Just a suggestion .

 

I understand how you feel ...but to want to bring a 3rd person In your marriage is opening a whole new Pandora box ...you don't want to go there

 

What ever happened to soft porn or sex guide or manual they even have sex therapist .

[angel.eyes]

You've started multiple threads on your husband's issues, including the extortion he now faces for sexting an underage girl, which he claims is a scam. According to you, this is a man who when you were nearly dying in childbirth was busy sexting.

 

Have you followed through on any of the suggestions that we offered you in your other threads?

 

The person who is in denial at this point is you.

[stillafool]

Even if he were to experience sex with another woman how is that going to help you? It may be a case of sexual incompatibility then what will you do, divorce?

[MJJean]

Good Lord, woman, just file for divorce. Your husband sounds like a hot mess. So what if he doesn't understand the difference between tepid friend sex and passionate lover sex? You do and that's all that matters. You know there isn't any chemistry there, that you're sexually incompatible, and that he's prone to online cheating...what else do you need to know to just end the sham?

[Steve51]

Almost every story about bad marriages or spouses are because people marry without thinking that what you see is what you get. Adults rarely change who they are. You married a man despite not liking certain things about him. You either accept him as he is or leave. That is why they invented divorce. No sense in living life unhappy.

 

You are married to the same guy you had before you married. A guy you wanted to leave at one time and did not enjoy sex with. So instead of finding someone else, you married him thinking that he would change. You accepted him as your husband and now you do like him because of him being the same guy you dated?

 

Dating is the time you find out if you are compatible with someone before you marry and it becomes costly in both money and emotions, to divorce. When just dating or engaged, you can just walk away with no legal ramifications. Love is great and all that, but it makes us overlook each other's faults until the romantic love wears off and you are faced with deciding whether to spend the rest of your life with this person or bail. If you stay you build a new kind of marriage that does not blind you to each other's faults.

 

Marrying someone just because of love despite their doing things you do not like, is a common mistake. I left two women I loved because I knew that while I could put up with their faults and just walk away then, after marriage it would be costly. Turns out that I made good decisions by letting my head make my decisions rather than my heart. My ex fiancee became a drug addict, developed mental problems, hears angels talking to her and obeys them, married a guy and then cheated on him with a woman whom she is now married to. The other became a prostitute hooked on crack and then became a stripper. You need to have more than love. Love does not pay the bills.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Steve51